My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

[JoySchtick]

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

He knows he's in the wrong and he's bricking it. Instead of being an actual man and admitting what he's done he is trying to blag it. This only makes him a turd, not the devilishly cunning wheeler dealer he seems to think he is.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP :( Wiser people will advise you on the practicalities but his attitude really makes me think your marriage is doomed unless he can grow a pair and accept some kind of responsibility.

You could ask him to get you a bit of paper so you can test your new fancy pens. Then, while he is looking, write "I KNOW" and then act all innocent, "oh look dh, it really comes up lovely doesn't it, so smooth to write with"

Oh my goodness, the pens! Belated anniversary gift my arse.

Sorry you're having to go through this, and he's being such a monumental twat about it. He is as guilty as the day is long.

He is IMO digging that pit deeper.

When this does come out, btw, he will tell you that it was all a bit of a laugh and the would NEVER consider actually doing anything.

Been there, done the T-shirt. I'm afraid he's just ruined your relationship, not only by virtually cheating but by looking you straight in the eye and lying to you. I chose to stay with my ex and fight for our relationship as I'd just had a baby. Guess what he done it again. If you can do it once, you can do it again. And probably will. So sorry JoySchtick, but at least you found out.

OP you are very clearly so much brighter than your dh, I can't believe he thinks he can fool you. I hope you get through this and end up with an outcome you are ok with - what a horrible thing to find out.

Yep, he is digging deeper. Yep, he needs to find some courage and decency and take responsibility.

Xales interesting point about the pens and the children (who obviously are not actually little children but grown-up children) and him not seeing me as an equal.

It's so strange seeing him lying, knowing for sure he is lying, and yet almost wanting to believe him.

I'm glad you mentioned Milk Tray as it reminded me that I have some chocolate buttons in my desk. Password protect those, DH.

i don't even eat catfood

Joy, you're going to be fine. It's gonna be crap, but it will get better. I think you're doing fabulously. Really listen to what he's saying, and then look at what he was doing. They shouldn't have this sci fi gap.

One of my favourite MN relationship truisms is about how people shouldn't have to try to talk themselves out of where their actions put them (I wish I could find it again). He's doing a lot of chat here isn't he? Please don't doubt yourself.

But what a twunt. Flirting, lying, blaming you. He's going for a full house if common or garden twatery isn't he.

I would have left him over the password, OP. How dare he say that he can have a private account and you can't?

If I saw messages like that, too, I'd go right off him. I don't think a relationship can survive that unless you really, really want him. Tbh, I don't believe you do want him.

Do you think the passion has gone from your relationship? You sound pissed off rather than incredibly hurt or furious.

I am hurt and upset that he would behave with so little respect towards me.

I'm not furious. I feel sorry for him in the sense that he's got loads going for him but he somehow doesn't know how to be a better person than this.

I still fancy him and he does me, I think. Although that is not all there is to passion.

I'm off to bed with my chocolate buttons.

I'm stunned at the pens. He's just come down to earth with a bump, hasn't he? I'm expecting he suggests a fantastic restaurant or holiday next (after the Milk Tray)...

Joy, you sound so calm, but I suspect you're just keeping a lid on it for now. He's dragged the carcass of normality back into the room - with the cat food - and is minimising to the hilt.

Are you going to be able to sleep tonight?

Cross post. Sleep well. Enjoy the chocolate buttons but reassess in the morning - don't let his minimising detract from what he has done. Remind yourself how you felt when he went out. There is a school of thought that says if you (he) don't (doesn't) make an issue of something, others will follow suit. Don't fall for it.

When he's asleep, put a few chocolate buttons in his arse crack and let him draw his own conclusions in the morning...

Yes, don't let him off the hook. If in any doubt say nothing to whatever he says/does.

Poor you, so horrible to have that feeling of going into free fall with your relationship.

I would try the ultra calm and reasonable thing with him. Say you know there is something going on and the way he is lying and hitting out at you is unkind/ cruel, and you are not sure what he expects to achieve with it? and if he comes back with other nasty things, keep saying 'thats very hurtful, and im not sure what you want to achieve by this'.

and also if he goes off at a tangent (i.e. on the book opening, or other relationships troubles), say 'but we're not talking about that now, we're talking about you being unfaithful, please dont try and change the subject, i want to hear the truth'... and repeat ad nauseum. with silences after saying it.

cos what he really wants is for you to snap and get in an argument back and then twist it so he can claim the moral high ground, deflect away from his behaviour and blame you... and generally shuffle himself into a self righteous anger about it all where he excuses his own betrayal to himself.

If you can bear it, dont give him any extra fodder to do that to you.

ask him if he can sit down with you and have an honest and straight forwards conversation with you about it. with no shouting and blaming and ranting at you... becuase if he really is the person who you thought you had a relationship with, he should do that for you...

i'm sorry OP.

