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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

746 replies

JoySchtick · 20/03/2013 23:41

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 30/03/2013 13:04

Enjoy your days away Joy, have some much needed rest and ignore any contact from him.

I love his excuse about being Catholic. There are plenty of Catholics out there who have cheated, he wouldn't be the first, lol.

He is trying to excuse his behaviour by saying that it is ok because nothing actually happened, but its not excusable is it to be saying things like that to somebody else. When you start thinking about somebody else more than your partner it is wrong. When you start sending messages to somebody else telling them how wonderful they are, it is wrong.

Keep posting here for support and don't waver. He is trying to excuse his own guilt by making you feel bad for actually doing something about it, rather than just sitting there.

Have a lovely weekend. We are all here for you whenever you need us.

AThingInYourLife · 30/03/2013 13:06

"H tried to argue that his Catholic upbringing has left him with such issues of guilt around sex that he could never even contemplate infidelity."

:o

But he was contemplating it. He and this woman were getting their rocks off "contemplating" it together.

skyebluesapphire · 30/03/2013 13:07

Forgot to say, It is your life and only you can decide what you want to do. A lot of people on here will push you to leave him. But it is your life, your marriage and your decision and you will work it through in your own time, like you say. Just don't end up being a doormat, keep on standing up to him.

onefewernow · 30/03/2013 13:12

Have a good break Joy.

I hope you don't get diverted by him onto the territory of what he says he would Not do.

There is no need.

What he did do was bad enough, and he can not deny it- you have the evidence.

His reaction afterwards in also "what he did do" and is also not a matter of conjecture.

Smart and manipulative of him to shift the territory there.

Original poster
JoySchtick · 30/03/2013 13:38

I don't believe it!!! [bushocked] [buangry]

OW has just shared one of H's links on her FB page.

She really, really wants me to tell her DH doesn't she? I won't though.

I am absolutely astonished.

OP posts:
ThreeTomatoes · 30/03/2013 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThreeTomatoes · 30/03/2013 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Midwife99 · 30/03/2013 13:46

I think they're trying to make out they've never been more than friends perhaps by openly networking?

You have actual proof of sexually explicit messages though so you know they weren't just being friendly.

Whatever you choose to do I'm sure you will rise above it with dignity & a year from now will have found happiness & acceptance of the reality of this situation Thanks

TheSmallPrint · 30/03/2013 13:48

Yep sounds like she's trying to make out everything is just normal.

Angelico · 30/03/2013 13:49

She's a goady bitch. The fact you haven't dropped the bomb immediately means she feels safe. In her head it's probably just an innocent share, proving that they are just friends and you are jealous and demented - at least that's how she'll sell it to her DH. She's preparing the way for making a liar of you and saying you're just paranoid, 'Would I be sharing stuff on my page if I had anything to hide?' etc.

Presumably she doesn't know you have screenshots. Silly cunt.

Angelico · 30/03/2013 13:50

How you haven't dropped the bomb is beyond me btw. Truly beyond me.

something2say · 30/03/2013 13:55

The thing is, this is all so far away from what a safe and loving relationship should be like isn't it. I mean what husband does that and then blatantly cares less about how his wife feels about it?

Take good care Joy xx let it all sink in in your own time. Think it all through and keep posting x x x

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 30/03/2013 13:58

Blimey!! [bushock]

Bluelightsandsirens · 30/03/2013 14:07

She would be making my blood boil!

I hope you manage to find some peace whilst you are away.

HavingAnOffDAy · 30/03/2013 14:16

I've changed my mind, in your shoes now I'd be telling her DH.

I'd move out first though

What a totally, unrepentant, vindictive, goady bitch Hmm

Mrsgorgeous · 30/03/2013 14:41

Think I might be tempted to post one of those screenshots you have on her Facebook wall Wink

QuintEggSensuality · 30/03/2013 14:45

Drop a bomb of your own, Joy.

"Like" the shared link, and say "I am loving this sharing business. Amazing how much me and you have in common!"

That is going to make them both implode.

Loulybelle · 30/03/2013 14:46

They both sound totally delusional.

Infact, i bet Mr Joy has told OW, "Dont worry, I've made her see it was harmless fun, he wont say a word".

Both need to come back down to earth.

Loulybelle · 30/03/2013 14:48

"Like" the shared link, and say "I am loving this sharing business. Amazing how much me and you have in common!"

I like your thinking Quint.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 30/03/2013 14:49

Ha ha! I like that too!! quint

onefewernow · 30/03/2013 14:53

Guilt, catholic or otherwise, hasn't stopped him lying his face off.

He reminds me more of an ostrich than everything else... Head in sand, didn't do it, can't hear it, la, la la!

And what he feels is shame by the way, which isn't the same thing.

QuintEggSensuality · 30/03/2013 14:55

I cant remember Joy, does he KNOW that you have screenshots?

Midwife99 · 30/03/2013 14:57

Good one Quint!! That would cause some "nervous fanny"!!!

clam · 30/03/2013 16:29

Such a shame his upright Catholic principles don't extend to honouring and supporting his own wife.
Anyway, this is SO not about what he might or might not have done; nor is it about what he did do/say in those texts. It's about the fact that you will be ending the marriage due to his appalling behaviour since discovery.

I admire your restraint in not telling the OW's H but I'm afraid I would have to do it myself - if only to wipe the smirk off your H's face, as he seems to think he's got away with it and has the moral high-ground, just because they didn't actually shag. Hilarious that he was poncing on about "responsibilities to children," as if him fantasising on-screen to their mother about what he would like to do to her isn't relevant! Twat.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/03/2013 16:30

Harmless fun aye right. Brass necks the pair of them. QES great strategy.