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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

746 replies

JoySchtick · 20/03/2013 23:41

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 26/03/2013 11:30

If he is doing this so early in yourt marriage, it reallt does not bode well

Sounds like a serial philanderer, who does it purely for the kickz

You should still be in the "honeymoon period"

Not living like this...it is horrendous

BOEUF · 26/03/2013 12:02

Just pack your stuff and get out. Why delay it? You'll never get him out of his own gaffe after just two years of marriage, even if you've financially contributed.

AgathaF · 26/03/2013 12:39

I think you need legal advice ASAP. Also, can you take copies of any relevant documents - mortgage, bank statements, pensions, shares etc? It may be that after 2 years of marriage, your legal position is simply that you leave with nothing, however, you should get your position clarified properly.

Lots of solicitors give a free half hour - can you phone around to find the earliest appointment. You don't have to stay with the solicitor if you don't like them, but just go for the initial advice.

something2say · 26/03/2013 13:18

Community Legal Advice Helpline 0845 345 4345 Chargeable service but you could get a legal position today...

So very sorry to hear the way it went. Can't stand the thought that you didn't like what he said, went to get away and he got hold of you bodily and dragged you back and then started asking for the keys so that you couldn't get away in HIS car..........major control issues, he's just got to have it his way.

I'd get that legal advice, nove immediately into the spare room and get a lock fixed on the door. Go away every weekend, and buy your own old banger so you have a car of your own.

Meanwhile massive hugs from a stranger. xxx Fucking nob. (

Original poster
JoySchtick · 26/03/2013 13:56

Thank you for all this info.

I do not want to find myself suddenly temporarily homeless.

I hope to tough it out here for now.

I could get back into my flat in the longer term.

Our financial assets are separate and I have no interest in gaining any assets from DH should our marriage breakdown.

OP posts:
BOEUF · 26/03/2013 14:05

Should your marriage break down? It's not really looking like Shangri-la, is it? If he can't be remotely honest, there's no way to move forward, is there?

something2say · 26/03/2013 14:05

You are married, therefore you have the right to reside. Claiming assets tho, may be a different matter, given the length of the marriage, but you are not looking to do that as you say, so I would venture that you are not homeless for now. I hesitate to use the word 'safe'.

Has he been in touch today?

How are you in yourself?

Original poster
JoySchtick · 26/03/2013 14:54

Thanks something.

No, he has not been in touch today.

I'm ok in myself. Bit down. I want to let things cam down a little bit as I find it very stressful to be on the other end of him trying to blame me for his behaviour and for problems in our marriage.

Almost anything I say he will find a way to question and turn back at me. I do not respond but I find it a real strain and it makes me sort of shut off.

I'm inclined to agree with those who say it would be unusual for him to just put his hands up and admit it straight off.

I'm going to ride it out for a bit. I will also look into practicalities

I've got to go out somewhere just now so I will be back online later.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoySchtick · 26/03/2013 14:55

Calm down.

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 26/03/2013 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadAboutHotChoc · 26/03/2013 15:21

While you are sorting out the practicalities, I hope you have stopped doing his chores - shopping, cooking, washing etc.

This man is expecting you to continue to be his domestic servant while cheating on you.

something2say · 26/03/2013 17:02

Yes Dr Something prescribes dinners with friends, long phonecalls, long baths, lying in bed thinking and writing in journals x So sorry x been there myself, the demise of a relationship is such a shock. Can you afford to pay for any counselling?

EggyFucker · 26/03/2013 17:08

and Aunty Fucker recommends treating yourself much, much better than he is doing (which wouldn't be difficult..)

Xales · 26/03/2013 17:35

Please don't ride it out for a bit and then let it slide into forgetfulness. Otherwise you will find yourself back on here when he actually does the deed Sad

onefewernow · 26/03/2013 17:44

And I prescribe separate beds and no responding to friendly conversation about unrelated matters. It' just erodes the sense of urgency and resolves, and tests your resolve. As they well know.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 26/03/2013 17:52

Just delurking to also say you really need legal advice from now on.

anyone who can be this wankery about what's happened can certainly try to turn nasty from now on.

Keep strong, you are doing amazingly xx

Original poster
JoySchtick · 26/03/2013 22:02

Thank you for some lovely comments.

I have been self-medicating and prescribed myself a hot chocolate, a chocolate and pistachio muffin and a nice bit of eavesdropping on cafe conversation; apparently St George's is a very cyclical church.

MadAboutHotChoc your comment about chores made smile. That is one area where I don't have any ishoos at all. DH does loads.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoySchtick · 27/03/2013 07:54

I?m contacting OW later ? by phone or post - and telling her she needs to tell her DH asap.

OP posts:
HavingAnOffDAy · 27/03/2013 08:42

Good to hear that you are self medicating!

I would really caution against getting in contact with the OW. Her marriage is her business - make your marriage yours and do what you need to do to either fix it or get out.

I'm not saying this flippantly, and in your shoes I'd be raging, but you have no idea what state her marriage is in, or what her relationship is like with her DH. If she has DC's you will be potentially be heaping a whole load of misery on them too.

I know that she has effectively invited that herself, but if all you are trying to gain is your DH telling the truth, why do that by telling OW's DH? Your DH could still continue lying.

AgathaF · 27/03/2013 09:08

I think I would contact her too, in your shoes. Blow the pair of them out of the water. I know that is not the usual thing people advise, but I would so hate to be the last to know if it was my husband/wife/partner.

Doha · 27/03/2013 12:25

If l was the OW's DH l would want to know

something2say · 27/03/2013 13:46

Hello. I'll just be here to see what you decide to do in the end, and how it then goes. xx

NandH · 27/03/2013 14:32

I'd also want to know if I were the ow dh...

your handling this very well!! Thanks

LondonNinja · 27/03/2013 14:54

Been wondering how you are. Sorry to read it's panning out the way it is...

You're doing really bloody well; you sound fabulous.