Caught my husband out he has been seeing someone else.

[Inrealshock]

Name change for me as i am so devastated. Hes on a business trip at the moment but was sent random texts between her and himfor the prior 48 hours which somehow i think maybe because if icloud landed on my ipad including a naked phot of herself which she had sent him. He replied shes a 10/10 and perfect - shes a good 10 years younger than me. They were planning to meet in a restaurant and go on to a hotel room. The last year I have suffered from breast cancer and had various operations and i know that it all strted in December when i was just bck from hospital after my fourth operation. He knows I know and is getting a flight home this morning. I hardly slept last night and am holding it together for the kids. I have though in a fierce rage cut up numerous suits ties and shirts. From the conversations we have had he is blaming the cancer as having affected him. I have done my best to make him happy we do have a sex life but my body and breasts are scarred from all the operations including a mastectomy and reconstruction. I felt i had turned a corner with the cancer which was only diagnosed last July - his fling with her started in December - he assures me it was just kissing but i know they had a hotel room lined up. Sorrybfor the rambling - he gets back at luchtime - what shall i do ?

I agree with Mathanxiety's take and she is supporting the OP not blaming her! The op feels apologetic (?) for having inconvenienced her husband by having cancer.

Is he full of remorse, ie sad for himself that he got caught? Or full of remorse regards to how he has hurt you ?

Take your time OP this is your life and we are here for you and can only offer support and advice. It has been a shock and if you feel numb for now that is quite understandable. The only thing I'd say is you do have options.

I'm wondering how your DH is making it up to you. From what you've posted here I would agree with Thisisaeuphemism upthread that he is sorry his behaviour since your discovery does not indicate remorse or a desire to change his character. His response has been cowardly, disrespectful of you and unrepentant. Actions speak louder than words and his actions seem to indicate that he thinks he's got away with this and he can carry on how he likes (after a brief period of being more attentive, and magnanimous gestures such as giving you the last piece of toast and throwing a few soothing words your way amidst all his justifications, excuses, rationalisations...) It makes me so :( for you. You deserve better. Much better.

Don't know why there's a random 'he is sorry' in that post. Should have proof read!

He is full of remorse because he got caught and you have discovered what a weak pathetic selfish man you have married.
He only stopped because you found out and god knows how long this would have gone on for if he hadn't been found out.
OP can l ask are you still with him because you are scared of being on your own and feel that no one will want you scars and all?

Honestly you deserve so much better than this twunt

I should think right now he is only remorseful about getting caught. Far too soon for genuine remorse because if you hadn't found out, the affair would have still carried on under the guise of a business trip.

OP, you know your husband better than anyone. but take care. the Mners are giving good advice. stay strong love. do what you think is right. positive vibes are coming from me to you and i don't even know you! so. be good, be healthy. x

Have just read this whole sorry thread :(

Your H needs shooting. His lack of care and concern for you is shocking

There is love and there is being a doormat.

InRealShock -- there can be no real love without respect and you need to make him see that he needs to develop respect for you. That can't be done by unconditionally loving him right now. He will misinterpret your gesture and hurt you again. He has already demonstrated himself to be 100% selfish and devious, and this will happen again unless you are prepared to make him respect you.

Your love is not enough for him. It needs both of you to be committed to the relationship.

To work it out together, he needs to be doing ALL the hard work required.

I am afraid you are in for even more pain and distress if you continue to cling to him.

OP just read the thread and wanted to say how sorry I am. It is still very early days and you don't need to make any decisions now.

Of course you don't want to throw your marriage away without working at it but please don't let him undermine your self-esteem and recovery by allowing you to think his response is in any way a justifiable I the context of your illness. He could have lost you, and yet rather than cherish every minute with love and respect and give you the unconditional support he promised on your wedding day he sought out cheap thrills elsewhere. I know a future without him is terrifying but he has an enormous amount to prove if he can ever be worthy of your future too. You need to be able to know that what life throws at you in future you are on the same team come what may.

Yes I know he does seem to be full of remorse though - me wanting to stay with him has nothing to do with fear of being on my own because I just don't have that fear. It is more based on the fact we have had a pretty good relationship for 12 years or so and I think together we can make it.

I know you said you were due to go on holiday together this Easter. He will still be 40 and losing his hair when you get home. A mid-life crisis is something he can indulge himself when you are well again and by that I don't mean fawning over some OW. I hope to God he has a long hard think about where your marriage is headed. Don't wear yourself out puzzling over what went wrong, life is gruelling enough at present. He has to make a supreme effort now more than just toast for breakfast.

Even if u plan to forgive him. leave him wondering for a while. at the moment he must be thinking "well, that wasnt too bad" . so even if u belueve it is worth saving, let him experience uncertainty and fear for a while. otherwise the message u HAVE just sent him is that cheating is not a dealbreaker. u need to make him realuse that it is.

Which part of "I needed something for me" is remorseful?

You may have had a pretty good relationship for 12 years, but when the chips were really down, when you really needed him, his priority was indulging himself at your expense.

Now you know for sure that you can't rely on him to be there for you.

If that's all you want from a marriage now, then that's up to you.

But it seems to me that you are selling yourself way short by staying with a man who would still be shagging his mistress with the perfect body if you hadn't caught him.

God I feel in such doubt now

Your health is paramount your self-esteem too but for now, did he go to an STI clinic today as planned? Are you getting yourself checked over?

He is in London now getting a full set of tests at an STI clinic - the results come back tomorrow and the next day - sorry to be ignorant but if they are clear will I still need to be tested ?

he does seem to be full of remorse

Two things:

Its not what he says, its what he does that matters - ignore any apparent changes of heart he tells you about (anyone can say what they think someone wants to hear), and look at his behaviour over several months.

Also read this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

I don't doubt you've had a great relationship and actually I think you could have again, if he did the work, - but not at the moment - I mean basically he's got away with it, you've forgiven him, you'll even work harder on the relationship with him! ie counselling. But why wouldn't he do it again? - he clearly enjoyed it enough to do it for four months at your most vulnerable - seriously how can you trust him now?

I don't know tbh but I'd want to see something in writing, can you trust what he tells you? Think personally for my own peace of mind I would go ahead and get checked.

Is he still asking you to keep his shagging a secret?

If so, then that's what the remorse is about.

He wants to keep his reputation as the big man who supported his wife through cancer.

And he wants to keep it, even at the expense if denying you support after he cheated on you in the cruellest way.

Kind of like how he wanted to have bareback sex with his "perfect body" girlfriend at the possible expense of your life had you contracted an STI from him, from the sex he was putting you under pressure to have while you were undergoing cancer treatment and he was shagging around.