advice needed my wife has been having an affair

[daddyspence]

hi all

seem silly posting on here but didnt know what else to do. Last night my wife admitted to having an affair with her boss. It has been going on for months. We have an 18 year old son who is my world.

she says she wants to leave but i dont want to be apart from my son. I feel like my world has been ripped apart and i dont know what to do. Please help

Whats passed has passed. Its really hard not to think 'did everyone know', 'am I a fool', 'are they all laughing at me'. Just don't. It wont help. Truth be told like so many others, including myself, you'll probably never know the full truth. Even if you did you can't do a damn thing about it.

Practicalities: could you stand it under the same roof in separate rooms for a defined period of a week or two to allow her to secure alternative accommodation?(assuming you want to stay where you are and not secure something else for yourself)

Are you expecting your DS to be returned to you tomorrow?

in an ideal world i wouldnt want to lose this house. even though it is now tainted with bad memories i just love it so much and ive done alot of it up myself.

its just hard getting used to the idea of being away from someone ive spent the last 8 years of my life with. Weve been married for 4 of those years.

The worst part is i didnt even see it coming there were no signs if that makes sense?

It's not uncommon for discovery of an affair to come as a bolt out of the blue. The wandering spouse has gradually become expert at deceit.

Bith husband and wife are responsible for the state of a marriage. But only one of those in the marriage chose to deceive and cheat, and the affair is wholly their responsibility.

If you are not sure she will leave immediately, then at least move all her stuff into a spare room.

It does make sense. The day my XH walked out we'd had a really nice big family day out. We'd made plans for a holiday and for out DS's birthday. He was living a double life. We'd been married 11 years together for 13.

If you want to stay get the house valued asap, prices are possibly on the up and if there is any settlement at a later stage it could potentially be a point of negotiation.

I wrote a list of what I wanted then put all the things in priority order. It really helped me target where to focus my energies. Top of my list was to be resident parent of my DC, second was to stay in the house, third was to secure the long term ownership of the house etc etc.

I'm glad you've called people and hope that someone can be with you, even if not be in contact with people. You need to keep your head above water right now.

As an aside XH leaving turned out to be a positive thing in mine and the DC's lives. On reflection he'd become depressed and angry a lot of the time, I couldn't see it then though. I'm remarried and have a DD to go with my 2 DS's. DH is a great and loving dad to all three DC and I have a civil relationship with XH, who i will never forgive, who has a positive relationship with the boys.

Of course it makes sense. I got dumped for an OW by a man that I'd been out with for 12 years, married for 6. You think you know someone after that long. Wrong. Of course, you'll probably look back now and there will be things you dismissed as unimportant that you now realise were significant.... things she explained away perhaps... etc. If you're not looking for infidelity you don't see it. But that's all part of the self-torture of being the dump-ee rather than the dump-er... the unanswered questions, the inevitable tendency to self-blame. This is why you need friends, family and why you need to keep busy.

First of all am very sorry to hear this, you must still be in shock, don't be embarrassed or ashamed to confide in a trusted friend or your family.

Right now you must feel like your world has caved in, it is probably for the best at present that there is some space between you so you can take it all in. Try and stay in touch for your son's sake, however his mum has changed she shouldn't attempt to distance you from your son. If she has been planning this for a while she may well have prepared the ground with her family beforehand - exiting the marriage is not something she'd have done lightly no matter how selfish she seems to be.

Relationships do fail and it often isn't so much one person 'failing' as both people unable to get along together. The mature grown up way to go about calling it a day is not to start sleeping with someone else (in her case the boss) before discussing it. She's had months to allow herself to break rules and do as she pleases, perhaps make more permanent plans, you are still playing catch up.

Too late now so best thing is to get outside unbiased help, talk things over through mediation, it isn't point scoring it should help get things on a civil footing so you have access to your son and can make arrangements to ensure his well-being.

On a practical level keep eating, don't look for comfort in alcohol, please reach out to someone close you can unburden yourself to, this is an unexpected end to an 8 year relationship but just take one day at a time.

So sorry to hear this. You haven't failed and you're not "weak" at all - it's clear from your posts that you are a decent person capable of love. While it's sad that you need to, posting here is a good move - the experience andknowledge of the wide world of MN is here for you. I have none (or so I trust, so far) but wanted you to know that other people will see you as wronged, not weak, and will admire/love/like/respect you no less for the actions of someone else.

This can and does happen to anyone, unfortunately. i have my own views on this specific type of affair but that's my issue, not yours. Take care of yourself - do nothing all day if you feel like it, but do see a close family member or friend soon. You will be amazed how much a real friend can soak up.

My XH walked out with no prior warning, came back because I begged him, then left again last Easter. When they are contacting somebody that they shouldn't they become experts in deception.

You have not failed, she chose to do this. My XH did this after ten years together and a 4yo DD.

Please get legal advice about the house, finances, acces to DS.

,

You are not a failure nor are you weak, I am sorry thishas happened to you. Regarding your ds custody is nearly always granted to the parent who is living with the child when it goes to court as they would be viewed as the primary carer. It would be best if either your wife leaves or you both stay living with your son.
Or does you wife want to stay married to you and end the affair if you think your marriage could be saved?

So sorry

I would get real life support and legal advice.

Please remember that she CHOSE to cheat instead of resolving issues with you by talking etc.

Is the other man married with children himself? If so, is he planning to leave his wife and family as well or has he already done so and has a pace she can go to?

