Feeling sick,found out H had a profile with photo on MarriedAffair.com

[xxdriftwoodxx]

I am feeling sick and disgusted , I found out yesterday by pure accident that my H opened an account to meet women for sex on MarriedAffair.com last June,,
He put down his sexual favourites and included a photo of himself, I am devastated......
I was still dealing with his affair from 4 years ago and him joining match.com of and on over the years and I did seek advice from you all, but this I find the sickest of all the things he has done and I feel ready to explode,,
I haven't told him yet as my son is coming home from uni for Easter and both he and our other son have exams coming up,
I feel so sickened and disgusted,,,,,,,

xxdriftwoodxx

Firstly I am SO so SO sorry some shit has done this to you. And by 'this', I mean ALL of it - affairs, crushing your spirit, manifestly (via your posts) it SCREAMS through that he has diminished you in every way. Hence presumably your phases of thinking its big, no it's not, yes it is etc.

It IS BIG. And it's NOT okay. And you do not have to 'live' this way - as what are you living when you DO live this way? Agree with ALL advice upthread and that re what you are (however inadvertently) 'showing' your sons is 'okay' in ways that will affect them in the future.

PLEASE get an STI check and PLEASE do not sleep with him - blunt but true, he could have given you HIV. And that pretty much succinctly confirms what he thinks of you in terms of respect and as a human being. You deserve more.

Sending you strength - I know how very hard it is to leave a marriage but you HAVE TO or you will go insane. And him doing this to someone who has already lost a husband in the WORST of ways somehow makes it even more despicable.

Last word - have you ever reported him to the police at all? As he HAS abused you and he IS intimidating you. Call and ask to speak to the DVU or PPP unit. As they will not only advise you but also have records that will help you.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Driftwood, first of all I am sending you a giant hug, because bloody hell you deserve it ((((((((((((((((((((((driftwood))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I have been divorced for a few years, he was a 'great, lovely guy', who ended up being an emotionally abusive snake who made me mentally ill. Like you, I put up with appalling behaviour after appalling behaviour, always thinking that things would get better, that it wasn't so bad, that he was such a great guy so must be having a breakdown etc etc. Later, I discussed with a mental health professional why on earth I had been willing to accept his endless lies and adultery. He said something very interesting, that a relationship is often an illusion, that I had such a false impression of who my ex-H was, that he could almost commit any sort of abuse, and that I was fiercely holding on to the false illusion, and dismissing reality as if it were unreal. It is this that drove me slowly insane.

You have been through some awful life experiences. You didn't deserve any of them, none of this is your fault. It is great that you are starting to see that you are worthy of more than this, but it is also normal that you keep doubting yourself, feeling fear etc. It is very easy on a forum to say 'Leave the bastard', (and I entirely agree that you should). But for someone who has been abused and ground down by their partner this can be a long process. I really think that as well as seeing a solicitor that you should ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor. I think you need someone to support you through this process. Counselling has made such a huge difference to me, to enable me to see my marriage as it really was, and to enable me to have hope for my future as a single woman.

Being single is nothing to fear, but remaining in this abusive marriage really is. But I totally understand that while you are in it, your marriage feels like the 'safe' place to be. It is not safe though, it is damaging you terribly.

I have waffled on long enough. Please get as much support as you can, womens aid, the GP, counselling, even the samaritans. Talking to these agencies face to face will help you to find yourself, and to find your own voice.

Tbh it doesn't matter at all how you 'have it out' with him, and probably with an emotional abuser it is best not to. Just leave when you are ready, you owe him nothing. But womens aid will be able to give you advice about your exit strategy.

I wish you all the best, you are a good person and deserve so much more from your life.

Thank you semidetached, you put it in a nutshell....trying to maintain normality at home, if I hold back I am holding back on the marriage and an uncaring partner lol just trying to keep things going, but just lunging he days xxx
Thank you

Driftwood, on your other thread there is serious financial abuse.

Also, his family are of the view that all is your fault exen when another woman and debt is involved?? He left after the OW incident and said he would leave his job to try and get more money out of you? He says about your unhappiness that you " wallow in self pity"?

Fuck me, he is a piece of work, isn't he?

He is an entitled and manipulative fuckhead, that is what he is.

And as for his poor me attitude and suicide threats on discovery, don't you know they all do that when the facade crumbles? That sort of man, anyway.

