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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

746 replies

JoySchtick · 20/03/2013 23:41

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

OP posts:
QuintEggSensuality · 28/03/2013 07:46

The only possibly explanation (in my mind) I can see for this backlash is that the OW has confessed more to her husband than Joy knows, on the assumption that Joy knew more. Ow could have told her husband that they work together on projects, have been dining out and "dating", been physical. etc Because lets face it Joy, all you know are snippets from Facebook, but this is possibly just the top of the iceberg.
As for the "what would you said if I kissed you yesterday", could be more sinister than it sounds, if her husband was actually in the vicinity. Rather than an indication that they have not been physical, it could allude to something else. Just hypothesizing her, but it is odd that there is this reaction to you merely talking to her, unless she spoke to her husband believing you knew more. Just a though.

SocFish · 28/03/2013 07:50

I do have sympathy for Joy. absolutely.

The relationship is clearly shit. On both parts.

HE has disconnected? What about her?

We know nothing, except that he has been a total and utter dickhead. I'm certainly not defending him. He sounds like a prize dick, but I'm not convinced by the total innocence of Joy either.

Original poster
JoySchtick · 28/03/2013 07:53

I am trying to be calm although v v sad.

i know things are bad. I need to look after myself.

OP posts:
SocFish · 28/03/2013 07:58

Joy. Get some RL help. Move on. This will never work. I'm very sorry. It's hell, but you cannot consider anything other than leaving. It's not working for either of you.

Xales · 28/03/2013 08:08

Have you read the whole thread where he has had private passwords for over a year while Joy was made to feel bad for asking for one?

There has been a power imbalance in their relationship for at least that long.

If you are not sure of her innocence leave her thread to those of us who think he is a controlling man which as probably been messing around a lot of that time he was protected and which caused OP to disconnect.

I do agree the marriage is done for. All blame is being laid at Joys door for her 'unreasonable' actions!

AgathaF · 28/03/2013 08:13

Glad you are ok-ish.

SocFish · 28/03/2013 08:14

I'm not blaming anyone!

Where was the bit that he had been messaging for a year? I thought they had only just recently reconnected.

He's not a controlling man at all. Don't give him that ridiculous description when it's not worthy at all. He's a stupid, unfaithful, pathetic creature.

Chubfuddler · 28/03/2013 08:27

I don't think you've read the thread properly. He's allowed a secret password for the family PC but she isn't. Sounds controlling to me. The stuff about "his" car being "stolen". More controlling bullshit.

Midwife99 · 28/03/2013 08:31

Just delurked to say I have read the whole post & am thinking of you. You've been so strong & calm. Well done you! He must be squirming! I think he'll find sending sexually explicit messages to other women IS wrong & would count as unreasonable behaviour in a divorce petition! Idiot!

MistyKnight · 28/03/2013 08:32

Joy - de lurking to wish you bravery and gumption in what will undoubtably be a horrid few days. My exh announced his departure and denied that adultery was the reason. I found all the proof of an emotional and physical affair retrospectively a few weeks later and never had the opportunity to confront him about it, as by that stage everything was going through solicitors. Drafted love letters, filthy Internet history, notes from his career coach about making plans for divorce and new life, he even googled "why do I love (OW's name)". It all suddenly made sense.

Stay strong, stay calm and whatever you do, maintain the moral high ground so that you can't be painted as the villain. Gather any further proof you can and keep records of what he says and does. It will help tremendously if and when you find yourself needing to retell the story to a solicitor.

BOEUF · 28/03/2013 08:32

Yy, get some real life help now. Solicitor etc. MN can only be a sounding board, not a lifeline. You found a bright resourceful person: go and sort this out. You can report back if you want to, but you don't owe anybody an update- it's not a soap opera. Good luck.

SocFish · 28/03/2013 08:34

Oh Jesus Christ. maybe he is controlling. I'm not convinced at all. This is not a situation of domestic violence or control or EA or any such stuff. Joy is perfectly in control and a perfectly strong woman. Let's not all jump on the band wagon of portraying her as yet another hard done by woman when no such label is necessary.

