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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what to do for the best

51 replies

Nirvana1999 · 23/03/2013 23:04

Dh and I split up weeks ago, he was physically and emotionally abusive. He begged for me to take him back but despite his promises he hasn't changed :( I don't know what to do anymore. I can't afford to pay stuff when he's not here. I work FT but without him I struggle financially. I know I'm weak and pathetic. Putting up with being used as a punchbag for the sake of money. Even if we split the maintenance doesn't help towards my CC bills etc. what a mess. Any advice is appreciated.

Please be gentle, he's out at the pub with friends so I'm on a knives edge waiting for him to come home. I thought I'd post in here to maybe try and find some sort if hope.

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 24/03/2013 21:15

We are here, nirvana, and we care

Fight for your babies, that is all you can do

Spiritedwolf · 24/03/2013 21:22

Thinking of you, I hope you can get real life support (police/women's aid) soon. Please try and get yourself and your babies safe. You can get help with the organising the finances from Women's Aid or the Citizens Advice Bureau.

saggyhairyarse · 24/03/2013 21:34

You are definitely not pathetic! You married/are in a relationship with a man who is controlling you with fear, that makes him pathetic in my book. I am sure the first time you thought it was a one off, there were 'mitigating circumstances' and that everything would be alright. Buts its not now. Please, please, please think of the damage living in this family is doing to your children but above all think about your own right to be happy. You, nirvanan, deserve to not live in fear.

saravalerie · 24/03/2013 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Chubfuddler · 24/03/2013 22:09

Oh do fuck off saravalerie. What a load of guff.

EggyFucker · 24/03/2013 22:12

Easter holidays have started in some areas, I believe

Original poster
Nirvana1999 · 24/03/2013 22:56

Thanks for replying. I'll ignore the casting spell shit if that's ok with you Hmm

He's not long woke up. What a life. Told me he's not going anywhere and I know where the door is. He knows I can't afford the house without him anyway. I'm going to have to leave.

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 24/03/2013 23:00

Are you sure love ?

Get some legal advice. Many solicitors offer the first half hour free. It could be the best move you ever make.

Original poster
Nirvana1999 · 24/03/2013 23:05

I don't even know if I want to stay, I don't know if a clean break away would be for the best. I feel totally and utterly lost, I can't think straight. What happened to the man who loved me, protected me? He's happy to show me the door without a second thought.

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 24/03/2013 23:08

If you need to go, then go, and sort the legalities out later

Look out for yourself, that is all you can do

SPBInDisguise · 25/03/2013 07:16

Still here nirvana, struggling to find words. Do you have any friends you can rely on?

tribpot · 25/03/2013 07:22

If you think he's going to follow your threads now he knows you've posted, I would name change. Women's Aid have some good advice about hiding your online presence.

The first and most important thing is to get yourself and your dc to a place of safety. Please talk to Women's Aid again and also to the police. Did he hit you last night?

waltermittymissus · 25/03/2013 09:33

Men like him don't love. They control, own, possess. But they are incapable of love.

This is NOT you. No part of this is your fault.

If you need to be the one to leave, then leave. Whose name is on the tenancy agreement?

You don't need a house. Rent a two bedroom flat.

Get more maintenance from him through CSA.

This is shit. Getting out is hard, frightening and feels impossible sometimes. All you have to do is set the wheels in motion. One day at a time.

It will be the best thing you will ever do for you and your dc.

Phone the police now. Tell them what he did last night. Tell them he took your phone. You need to start logging incidences. I notice how you say he just laughed at you.

He's not trying to charm you anymore. You took him back so he thinks you're an safe bet. Why would he waste his time treating you with a crumb of respect?

waltermittymissus · 25/03/2013 09:35

*saturday night

And saravalerie do a little disappearing spell on yourself.

Original poster
Nirvana1999 · 25/03/2013 17:12

Thanks for the advice.

The house is a private rent in both our names. I need to look into the legal side of things. Working 9-5 doesn't give me much time trying to call housing etc. I've asked for a few days off this week to make phone calls etc. He is now ignoring me completely which is better than other option of getting abuse thrown at me. He's away on business on Thursday so hopefully set the wheels in motion to get the hell out of here.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 25/03/2013 19:02

Nirvana, see a solicitor first thing while he's away, before then if you can.

Keep all important documents, passports etc out of his way.

I really do urge you to log this with the police. Not to have him arrested but it's better to have a record of this things.

Original poster
Nirvana1999 · 26/03/2013 21:46

Thanks,I know the threads dropped off the page but I done a pregnancy test this morning and its positive. I've never felt so much turmoil and worry in my whole life.

OP posts:
DaffodilAdams · 26/03/2013 21:58

Oh Nirvana you are having an awful time of it. OK, if you are just renting then there is less pressure to stay in the house apart from the hassle and stress of moving obviously, which is no mean thing. But there may be more hassle and stress getting him out of the house. I would definitely take Eggy's advice and try and find a free half hour with a solicitor. You may find his violent behaviour will work against him in this case. I would also try Women's Aid again. They can be seriously good.

Pregnancy, well if you are serious about leaving and you can make it happen soon, then I would worry about the pregnancy after you have left. For the moment I wouldn't tell him (in fact I probably wouldn't ever tell him unless you decide to keep it).

But this relationship needs to end no matter who leaves.

Giving you a ((((hug)))) too because you probably need it.

saggyhairyarse · 26/03/2013 23:16

There is an organisation called Rights for Women in London, it is a telephone line manned by solicitors to help women especially in domestic violence cases.

Original poster
Nirvana1999 · 27/03/2013 00:18

Thanks daffodil, a hug is more than needed. I don't have any more words right now. I just don't kno what to say about the whol sorry situation. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

OP posts:
DaffodilAdams · 27/03/2013 22:19

Hope you are OK Nirvana x

tribpot · 27/03/2013 22:27

All the more reason for you to get away, Nirvana. You were hoping to do a runner tomorrow when he was away on business. Please, please do.

Original poster
Nirvana1999 · 28/03/2013 22:55

He's gone, packed all his things last night, said he'd send a friend for the rest. Feel relieved but worried about the future.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 29/03/2013 08:18

Oh nirvana ((hugs))

Bitofadviceplease · 29/03/2013 08:38

No advice I'm afraid but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you & hope it all works out for you xx