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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

746 replies

JoySchtick · 20/03/2013 23:41

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

OP posts:
onefewernow · 26/03/2013 09:09

Sorry to keep posting, like a nut job! It's just that I think I have alot of experience in this, having tried to get the truth for five and a half years, albeit with less evidence than you have.

I wanted to add that the other reason underneath his reluctance to tell is possibly pure arrogance and entitlement, fundamentally he thinks he is cleverer than you.

Absolutely nobody would have pinned my h to what he was up to- but he thought he was smarter than me in diverting, minimising, turning the tables on me, changing the subject, charming me, you name it, anything not to have to admit.

Hopefully you won't have this. Please don't doubt yourself. You know what you saw and you can't unknow it.

Original poster
JoySchtick · 26/03/2013 09:10

Thanks, Onefewer. I will look up what you suggest.

OP posts:
sweetiepie1979 · 26/03/2013 09:10

Agathaf is spot on!

Original poster
JoySchtick · 26/03/2013 09:11

x-post. I don't think you are a nutjob Onefewer!

Thank you for sharing your experience in this.

OP posts:
onefewernow · 26/03/2013 09:14

Cross posted.

I agree with you. Most people say chuck him out, but I moved into the spare room and consulted a solicitor . We hardly spoke for 6 weeks.

He caved when he finally realised I was stronger than him this time.

By the way, I owned the house when we married but solicitor said that since some years had passed, that was largely historical and that courts wouldn't take it into account.

EggyFucker · 26/03/2013 09:15

You could threaten to break the deadlock by telling ow's h,, show him the messages unless your h comes clean

LibertineLover · 26/03/2013 09:26

I'm another one who thinks'well, if there's nothing to worry about, and it's a just a bit of a laugh, i'll email these 'conversations' to OWs DH and see what he says'??

he needs to be truthful, and work out why he's making plans to have an affair.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this joy here's hoping he grows some morality Thanks

AgathaF · 26/03/2013 09:40

I'm so sorry it went badly. He is still in denial.

I agree with the other posters who have said threaten to email the OW's H for his take on it. However, I'm not sure what that would solve for you. It could blow it all open and get your H talking to you, it could make the situation a whole lot worse.

onefewernow · 26/03/2013 09:43

You are quite possibly used to him having more if his own way or being stronger and wearing you down. If you are not used to lying yourself, it is really hard to hold out, whilst in the same house and still speaking.

Just try. You can do it.

Also- the car? That us either about control, or he has something in it he doesn't want you to see.

HavingAnOffDAy · 26/03/2013 09:52

So sorry it didn't go how you had hoped Joy.

Whatever you decide to do next stay as strong as you have been this far & I don't think you'll go far wrong.

I know it must be so, so hard for you to know that he is outright lying to your face.

A friend did something similar to his wife & continued with the 'deny, deny, deny' thing until she stopped asking.

He is no longer a friend but I often wonder how things are between them now as she had evidence similar to yours & I can't see how she could have ever believed him.

ProphetOfDoom · 26/03/2013 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom · 26/03/2013 09:55

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
JoySchtick · 26/03/2013 10:06

And when he went to work this morning he was wearing a particularly flattering shirt / tie combination and looking dead attractive.

Bs**d.

OP posts:
Distrustinggirlnow · 26/03/2013 10:08

Another nut job here lol

But seriously, sorry that you're disappointed how it went, but to be honest, IME and from what I've read on here, they very rarely if ever hold there hands up straight away and say yes, you're absolutely right, I've been giving an ow loads of attention and sex and I now realise that's its very wrong and I will stop it straight away. Please forgive me and you all live happily ever after...

No, I've never seen that happen.

Somewhere unthread someone mention that his anger is fear and I'm inclined to agree with this.

If he thinks its all a bit of a laugh, ask him why you were excluded from that particular bit of fun. Why did it have to be a secret?

Oh because you wouldn't have liked it. Funny that......

You may have to have more of these conversations if you want him to come clean and admit an EA or whatever.

From reading what you've said, its almost like its not what he's actually done, but the way he is dealing with this that is causing you more heartache.

I also like another posters comment of showing the ow DH the screen shots, see if they get the joke Blush I don't know if I would actually do this, but I would probably threaten it.

When I suspected my DH of being economical with the truth one of my comments was, well shall we ring her then, see what she says, and that would make him sit up because he knew that I would!

Once my DH knew I'd seen secret email accounts he didn't try and deny any more. He did delete, but not all of it went and I recovered some of it. What he was economical with was the extent of it. Whether he'd met someone once or perhaps twice for example. Which in the mix of things may not be important but to me it was.

Can u see if he's messaged her again recently..? This doesn't necessarily need to be the end you know, but to move forward he must be truthful and not minimise how hurt you are by all this.

Sorry if I've rambled on Smile
Keep getting interrupted!

Distrustinggirlnow · 26/03/2013 10:13

Sorry, their not there!

Red flag in dressing smartly for work!

I'm also liking what Mathilda says...

ProphetOfDoom · 26/03/2013 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProphetOfDoom · 26/03/2013 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JoySchtick · 26/03/2013 10:23

From reading what you've said, its almost like its not what he's actually done, but the way he is dealing with this that is causing you more heartache.

^^ That's the one.

If he lies to me - not just about this but about who knows what - then our conversations will have nowhere to go but round in circles.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoySchtick · 26/03/2013 10:34

We have been married two years. Lived together just under two years - I moved into his house.

I contribute to household bills - I pay around one third of monthly outgoings minus mortgage costs.

I pay the mortgage on my own property.

His income is more than four times mine so that arrangement seemed about right to me.

OP posts:
onefewernow · 26/03/2013 11:05

Everyone is more concerned about the lies. Because they display an underlying attitude. There are usually more lies too.

Be careful he doesn't just think he can wear you down by not admiring for days on end. That happened to me.

Original poster
JoySchtick · 26/03/2013 11:18

On a practical level what I want to know is this...if he says 'Joy this is my house get out' where do I stand?

OP posts:
Ahhhcrap · 26/03/2013 11:23

I agree, I always maintained that it wasn't what my dh did, it was the lied and deceitful behaviour that caused me the most pain.

I'm not saying you should do this, but if he is minimising this, would he be happy with the ow's dh seeing the screen shoit?? If he's saying 'its nothing' then you could tell him you're going to share it with them too. Be interesting to see if he tries to minimise it then.

Another nut job here too..

Ahhhcrap · 26/03/2013 11:23

I'm no expert but I think because you are married he can't simply kick you out

QuintEggSensuality · 26/03/2013 11:24

I think you need to speak to a solicitor.

I also think you need to show the printouts to the OWs husband. For all you know the FB conversations were just the tip of the iceberg.

EggyFucker · 26/03/2013 11:28

He cannot just kick you out...you are married and cannot be forced to leave where you reside even if he "owned" the house before you came on the scene

Take some legal advice

Do you have tenants in your own property ?

Consider giving them notice now, so you can move back into there

You are not trapped with this man

get some professional help with this