If your wife is saying she wants to leave and you currently share the care for your son 50-50, don't automatically assume that she will be his primary carer just because she's his mother, or that you'll have to give up the house. One of the best bits of advice we can give you is to see a family lawyer next week and not to agree to anything permanent until then. Proximity to your son (either living with him as much as possible or at least nearby) and keeping your good job are your practical priorities right now.

I've not been through this, but I know quite a few who have and it's natural to wonder why you had no suspicions. But the thing is, you were entitled to trust your wife to be faithful and if you're a sorted person, you wouldn't have been prone to possessiveness or paranoia. As someone else commented, looking back you'll probably now recall her behaviour changing towards you in some way and that she seemed less 'present', but you probably put that down to the pressures of work and having a child. None of this is your fault and your wife has no excuses. If this bloke's married too, it means they've both been selfish enough to ruin two families through their actions.

You are not weak, your wife has betrayed you.

My DH was left in a similar situation by his ex, he made some serious mistakes. Do not leave the house if you can afford to keep it on yourself, do not allow her to push the blame onto you, this is her doing.

See a solicitor as soon as possible, and start as you mean to go on. Talk about child arrangements, don't agree to anything less than 50:50 shared care.

Good luck, I know it's devastating, but my DH is incredibly happy now, we have a great relationship with his children (50:50 share), if it were up to him he'd be with them 100% of the time, but we have the best situation we can have in the situation he was put into.

hi all

just wanted again to say thank you for your kind words and support.

My wife came home yesterday afternoon so we sat down and discussed a few things. Her boss isnt married and doesnt have kids she said she never meant for it to happen etc i heard some details that i wish i hadnt heard to be honest.

She is going to stay here in a seperate room while she finds herself a new house. Child care is going to be split 50/50 when that happens.

Im still feeling very numb and it still hurts like hell. She gave me the you will find someone who deserves speech but at the moment thats the last thing im thinking about.

Interesting that the boss isn't rushing to have her move in with a toddler. Illicit affairs are very exciting but the reality of living with small children can take a lot of the shine off it. Do get her to move out sooner rather than later. It's torture living under the same roof with the person that has so utterly rejected you.

Just wanted to wish you well. I can only echo what you have been told about legal advice etc. And above all, take care of yourself.

As others have said, get some legal advice as soon as you can, but keep that to yourself. Take copies of any and all documents and statements and keep them safe - again don't let her know this.

I hope you can get some support of RL friends/family.

Feel bad for you mate. Why is it so often that women run off with their bosses? Must be a power thing I reckon.

The sad thing is he's probably done this a few times and once she's with him he'll probably cool off as he's no longer chasing.

Although it's not ideal that you don't get to see your son all the time, use your free time to get some self confidence back. See friends, join a gym, have a few dates, join hobby groups (meetup.com have a few you can join) and just do whatever you can to take your mind off it. I know it's probably killing you right now but it's her fault she left, not yours.

Wish you all the best.

So sorry you're going through this OP.

Please make her move out, my STBXH continued to live with me for a while after telling me he was going to go and live with his OW. It was soul destroying.

She's made her decision, make her go on your terms not hers.

X

Looking for support and advice is not weak, it's very strong. You need to lean on people either irl or on here so you can focus on getting the best solution for your son.

Couldn't agree more about getting her to leave ASAP.
My husband stayed around for 6 months and it was not fun at all!
We both agree now that it was the wrong thing to do.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. You will go through a whole process of emotions and remember it is a grieving process so let yourself go through it.
Friends and family will want to help you through this, so let them! They love you.
Give yourself time and be good to yourself!

You seem to have given up on your marriage very quickly, given she only told you all this yesterday. Which is fair enough if you know she's crossed a line and there's no way back, but have you thought it through? Was your marriage over before you knew about the affair?

LittleFrieda, have you read the thread? - his DW has completely checked out and her focus is elsewhere - implicit within your question is a suggestion that OP is rushing to judgment - personally i just can't see that - i think he is taking the right approach and facing up to reality and should be supported in that

BurtNo - I have read the thread. I'm just asking Opif he's certain his marriage is over. Lots of marriages survive affairs. Just saying.

Marriage cannot survive whilst she is still seeing OM.

Whether OP thinks it is over because lies and infidelity are utter deal breakers for him, or whether he thinks there can be a route to a reconciliation (which is a brave decision that takes time to reach), there is little that can be done whilst the affair continues.

If OP wants the affair over and a chance to work together to see of anything can be salvaged, it is actually in his interests to separate decisively now. Only that way will the betraying spouse have the "bubble" burst - making the affair no longer an illicit and exciting secret, but day to day reality which may well not seem so enticing.

The "you will find someone you deserve " speech is about assuaging her own guilt, not making you feel better.

I think it would be really helpful to your self esteem to get a solicitor, and ask her to go. Please do not share your feelings with her. She is no longer your friend, and you will see that soon. She kept this hidden for so long as it was convenient for her to do so. She is a player, as they say.

Please don't let this allow you to become bitter and mistrustful. That could ruin your future. Not all women are like this- most aren't.

Try to get out a bit and see people or go to the pub or anything else, or away for weekends. It will make you feel better. It will also give her an unpleasant surprise to see its not all on her terms.

All the research shows that affair havers tend to an underlying selfishness. I think you will come to see that. Manage your boundaries.