They've been married for a mere two years and no children involved.

She sounds sane, strong and intelligent. Joy should just leave. I'm unconvinced by all this 'drama'.

SocFish · 28/03/2013 08:36

and totally unconvinced by the "extra" drama created by MN here.

Though I fucking LOVE mumsnet.

Portofino · 28/03/2013 08:39

God, he is unbelievable! What a complete twunt.

Xales · 28/03/2013 09:00

You don't think a man who make you feel unreasonable for wanting a password when it is fine for him to have one is controlling? Or a man who sends his wife a text saying have got my car or I am reporting it to the police when she has left him a note is controlling?

Maybe it is not as bad as some others are going through. It is still a subtle put down and letting her know who is boss.

Jengnr · 28/03/2013 09:04

Hi Amanda, I mean SocFish!

SocFish · 28/03/2013 09:05

She never said he had control over the password.

There's not "controlling" there unless Joy comes back and clarifies. My husband has total control over the passwords because he's and IT guru and does everything IT related for which I'm very grateful.

SocFish · 28/03/2013 09:05

there's "NO" I mean

Jengnr · 28/03/2013 09:06

It seems to me that he cares more about OW's feelings than Joy's but she cares more about her marriage than she does about him. I think he might find himself out in the cold very soon.

Shame.

Good luck Joy, you're doing brilliantly. Xx

Midwife99 · 28/03/2013 09:14

I disagree with everything you say Socfish - OP wanted to be able to change her password or also have access to his. He refused. He kept a secret password but was able to access & more importantly change hers whenever he wished controlling her Internet access but keeping his a secret.
When she tried to leave after he became threatening he grabbed her & broke her bag strap. He must have pulled pretty hard to manage to pull apart stitched leather.
Who cares whether it's only been 2 years or whether there are children? They are supposed to be in a committed relationship & it is not ok to send other women sexually explicit messages or arrange to meet up with them. The posters in this thread are not creating drama, in fact the reverse. They have helped OP stay calm, consider her actions carefully & not panic.

sarahjaye · 28/03/2013 09:18

SocFish, if you read the thread you'll find Joy explained about the password business...

"He put password protection on the computer sometime last year - it was when we got a new computer and we all, including DCs, got our own log ins.

DH is admin on the computer and he set the password on my account, so he can see my stuff if he should want to and I can't see his. When I asked if I could set my own password, because if he can have privacy then so can I, he said no."

BOEUF · 28/03/2013 09:21

So are there children involved, or aren't there? Confused

Xales · 28/03/2013 09:26

He has complete control the passwords Hmm how did you miss that or are you deliberately saying this?

HavingAnOffDAy · 28/03/2013 09:34

Wow, I can't believe the audacity of the man! Well, actually I can but only because he's like so many others Angry

Like someone else up thread said - you haven't actually contacted OW's DH so what the fuck is he talking about?

They are the ones that have 'potentially done irreparable damage to several innocent parties'

'This incident was an innocent exchange between 2 people who have a lot of issues in their lives and who engaged in harmless escapism. WTF? Harmless to whom?

Her values meant she could never hurt her family and my values mean infidelity is never an option. You by your actions have crossed that line, with no consideration for XXs children or husband. This makes me really angry - blaming you for any potential hurt etc that THEY have caused. Wanker. And don't even start on her values

My DH is a total twunt but I don't think even he would try totally reversing a situation like this & blaming me to this extent.

Get out, fast. There is no way to move past this. He's a ...words actually fail me Angry

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/03/2013 09:40

Okay it is helpful to have another point of view as expressed by SocFish because if one person can read this thread and still think there must be more to it, others might as well.

Personally I accept what the OP tells us and think her H has tried and failed to spice up his life with some tawdry bit on the side. Now it's all come crashing round his head he won't admit to anything and attempts to brazen it all out.