Surrounded by alpha mums and scared witless!

[TheArchangel]

Hi everyone I'm new to MN (although I have been lurking for about two weeks and loving the discussions!) and I'm also relatively new to the village I live in.

I have a bit of a confidence problem and would love to hear some advice from you sound mums who may have been in this situation themselves once...

The village that I live in is beautiful, affluent and very sought-after. The schools are excellent, the scenery fabulous and the community as a whole very friendly. So I'm not exactly depressed, in fact every day I wake up and thank God that I live here - I feel very lucky indeed.

The thing is, the mums here are mainly SAHMs (like me) but also they seem quite competitive. Whenever I leave the local toddler group I feel slightly 'trampled' over by their strong personalities and always feel a bit naive and gauche (I'm over ten years younger than a lot of them) and as if I have little to say or offer. Don't get me wrong, most of them are nice and when on their own easy and lovely to talk to. But I often feel that I'm hanging on the edge of the groups and often with no one to talk to.

DH says that perhaps I may give off the wrong message - perhaps my shyness looks like sniffiness - and the fact I used to be a model (although none of the mums actually know this - it's not something I tell people quickly!) probably doesn't help matters. I do try so hard though to be friendly and to get involved with local events but I still seem to be the last to hear of them!!

I'm sure to some of you I'm coming across as pathetic as there are others out there with considerably worse problems than this, in fact I don't even see this as a problem but I could really do with some advice as to what I can do to break the ice a little more. One woman I know (more mumsy and older than me) seems to have got right in there with all of them but apart from a complete body and personality transplant I don't know what else I can do.

Please don't laugh at this post, I haven't opened myself out like this for ages other than to DH and I'm feeling a bit sick over sending this!

TheArchangel, I do think that your being young and attractive brings out insecurities in other women. That's their problem. Agree that you have to be the one to make the effort to break into cliques (if you think it is worth it) and that you should just concentrate on the few people you click with.

I have not put in much effort since I went back to work pt and am now friendless! There are women I would like to meet up with but sighhh, just can't be arsed to put in the work. Have only myself to blame.

hang on, we don't know these women, we only have Archangels version of events and she is, by her own admission, a little shy. we're casting judgement on a bunch of women we don't know!

we don't hang around on the edge of groups like a mangy dog when we're new. normal people (as i'm sure Archangel is)realise it takes time to integrate ito a group and that not all of us can be or want to be central to every group we're part of, those that are not central or new to these kind of groups are not 'mangy dogs'

these situations take time and an open heart and mind, not casting judgement on people within a few weeks of knowing them, which Archangel doesn't seem to be doing, but some people on here do.

M&T groups can be hard to penetrate, I have been going to mine for a couple of years and am still only on acquaintance (sp?) terms with a lot of people, and I am a right pushy gobshite who doesn't think twice of barging in so it is even tougher if you are on the shy side.

Keep at it, if you are in a new village it may take time to feel at home.

What I did at mine, was just attach myself to diferent groups each week and try and memorise names - it is amazing how people love it if you say 'hello X, has little Bruno got over his cold/rash/etc?'

I used to be a model too but I have only mentioned it on here about 300 times so will keep that one to myself.

I have never had people treat me different because I am tall and slim - I have my mother to thank, nothing to do with me!!!

Well I don't want to be friends with any one who is an ex model

Seriously - the main problem is as others have said that real friendships take ages to cultivate, and are as difficult to find as good romantic relationships. As others have said, try asking just one mother if she would like to meet up sometime. Also don't be upset if she doesn't seem too keen. It could be all sorts of things other than she doesn't want to see you.

I go to a mother and toddler group that I find lovely. They are all very friendly but I haven't seen any of them out of the group and I've been going almost every week for about 7 months. I do work PT though so sometimes mixing the two worlds can be difficult. I myself haven't asked anyone to meet up either as I like to see over time if a friendship develops and I've never been a quick mover. Also I currently find it hard to fit everything in as it is, yet there is one woman in particular I really like and we always chat - just have never met up outside the group.

Give it time and try not to take it personally, hard I know

Maybe I'm a bit weird.... I prefer the casualness of those kind of groups, no pressure to get to know people more than you want to. There are a lot of mums I enjoy speaking with when I cross their path at ballet or whatever, but I wouldn't like it if they went a step further and invited me round because I don't want to strike up a friendship and get all that involved with them. So for me that group you go to would probably be fine!

I don't have much experience of village life, but my guess is you wouldn't want to rush a friendship you couldn't back out of again easily since you'd be bumping into that person all the time. So maybe people just take a little longer before they let newcomers into their cliques? I expect you just have to perservere being friendly and let some water pass under the bridge.

