My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

[JoySchtick]

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you Joy.

They both sound fucking unbelievable. You have been so strong.

So sorry he's such a stupid, bullying bastard. You've done nothing wrong. You are a model of strength and restraint. If possible, don't listen to anything he says. Keep on ignoring. He's talking shit.
So sorry this has all happened. Hang in there.

You know my pity for her is growing slightly, simply because he is being such a twunt and therefore making you angry. And since he seems to have a rhino hide the obvious target of your vengeance is the OW. In your shoes if my 'D'H was behaving like this I would be so angry at him that my anger would overspill onto her and I would be telling her DH just to drop the bomb so to speak. But that's just me

And at no point has this stupid man considered that this would not have happened if he was not exchanging virtual juices with another mans wife. And further, had he taken his own wife's concerns seriously rather than laugh and deny, the outcome would have been very different.

Joy, you need legal advice. This man is on self destruct and Joy destruct too.

From yesterday, OP at 19:58:17
I thought she looked like a laugh and that she looked like she might be an MNer

If she is and is reading this, I hope she's squirming.

H under-estimated you didn't he Joy? What a chump.

Keep safe and get legal advice.

They've put you under massive stress Joy, at the moment a mix of anger, upset and chocolate and pistachio muffins adrenaline is keeping you going, take care of yourself.

As another lurker, I wanted to say how amazingly calm and dignified you are being. What an utter fool you are married to. I hope you manage to find somewhere to stay over the Easter weekend and I hope he realises what he's done and what he's lost.

Much as I don't condone her behaviour, I also hope OW sorts her life out too and doesn't get sucked into any long-term relationship with him as it's unlikely he'll treat her with any respect once the frisson of an affair is gone.

He's a totally selfish and arrogant man with no consideration for anyone but himself. It's unlikely he does care more about OW than you. Probably more scared what would happen to him if her H found out.

You have handled this very well. I can't see why you are still there though. You will not get past this and it isn't worth trying to: it's a short marriage and you have no children with him. As it's his house, I think it's time to LTB. How soon could you get back into your own property - do you have to give notice to tenants? Is there anyone you could stay with in the meantime?

"She stayed out drinking with a friend" ... was that friend him, perchance?!!

Have been supporting you in the background since you first posted and you're doing so well. He's a total idiot. Take care.

My advice to you now Joy would be this -

He can't cause any legal harm to you for a start, so don't worry about that xx There are no grounds for a restraining order or non-molestation order at all. He is trying to scare you.

It does very sadly seem though, that the mariage may have come to an end. Are you thinking the same way?

Are you thinking to live with him while you divorce / get your flat back or will you go elsewhere?

I would advise you to go away this weekend, even if it is just to an hotel, so you can lie around and cry and watch TV rather that put a brave face on - or otherwise, stick a brabve face on and go out with friends.

It may be that you live elsewhere for a month or so and then go back and live in a separate room from him while the divorce goes through.

Have you considered sitting down with him and agreeing that it is now over because of his behaviour and resulting attitude and agreeing a plan or is it too soon? I reckon too soon, hence get away for a while ...or you could at leats tell him you are going and why and that it is over.

But I feel for you xxxx I wonder also about paying fr someone to talk to because this must be an almighty shock for you. One day fine, the next day this. Even if there were rumbles. xxx

god, what a twat. I almost think you should go and tell the OW's husband now, just to call his bluff and show him you are not afraid of his silly little threats.

what a horrible man. yuk. I don't know how you can bear to even look at him any more.

Joy, Im sure you cant think straight at the moment, this has all happened so fast.

Truly, although the original offense is not one which causes divorce in many households (my was far worse, all online too), I afraid you have learned through this that you have a much bigger problem with him.

He has demonstrated an almost pathological resilience to hearing any fault, he has minimised what he does admit, he has protected himself and OW over you, he has made you the villain, he has nearly physically hurt you and frightened you, he has controlled you, threatened twice in a few days to call the police, threatened your work security re calling your professional body, and more.

Not only has he not admitted all that you saw yourself with your own eyes.

This is who he is.

my h, not me!

Joy,
I am also de lurking.
Can I just you are amazing ; your husband on the other hand is not.

After reading the whole thread and being a cynic , the text he sent you reads like he is writing it not from the heart ; but to minimise what has been happening and show how he and her have standards, and they are innocents having escapism but nothing damaging for anyone else. Maybe, he is expecting you to show this text to OW's husband and he wants him to know how much ' integrity' he has.
Academic really, he should of sent a text to you saying sorry for the disrespect he has shown you his wife, not trying to make you out as the villain of the piece and asking you to consider her and her family set up.
The truth is, that was her responsibility when she chose to have the online flirtation with your husband. Hers and his responsibilty,when it could affect others close to them when they found out.
To pretend otherwise and blame you for rocking the boat is disillusioned and cowardly. If she and he are worried now about it being revealed to families, they know it was wrong and not just innocent fantasy. But then they chose to do it anyway.

Just so you know, I'm also suburban/commuter London.........

Power to you Joy, keep on being amazing.
Sorry he is putting you through it.

Hello Joy,

I'm also de-lurking.

You must be feeling a sea of changing emotions or be numb at the moment. It's a difficult time to keep a clear head.

