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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

746 replies

JoySchtick · 20/03/2013 23:41

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

OP posts:
Original poster
JoySchtick · 29/03/2013 20:06

I vote for... PaddingtonBearsDuffleCoatPackedAwayInATrunkForSunshineSeason

And when I go, in my own good time, I will be taking my homemade marmalade with me.

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 29/03/2013 20:07

Oh I do like the way your mind idly wonders!! [bugrin]

Original poster
JoySchtick · 29/03/2013 20:26

If my H's friends also know OW's H then my H will not want to be outed and lose face in front of them. It would be highly embarrassing for my H.

I'm speculating that is another reason why he cares so much that OW's H does not find out. Dunno, just guessing.

OP posts:
QuintEggSensuality · 29/03/2013 20:40

You dont seem to know your husbands friends that well, if he can have both an OW, OWs husband, and mutual friends in his circle of friends, without you knowing for sure?

Original poster
JoySchtick · 29/03/2013 20:54

DH, his v good friends and OW all worked together 20 years ago.

DH kept in touch with his v good friends from that time and I know them a bit too. DH did not keep in touch with OW.

There have been re-unions for this group of former colleagues. One of DH's good friends has been to a fair few of these I think. DH has not really bothered with the re-unions much. He went to one maybe 5 years, ten years ago. Then the meet up two weeks ago where he met OW again.

I have no idea how well my H's other friends know OW - and possibly her H. It could be very well, it could be hardly at all. I've never heard her mentioned. HTH.

OP posts:
QuintEggSensuality · 29/03/2013 20:56

And strangely, he feels more loyal to OW than to his wife. How pathetic. Reliving lost youth perhaps? Midlife crisis?

Xales · 29/03/2013 21:02

I know in the great scheme of things it is unimportant but I would still be wondering what was so important that he needed so much privacy for so long.

Unless it was just a complete control/I am important you are less than me what was he hiding if OW has only been on the scenes 2 weeks.

I am a nosey bint though.

Getting out safe and eventually being happy again is best /hugs

Loulybelle · 29/03/2013 21:14

When my ex fiancee was conducting sexy messages with an old friend (dated 3 weeks 20 years ago), i also rung the other woman, and she hung up on me (rude bitch). My ex was more annoyed about me calling her than the fact that our relationship was going tits up because what was it now, "My exes never let me have female friends".

Men are such feeble minded, clueless twats to realise, theres a line between friends and too friendly, and talking about "making love" is too friendly.

I suspect that if Joy ever asked what would he do if she did it, the same line that men pedal "I wouldnt mind", when in reality, they'd be skulking around like a wounded soldier, "Woe is me, my wife has a betrayed".

Mr Joy, needs a brain transplant......or better yet, a time out.

onefewernow · 29/03/2013 22:04

There is one clue to why he is so anxious.

Because it disadvantages HIM in some way. He isn't thinking about her.

So why might that be?

There are several possibilities....

onefewernow · 29/03/2013 22:11

I don't believe he has deep feelings for the woman. From what we have discovered about his personality ( which is quite a lot) he has deep feelings for himself.

Would love to know what his first wife's story is...and it won't be the same as his.

Midwife99 · 29/03/2013 23:21

Who knows or indeed cares about their history?!! His current twunty behaviour or the highest order is the issue here!! Angry

mathanxiety · 30/03/2013 00:00

Math Staying in hopes of him accepting responsibility and apologising will drive you crazy. Really, really crazy. You have spotted the very part that I am finding hard to accept. I find it so frustrating that none of our conversations are actually conversations with real back and forth communication.

Joy -- that is not going to change.

He will never be able to be anything but a narcissist and that means driving you completely crazy. There is more craziness there than you will ever be able to cope with. Stop trying to turn this into a rational and emotionally honest conversation. That will never happen.

You are a rational and normal person. He is not.
Your brain and your spirit need rationality, sanity, honest discourse however painful. His brain and spirit wouldn't know what those items were if they jumped up and bit him in the bum.

mathanxiety · 30/03/2013 00:01

If it sounds as if he believes every single crazy thing he has said these last few days that is because he does, he really does. He believes every single accusation he has made against you. You will never convince him otherwise.

mathanxiety · 30/03/2013 00:07

What is really important to your H in all of this is his self image. He sees himself as a morally upstanding Catholic. No behaviour of his will ever put a dent in this self image. When challenged about his behaviour, behaivour that is completely undeniable, he will (as you have seen) turn the entire situation upside down and inside out to prevent the injury to his ego that happens when he is forced to see himself as you see him. Hence the ridiculous accusation that you are the one harming children here.

