My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

[JoySchtick]

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

[Bessie123]

He is an immature, narcissistic,controlling wanker. Ignore him if he does this again, I bet he won't call the police.

[Snazzynewyear]

Definitely don't tell him where you are and don't reply. I would bet he will not call the police but even if he did, you would only need to tell them what the situation is and they would immediately see he had set out to waste their time and deliberately cause trouble. But as I said, he won't do this as he thinks his threat will work. Call his bluff.

[LondonNinja]

He's desperate. If he calls the police, they'll give him a rocket up his arse for wasting time.

Didn't he have anything to say about the fact you know?! Staggering...

[JoySchtick]

I agree, he wouldn't have called the police. It would have been ridiculous and even he must realise that.

I've turned my phone off now.

I don't feel too bad considering. My heart is racing a bit and I feel vaguely sick. When he called it got a lot worse, my heart was absolutely pounding.

I work but my income is a bit precarious as I am a freelancer. I could work all that out though somehow, if necessary.

[JoySchtick]

No, he didn't make any reference to my note.

To me it seems like almost the same mindset of doing things below the radio so that nothing can be firmly pinned on him.

I can't prove that he didn't genuinely fear the car had been stolen.

As far as he's concerned I can't prove that he's done anything wrong with XX.

[something2say]

Trying to escape what one has genuinely done........low life behaviour. I think that's the saddest bit isn't it, the not owning what one does.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Hope the coast is doing you good. Well done for being such a strong woman and taking care of yourself

[LondonNinja]

Wow, he's a real case, isn't he? Keep the phone turned off and use this weekend to sort your head out a bit.

As far as he's concerned you can't prove anything? Well, that's OK then... Hmm.

He's in denial.

[JoySchtick]

Below the radio??? That would be below the radar.

[LondonNinja]

I did wonder about the radio...

Hope the sea air is doing you good, Joy

[Hissy]

Good for you Joy, you are so strong and inspiring.

i am so sorry that you are going through this. Stay away to get space as long as you feel you need to.

Let the bugger sweat. Seriously.

Don't call him, don't take his calls. He knows you are OK and he has not got a right to any more information than that.

let him see that there will be consequences to his actions.

[Ahhhcrap]

Sounds like he's panicking and because he doesn't know exactly what you're aware of he's testing the water.

Hope you're ok OP

[JoySchtick]

Good afternoon.

The coast was a good idea and I'm really glad to have had some time alone.

Being away was a big help as it made me feel calmer and less stressed and then I was able to eat some proper food, cry, rest and think.

I've been thinking a lot about what Xales said upthread that it was almost as if DH wanted me to find out, considering that he was advising OW on how to cover her tracks but then got caught out himself after he carelessly left a clue to his password lying around.

I think he was shocked and upset when he found my copy of 'Should I Stay Or Should I Go'.

Now that I've found out about his sexually explicit messages I am the one feeling shocked and upset. It's tit-for-tat.

I don't think he planned it that way, just that he unconsciously found a way to express what he wanted me to know but couldn't bring himself to share with me honestly.

I returned the beloved car safely to its worried owner yesterday and I am now staying with a friend for a couple of nights.

When I get back home I am going to confront DH with part of the hard evidence that I have - ie screenshots of some of their messages.

I will tell DH that if he wants to continue our relationship then he must take responsibility for what he has done. It's his mess, he can sort it out.

I'm going to continue putting my affairs in order to leave if I need to.

I've been thinking a lot about whether to give the information I have to the OW's DH. My idea is that I would give her notice of my plan first so that she has the opportunity to come clean to him herself if she wants to.

My reason for doing this is partly to send the message 'get orf my land' and to nip their burgeoning relationship in the bud. I feel like nipping DH somewhere else too.

I also want to make clear to DH the full consequences of what he has done by spreading lies in two marriages. And next time he will presumably find someone who is single.

