My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

[JoySchtick]

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

[JoySchtick]

And I am quite that he is trying to somehow take the moral high ground by talking about 'small courtesies'.

What I really wanted to text back was: Could you please pay me the small courtesy of not swapping sexual fantasies with another woman.

[PureQuintessence]

"Could you please pay me the small courtesy of not swapping sexual fantasies with another woman."

That is exactly what you should do....

[something2say]

When are you going to have it out with him?

[JoySchtick]

Pure the only reason I didn't is that I want to see the whites of his eyes when he knows for sure that he has been cornered. I want to see his immediate reaction for myself.

something I think you are right, he does sound scared, angry and defensive. Quite why he feels angry I don't understand, unless it is anger to cover up fear.

[JoySchtick]

Tomorrow night after work.

I'm dreading it.

[TweedSlacks]

So he gives you 2 nice pens (mont blanc?) as a delayed anniversary gift , knowing its a family tradition to pass them on to his kids when they are 18 in a few months? So you are just looking after them for a few weeks hhhhhmmm.

He sets up all your passwords and he knows everyone elses , but no - one knows his hhhhmmmmm

He is more worried about a car than he is about you and the fact you felt you had to leave home .. hhhmmmmmm

If you feel strong enough to return you could try a simple " Whats her name?" question to everything he says. Eventually he will give up and admit something . Then you will most likely get 'but nothing actually happened'

If you feel you can accept this and move forward then you need to re build the trust , and have a sort out on things like passwords , locked mobiles etc

Best of luck , although he sounds like a tosser to me , sorry.

[JoySchtick]

He is acting like a tosser, no two ways about it,

I don't think he is actually more worried about the car than about me.

I think he is way too scared to say, 'Aagh, I've f*ed up and I'm terrified. Please come back and let's make it right.' Whereas in fact that is about the only thing he can say that could help him.

I may be overly optimistic about how much he cares for me though.

[Snazzynewyear]

'small courtesy of telling me where you are' = 'I am used to knowing everything you do while hiding stuff I do, so don't change that and shift the power balance between us'

[Sailormercury]

He's angry because he's been rumbled. IMO when someone has done something shitty they often feel angry towards the injured party. He's looking for ways he can make it your fault even though he knows he is solely to blame IFYSWIM?

[DorisIsWaiting]

It's seems like he's deflecting.

He's seen your message but doesn't know WHAT you know (this could be sadly the tip of an iceberg- sorry). He is not discussing it because he's not sure what he's supposed to be discussing. If he says anything it could further incriminate him with stuff you DIDN'T know iyswim.

[Ahhhcrap]

He's doing the typical 'I won't admit to anything, until I know how much you know' routine.

I'll always remember the look on my dh's face when, after hours of talking, he finally realised I already knew everything!!! Priceless!!

[onefewernow]

Snazzy! Brilliant- and so true.

OP I think it might be good to let him know you have evidence and want the whole story now, or he's out. Without saying what you know.

When my h was in this position I always fucked it up by telling him what small evidence I had and he always explained it away. And he got angry when I got too near the truth when I put a thread on mn and everyone assured me his computer technical explanation for what I was finding was utter bollocks, he was livid. I kept fining photos of women in "received files" and he even at that point created a false file which he named received files., in order to throw me off track.

He always managed to draw out of me what I had found, even when I was trying to avoid saying. If he is planning on lying, be prepared for hard work to get at the truth.

[LondonNinja]

Just remember - it's not you who should be worrying yourself. Let him sweat, talk, speak, make excuses. You don't have to explain anything.

And, yes, he is a tosser.

[JoySchtick]

DH texted me this morning and I told him I was at work and could he leave me alone as I was upset.
He texted back: You need to tell me why. Disappearing doesn?t help.
So patronising.

[something2say]

OK it seems that your plan of going off and hoping that he will then realise that you know and admit to what he has done - may not be working.

It seems that he is not planning to admit it, he seems to want to know what you know. It seems that he is gagging to know how much you know and blaming you for disappearing, such that his angst is then prolongued.

What's your gut, Joy?

Are you still going home tonight to have it out?

[NishiNoUsagi]

Oh Joyschtick he really is an utter knob isn't he

I would just subtly reply to his texts with some key phrases from the conversations you saw on his fb, and see if he gets the hint. Then I would throw him out on his arse, but that's easy for me to say when it's not my relationship, isn't it.

Hope you are ok, you sound like a lovely lady!

[JoySchtick]

Maybe he's a visual & kinesthetic learner? If so, bin-bags containing his belongings and FB printouts taped to it, might do it.

Matilda That made me laugh.


My gut instinct is that I should email him this afternoon spelling out the situation:

*I know about his dodgy FB chat
*I know he is lying to me that there is nothing going on with XX
*He needs to be the one coming clean. He has the questions to answer, I won't be answering his questions.
*It is impossible to have a relationship worth pins with a liar. I won't do it.
*He needs to tell the truth. It is time to take responsibility for his actions.
*Stop trying to blame me.
*If he wants there to be any chance at all of continuing our relationship he needs to find a different response rather than straight denial.

Reading the words written down may at least give him a chance to take in what my position is and reflect on how to respond.

Then tonight I will show him some the screenshots.

I reckon he is still chatting to her on the damned 'Book of Being Two-Faced' as I can see from the chat list that he is checking the site frequently but has not posted anything publicly.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Don't email him. This will only give him time to come up with excuses and lies.

Talk to him face to face - but don't reveal how much you know. Just say you know he is cheating and that you deserve far more than a liar and a cheat.

Then let him talk - the less you say, the more likely he is to reveal stuff.

[onefewernow]

I agree with Mad- much better face to face. Be clear that whatever he denies you have proof, then wait.

The hardest part will be not to fill in the silences and not let him lead you in his guessing game. I totally fucked that up, myself, and have wondered ever since whether I got the full story

[Ahhhcrap]

If you email him now he'll have a bunch of excuses lined up..

Just tell him you know about him and XXX then stay quiet, don't fill any silences and tell him you have proof (but don't tell him what it show him) that he's been having an affair and if he doesn't tell you everything or he lies then he's out the door.. If you don't do that he'll only admit to what you already know.. This happened to me and I thought, for 2 yrs he'd only had an EA, found out yrs later it was physical cause he only admitted to what I already knew

[JoySchtick]

I won?t be saying anything new in the email. Just re-iterating that I know he has lied about his ?friendship? with XX.

I?ve already told him that I know he is lying to me about that.

I want to make clear my position ref lying being terminally unacceptable. I think this will be very hard to state to him in conversation as he will make try to challenge and get me off topic.

[PureQuintessence]

He is quite a bit older than you is he not? Used to treat you like a child? Used to be in authority ? He behaves towards you like you are a tantrumming toddler and he an oasis of calm righteousness.

[HavingAnOffDAy]

Hi

I've been lurking & just wanted to say you've dealt with this so well up to know.

Definitely don't give him a heads up by emailing him your thoughts.

Try & get everything clear in your head before you speak to him so that he's not able to twist everything & leave you doubting yourself

Good luck