advice needed my wife has been having an affair

[daddyspence]

hi all

seem silly posting on here but didnt know what else to do. Last night my wife admitted to having an affair with her boss. It has been going on for months. We have an 18 year old son who is my world.

she says she wants to leave but i dont want to be apart from my son. I feel like my world has been ripped apart and i dont know what to do. Please help

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must hurt so much. One observation I've made from having a close friend in a similar situation is that as well as all the pain, shock, rejection you often have control taken from you too.

She's made the decisions to a) have an affair and b) leave the marriage. Don't make it any more painful for yourself than it has to be and take control. Ask her to stay somewhere else while she sorts out alternative housing and make a suggestion about when and where each of you will spend time with your son.

Let her know you'll instigate legal proceedings and do start arming yourself with information and sound advice.

Lean on friends and family in RL. Yes, everyone has their own lives but that doesn't stop people being there for you in a time of crises. When people say 'can I do anything?' practise saying yes and asking for specific support/help whether it's about taking time to meet up or helping with practical stuff around childcare etc.

Take care of yourself. Remember to eat, sleep etc.

Meditrina that is true. I'm this case though, she seems fairly certain and thought out. It doesn't look good.

It might be worth setting a deadline for when she will move out, whether or not she has found a longer term housing solution.

She could perhaps lodge with someone or (if finances permit) go to a B&B whilst she looks for a new place. DS stays in former marital home until she has somewhere that he can go to 50/50. That should focus her mind on getting on with it.

Meditrina - you are being unhelpful. The OP will be advised by his sol not to leave the family home, as will the OP's wife. It sounds perfectly sensible for them to occupy separate rooms while they work out the finer details of their parting.

OP - I'm so very sorry about your marriage. Please be kind to one another in honour of the marriage you used to have.

OP. you owe this woman nothing. Your main concern now is for your DS and for yourself. This woman is not your friend. Keep her at arms length and do not tell her how you feel. She doesn't care any more. Been there, done that..,

Littlefrieda, the most unhelpful thing is to ask someone to honour the marriage the used to have. When hidden infidelity had been going on for months.

OP needs to protect his interests, because even if he is too upset and shocked to believe it yet, she certainly will be.

Onefewernow - it's perfectly possible to protect your interests and exercise kindness simultaneously.

I would like to think my own marriage would survive infidelity on either side (I hope it never comes to that test). Marriage is so much more than sexual fidelity. Perhaps I should go and live in France.

I'm so glad for you that a way has been found that your DS is back home with you.

You are being incredibly strong in managing this in a civilized way and this should stand you in a really strong position for managing your way through to ultimately establishing independance for you with your son and you on your own.

Have you thought about timescales etc? When XH left i wrote a list that outlined the basic agreements we were putting in place at that stage. Like that the DS, in my case were going to stay with me, i would file for divorce and he wouldn't contest or counter file etc. We agreed the document both signed and then copied it so we each had a copy to work from. It wasn't legally binding as we didn't get witness signatures or take independant legal advice but morally both having it in writing as the basic outline it helped us focus.

I used email then and now as a polite way of communicating. You can write an angry aggressive email getting all your frustration out, then save it to drafts, calm down and edit it so you get your points across but edit out the emotion. Having everything in email format means that you have written record.

I'm guessing you have a rough timetable between you of when she will move out and the days between now and then you need to be kind to yourself. Sitting in stoney silence in the lounge isn't going to do either of you any good so things like going out to the cinema one evening, possibly offering for her to go out another will give you the breathing space to get through.

This is about long term civility and if you can maintain the upper ground morally, in the way you are now, it really will help smooth your future.

This weekend no doubt currently feels like a lifetime away and i wouldn't prejudge your religious bias but many businesses close for the four day period so I don't think i'm being to presumptious to assume that you and your sons mum will both be off work. Do you have family that maybe you and your DScould go and stay with for two days and then you sons mother have your DS the other two?

Having your DS overnight on your own is both good for your relationship and establishes that you can cope overnight on your own later down the track if his mother feels that she wants to be able to have it all. It may also be a true dawning for her for the situation created and provoke an interesting emotional response.

Keep strong.

Meant to add; your wife is months ahead of you in processing all of this. You need some time to catch up mentally and emotionally. Her presence during these first few days may well make that more difficult and painful. She needs to give you the space to catch up with where you are (or rather, where she's gone).

Take care and if you can keep your son's needs as the only priority in the road ahead, you'll be making the best of an awful situation.

I don't really have a lot to add other than a few nods to what the other posters have said, and my support.

You are not, and must never think of yourself as, a fool or an idiot. It is a very brave thing to trust another person and the bigger the shock this was to you, the more wholey you were committed to your relationship. You gave all of yourself and she took it and abused it. That only speaks badly of her, not you.

What do you want fromher while you work through this? Do you want her to stand by your side and help you get out to the other end ready to answer any questions you might have or have any arguements that you may need? Would she be prepared to do that? Or are you better off recovering on your own?

Onefewernow - I totally agree with you. It is not possible to be kind to honour the marriage you used to have, when one of you has shit all over the other one.

Sorry Freida but its a patronising thing to say to somebody who wife has cheated on him, showing no honour to the marriage whatsoever.

It will be a cold day in hell when I am kind to the man who walked out on us with no prior warning.

Whateverhernameis - blimey.

I am so sorry, you are in so much pain. I think it must hurt more when you didn't have any warning signs and just were not expecting it (which means she is very good at decieving I think).

Just try and remember that your pain will pass, it will take time, this pain does not disappear quickly but you will be happy again.

Look after yourself.
1- arm yourself with a good solicitor to make sure you get what you deserve
2- get counselling. My sister went through something similar and talking to a professional about her feelings really helped her get stronger
3- keep healthy. Don't get in the trap of too much drinking, too much eating. Do excercise and really look after yourself.

I am really crossing my fingers for some strong karma to come her way.

LittleFrieda: OP has posted that she is moving out; it's just detail of timing now. And the sooner the better; at least unless/until the affair is decisively ended.

Hi all

Again thanks for your kind words it means alot to me.

I am due to meet a solicitor at the end of the week. I'm currently writing this on my phone in an empty bed it feels strange.

Im still feeling rubbish and not wanted but ive had some lovely words of encouragement from my parents and friends. I've taken the day off work tomorrow to spend it with my son I can't wait.

To the poster who said I have given easily I'm sorry you think that way but she has already made her mind up who she wants

so sorry. Although different reasons for split my brother and his partner split when their DS was 6 months old. They do live near each other but my brother got solicitor and secure 3 nights a week, weekends and holidays, we , his sisters and parents help out and my brother has great relationship with DS. My advice would be to seek legal advice and agree access asap to ensure initial access agreements and not alow it to drift...express in the strongest terms that whatever she wants to do with her life your relationship with your DS will continue, it will be hard but worth it, BTW does her boss want to be with her and DS? that's a big decision

I hope your solicitor's appointment goes well (hopefully she doesn't know about it yet?) and that you can get access finalised ASAP, before things drift into your son being resident with her.

This must have been such a blow to you. FWIW, it doesn't sound like her new man does want to live with her and your son, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you will want her back either.

Hi all just a quick update.

I'm seeing the solicitor tomorrow and go through the options. Soon to be ex wife is staying in the spare room.

We just avoid each other when we can. Its a horrible feeling going from being so intimate with someone for so long to ignoring each other within a few days.

hopefully one day I will feel that intimacy with someone new. I'm still down but getting by. Have to say though you ladies are amazing and so helpful. I'm very grateful for it

I'm sorry to hear that you have been out through this. However, your son will always love you whilst you are a constant in his life, no matter how hard it gets with XW this is imperative. From personal experience come hell or high water you can be there for your son and have as good a relationship with him as you wish for, it's all about routine, openness, consistancy and forever saying I love you. As he gets older never fall into the temptation to blame his mother, even in anger, no matter what she is saying, he will respect you for it.

For now just think of all the brilliant boys weekends you cn have with him, outdoors stuff, fishing, camping - I don't know but lots of things without a naggy mummy along for the ride xxx

It must be very painful, and having her in the house is probably making it worse although I realise that you want to see your son. Once she has gone, after a period of grieving, you will be able to start to rebuild your life. At the moment you are being held in this awful state until things are sorted.

I hope the solicitor's appointment goes well and that you can get access arranged quickly and with minimal disruption to your boy.

I have been where you are now. 14 years later life couldn't be better so you can come out the other side. In fact my life got considerably better within months as I didn't have to suffer her moaning any more!

Good luck Daddyspence

There is no reason why your son should go to her automatically.

She's clearly going to go (good riddance IMO) but that doesn't mean your son has to go too.

I take it her boss isn't married?

So sorry x