I've seen her photos on Facebook, her with her DCs, and it looks like she has a lovely family. There are lots of sweet messages on her wall (or whatever it's called) from her DH.

I really wish them all well, yes even her, and with all my heart I hope that they will keep their family together.

But I want to make it clear where the boundaries are, point out to my DH that he has crossed the line and let him know that if we are to stay together he will need to learn for himself how to observe the boundaries from now on.

Is it a terrible idea to tell the OW she needs to tell her DH? Is it a terrible idea to tell the OW's DH anything at all?

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

So tempting! I would be so tempted to tell her DH not her, but then really, do you want to become embroiled in their relationship problems? Probably not.

Love the way he is more concerned about his car than he is about you, that's just bloody marvellous isn't it?

[LondonNinja]

Would you trust him, though? Even if he says he's going to stop crossing the line?

I'm not sure about telling the OW's DH. Even though he deserves to know, it may destroy their family. I think that that has to be her call, tbh.

[Ahhhcrap]

People will tell you all sorts with regards to the OW. I took the high ground and decided she was nothing to do with me and it was my DH I was concerned with so I did nothing. I've never spoken to her..

Unfortunately that's one bit I've never been able to put to bed with regards to my DHs affair. I feel she got off Scott free and her life was none the worse as her DH and family never found out.. I doubt it would have made things better if I'd have told him or confronted her - but it might have made me feel slightly better rather than second best to her

[Doha]

If l was the OW's other half l would want to know. However l think you should give her the chance to come clean and give her a week before you contact her DH.
You will not have caused the trouble in her marriage she managed to do that with the help of your DH.

[PureQuintessence]

I am not sure why you would collude with the three of them on keeping her husband in the dark. It is only fair that he gets to know what sort of woman he is married to, it will be up to them if they split up, that is nothing to do with you. Let the poor man know what his wife has been up to so he can make a conscious choice whether she is worth staying married to! For all you know, your dh could be one of many.

How did he meet her?

[JoySchtick]

Those responses have really helped me clarify my thinking on telling Mr OW.

I think it is an ace I am happy to keep up my sleeve for now. I agree it is best coming straight from her to her husband.

No one can know what the outcome would be for their relationship, it could be the making of their marriage or it destroy it. Only they are in charge of that.

I?m realising how completely my future depends on DH taking responsibility. I can tell him that?s what needs to happen but I can?t make him do it. I?m not optimistic that he is even going to know WTF I am talking about.

DH texted me this morning but I only spotted it later on.

His first text asked if I was away for the w/end. His second said: could you pay me the small courtesy of confirming where you are so I don?t have to worry. I replied that I was safe.

Now he?s just this minute texted asking if I will be back home tonight. He has not once asked if I am ok.

[Ahhhcrap]

Is it unusual for you to go away on your own for the weekend? I think him not going spare, asking what's wrong and not freaking out is telling on its own. If ge was innocent and i went off for the weekend without much of a reason, he'd be going spare!

Regardless of how he sugar costs it or wriggles you know and saw what was said. You don't need proof!

His reaction once it's all out will tell you what you need to know. If he's remorseful and gives you everything you need in regards to space and honesty then maybe there is a chance. If he blames you or lied further you know what he's made of.

[Doha]

And just where was his small courtesy when he was texting OW?? I think his true colours are starting to show now.
Lets him stew.--or just re text - l am safe.

[Bessie123]

Patronising wanker

[JoySchtick]

His reaction once it's all out will tell you what you need to know. This is why I am dreading seeing his reaction.

I so want to do everything right in order to make sure it all turns out the way I want it to and we are happy together. It's so horrible and frightening to have to accept that it is not down to me really.

I do sometimes go away at the w/end to stay with friends or family but it's in a much more routine way. I don't normally leave notes saying that I know all and he should tell the truth.

[something2say]

To me, he sounds scared of what you may have discovered, angry and defensive (pay me the small courtesy etc) and also as tho he is waiting for you to come back and the shit to hit the fan xx