And his lack of a hold on reality also leads him to behaviour like locking you out. If you're not there he doesn't have to hear what you have to say about him, therefore he hasn't done anything worthy of challenge. His view of himself is secure.

That is what you are dealing with.

skyebluesapphire · 30/03/2013 00:40

Joy - have just caught up with this thread again and it has moved on quite a lot! I can't believe how he has turned on you and made it all your fault for contacting OW... you caught him red handed, engaging in inappropriate contact with OW. He rants on about how there are children involved and it was just a fantasy and that both of them have standards that mean it would have gone no further Hmm.

At the end of the day, he needs to take responsibility for his own actions! he was the one messaging her, not you. He is the one who jeapordised her marriage, not you. Do not accept any blame for any of this.

Your H has behaved very badly, has deceived you and then tried to blame you for it all. He is reacting like this because he got caught out.

Please do not let him put you down and do not believe that you are responsible for anything.

I referred upthread to the number of texts etc that my XH was exchanging with his best mates wife. i filed for divorce for UB, citing inappropriate contact with X. The petition stated that they had flirty facebook chat, that he texted her 140 times the day before we went on holiday and that he was texting her 100 times a day.

After XH got the petition with OW's name on it, I got accused of "trying to ruin her marriage" when she had only ever tried to be my friend Hmm In my opinion, she was ruining her own marriage with all the inappropriate contact. Why was it my fault, for putting it on a public document? Grin

I don't know what your job is, but as long as you have done nothing wrong, they are not going to be interested in a phonecall to OW.

Stay strong and know that you have done nothing wrong

Midwife99 · 30/03/2013 01:21

Joy don't be caught up with other posters' obsessions with their own fantasies of why their DH left. You need to work out what is right for you & what you want for your future. Meanwhile stay safe & hand holding Thanks

mathanxiety · 30/03/2013 03:42

Midwife, I don't know how the word 'fantasies' comes into this?

AgathaF · 30/03/2013 06:53

Joy don't be caught up with other posters' obsessions with their own fantasies of why their DH left. - I think that's unfair and insulting.

Of course Joy needs to work out what is best for her. I'm sure that as an intelligent woman, she knows that too.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 30/03/2013 07:45

Other people's experiences are very relevant because stupid fuckwits like this tend to behave is a depressingly predictable way (you should have heard the bollocks mine came out with).

However, Joy does need to work through this in her own way and at her own pace. We are here to help along the way [busmile]

Midwife99 · 30/03/2013 07:54

True & I apologise OP as that was not directed at you. Thanks

skyebluesapphire · 30/03/2013 11:31

math and AgathaF - that comment is no doubt aimed at me. Midwife doesn't like me, but there is not much I can do about that and just wish that she would leave me alone. I don't go round making comments about her and just want the same respect in return.

I have reread my last post and only see it as supporting Joy that she has done nothing wrong. I can't see anything wrong in that....

This thread is about OP's situation. When I started posting on here about secret facebook contact, lots of texts, emails etc, everybody shouted OW at me. I wouldn't believe it, I had never even heard of an Emotional Affair before I came on here. It is certainly not a fantasy as to why my XH left, it is all sadly very true.... He changed completely once he was in the secret contact with her and he became obsessed with her in a very short space of time. I felt that this situation was a lot like mine, a lot of inappropriate contact.

Joy - all I can do is give advice from my own experience, which is very similar to a lot of other people's on MN like Shipwrecked says and that is why we post on here, because we know what it is like.

The main thing is that you need to look after yourself and decide what you want. But please don't let him mess you around and make you feel that you are in the wrong, because you have done nothing wrong.

Midwife99 · 30/03/2013 12:21

I rest my case!! Grin

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 30/03/2013 12:23

[buconfused]

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/03/2013 12:43

I am sure whether a poster here has one failed marriage or several any constructive advice for Joy is helpful.
Sadly there is often a recognizable pattern of behaviour but every heartache is unique.

Joy hope you have a restful weekend and your friends are good company.

Original poster
JoySchtick · 30/03/2013 12:58

I certainly need to work through this in my own time and my own way. I have to go one step at a time and look after myself. That's all I can do.

I can't handle moving out just now. This is the right decision for me for now.

[busad]

It is useful when people tell me that I have done nothing wrong here as H is trying to blame me all the time. I think I could get confused if I was all on my own with this and start to believe his delusional delusions.

I'm heading off to where I am loved later today and I will stay there for a few days.

To clarify on the H being Catholic thing; H was brought up Catholic but no longer practises or believes. Quite the opposite, he loathes the Catholic Church.

H tried to argue that his Catholic upbringing has left him with such issues of guilt around sex that he could never even contemplate infidelity.

[busmile]

OP posts: