Sex

[Gillyan]

Hi

Just wondering how often people have sex when you've been together and have kids?

We've been together 6 years, have 2 kids.

What is 'normal' ?

Pretty fed up of lack of action and have been for about 4 years! Had every discussion under the sun about it. He makes no effort yet tells me he does want to have to sex with me. He's just asleep on the sofa every night!

Any time I make a nice meal, but some wine, get dressed up and ask if we can have a 'nice' evening together he either gets bladdered on the wine and falls asleep or we argue about why there's no sex.

It got that its about 3-4 times a year!!!

His excuse is he is tired all the time. I've had numerous conversation about making time for it and if it has to be scheduled in then so be it and he agrees then its never mentioned again. Years ago he blamed it on medication he was taking, he's not on that anymore. Then he blamed it having 'issues' which he saw a counsellor about, the counsellor determined he had no issues. Now it's back to being tired.

I've told him that I refuse to stay in a sexless relationship and an sick of living like a retiree when I'm 30 yrs old.

He's not cheating etc and its not that be doesn't find me attractive - I'm sure of that. It's just laziness and him being prudish.

And he's not gay as while I was pregnant with DD2 I discovered his new Internet porn addiction that had been going on for months all the while paying me no attention.

He does not communicate at all and I'm sick to death of trying, I feel like I have to beg for a sex life.

This post started off as an enquiry about how often people have sex... It has fast become a rant, sorry!

Sorry for typos, hope u can decipher! Trying to send this while no ones looking before I put my phone down for the rest of the day!

Once the sex goes that's it I think. You probably will have to end this - but I wish you luck in giving it your best shot first.

Good luck, hope you can fix it.

Sounds like your relationship is workable if you can get past the sex issues. I'd be prepared for an uphill struggle though, his problems with sex sound deeply ingrained.

Read about it www.loverlesson.com/

Mousik

Zombie Thread

thing You may not agree but most men do indeed use porn to some extent.

It sounds like porn addiction.
He probably watches porn a lot more than you think.

They are two options, Either you work on the porn addiction (because of the children) or you leave.

But you cant leave like this at the age of 30.
You are a saint for staying in a sexless relationship at 26!!!

About a year ago, my dh and i had sex about once a month....then he had an affair.

The lack of sex was my doing, i'd be too tired or not in the mood etc. That did not excuse the affair by any means, but he had one and we've had to pick up whats left of our marraige and try to put it back together.

Since then, since the full disclosure..we have sex whenever we can. it helps bring the closeness back, sometimes is romantic sex, sometimes angry crying sex etc...but its helping.

not sure what that means, but no matter what people say...it does help.

sorry if that doesnt help.

Boosterseat you are naive if you think most men dont watch porn

Based on what? Are we speaking about young men? Middle aged men? Older men? Single men? Married men?

To lump "most" men into one category is disrespectful to men, I know plenty of men who find it distasteful. Perhaps I socialise with the "wrong" type of man.

Although I believe you will tell me they all lie which is just another attractive personality trait as well as being hairy handed porn losers.

3-4 times a year! I think my DH is having an affair if I don't get that a week!

My dh watches a fair bit of porn and I don't mind at all. It doesn't effect our sex life, will still have sex 2-4 times a week. So porn may not be to blame.

• also just to note; you say he's not watching poem cause you've seen Internet history. It's VERY easy to hide porn use ; have it not show up in history. Maybe his low sex drive could be treated by the doctor. I couldn't live in a marriage with such infrequent sex. It's soooo important! Everyone deserves great sex. It's one of life's great pleasures! I'd really encourage him to go to doctors. There may be a simple mediation he can take to increase his desire for sex. Ultimately you may just not be sexually compatible, which is difficult to resolve, cause one of you will always be unhappy.

After 26 years, zero, but were now seperating!

I think he just has low sex drive. But I think he's selfish for not making more of an effort when he keeps promising he will.

