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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

746 replies

JoySchtick · 20/03/2013 23:41

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

OP posts:
DorisIsWaiting · 28/03/2013 09:45

Hi Joy

I have been following your thread for a few days, and I have to say you have been so dignified and composed despite the amount of shit he is sending your way.

Everything he text last night is deflection , he doesn't want anything to stick on him - he's trying to be teflon man.

You have warned off the OW and they are running scared. If there was nothing wrong with the relationship (that until yesterday he denied all existence of) then there will be no problem in OWH knowing!

Keep on keeping on you will get through it.

Original poster
JoySchtick · 28/03/2013 09:58

Emerged from H that OW has not told her DH. She had been crying and stayed out drinking with a friend because she was scared I might have told her DH and she didn?t want to go home.
30 mins after I called OW, she called my H. Three hours later he started going on at me.
He said that he would report me to my professional organisation for breaking data protection laws. He would call the police and get a restraining order against me to stop me calling OW.

Previous relationship problems aside, I have enough on my plate now.

OP posts:
Angelico · 28/03/2013 09:59

Sorry it's come to this. He's a twat. Don't see any comeback from this really, not after the way he has reacted. Keep yourself safe - you're doing really well. Agree with what others have said - try and maintain the moral high ground. Tell yourself like a mantra - 'I have done nothing wrong.' He is an utter cunt if he thinks he has done nothing but harmless escapism. It harmed you his wife. I actually think he honestly hasn't seen that yet. Maybe you could spell it out for the emotional fuckwit.

Midwife99 · 28/03/2013 10:02

He's deluded!!! Unbelievable denial of the facts!!

Angelico · 28/03/2013 10:03

X-posted. He is talking shit. You haven't broken any laws. As for the OW - the soft side of me feels a bit sorry for her but the avenging angel side thinks - Good! These are the consequences of your actions! Live with them! He also can't take out a restraining order but I think you know that.

This is a man who isn't as clever and together as he likes to portray and who is shitting himself in the face of your strength of character. Think it's time he heard a few home truths. You've been a model of restraint so far. Just try and tell him calmly why he is so deeply out of order.

Angelico · 28/03/2013 10:05

Actually if this wasn't your actual life I would PMSL at the idea of him going to the police. 'Help! My wife wants to tell my OW's DH what we got up to. You can't let her! I'll get into twouble!!! Can't you tell her she's in twouble, not me???' Quivering lip...

Jengnr · 28/03/2013 10:06

He doesn't seem to care much about you does he?

Run for the hills!

onefewernow · 28/03/2013 10:09

Your prof body would just laugh. I've worked with heaps of them.

He wouldn't so it anyway. He's trying to intimidate you. He is far too arrogant to make such a prat of himself with your prof body.

Cares about her feeling a lot doesn't he? Quite the white knight on his charger.

Midwife99 · 28/03/2013 10:10

Poor poor twunt & his innocent lady friend! Naughty Joy harassing them like that!! Angry

ChasedByBees · 28/03/2013 10:11

Data protection laws and the police. Sorry but Grin I would have laughed in his face. He is grasping at straws.

More sobering though is he doesn't care about your feelings here.

ladyjadie · 28/03/2013 10:12

I think he's got some serious shit in his eyes if he thinks he can try to make you feel bad for this other idiot woman yet has no capacity to feel bad for hurting his hero of a wife.

It looks like your dignity in how you've dealt with this is going to go unnoticed by him, overshadowed by her crying, snivveling and drinking childish attention seeking . And SHE was part of the problem!

That must have killed any dribbles of remaining respect you may (probably didn't) have, that he seems to have sided against you, his WIFE, for the bit of fluff.

He sure knows how to pick out the bits of 'strong values' he likes from his religion eh Hmm

EverybodysSootyEyed · 28/03/2013 10:15

I don't know what your prof body is but mine would ask him why he was wasting his time.

The fact that he cares more about the impact on her in this situation shows that this was way more than just escapism. It is clearly an emotional affair and it having had the chance to make it physical doesn't make it right.

I don't think you need to tell the ow husband - she must be feeling like shit as she just doesn't know what's going to happen. If she were sensible she would get in first but ultimately they both know it is something they needed to hide for a reason.

I think you need to put your tenants on notice and sort out leaving. You are so much better than all of this.

thistlelicker · 28/03/2013 10:18

If this was as simple as Dh is making out, a mere joke as he called it, why such the heavy reaction from him? Ow didn't care
Much for her
Values when she also participated in extra marital messages !! They got caught. They want cake and crumbs!! I must say op 10/10 for u for the way u have handled the whole situation! In sure it's very easy to get caught up in anger and hatred! It's sad to see that Dh is more keen to protect ow and her family than salvage his marriage! That to me speaks volume! He has no respect for u or your marriage vows! Perhaps it was meant as a joke and escapism but clearly something's developed for such reaction from him!!!

