Caught my husband out he has been seeing someone else.

[Inrealshock]

Name change for me as i am so devastated. Hes on a business trip at the moment but was sent random texts between her and himfor the prior 48 hours which somehow i think maybe because if icloud landed on my ipad including a naked phot of herself which she had sent him. He replied shes a 10/10 and perfect - shes a good 10 years younger than me. They were planning to meet in a restaurant and go on to a hotel room. The last year I have suffered from breast cancer and had various operations and i know that it all strted in December when i was just bck from hospital after my fourth operation. He knows I know and is getting a flight home this morning. I hardly slept last night and am holding it together for the kids. I have though in a fierce rage cut up numerous suits ties and shirts. From the conversations we have had he is blaming the cancer as having affected him. I have done my best to make him happy we do have a sex life but my body and breasts are scarred from all the operations including a mastectomy and reconstruction. I felt i had turned a corner with the cancer which was only diagnosed last July - his fling with her started in December - he assures me it was just kissing but i know they had a hotel room lined up. Sorrybfor the rambling - he gets back at luchtime - what shall i do ?

and what have your friends said? When did you speak to them and did you see them face to face?

Glad you have rl support too.

Yes I have a good friend nearby. She came and supported me the evening I found out. She understands my reasoning on wanting the marriage to work.

It is more based on the fact we have had a pretty good relationship for 12 years or so and I think together we can make it.

It can't ever be the same as it was before. An affair means you start again from scratch. Everything that went before is tainted by the affair. Everything that happens from here on is also affected. The affair will always be there, the 800 lb gorilla in the room. Dealing with it will always be a part of the relationship now

You wake up each day feeling worse because you are absorbing the shock of having a juggernaut driven through your marriage and your life while the person who drove it hovers around bringing you toast as if that meant something deep. That's a lot of unsquareable circle to deal with.

He has known about this from the start and you are just finding out. You need time and space. I second the idea of taking the holiday with the children but leaving him behind.

You don't have to make any decision any time, either soon or later. You don't have to communicate any intention or inclination within any time frame. You don't have to get over this or get through this on anyone's timetable but your own. You have the right to wake up one fine Tuesday morning and say, 'Time to draw a line under it all and move on,' whatever that moving on may comprise. And you have the right to change your mind and heart any time, and especially to seek whatever it is that you need for your own support in your life.

Math anxiety thank you I found your post really helpful

What does your husband do to make the marriage work? Does he want to?
Or is he in love with the OW?

I understand if you love him and want this all to go away, I can't say he deserves you), if you are doing this for continuity for the DCs then the danger is he might yet bring this house of cards crashing down, if he doesn't appreciate that he has to take responsibility and put work into figuring out why he did what he did, how it made you feel and where your marriage is heading. Please don't let him make out this is all about the disease and how threatened he felt, how was any of his affair designed to cherish you and your children? Don't mean to badger you Inrealshock but do vent on here if it helps.

I agree with maths.

Something I found, and have noticed in others on longer term threads, is that at the start all the focus is on the details of the affair itself. You may discuss the reasons, but you aren't thinking so clearly.

As the dust settles, after 2-3 months, and especially if it wasn't satisfactorily bottomed out, many people start to see the connection between the affair and other general patterns in the marriage.

For example, some get to the bottom of old niggles in new ways. Some see a general pattern of selfishness in the unfaithful parties behaviour over the years which they had suppressed or ignored.

Especially if the man promises more changes than he really prepared to make ( or vice versa, if a woman). Many people have real trouble actually understanding what needs to happen and that the change is permanent.

Eg- and I am only conjecturing here- maybe your h has trouble being the person who offers support rather than receives it, in which case he may subconsciously see himself as entitled to what he did. Or perhaps he felt that support is a short term offer, rather than a sustained effort.

No he has been supportive in the past. He is egotistical though and a peacock and a sucker for compliments . He enjoyed her attention and playing the big man. I have seen him in a new and harsher light. As I explained to him re his balding head that he did not have a bloody clue. Some friends of mine had to have chemotherapy ( I did not but still may have to ) they lost all their hair including eyebrows and eyelashes.

Great post Math and One.