I've also said that there will be no repeat of the same conversation we've been having for 4 n 1/2 years and that if nothing changes its over. Told him I'm too young to put up with a sexless relationship and that he needs to grow up and take action to sort the situation, wether it comes naturally or not.

If a man said the above things on here they would be torn to shreds!! They have been torn to shreds for even putting it in a nicer way than that!

I do think that the person who doesn't want sex should be honest with the other person in the relationship however and not always fob them off with excuses....the excuses cause false hope, more argument and cause the relationship to drag on and on when it's already dead because the other person DOES NOT WANT SEX.

You are absolutely doing the right thing to say that the only way you'll continue the relationship is if the sex situation improves and you can start to have a normal, regular sex life, I just am very doubtful that things will actually change unfortunately!

If it were me i'd just end it now. No way would I be telling a man he needs to start having sex with me whether it comes naturally or not!!!!

To an extent it's irrelevant whether he has a porn habit or not. He's either into you or he isn't. He either wants to have a physical relationship with you or he doesn't.

There are plenty of men who have active satisfying sex lives wanting it as much as their wives or more, and watch porn as well. Porn just satisfies a different part of the psyche, that's all. Yes, there are men who choose to watch porn and not have sex, but that's either because they don't want sex in general (fear of intimacy etc.) or they don't want their wife in particular. That's the problem to be addressed, not the existence of the porn.

When you think about it, framing it in terms of the porn being "instead of" a loving sex life with a real individual human, suggests that porn is capable of replacing such a sex life. If that's true then it's a sad indictment on long term committed sex.

It might be different if you were trying to have sex and it wasn't working because he was wanking too much. But if he doesn't even want to have sex with you in the first place then you've got a problem - basically the same problem whether he's into porn or not.

7 YEAR OLD ZOMBIE THREAD.

2013 thread

I'm not married, don't have kids and also don't live with my OH, but the topic piqued my interest. When I met him I was early 20s, slimmer and possibly more attractive than now. I remember feeling really weird though 'cos he had a pretty low sex drive and would often lose it when DTD. It led me to worry he wasn't attracted to me, but he was very affectionate in other ways and didn't seem to associate sex with affection. This went on for quite a few years.

In the last couple of years (well pre-lockdown) this totally changed. I used to have to practically beg him to have sex with me. I can't remember the last time I had to initiate it now. We've discussed it and he had (untreated) high BP issues that are now in check. He thinks this is what is mostly responsible for his lack of interest in sex during the supposed honeymoon period. We have far more sex now than we did five years ago. I'm no medical expert, but just thought it might be worth considering it could be something other than lack of attraction or porn addiction

DH and I went through a bad spell due to him having low testosterone. At the worst we had sex 1-2 times a fortnight.

Now he’s having treatment we have sex at least 3 times a week. Sometimes daily.
We have one son, so luckily don’t have a house full of kids to kill the mood.

Just noticed the date. Oh well. Hope your sex life improves op! Lol

Is he attracted to you physically? Most couples get caught up in the love and fun, but then later on, the affection dwindles because attraction isn’t there. One person let’s go and stops being attractive. Nothing cute about a woman with wrinkles and a flabby body.

Another thing- do you nag or criticize? That would be a killer for me. Love your man for who he is or find another. Simple.

How rude the OP hasnt been back in 7 years to give us an update

Probably too busy having sex

@VirgilAdventure19.....

What the do you do with the aging population then??

Wrinkles and flabby body?? You're grim as fuck.

Yeah, choosing porn instead of sex isn't the reason. Its a symptom, not the cause. I've been in his situation before. Porn was just easier for me. i was lazy, and often tired. In addition sex with my partner was simply boring. Also our relationship was on the decline. She complained our sex life wasn't enough for her, telling her she would find it elsewhere. I felt like I was being used and it put pressure on me. After 26 years together we are now splitting up.

My advice - don't put pressure on him. Stop badgering him. Try a different routine (i.e. sex during the day, Make it more spontaneous). Look at your relationship in general. Make the first move. Get more sleep and drop the alcohol.