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Original poster

Surrounded by alpha mums and scared witless!

68 replies

TheArchangel · 09/05/2006 16:37

Hi everyone I'm new to MN (although I have been lurking for about two weeks and loving the discussions!) and I'm also relatively new to the village I live in.

I have a bit of a confidence problem and would love to hear some advice from you sound mums who may have been in this situation themselves once...

The village that I live in is beautiful, affluent and very sought-after. The schools are excellent, the scenery fabulous and the community as a whole very friendly. So I'm not exactly depressed, in fact every day I wake up and thank God that I live here - I feel very lucky indeed.

The thing is, the mums here are mainly SAHMs (like me) but also they seem quite competitive. Whenever I leave the local toddler group I feel slightly 'trampled' over by their strong personalities and always feel a bit naive and gauche (I'm over ten years younger than a lot of them) and as if I have little to say or offer. Don't get me wrong, most of them are nice and when on their own easy and lovely to talk to. But I often feel that I'm hanging on the edge of the groups and often with no one to talk to.

DH says that perhaps I may give off the wrong message - perhaps my shyness looks like sniffiness - and the fact I used to be a model (although none of the mums actually know this - it's not something I tell people quickly!) probably doesn't help matters. I do try so hard though to be friendly and to get involved with local events but I still seem to be the last to hear of them!!

I'm sure to some of you I'm coming across as pathetic as there are others out there with considerably worse problems than this, in fact I don't even see this as a problem but I could really do with some advice as to what I can do to break the ice a little more. One woman I know (more mumsy and older than me) seems to have got right in there with all of them but apart from a complete body and personality transplant I don't know what else I can do.

Please don't laugh at this post, I haven't opened myself out like this for ages other than to DH and I'm feeling a bit sick over sending this!

OP posts:
Alipiggie · 09/05/2006 17:25

Hi there The Archangel, don't worry I personally feel it's a village attitude. You're the outsider and everyone else already has their little cliques. I had this in a very poor ex-mining village in Fife, my problem was not only where I lived in that village but the fact that I was english :o. I would see if you can single out one or two mums who you feel confident with and that way it should give you an in into the toddler group and no doubt settle into village life. I can imagine how you are feeling. However, be proud of how you look, you've nothing to be ashamed off. Welcome to Mumsnet. It's a great place to hang out and I've had great support over the last few months with my own difficult situation.

robin3 · 09/05/2006 17:25

Nothing worse than beautiful people who are also nice and don't know they're beautiful...got friends like that and not sure why I talk to them. Wink

Daisymae · 09/05/2006 17:27

We all gravitate towards people we perceive as being 'like'us. I agree that you should try to find some common interests and groups.
The whole trainer and fleece thing bemuses me, though, is it from supposition that no enhancement to their beauty is needed Winkor genuine lack of interest?

Original poster
TheArchangel · 09/05/2006 17:27

That's really lovely Twiglett I imagine she looked radiant and that is what shows through! It's just that when you're quite shy it can come across as stuffiness in some people, like me i guess!

OP posts:
Twiglett · 09/05/2006 17:28

Archangel I think you're just having 'new kid on the block' problems you'll be fine

puff · 09/05/2006 17:29

Agree with the "divide and conquer" approach.

I loathe M&T groups, but have made friends through things like baby/toddler swim sessions at the local leisure centre, where getting to know people one on one was fairly easy.

If you can afford it, joining a local health club (that welcomes families) is a good idea. I've met lots of other Mums through mine. The children come swimming for free and there's always someone to chat to in the cafe.

Ledodgyherring · 09/05/2006 17:31

I think it's because people often assume beautiful people are confident and therefore assume that a shy beautiful person is arrogant rather then shy IYSWIM.

yeahinaminute · 09/05/2006 17:35

Get them down the pub for a "mums night off with a drink" and I'm sure the barriers will come crashing down !Wink

Twiglett · 09/05/2006 17:41

TBH I've met some butt-ugly models .. well not exactly ugly but well nondescript (used to do castings as part of my job) .. but they just had something that was so photogenic or just worked on film

noddyholder · 09/05/2006 17:44

Fleece and trainers does look c**p though you must admit!

