My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

[JoySchtick]

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

If he did go to the police, just show them this thread.

Save that telling the DH stuff for when you are safely out of there.

You are not dealing with a rational man.

Is the cat/cats yours or his?

What a complete wankbadger.

Hi Joy, hope you get away from this twins for the long weekend. You've done very well to remain so calm. He sounds like a thoroughly nasty piece of work. His moralising is especially sickening. Did you ask him if he was "thinking of the children" when trying to shag their mum!?

Time to get out.

Id be in the camp of telling mr OW. Poor guy deserves to know. But I know it's best for you not to get involved.

Joy , your H us not popular round here!

However, please dint feel you have to abort the thread just because you need time to process and decide what to do.

Clearly some if us think you should get out now. If you decide otherwise, we are still here for you. Most of us took way longer than a week to see what was going on in our lives, so you have done amazingly.

I think you will need the support.

Popping in to make sure you are ok Joy?

I am worried that his ranting might turn physical when he realises that you hold all the cards and his veiled threats dont hold any water .

Hello all.

I had a very early night last night which was very much needed.

I've read through the posts but will go back and have a proper read shortly.

People say so many helpful things. Lots of the practical advice has been really useful and I am putting some of it into practice or making plans to.

I spoke to some RL people last night.

My friend is giving me some keys to her house in case I need them. She said I was very brave to call the OW.

My DM said that she had seen mentions of this XX woman all over my H's Facebook timeline and she wondered if he was having an affair. We had a good laugh at his 'Why? Why? Why?' text.

It was only when I read the text out loud to her that I realised quite how self-righteous it was.

good to hear from you joy!!

I'm really glad you are talking in RL. its amazing how talking about it brings it into sharp focus, isn't it?

Glad you had a peaceful night and are starting to tell people in RL.

You are a class above these two and deserve much better.

They are obviously completely stupid if they are all over each others FB and others are wondering. Her H may not need help to figure it out.

Good on you Joy great you have rl, practical support too.

Joy - you are sounding amazing.

Is her H on facebook? Or linkable? Just wondering . . .

Joy, I have just read through this thread and wanted to say how brilliantly you are handling everything in the face of extreme provocation. I wouldn't have been able to keep my cool with your arse of an H and his gaslighting. I am aghast at the threats to report you to the police and your professional body, he is really clueless and has tremendous self-belief doesn't he? The vain, deluded sod.

Glad you have some RL support. Run like the wind and deal with him from afar through legal channels where he can't drip any more poison in your ear, and his whiny texts can be diffused by people who love you.

Hi Joy, glad to hear you are still ok and rested. Makes or easier to think straight!

No doubt your friends and mothers reaction was the same as the many stunned women who delurked to offer support.

Some more practical suggestions:

• detach and don't engage in conversation
• start sorting out your stuff
• photocopy anything you may need
• be very care to so this, as you may change your mind later about whether you want to ask for any assets

-keep busy and seeing friends over the holiday

• appoint a solicitor, a good one

-have a bag packed in case a discreet exit is required

Take care.

You have done so well to keep sane in this situation.

onefewer I think you have hit the nail on the head in your posts.

Math Staying in hopes of him accepting responsibility and apologising will drive you crazy. Really, really crazy. You have spotted the very part that I am finding hard to accept. I find it so frustrating that none of our conversations are actually conversations with real back and forth communication.

I was when I realised why you were asking about the cats, they are ours though so will be fine. He feels sufficiently back in control now and is being ?normal?.

Xales If you shouted back he could escalate it to a nasty row. I have shouted back, but managed to stick to the facts and avoid outright insults (I think). He turned that back onto me anyway calling me ?mad?.

What world is this in which a phone call that upsets someone is harassment and shouting is insanity?

I was sorely tempted to just tell Mr OW-H but I have to think of my own best interests right now. Scarlet I loved your fantasy email. The thought of making H grovel was very satisfying.