Then the cancer is a red herring. She flattered him just when you needed to have your eye off the ball, as he thrives on the attention being on him.

And it was instead on you- how sad for him. Not.

As you know from the Glass book, it isn't anything you did of didn't do, or anything you are or are not.

He was just being shallow.

Yes he definitely was and is shallow. He has admitted it himself and he does seem to be full of remorse. Should we still go on holiday. Part of me wants him to come so he can do any of the donkey work and childcare ! I can always get an extra room in the hotel so he can be in another one with the kids.
I am pretty much on strike at the moment not helping him out but of course looking after the kids when they need me

If you think you can manage I would suggest going by yourself.
The sooner he starts to realise what he may lose the better and a week alone might do that. And a great chance to give you time and space. Is there a crèche to help? Can you plan easy things to make it easier on you?
Eating out etc. anything that takes workload off you.
However can you trust he won't be up to
Old tricks back at home?

Its a hotel abroad with a kids club but part of me also just wants to keep an eye on him.
I am going to think about things and not rush into a decision about our future. I am still thinking that divorce is possible.
I feel a bit calmer and more in control today.

Why do you want to keep an eye on him?

If he wants to cheat again, he will and there is nothing you can do about it. This is what Glass, Pittman and other infidelity experts say - its all about HIM and his issues & flaws...not you.

In fact if he chooses to cheat again, it will speed up the whole decision making process i,e you know that there is no chance of making it work.

Yes you are right of course and i cannot spend time worrying about potential future infidelity

If you feel up to it then go with the DCs, don't see why you should be denied a change of scene and break in routine. As said already if it is a question of out of sight out of mind for H he won't need you to be away on holiday to mess about. As far as the children are concerned he can be disappointed not to come but needs to work.

Btw I am sure you have shielded them from your rage and upset but it is hard keeping up a positive front for them. They may not know what is happening but it is surprising how often they twig enough to keep suggesting family activities and want both parents joining in, "Dad come too", "Mum, be nice to Daddy" etc. Yet another minefield of potential upset thanks to H.

I know the kids sense something and i feel terrible for it. I wish I had a friend I could bring along on holiday in his place

If you can manage it, I think this holiday - without him - would be great for you. Put the kids in the holiday club - they'll love it - and then you can be by yourself for a bit, somewhere beautiful, and be able to process this terrible year you've had.

Have you suggested this might be a possibility to him? If so, how did he react?

At 9 and 7 they may know things are tense but a holiday will be a good distraction for them. i know it doesn't 'fix' everything long term but try not to look too far ahead.

Ok its hard to not look too far ahead. I see so many options ahead. The cancer made me of two minds

1/ I realised / saw how much I loved him and was happy with my choices in life ( I wnet through quite a contemplative stage in August when it looked like the cancer might have spread and I genuinely thought I would not make it to Christmas)

2 / if my lifespan is going to be shorter than i would like ( i live in fear that the cancer will return - the first 2 years after diagnosis / treatment of my kind of cancer is the dangerous zone if you like re it coming back. I am convinced that there is a link between breast cancer and stress so all this drama cannot help me) , do I honestly want to spend what is left of my life with someone like him ?

do I honestly want to spend what is left of my life with someone like him ?

This is something only you can work out the answer to, and it may take time. Wishing you all the best

I wish you could just concentrate on healing your mind and spirit without this extra stress. I'm sorry I don't know what will already have been offered to you as part of your treatment, is it possible to ask your GP about counselling?

Is there a local support group you can go to, I know upthread dramajustfollowsme mentioned Macmillan Cancer Support for example.

It doesn't sound like much of a holiday for you if you're in sole charge of the kids, whereas he'll get a break if you go.

I'd go ahead with the holiday, book that separate room and tell him that you expect him to do the lion's share of the work on the holiday. Take the opportunity to rest up in the sun, read some good books and have all your meals cooked for you. As you're still not ready to live separately from him, I can't see any benefit from an arrangement where he gets to have a child-free break and you lose all your thinking time because you're rushing around being mum and dad rolled into one.

I'm saying all that in the assumption that you personally want to go on this holiday. If you're not bothered, there's always the option that he takes the kids and you get to have a rest at home?