I would seriously look at going somewhere for a few days. Let him wonder where you have gone and what you are thinking, rather than this minimising and denial he's acting out for you. If you can go to a friend's for the weekend, or even just check into a hotel somewhere and do nothing but watch films etc, then do that. Tell him (or leave a note) saying you know he isn't being straight with you and you can't bear to be around him right now. Let him sweat on that.

Joy re the password for your laptop. If you press control-alt-delete, does it give you the option to change password? Mine does, but not sure if that is universal, IYKWIM. I think he could then change it himself, as the administrator, but you would know if he'd done that when you couldn't log on to your laptop.

Hope you're ok this morning.

Thank you all for so many good comments.

'Live-blogging' DH's ridiculous blustering was a brilliant defence against getting drawn into a conversation on his terms. And not getting a response did just allow him more rope. Thank you, thank you.

Although I'd have much preferred it if he had taken responsibility for his actions.

Thanks Agatha, I tried ctrl+alt+del as you suggestd but it doesn't work for me. Back to the manual it is.

Just for clarity - the main desktop computer is the one with the passwords and which DH controls. My laptop is fully in my control, but I would like to put a password on it so it is my private space.

I've decided to go to an hotel for the night. I'd like some time on my own if nothing else.

I like snazzy's thought of explaining that I know he is lying and can't stand to be around him. I was also thinking of leaving a copy of 'The Script' for him. There are a couple of good versions on the boards here. I want to underscore that I know he is lying and I really can't be doing with his BS.

Would that be a stupidly provocative thing to do? Thoughts on that?

I want to behave with dignity, not rile him.

I think you need to do whatever you want to do. He should be the one scared of riling you, TBH!

A night away is a good idea, though. It'll give you the headspace you need. And if he asks why you're away, maybe just say it's because you need some time alone for your own reasons and that he should maybe have a long, hard think about what those reasons are (and to not treat you as though you are thick!). I don't see why you have to justify yourself to him or leave hints, really.

Book somewhere nice, with a spa. Sell the bloody pens to fund it!

Just caught up with this thread, so sorry this is happening to you OP

It's almost a carbon copy of what happened to me. I knew something wasn't right with my DH but couldn't put my finger on it, by some freak accident I saw a text message from a woman to him. Once I started to dig I saw all manner of conversations between the two of them. At that point I thought it was none physical. But what really got me, was when I asked him who 'Laura' was (name changed for MN), he looked me dead in the eye and asked me what I was on about, he didn't know anyone by that name. I then slowly started mentioning things that I knew, but very subtely. You could almost see the panic start to rise over a period of time. He then started to be over nice to me. I also noticed ALL his passwords changed.

I eventually put him out of his misery and showed him the screen shots and copies I'd taken and his face was a picture.

I often think that we could have gotten over it if he'd simply admitted to it, but his ability for lies and deceipt was epic and I found I couldn't live with the fact he could look me dead centre in the eyes and tell me he was out with his mates when I had concrete proof he'd been seeing her. Also that he hadn't sent any messages when I had, literally, hundreds of them between the two of them.

The more you hold out, the more he'll dig himself a hole. Once he knows you know, he'll try to worm his way out of it.

So basically, he has clicked how you know as that is why he has changed his FB password.

Re pass word for your own laptop. From "Start" go to "control panel" "user accounts" and either it will give you the option there to create a password or there will be more to click on maybe "add or remove user account" then click on the actual account which will be either your name if he made it that or just "admisitrator" click on that then "change" and there should be a link to click say add a password or something!

I've come to the coast to get some space and to figure out what to do next.

It seems to be working because almost as soon as I got here, and after reading some of your posts, I decided that I need to show him the hard evidence.

Someone made the very good point upthread that he doesn't need to know that I didn't manage to copy everything What I have is enough.

This all comes down to him taking responsibility and I suspect he will only consider doing that when he is cornered.......That's not great is it?

MadLizzy felt reading how differently your DH behaved in a similar situation.

DrHolmes that worked for my laptop, thank you. I also changed my password on the shared computer.

Feel tired now after feeling quite wired and hectic all day. Think I will have a little nap.

sigh DH just texted saying he needed to know where his car was as he was about to report it to the police as stolen.

Then he called and left a voicemail which said the car was gone and he needed to know where it was or he would have to call the police.

I used the car to get to the coast, it is his car but I drive it too. He has another car if he needs to go anywhere tonight. I also left a note saying that I knew all and was going away for the night.

So I'm thinking he must have known the car hadn't been stolen.

Doesn't he realise how pathetic he is being?

I texted back saying 'don't worry, the car's with me' in a lighthearted way.

By the way, on the new iPhones can you tell when a voicemail that you left for someone has been listened to?

He called again as soon as I listened to his voicemail. I didn't listen to it straightaway because I was, er, in the bath or something, probably.

He is making a point that it is HIS car you are driving and that he CAN report it stolen.

That would be a rather pathetic waste of police time.

Are you working and fully able to support yourself in case you decide that you wont put up with his behaviour?

I think he wants to control you into admitting where you are. Well done for saying the car is with you but not saying where you are. How are you apart from that?