Oh Soopermum1, I don't know, people may not mean to be like that but it's very easy to fall into the "mangy dog" frame of mind when you're new in a cliquey situation. I know I have and I'm quite confident in myself normally.

I agree with most things, particualarly divide and conquer and SSSSAndy. I've just moved an work part time so don't have lots of spare time to socialise.

After 2.5 years of work I had ooh about 2 'friends' in my old place. They were the ones I'd met at a tiny baby massage place and I went round their houses about 5 times over that period (so hardly at all). I also liked my neighbour. I haven't kept in touch with anyone. If you saw us across a room we prob looked like alpha mums who hadn't been to the hairdresser for a while. If only we'd had some of those trendy animal fleeces to go with our trainers. I vote wolf.

when we moved i went to new toddler group and got cornered by someone who invited me to lunch each week and made it clear i was going to become one of her inner circle - scared the pants off me and i couldn't make friends with anyone else. Now I go to a diff playgroup and i just figure i'm going for the kids to play not for me to meet people, if they can meet some friends then life is easier. Not expecting me to make any bosom buddies but i've got my old friends for that but nice to have the odd cup of coffee.

Just to add my own thoughts on this. Don't feel you have to rush in Archangel. I have a number of friends who get really keen & want to make a cosy circle of friends at nursery/school so that they feel secure & then they end up falling out or not really liking the "friends" they've made because they were in such a rush in the first place.
I'd rather hold back a bit & take my time. I'm always polite & responsive - but I would rather take my time & let people's personalities unfurl a bit before I decide if I want to do playdates or coffee with them (bit of a fantasy really as I work too much!). Standing on your own at the school gates doesn't mean you are "billy no mates" it could just mean that you don't need to be talking to anyone at that moment in time!

Hi Sorry if it came across like that. Obviously all my old friends are still in the same continent but for some of them it doesn't nec feel like that. I have two old friends who have kids/partners and they live in other counties and most of my other frieds are single/dont' have kids. I don't really see them but I think what I meant was that if i need personal support or a gossip I call them and have a chat.

Having moved to the other side of london (i appreciate not quite the same as you!) I did find someone who had always lived there rushing in and being slightly cliquey a bit scary. I'm new and intend to live in this area for all my kids schooling (so at least 20 years) therefore I didn't think I wanted a 'best' friend at this point. All I personally want is a little group of people on my level to have the odd coffee with and to provide a support network (like babysitting group, friends for the kids etc). I don't want one friend - who I've just met - ringing me and arranging things every day. I think it does scare a lot of people off and i think it is important to give any relationship time to develop rather than rushing in.

Also I was singularly unsuccessful in making friends in my old area. I did expect to suddenly have all these busom buddies and over time I realised that it wasn't going to happen. Just cos we've got kids doesn't mean we have anything in common. So i think it's a bit of once bitten and all that.

annimac also one of my friends has a dd at school and she said it wasn't really until then that she started making friends. She even goes out for a drink now and then (totally unimaginable locally for me).

I know what you mean about feeling alone I just think I'm too tired to care right now and I came to the conclusion that as I got no further than acquantances in my old area, that a lot of that has to do with being (them or me) too tired to make huge amounts of effort. I'm also in same situation re SIL and when we moved I was looking forward tothat relationship evolving, now I don't even know if it still exists.

yeah i know. we were living in the eastend before and people tended to fall into extreme groups; either really wealthy and older mums or very badly off and often a lot younger, or spoke a different language. I just didn't fall into any of those groups. To make matters worse dh lost his job and we couldnt afford things our contemporaries were doing. The epopel I tended to gravitate to were ones who were born and bred and had family really nearby so weren't looking for the sort of support network I needed. I do feel for you being so cut off but I think that over time you'll build up that kind of network here too. even though I have a bit more ofa network in my new area (mum and dad live 15 min drive away). I dont have any friends here and we're actually at my parents (for last 9 months) so have squashed any social life we used to have and my life is on hold at mo so feel v sorry for self.

My cousin said when she first had her ds she used to think everyone looked really old and mumsy (and therefore v different to her, ie v unlikely to get on a table in a bar and be stupid). Then you look in the mirror and realise you look likethat to other people .

OMG, I'm not intending to 'bump' this thread but have just returned to it after a couple of days and found loads of messages! Sorry, thought it'd run it's course the night b4 last So an advance 'thank you ' to all of you for your advice, I'm going kick back and read it all now!