Sex

[Gillyan]

Hi

Just wondering how often people have sex when you've been together and have kids?

We've been together 6 years, have 2 kids.

What is 'normal' ?

Pretty fed up of lack of action and have been for about 4 years! Had every discussion under the sun about it. He makes no effort yet tells me he does want to have to sex with me. He's just asleep on the sofa every night!

Any time I make a nice meal, but some wine, get dressed up and ask if we can have a 'nice' evening together he either gets bladdered on the wine and falls asleep or we argue about why there's no sex.

It got that its about 3-4 times a year!!!

His excuse is he is tired all the time. I've had numerous conversation about making time for it and if it has to be scheduled in then so be it and he agrees then its never mentioned again. Years ago he blamed it on medication he was taking, he's not on that anymore. Then he blamed it having 'issues' which he saw a counsellor about, the counsellor determined he had no issues. Now it's back to being tired.

I've told him that I refuse to stay in a sexless relationship and an sick of living like a retiree when I'm 30 yrs old.

He's not cheating etc and its not that be doesn't find me attractive - I'm sure of that. It's just laziness and him being prudish.

And he's not gay as while I was pregnant with DD2 I discovered his new Internet porn addiction that had been going on for months all the while paying me no attention.

He does not communicate at all and I'm sick to death of trying, I feel like I have to beg for a sex life.

This post started off as an enquiry about how often people have sex... It has fast become a rant, sorry!

*buy some wine. I do not but wine! Lol

And your third last paragraph holds the answer - Internet porn addiction.

have you always been incompatible with sex. you say he's prudish--how do you mean, in the instigating or the act, yet he must have always been that way.

Hmmm

Agree with Rhonda.

Is he still watching porn?

Seems to me (from threads on here) that many men get into porn and tune right out of their rl sex lives

About every 10 days. DH would like it every other day.

I wouldn't stay in the relationship I were you. You are too young to be this unhappy.

Cherchez la porn..... A man getting plenty of junk food delivered is not going to go to the trouble of preparing a healthy meal is he. Like all selfish men that CBA once there's a wedding ring on their finger, he's bone idle, disrespectful & taking it for granted that you'll still be there when he is in the mood for a proper roast.... in the meantime, his life is totally adequate to his needs and sod everyone else's.

In your shoes I would be pointing out that, if nothing changes, he's on borrowed time. He needs a fright.

Piratecat - things were fine in the beginning - he was a bit prudish as in would clam up when I asked him what he liked to do. He hasn't had many relationships before me and has admitted he's a bit prudish and I guess shy about talking about it in any detail. But thing were good and we had a good sex life, he's instigate as well as me and send rude texts etc. Then when I was pregnant I just lost him, he was distant and there was no connection, I then found out about the porn. I'm not prude and had mentioned to him when we met that he must have a huge collection of open a had been single for 7yrs. I was only joking and he got all prudish about it insisting he found that immoral. So he chose me being pregnant to explore the delights of Internet porn - he should of done that as a teenager/early twenties not when he was 35 with a baby in the way.

We moved on with him promising to be more open with me and make more of an effort... Same conversations are had 3/4 times a year and nothing changes. I really don't think is open again as it was a one off that spiralled out if control ( because he'd been a bit prude all his adult life ) suddenly happened upon some and couldn't stop looking!

Will reply to other posts later, off to the Easter fair in the snow.

I've told him he's on borrowed time, even said if he's not prepared to have a sex life with me I'll go find myself one. I wouldn't do that bug just to shock him.

I honestly don't think it porn again or an affair or him not wanting me. I think he just has low sex drive. But I think he's selfish for not making more of an effort when he keeps promising he will.

Hence me wondering what is the 'norm' in a long term relationship.

Thanks for replies :)

"I honestly don't think it porn again or an affair or him not wanting me. I think he just has low sex drive."

But he doesn't want you.... he keeps rejecting you. Why it's happening is debatable but he really doesn't want to have sex and doesn't seem all that bothered about it.

toward the end of my relationship, i got it once a month, my ex was boring in bed, barely wanted sex, and im glad im out of that now, because im too young to not have dirty kinky sex.

It is the porn. My h was keen on sex for years....until he got into the porn. Then 3-4 times a year, as you say.

If he is always tired buy him some really good multi vitamins and minerals formulated especially for men, but it could be the porn.

It is likely that the porn is the main problem.

I'm in the process of separating from my H, one of the main reasons being our awful sex life. My sex drive has always been through the roof and I'm not exactly vanilla, I couldn't cope with the months at time without it (he works away a lot) and when we did have it, it being over in 15 minutes. No amount of talking helped

Life is too short for bad sex.