Twiglett · 09/05/2006 17:45

fleece ... with cats on Grin

noddyholder · 09/05/2006 17:46

or those ones with a pack of wolves what are they about?

Twiglett · 09/05/2006 17:47

\link{http://www.animalkingdomfleece.com/Black_Mountain_Apparel_Outdoor_Fleece/510/510_Pink_Ponys_Full.jpg\mother and daughter combo}

niceglasses · 09/05/2006 17:48

I was just going to say before somebody got there before me. Would a bottle of wine and some plastic cups in the playground go down okay to you think?? Right impression or not?

Maybe not.......

Twiglett · 09/05/2006 17:48

\link{http://www.animalkingdomfleece.com/Fleece_Jacket.htm\oh my giddy aunt}

yeahinaminute · 09/05/2006 17:49

Twigglet - that is truly hideous!

yeahinaminute · 09/05/2006 17:50

Well apart from the leopard print one - I have a secret love of all things leopard- y !!

Tortington · 09/05/2006 18:30

it bothers you if you let it - i go with the very wise life mantra of "fuck 'em" if they can't be arsed with me if i have made an effort then i'm not going to hang around the periphery like a mangy dog wanting a treat.

thats a portion of your day - get out, join a club, do something else - make friend another way. dont rely on up their own arses mums who have an inferiority complex and mask it by shutting you out.

grumpyfrumpy · 09/05/2006 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotAnOtter · 09/05/2006 19:05

\link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=9&threadid=144117\those wolves belong on this thread}

GarfieldsGirl · 09/05/2006 19:10

Haven't read through the whole thread, but referring to OP, the toddler groups where I live sound very similar, fortunately I live in a city, so there's plenty of other places I can go to, but with a village, I'm guessing that its going to be quite a distance to get to other places? Have you had a look in Meet-up section on here? I've learnt to have the attitude of 'I'm me, you take me as you find me, if you don't like it tough sh*t'. Maybe because its a village it may take time for you to get to know them, how about 'tagging onto' one mum that you can find easiest to talk to and perhaps inviting her to yours for coffee and being introduced to everyone that way?

gegs73 · 09/05/2006 20:06

Sounds like how I felt when ds was born. I spent the first 10 months trying to fit in and be something that I wasn't then thought bugger that. Now completely myself if they don't like it tough and have made a nice circle of friends. I would say just be yourself, make an effort to keep going along to groups and give it time.

snowleopard · 09/05/2006 20:18

Great name TheArchangel!

I can soooo see that kind of Alpha Mum bristling because you are young and gorgeous. Thise groups can have an element of power struggle and those things give you power - I imagine some of them are jealous, worried you'll nab their husbands, you make them feel flabby and wrinkly. It's not your fault! I think just be yourself, don't worry if you don't hit it off immediately, and eventually you'll find the ones who'll become good friends. As you say, people can be nicer individually than in a group... once you have started chatting you could ask to go for coffee with someone you like, or see if you have any neighbours with babies and ask them round (I've made a really good friend this way and it was her who asked me, I was too shy!)

Good luck, I bet chatting on MN will help as well.

soopermum1 · 09/05/2006 21:54

hiya

you're new on the scene, it's only natural that you'll have to work to get into an established group. i'm a bit like you, i'm pretty confident (some would say 'lairy') at work with people i know but am very very shy with people i don't and took every little detail as a slight which just blew my confidence even more. when i was on maternity leave i just gritted my teeth a little and forced myself out there and forced myself to talk to people. i found it easier asking people questions about themselves and their kids as people just love talking about themselves and they love a good, attentive listenener.every social group is made up of different types of people and some will always be at the centre and some will play a more supporting role, it's just about going with who you are and accepting that. i eventually found my 'niche' after a few months and built a lasting friendship with the mums in my area, but i've now moved so am in kinda the same situation. however, i gritted my teeth and knocked on the neighbour's door to introduce myself, that kind of forwardness doesn't come naturally but was deffo worth it.

always remember, most people are good, nice people and will not deliberately do anything to make you feel left out, if they are making you feel like that chances are it's unintentional (as i said, people get so wrapped up in themselves) and if they are doing it deliberately don't bother with them.

good luck!

Tortington · 10/05/2006 00:57

c'mon then feedback please