Don't I know it, not sure about financial abuse but he is hopeless with money and took out loans and credit cards against my wishes and behind my back. He has bare faced led to me about many things over a long period of time , which is another issue but again I am the grumpy file if I mention the LANs or debt he builds up, roasts and starts all ove again ... Out of this u feel like a grumpy, miserable cow and can't blame him looking else where, but that's what they make us sift women like lol

Well you don't know what financial abuse is then- look it up elsewhere on MN.

It is definte, if he is taking out loans behind your back. Even more so if you are jointly liable. Triple that if he spends most of it on himself.

If I came into your home and stole your money, made you pay it back, fucked your husband a d told you umpteen lies, would you say I was nice beneath it all if I paid you a few compliments?

If you are unsure of the answer, ask yourself why?

It is not you, it's him. He is a shit.

Am beginning to think you are laughing at all the lovely people on here who have helped and supported you so much.

You say that you have made a sol appointment for next week. Have you really? If so (unlikely) I don't expect you'll keep it.

You have done your sons a massive disservice by ignoring them and instead putting your own considerably-fucked needs first (need to stay with your husband as scary to be on your own, need your husbands money, need to ignore the issues you sadly have but have not sought an iota of help for, need to keep the status quo etc)

I really feel for your poor sons.

But YOU won't need to bother about them anytime soon, because they will be glad to scarper from the toxic, lifeless and miserable environment you have allowed them to be raised in - leaving you only with your husband.

And then you can post on MN again and the scenario will be different but you will still be making molehills out of molehills and further digging molehills, creating small mountains of the horse shit that he feeds you but still be unwilling to move them and dig yourself to freedom.

Driftwood have you registered on Experian for a credit check? It will tell you exactly which loans and debts you have against the address and in your names.

You might want to do this for further proof.

You obviously haven't read my posts properly Amazonian, the views and comments people have shared with me have opened my eyes up ! The reason I have come on here was to break the bad habit I am in and seek advice. Yes my posts seem up and down at times, which u did state, the reason being I wanted to express my thoughts and how they sway , not because I am changing my mind but because I too couldn't understand why my mind would sway.
I am more than grateful for all the advise and comments and I have said so numerous times and will again because other people's thoughts are helping me work through this, which is why I am here, not to wollow in self pity!
As for my children, my personal life with their dad does not affect our home life as you describe, we do have a close loving family and a happy home something I pride myself in because there was no way this toss pot was going to wreck my family........ My lads all love coming home from where they live and uni......... If you think I walk around feeling self pity or walk around being miserable and angry, you are wrong, I keep this to me , all inside which is why I am here Amazonian.
Wally, I don't have any loans or credit cards , just the joint mortgage. My H did a credit check for himself last year because of his loans etc but I did notice my name was in his report a few times..
SORRY. If any body thinks I have offended them as hinted by Amazonian, if I have it's due to not expressing my self properly soooooooo sorry everyone, I wouldn't be dealing with this if it wasn't for ALL of your support and thoughts XXX

Sorry just retread the post I wrote last night with lots of errors by predictive text, the just was my H thinks I am the grumpy one if I mention loans or debts or overdrafts , after I mentioned anything to him I always felt like I was the nagging wife and that I was the problem not him.... And because I feel like the nagging wife I stopped saying anything.
Sorry if the post I wrote last night offended any one, I typed it quickly on my iPad with H next to me, but obviously shielding from him while h watched TV xxx

As for my children, my personal life with their dad does not affect our home life as you describe

Sorry love, if you seriously think that a lad feeling compelled to tell his mum about his stepdad's affair phone hasn't affected him, you're seriously deluded.

Of course your kids have been damaged by this relationship. These are 5 years of their lives that they'll never get back.

What day are you seeing the lawyer?

Hi
I just spoke to my youngest son , he is easy going an unassuming like me, but yes you are partially right . Friday morning is my first appointment with local solicitor x

Oh good Drifteood.

Step in the right direction.

That's good.

Oh love, let's hope he's not like you, or his father figure. Your behaviour hasn't been 'easygoing and unassuming' because those can be positive traits in the right circumstances. In your family situation, those traits have been positively damaging and dangerous in the face of serious threats to the entire family's happiness and wellbeing.

It's the way I was brought up, stiff upper lip and all............. I learnt my bad habits at an early age.... I tried to shelter my kids but obviously I was wrong.
I saw all sorts growing up and learned to put it away, I grew up knowing adults had affairs and worked through it and stayed my married ...... But I have been trying to get out of this, yes I am weak and pathetic in your eyes , bandinage but what I have been doing was for lots of reasons but even I have had enough x

Best of luck you deserve peace and honesty in your life.