Keep going op! Your heart will guide u! X

HavingAnOffDAy · 28/03/2013 10:19

I think you know all you need to know now - his main concern is protecting himself & OW.

Can you get away this weekend? I hate to think you being there with him over the long BH weekend. Apologies if you've covered this already.

Then see a solicitor early next week to establish your rights.

You are amazingly strong & can do this

AgathaF · 28/03/2013 10:19

A restraining order? On the basis of one phone call. Just a phone call to the police to set it up. His ignorance know no bounds.

I hope you're ok. From everything you have said, I think the best thing for you would be to walk away from this situation and relationship. Knowing that the fault is with him, knowing that he ruined your marriage, knowing that you have done nothing wrong. He has shown where his loyalty lies.

Ponyinthepool · 28/03/2013 10:20

Two very telling words in that ridiculously patronising text message:

'Selfishness' - how dare you stand up for yourself
'Harmless' - the harm he has caused you doesn't count

Plus the fact he lied when confronted and didn't come home immediately to grovel. There are lot of signs that he fundamentally sees you as subordinate - the tone of all of his messages is utterly belittling and entitled. He is expecting subservience even now.

What a piece of shit. Strength to you, OP.

Loulybelle · 28/03/2013 10:22

Omg!!!!!! This man is shitting himself big style, police, they'd piss themselves laughing, i think this man is on edge big time.

fraggletits · 28/03/2013 10:26

Yes second getting away over the bank holiday - you don't want to be stuck there with him for 4 days, what the hell else is he going to try and pin on you? Horrible bastard - leave, stay with friends or a hotel and see a solicitor next week x

SuzySuzSuz · 28/03/2013 10:29

Oh Joy, you're doing really well and keep your chin up.

He's like a toddler throwing his toys out the pram isn't he?! The police would laugh at his request for a restraining order, there simply are no grounds. Any professional bodies would not want to enter into this discussion, and how would he even evidence you breaking the data protection act?' "Yes here are all the Facebook messages to my OW which Joy must have accessed to discover what was going on"..... oh please!

OW has shat a brick as you've put a mirror up to what they were doing and she's seen it for the sordid, seedy EA it was, also she's probably now worried, a little too late, on what she stands to lose with her own family.

Your DH has not once admitted any wrong doing, not apologised, tried to turn every morsel back around to being your fault and his behaviours show he is more concerned with the OW even now. I imagine some concern may be for himself in case OW's husband finds out.

I hope being at work today is giving you some distraction and a little time to think about what YOU want to do next.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 28/03/2013 10:40

Well they are both behaving as if they are GUILTY. Why would they be so afraid and angry if absolutely nothing untoward were going on? He has obviously decided that the best form of defence is attack!

He is now threatening you.

He really shouldn't mess with you like this or it might tip you over into feeling that you simply have to tell her husband.

Little fucker, got caught out and doesn't like it that his wife is unafraid to stand up for herself. OW's marriage and her children are her responsibility and if she wants to play fast and loose with that, then that is her own affair.

Think she is learning a lesson though.

Bloody well done Joy! Grin

IslandMoose · 28/03/2013 11:04

Sorry to be dull, but do be a little careful if you consider contacting OW again. Harassment is, actually, a criminal offence if it might cause distress or alarm (see section 2 of the Protection from Harassment Act 1997).

Best of luck with the situation in general, though.

Xales · 28/03/2013 11:08

Stay calm and don't reply just like all the other times.

Can you get away to friends or family for the weekend.

And start looking for a place to live until you can get your flat back.

You will get through this. /hugs

TheSmallPrint · 28/03/2013 11:08

Joy, your DH is deluding himself into thinking he has done nothing wrong but he absolutely has. If the tables were turned what would he do?

Good luck, I hope you get some peace and calm this weekend.

And don't take anymore shit from him. Thanks

Lessthanaballpark · 28/03/2013 11:12

Just delurking to wish you well and enthuse at how strong you're being OP.

His anger and gaslighting is just a drowning man's attempt to deflect the blame onto you. Don't listen to any of it. You've done nothing wrong and have handled things with dignity and grace.

What I hate the most about his reaction is that he doesn't seem the least bit concerned about how you feel in this. Just him and the OW.

Stay strong!

wheredidiputit · 28/03/2013 11:21

Good luck and stay safe Joy.

For "innocent" people they are sure very nervous.