I've read your thread from the start and am sorry to heart the latest news. I can guess your H can be very charming and his self-image is very important to him. He is being extraordinarily hypocritical at the moment and some of the things he's doing could indicate narcissistic tendencies.

Anyway, it's good you have this outlet, I hope you also have someone in real life to talk to. Your H could argue black is white couldn't he?
Last weekend he ignored your concerns which were serious enough for you to take off on a spontaneous trip.
He ignored your concerns until his "friend" was aware of your knowledge of their messages.
His wife is making a big deal of nothing, however we must not let her husband find out.
In fact OW is distraught at the thought of her H finding out.
No doubt OW has been clear that this must stop.
H blames you for ending his fun.
H is not happy at not being in control-wife acts on her own accord, ditto OW who ends it.
He is not the decision-maker.
OW needs to be protected.
Wife needs to be punished (I agree with pp that you've nothing to worry about, apart from anything else they want to keep it all a secret so OW is hardly keen to make a statement about your phone call.)

I could go on but he's just so hypocritical, it must be difficult to accept this is the man you married. From just reading here he sounds like such a cliche. You however have come out of this with your dignity intact.

I hope you can get some legal advice to help you to decide on the next steps, and that you can move ahead in your own timescale.

Just my thoughts - feel free to ignore them...

Emerged from H that OW has not told her DH. She had been crying and stayed out drinking with a friend because she was scared I might have told her DH and she didn?t want to go home. So if she had nothing to hide why would she be so worried?

30 mins after I called OW, she called my H. Three hours later he started going on at me. Nice to know that he'd rather protect this woman than his own wife - I think he's shown where his priorities lie

He said that he would report me to my professional organisation for breaking data protection laws. As an information Secuity Professional - he's talking out of his arse!

He would call the police and get a restraining order against me to stop me calling OW. Sorry but the guy is a nut job trying to bully and scare you - don't let him, he doesn't have a leg to stand on

Joy, while his threats are completely ridiculous, the fact that he is making them is not one bit ok.

This is a nasty piece of work you are dealing with and I urge you to draw a line under the relationship and move on. One day you will look back and see your discoveries, both of the OW and his reaction to your discovery, as blessings in disguise.

It hurts like heck to be betrayed. The shock can paralyse you. Grieving the relationship, and all the 'might have beens', is painful. However, I think you should see this whole incident as a lifeline thrown to you and face all the pain and grief that is to come. And in time I think you will.

It is preferable by far to do this than to try to make a life with a man whose response to you over the last few days has been anger, threats, blame, selfishness, a massive display of entitlement for himself and contempt for you and your intelligence, and violent gestures.

Move on without closure or any acknowledgement of wrongdoing from him. Stop looking for truth.

The 'working truth' is that he has treated you with contempt and continues to do so, blatantly and without batting an eyelid. By 'working truth' I mean the essential facts that you need to base your decisions on.

Listen closely when people tell you who they are. He is telling you who he is.

Do not linger and allow yourself to be hurt even more by him.

Onefewernow

'Truly, although the original offense is not one which causes divorce in many households (my was far worse, all online too), I afraid you have learned through this that you have a much bigger problem with him.

He has demonstrated an almost pathological resilience to hearing any fault, he has minimised what he does admit, he has protected himself and OW over you, he has made you the villain, he has nearly physically hurt you and frightened you, he has controlled you, threatened twice in a few days to call the police, threatened your work security re calling your professional body, and more.

Not only has he not admitted all that you saw yourself with your own eyes.

This is who he is.'

YES, this is the situation in a nutshell.

Dear Husband,
As you have now threatened me with going to the police to get a restraining order, I feel I have no choice but to inform Mr.OW about what has been going on, if only to protect myself. Below is the email I am sending to Mr.OW

Dear Mr.OW,
I feel it incumbent upon me to give you this information as it seems unfair that everyone involved has this knowledge apart from you. It would seem that my H and your W have been conducting some kind of internet based flirtation/affair. He has been giving her advice as to how to cover her tracks so you can't see what she has been up to. Now that these two think they know what I have discovered, they are claiming that all is innocent and no wrong-doings have occurred. I have taken screen shots of the messages between them, but they still continue to deny.
I have spoken to your W and told her I think it only fair you should know what is going on. Unfortunately this has caused her great fear and distress and has caused my H to start making threats against me. I feel that their reaction tells us all we need to know.
Yours sincerely, Joy

If, Husband, you fail to admit what you have done, apologise profusely and then apologise again for the way you have reacted since my discovery, within ten minutes of receiving this email, I will have no hesitation in pushing the send button

The end.

A deliciously satisfying thought there, but I sincerely hope Joy won't get sucked into game playing and will just make solid plans to move on with her own life, leaving her H and his OW to enjoy their harmless fantasy together.

And I bet it won't be half as much fun for him when he's not going behind anyone's back.

Yes, I agree Math. Was getting carried away on a tide of annoyance directed at Joy's godawful H and his attempts to bully her. I should have made it clear that I was joking and not really suggesting she send these.

Joy my previous post was not meant to be taken as proper advice, just a gut reaction from me and best taken with a pinch of salt.

Fucking hell, Joy. He's fucking NUTS.

Cheeky bloody bastard.

How are you doing?

Oh, and if it's so harmless, let's bring OW's DH into it, shall we?!