I left my exdh for different reasons but later on found out he was also a liar. My instincts had been right.

It's awful but is not your doing. He is wrong. He is the liar. You deserve respect but it won't come from him. He'll play the nice guy because if he showed his true colours all the time you'd have gone ages ago.

You've had amazing support on here. Shame there isn't a mumsnetter near to you? I'd support you in RL if you lived near to me.

You're obviously and amazing mum [busmile]

I was sexually abused as a child from 4 onwards....I didn't realise what was happening til I was 11....by then it had gone on for a while.
When I realised what was happening I pulled away but I knew I couldn't tell anyone , it would ruin my whole family... And that's if they believed me..
I kept it to myself but as I grew up I was approached by a few other members of the family, totally isolated incidences, but I think it made me view men and their actions as nothing.. Even now I little what happened by saying it was only this or that but I know if I knew it happened to anyone I know I would kill them, not literally ...........

I'm so sorry about what happened to you as a child.

Have you had any therapy?

If not, please set aside some money for that. Even to a layperson, it's now obvious why you've dealt with this the way you have.

You need some proper, qualified help love. The sort that's beyond us to give.

Hi
My H and I had an unexpected chat last night and the past was discussed , we both had a few glasses of wine so I didn't tell him that I knew he had joined Married affairs.com last year but I did ask why he joined match.com last year and the year before, which was the discussion ...... His replay was, firstly he carried on denying he had used the accounts, that they were old and he closed them but then he gets all argumentative and the discussion turns to me, that I am holding grudges against him, what has he done since last year, nothing , he says................... I sit there with the wind out of my sails, feeling I don't have an argument and that he is right, I am the problem for not dropping it......but then I think am I losing my marbles because he can minimise everything he does and I feel like a hopeless nag,,,this is where I doubt myself .............but then I think I am no fool, but why can he make me feel so stupid so easily over all this , that I doubt myself? Xx

Why? Because for your whole life you had your self worth ripped away from you, and now you only feel you have any worth if someone ELSE tells you that you have. So everytime your H deflects any criticisms away from himself and redirects them towards you, you immediately feel like that unworthy little girl who was abused, and treated badly.

Your H has no moral compass, what he views as acceptable is VERY unacceptable. Don't ever doubt that, no matter how much he tries to make you.

You need to stop looking to him for your worth - because that is a very faulty mirror. Look inside yourself - you are strong, and resilient. You have brought up 3 wonderful boys. Turn those strengths of yours into a positive instead of a negative. Instead of using your resilience and strength to put up with the crap that your H has dished out at you, use it to get away, and make your own life.

DIYapprentice
You don't know how much I needed for someone to say that too me. I am sitting here realising that my H knows too well how to make me doubt my own mind and worthless and until recently I always fall back to him even after everything he does. I watched him talking last night, dismissing anything I said , making out it was all in the past and that I was a nag holding on to grudges, and I could see for the first time, he knew I would fold and doubt myself, my judgement ,my worth. He knows I have no one to turn to but more he knows he can bluff me as he acts like the victim.
What you say is soooooo very true, thank you so much, that post came at the exact time I realised the same .xxxx

Oh they are very clever, these abusers. They know your weaknesses and exploit them without mercy. Which is why you have no family support, because I'm guessing your family treats you in a similar way.

Your H has managed to cut you off from people in RL, but you always have us here on MN. We're always here as your back up, so there is no need to feel as though you are alone.

I think I cut myself off from my family probably like you said felt worthless growing up and just learnt to look after myself at an early age which meant I probably depend more on a one to one relationship or need that one to one and feel lost without being part of a couple. I guess the best part is I am trying to unravel why I put up with stuff and why I roll over and put up with things instead of dealing with them.
Since posting on mums net about my recent dilemma my eyes have been opened by advice and other experiences and I was relived to see I wasn't going mad to want to stand up to what he he does, past or future. If it wasn't for accidentally finding he had joined MarriedAffairs.com last June( only found out 12 days ago though) I wouldn't be reanalysing everything and looking for a away out....... He made me feel in the past I had no justification to be angry or upset about anything. In the past so this time I wanted advice and retrain my brain to confront him with what I recently found out about him and I wanted to do this before I show him what I know as I am certain he will wriggle out if it. Xx