Paddington your name is ridiculously long. It?s pleasing just to know the facts about restraining orders. I had already told H that if he felt going to the police / my professional organisation was necessary then he should go right ahead and see what they said about his complaints.

I really, really try not to get hooked into his arguments but I do need to say some things, it?s a way of creating a sort of forcefield so that as much of his horrible blame as possible bounces off me.

I think there will be a calmer period now that the panic caused by my phone call to OW has died down.

Joy - sorry if you find my name too long, I could dump the duffle coat part of it but not until the weather improves. [buwink] Stay strong.

If your name is weather related, then bring on PadingtonBear'sHawianShirtSunglassesAndLargeCocktail

So, what did you think of the list I suggested?

I can see you have left off arguing the toss with him, but have you decided to end things?

He presumably thinks he has got you to ' shut the f up' and accept that he has won? ( not that it matters, if you are preparing to move on).

He repeated that I was being selfish, that I could not mess about when children were involved, ruining innocent lives

He can fucking talk!

Don't think it is you who is messing about when children are involved is it? Don't think you are ruining innocent lives. That seems to be their mother's department. And your H's.

Complete fuckers the pair of them.

I was sorely tempted to just tell Mr OW-H but I have to think of my own best interests right now. Scarlet I loved your fantasy email. The thought of making H grovel was very satisfying.

Yes, Joy, you are right, think of your best interests and do what is right for you, very sensible. I am far too hot-headed and would make a right mess of it!

What's the plan then honey?

De lurking to say that I am very sorry that you are going through this and that he is being such a bullying arse.

I do think you should tell ow's husband. As things stand your husband thinks he is bullying you into submission - I would want to send the clear message that what he says, has no bearing on what you do.

But just as importantly, I think you might owe it to her husband. You are in possession of knowledge about his marriage that he doesn't have himself. If I was in his shoes I would absolutely hate to be the only one out of the 4 of you who didn't know. I think he deserves the truth.

Also delurking. Please be careful how you challenge him in person. He sounds like he's not got a horrendously firm grip on the ins and outs of reality. he doesn't seem to technically regard you as a "person" which puts you in a bit of a precarious position. Keep your safety as priority. No more challenging his reality when you are alone together - especially if he's already reacted physically (pulling on your collar and bag) and been contemplating doorlocks (keys in lock). It sounds alarmist, but I can tell you from experience that one of the first things victims come out with is "I never thought he'd do that..." or something along those lines. It only takes a couple seconds for some real damage/injury to be done, and sometimes people are not able to get to (or out) the door or manage to get a call off to 999.

I agree it would serve 3 purposes to tell the OW's H. #1 - if I was in his shoes, I'd want to know. He's literally the only one out of the four of you that is not aware of what's going on. #2 - it will keep OW occupied - she'll be far too busy worrying about saving her own marriage to be tampering with you and riling up your H. #3 - it will keep your H on the back foot - he will spend a fair bit of time and energy dealing with that crisis and hopefully have less time to hassle you.

BUT - do NOT tell the OW's H while you are still living with your H. That is absolutely not safe at all. Your H went mental at just the mention of OW's H finding out, imagine his initial reaction when that happens? He may get violent, and you will be the likely target, because he'll never confront the OW's H. Much more likely to choose a target that he knows he can overpower. So again, have a care for your safety.

What triggels just said

Agree that you shouldn't do it while you are still living with your h.

Thanks Triggles. Good work.

DH's children are here this w/end and we have agreed to rub along. Although mainly I am just avoiding him while still being civil.

I am going away tomorrow anyway to stay with nice people for a bit. That will give me a chance to recuperate and recover from the terrible stress this has put me under.

I have always assumed that, apart from any feelings for OW, the reason H is so keen for her husband not to find out is because of H's own personal 'code of conduct'. He would feel very guilty if he made her life difficult and harmed her family. Obviously it's fine to upset my life in anyway because I am not a proper, real person - just a wife.

I have been idly wondering if some of my H's very good friends who know OW also know OW's H. That would make exposure extra excruciating.