My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

[JoySchtick]

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

Hi Joy. Well, did you tell the OW or her DH?

I would like to say that if you have chosen to do this, then fair enough. I disagree with the poster who said that if you do this you would be potentially heaping a whole load of misery on her children. It is she herself who will have done this, she and her behaviour with your H. You are not responsible for her marriage or her children. Her actions and those of your H will have caused this misery.

Hello.

Just back from working.

I spoke to her. It was definitely the right thing to do. For me, I mean.

I said that she must know why I was calling. That she needed to tell her poor DH and the sooner the better.

She said yes and nothing else. She didn't seem thrown, not sure if she was expecting my call or if perhaps her DCs were around.

The first time I tried her number it was engaged, so I assume I wasn't the first wronged wife she had spoken to today. That's probably why she seemed to know the drill so well.

It was a very hard thing to do.

I hate him.

Your H has been onto her and warned her so it is not a surprise to her in the slightest. Your H has told her that you have some insignificant information and that the pair of them can brazen it out as a 'joke'. So that is what she will do 'this daft bat has contacted me over these silly messages haha can you believe she is upset over something so pathetic. As if I would ever do more...'

She will now contact your H I think and you will be able to tell an awful lot about how he responds over the next few days.

Well done.

Mmm, yes. I do think she will probably let my H know.

What kind of thing will I be able to tell, Xales?

I really don't know what his reaction will be. It could be horrendous and that is why I was so worried about my rights ref him kicking me out of the house. Or he might think that's it now and it will all blow over.

Either way, he's a kn*b.

Well you know he is a knob.

If it kicks off and he has a go at you for contacting her and putting her bang to rights he is telling you that protecting her (and himself) is way more important than you and your marriage.

If he goes quiet and refuses to interact with you he is punishing you for daring to step out of line and not just give this up like a good poppet (with a pat on the head).

If he finally realises you are serious he might come clean and you can sort this out. Don't hold your breath for this though please.

He is a shit and you deserve better any way.

Just remember you have done nothing wrong and are not at fault.

Hmm, I see. Thank you for that explanation.

I am not expecting him to come clean, so only hoping a tiny, tiny bit that it will be this reaction.

My guess would be that he will hope to brazen it out and get things back to (unacceptable) normal.

A little bit of me will laugh if he tries to have a go at me for contacting OW behind his back, imagine the irony of that.

Indeed, that would be most ironic, joy

You have the moral high ground, love

De-lurking to say you are coping admirably and please seek legal advice. He will bluster and re-write history, call you unstable and profess innocence until you begin to doubt yourself. (He gave you pens, interesting symbolism if one believes that kind of thing).

Someone upthread suggested he may have something like a second phone in his car. Or he may be unconsciously laying claim to assets now because he knows he is on very thin ice.

Does he know you come on MN?

Thanks, EF. I've actually spent so much time on the moral high ground in recent years it has become my new normal.

Pens, pens? What is the symbolism of pens? Donkeys please?

I checked the pens. One is a fountain pen, I haven't used one of these since I was about nine and even then it was a disaster. The other gift is actually a pen holder rather than a pen.

I came home tonight to find something else added to the pile, a small box of matching ink pellet things which you put in fountain pens (don't know what they are called). I've got quite a little heap on my dressing table now.

Joy, it's bizarre

this pen thing

wtf does he thing that is going to mollify you ?

lol you are not left handed are you? I find fountain pens a nightmare!

I did go and check the car, although not to MI6 standards.

I had already spotted golf clubs in the boot. H does not play golf, or even like it as far as I understand. On the stupid FB chat his gambit for meeting up was something like:

"We should meet for golf... or just meet...."

Ooh, just look at that sexy and suggestive line of dots....

Anyway the golf clubs are H's, which he had from when he tried to like golf, he gave them to his DS but has evidently now retrieved them. I assume that OW likes golf.

My gut instinct is that the car keys obsession is just about control and "it's my car not yours Joy".

You get pens off Michael Parkinson if you apply for funeral coverage

at boeuf

it really is laughable, if it wasn't so fucking sad

My gut instinct is that the car keys obsession is just about control and "it's my car not yours Joy".

Spot on.

Well done for contacting the OW - very brave of you! I'm glad it was a positive thing for you.

Scarlet I agree, and think I said in my post that the OW has brought misery etc on herself, but I as you rightly said her marriage is her business, and I couldn't see how Joy talking to her DH would get Joys DH to start being honest.

Good luck with whatever happens next Joy, I can't believe how he's brazening this out!

EF - I have no idea. [mystified shrug face]

I don't think H knows that I come on MN, can't be sure though.

I first clocked OW as a repeating presence on H's browsing history (ie when I checked the computer but before I hacked his Facebook and saw the messages ). I checked out her FB page, as you do, and I thought she looked like a laugh and that she looked like she might be an MNer.

She could be one of us...

Nahhhh! We're way more classy!

Er, thanks, boeuf. I'll definitely bear that in mind.

Contacting the OW was positive for me because I felt that I was standing up for myself. I was saying - to the pair of them - I am here and this is what is and is not acceptable to me.

Even if as they continue to disrespect me I have made my presence felt and that makes me feel stronger in myself.

I didn't imagine that contacting the OW would make my H confess.

It was more about saying 'I'm here and even if you don't give a damn about me, I do give a damn about myself. I won't be played for a fool.

Had you told your H you had her phone number? If he thought you just had some email evidence that may shock him into realizing you know a lot more than you have let on.

Good for you, I hope she's sh*tting herself about your next move now.

You knowing & having that over her may keep her guessing & looking over her shoulder for a long time.

Now to think of revenge that you can get way down the line that's untraceable to you

It seems a bit controversial to contact the OW.

After I'd done it I thought this:

--Being straightforward and dignified was undoubtedly and definitely the right way to do it.
--If I had wanted to somehow get even or hurt her with insults it would have been a waste of time and left me feeling like a powerless fool - and probably even more hurt and angry.
--My first duty is to look after myself and, if I want to, my marriage.

Right - H just left message on my mobile asking me to call him as 'this' is very, very serious.

Landline rang. Mobile rang.

He's doing pissed off response.

Bit scared.

Can I ask, how is your marriage? I'm not being mean, and i know everyone is telling you to get rid. But do you think it's simple, if not prolonged flirtation? And maybe a bit of a thrill in seeing if she would meet up? As far as you know they haven't, maybe if it came down to it he would back off?

You know him, your married.. Does he have it in him? Messages are one thing, following through to completion is a very different situation.

If my H was doing that, I'd give him the benefit if doubt, and like you I'd be in stealth mode and gather my evidence.

If in your position I would be very calm, explain my conversation with OW (if she hasn't already told him) and let him explain. If your relationship was good before this, then this could be a blip ( not a nice one). Or if its bad, he could be looking for a way out, so sorry but that could be an explanation.

Have an honest conversation, your relationship can be restored, but only if you both want it.

My heart goes out to you, hope the outcome is good for you.

Are you ignoring ?

Good for you.