Is there much phsyical affection in your relationship without having sex?

No physical stuff at all, he pecks me on the lips before he goes to work and before he goes to sleep. I've told him for years that I hate that we don't 'snog' anymore.

He's a very quiet man and is very caring in every other way. He's supporting of everything I do and a good Dad. It's just the lack of sex, just starting to think he doesn't have it in him at all. In going to ask him he's been watching porn again. It's been 4.5 yrs since the last time so don't think he is but will ask.

Underpuns - that's exactly like me. Although he doesn't work away. I could understand the tiredness if he didn't work 9.30-5.30 locally where we live, no commuting or staying away and his job isn't stressful or physically demanding!

I will just say I was aware over the years, eg before the Internet, that he had had a slight interest in porn in the past. I only found out about his "massive porn habit" (his words) after a month at relate. By that time he had also spent the last five years sex chatting random women on the net.

The point here is that when I was going through the no sex humiliation - for which he blamed me/ our relationship- in various ways, I was not aware of his high porn use.

So if your h has a history of porn use and now feels under pressure in the bedroom, he is hardly likely to admit it.

In not saying that is the issue on your case. I'm just saying lee an open mind, because I would never have believed it, and I was wrong. He also used all the various excuses eg work, tired etc etc. The truth was, he was getting it elsewhere, even if not in person.

See that's worrying, I know DH and I go through phases where we are knackered and hardly see each other and there isn't much in the way of sex, but there's always lots of cuddles and physical affection even it's just in a dozy way.

I would prepare yourself because all the indicators are hs using porn again, or never stopped.

You ask how many times and my answer is that it varies but on average a couple of times a week including the occassional bout of 'kinky, dirty stuff'. We have been together seventeen years.
I can't see my DP preferring porn to the real thing. Porn and the real thing, yes. We do work at it though, making time for a session either romantic or raunchy about once a month. We bet sexual favours with each other, send sexts etc.
Is your guy rubbing one out when he watches porn which is why he has nothing in the locker for you.
Did you get married in church 'with my body I thee worship' A suggestion: make clear that you are about to ask him to leave if he doesn't buck his ideas up, insist on watching the porn with him and see if that leads to sex. You also may find that he is watching stuff that he thinks you won't do (and he may be right). Maybe he has a fetish. Explore and see if he will talk to you rather than lose you.

I don't think men choose porn instead of sex. I would imagine most men use porn to some extent. Some men have lots of sex and use porn a lot. Going off their wives/partners or having a low sex drive is a separate matter. From what you say OP he is not going to change.

I would imagine most men use porn to some extent.

I don't agree with this at all.

Going off their wives/partners or having a low sex drive is a separate matter

Or this, from stories I've seen on here.

He's definitely not watching porn he's just given me his phone to check history and we share a laptop anyway. Wouk almost be easier if it was porn.

Looking back, he has always been like this, maybe in the early days I was the one making more of the effort. It's not that if I tried it on with him he's refuse. It just never comes from him. Just had hours of talks and he's said the problem is its never come naturally to him, he is always tired and we wind each other up a lot which puts a barrier up. Also he said we're both constantly on our phones which is true and I am guilty of.

He said he is going to starts going to bed earlier when he's tired rather than sleeping on the sofa all evening, talk to me more about sex as insists he does 'want' to but the wanting never turns into 'doing' as he's always falling asleep and doesn't ever communicate that be wants to have sex. We've agreed to put mobiles down in te evening and be nicer to one another an maybe the sex will happen more naturally. He right I guess.

I've also said that there will be no repeat of the same conversation we've been having for 4 n 1/2 years and that if nothing changes its over. Told him I'm too young to put up with a sexless relationship and that he needs to grow up and take action to sort the situation, wether it comes naturally or not.

Porn - I've personally never had a problem with it as long as all consenting adults! I used to watch it with an ex, its hilarious and give u some good ideas! Lol! I suggested to DP that we watch it but he didn't want to. The porn thing was a one off and I was actually quite relived that at least he was interested in sex.

He can't keep shying away from telhe problem though and he knows its unfair to keep telling me he'll make more of an effort.

Thanks for listening and your advice. I think what one of u said early on was bang on, he's always been like this and probably won't change. So it's a case of plucking up the courage to end it. Such a tricky one as its the only thing that is wrong and I'd feel like I was destroying the kids - although its no good for them to head us arguing or sensing I'm not happy.