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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

746 replies

JoySchtick · 20/03/2013 23:41

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

OP posts:
HavingAnOffDAy · 25/03/2013 15:31

*up to now

SerotoninCanEatTomorrow · 25/03/2013 15:33

Delueking to offer a virtual hand hold and solidarity. You are truly an amazing woman x

Xales · 25/03/2013 15:45

Your H is a role model for a good defense is the best offense. Sorry Sad He is turning this on you.

He 'threatens' you with the police as you went away unplanned and took the car. That was a threat. Not to actually call the police but to get you back in your place.

You owe him the small consideration of telling him where you are. You owe him fuck all consideration.

You need to 'tell' him why you are upset because disappearing doesn't help. He knows full well why you are upset as you mentioned the fucking reasons name.

He has zero intention of being honest with you.

Do you still think you can forgive all this if you have to drag every inch of information out of him? It has been 5 days that he has known he has been rumbled already.

I think my reply would be I am forwarding my information onto OWs H whether you intend to or not. That may get a response as you are 'threatening' her if you see what I mean?

Original poster
JoySchtick · 25/03/2013 17:05

-- Neglected to answer the age difference question before now.

There are seven years between us. He has more years. I have more maturity.

-- I have seen with my own eyes that he was exchanging sexually explicit messages with XX. They knew it was wrong and plotted to conceal it.

When I asked him who XX was and what was going on with her I hoped that he would be honest. Instead he went into over-denial mode - and gave me pens.

I have given him a chance to be truthful and now I want to confront him with the hard evidence.

Yes, the more that he lies and denies the deeper the hole he digs, the more he damns himself in my eyes.

I want to give him the chance to start to talk about this and sort it out, but if he won't admit to anything there is nothing I can do and I will ultimately have to end the relationship.

As there was such consensus from so many wise ones over not emailing him I won't do it. I will write down what I want to say and be ready to give it to him if I don't manage to say what I want to say.

OP posts:
something2say · 25/03/2013 17:18

Good luck xx. Keep strong. I agree with the others. He has had every opportunity to tell you what's been going on. I think he wants to do damage limitation.

But you deserve the right to have your say. I will be thinking of you, what time is kick off? X

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 25/03/2013 18:10

I think my reply would be I am forwarding my information onto OWs H

Yes, and adding 'He has a right to know you have been advising his wife how to cover her tracks'

This is what I would send to him. You don't actually need to do it, but it would put the wind up your H if he thought you might do it.

Distrustinggirlnow · 25/03/2013 18:15

Hello joy, just wanted to say that I've been thinking of you...

I don't think you ought to give him the heads up by emailing him. You can write it down if you want to tho so you don't get distracted by him trying to deflect you.

Remember, ask a question then be quiet. The silence may drag on but do not be tempted to fill it other than to repeat the question.

You could start off by saying that you have some questions for him, and it is of the upmost importance that he answers truthfully.

Say to him that you will 'know' if he is lying.

Be careful not to lead with the questions. And make sure they're open ones that don't require yes or no answers....

I'm sure in day to day life you know all this and I'm not trying to teach you to suck eggs, but I've been where you are now and sometimes its reassuring to know you're taking the right approach.

I hope you get the response and outcome you want.

ThanksThanks

Bogeyface · 25/03/2013 18:37

I agree with Distrusting that asking the question and not saying anything else is a good way to go. I got alot of "What do you want me to say?" and I said "The truth" and when he lied (I had a bomb in my pocket in the form of his secret phone) and could look him in the eye and say "Dont lie to me. I know you are lying. Tell me the truth" and eventually (dear God it took forever) I got the truth that I already knew.

MadAboutHotChoc · 25/03/2013 18:50

Bogeyface - that's the approach I used, after 10 mins of blustering and denial, I got the whole truth out of him.

Original poster
JoySchtick · 25/03/2013 19:24

All very helpful. thank you.

OP posts:
onefewernow · 25/03/2013 19:24

I didn't.

It took two weeks of arguing and four weeks of counselling before he would stop denying it, even though I had moved rooms and consulted a solicitor .

Some are more sure of themselves than others.

AThingInYourLife · 25/03/2013 19:27

Good luck, JoySchtick, he doesn't deserve you.

Ahhhcrap · 25/03/2013 19:52

I hope it works out ok for you Joy. Many people have come back from these types of things to have stronger relationships. Only you will know if you're going to give him the chance to do that with you Grin good luck

SweetSeraphim · 25/03/2013 20:19

Hope everything goes ok tonight Joy Thanks

SerotoninCanEatTomorrow · 26/03/2013 07:39

Thinking of you today Joy, hope all went well xx

Distrustinggirlnow · 26/03/2013 07:45

Bringing you a Brew and hoping you're ok x

HavingAnOffDAy · 26/03/2013 08:30

Hope everything went as you wanted it to last night Joy

Original poster
JoySchtick · 26/03/2013 08:49

It went really badly.

He denied there was anything. Kept trying to turn it all back on me / our marriage. I just kept repeating that we were not talking about that but about him and XX.

I showed him part of the evidence I have - the part where they discuss how to cover their tracks and make reference to 'sexy' things.

He claimed it was all a joke, tried to make out I was being ridiculous.

I went to our bedroom to end the conversation. He followed - i tried to close the door and he stopped me by standing in the doorway. "Blah, blah, blah... it's all your fault Joy. Why won't you discuss things properly."

I told him that as I know that he has lied to me what he says is now debased and we can't really discuss anything because I don't know if what he says is real or not.

Him - blah, blah, blah. I shouted at him he had been lying and that what he had done was truly horrible.

I figured he wasn't going to leave me alone so I got my coat and bag to go for a walk round the block.

He grabbed my bag, which was over my shoulder, and the strap broke. He grabbed at my coat collar, still shouting for the car keys.

Those f@*ing car keys are like some kind of other woman.

Flowers Flowers Flowers all round.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 26/03/2013 08:57

Sorry it didn't go well.

What will you do now?

Xales · 26/03/2013 08:58

So sorry. He doesn't admit he has done anything wrong as far as he is concerned.

Shocked that he has moved to starting to physically handle you. That is also completely unacceptable.

/hugs

onefewernow · 26/03/2013 08:59

I'm so sorry Joy.

His anger is really fear. I think they partly lie because of the kind of personality they have- remember not every man cheats or attempts to. They also want to make you doubt yourself. And the biggest reason- they are often lying to themselves, as they don't want to believe it of themselves. But he is gets away with this minimisation, it will get worse.

Try looking up psychological manipulation on wiki- I found this much later on. There is a list of tactics they use and types of people susceptible to it. You may ins it useful to have that in your head when you have the next conversation . I think you may be surprised how much of it he uses, even if you d

onefewernow · 26/03/2013 09:00

Even if you don't immediately recognise it.

Original poster
JoySchtick · 26/03/2013 09:03

I don't know what I will do. His behaviour completely unacceptable.

He won't admit he has done anything wrong or take any responsibility. Ultimately I will have to end the relationship.

I will do practical things like find out the situation ref my right not to be thrown out of the house we live in, which is his property.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoySchtick · 26/03/2013 09:05

I want to try to make myself feel as secure as possible in a situation where I don't feel I have much control.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoySchtick · 26/03/2013 09:09

He didn't give me any pens this time but he left £60 this morning to fix my bag.

The first thing he said to me after things calmed down was, 'I'm sorry about your bag. Can it be fixed?'

And later on I thought -hmm, can it be fixed - are you really asking if our relationship can be fixed.

I don't know that it can. Not by me anyway.

OP posts: