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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

746 replies

JoySchtick · 20/03/2013 23:41

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

OP posts:
MooMooSkit · 27/03/2013 23:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

NishiNoUsagi · 27/03/2013 23:13

Oh Joy, he really is a laughable, laughable loser, isn't he Sad

"Your selfishness"?? [angru} If I'm reading this right, you've contacted the OW, you haven't contacted her H yet (so I'm assuming at this point in time he doesn't know?), so how has anything you've done harmed anybody? Unlike him, whose utterly selfish actions have hurt you and seem to have put the OW in a very awkward position. HIS actions have put her in that position, NOT yours. Saying (repeatedly) that you wished you could have kissed someone an innocent message from a married man? As for that bullshit about ethical values and family commitments... words fail me. Well, non-sweary words fail me anyway.

I still can't see how you have done anything to hurt OW or her children - together they put themselves in that position, and he has hurt you immensely on top of that, yet he has the nerve to talk about you crossing lines and overstepping marks. He's just grasping at ever more mental straws now.

If it was all "just a bit of a laugh", how would it possibly cause so much damage?
How the hell has he gone from "I'm being selfish, I'm ruining a marriage.." to blaming you?

Joy, it must be horrible to see him behaving like this. I'm glad you're here for support so he can no way convince you that any of this is your fault. He is a total twat.

NishiNoUsagi · 27/03/2013 23:15

Ahem. [angru} should be Angry
It's really hard to type through a red mist! Smile

MidnightMasquerader · 27/03/2013 23:20

Just a reminder Joy, that all you have done is ask her to do the decent (unrecognisable concept for her, clearly) thing and tell her husband; you haven't told her husband (or anyone else) and you haven't even threatened to tell her husband.

And yet your 'D'H has unleashed the canons on you, in response to that...

It's completely fucked up, it really is. You are, unfortunately, getting a loud and clear message from him. I'm sorry he is such an inherently awful person, and you're having to deal with the fallout.

Boosterseat · 27/03/2013 23:20

Incredulous for you Joy.

What a class A twat.

I'm not even sure he is deluded, he's a rat in a trap.

Are you going to her DH?

Snazzynewyear · 27/03/2013 23:21

He's texting about your selfishness and his ethics and family values? FFS I have never heard anything so ridiculous. And as for 'Why? Why? Why?' has he been reading/writing particularly bad poetry lately? He sounds like a bad am dram actor in my head.

IMO there are two possible responses to that text:

  • No reply at all. Ignore, ignore, ignore (make that your personal mantra in the way that 'Why? Why? Why?' seems to have become his.
  • 'Please direct all future communications through my solicitors'.

Seriously, don't waste your time dealing with someone who has such a fundamental lack of integrity and self-knowledge. Time to take the high road and start on living a better life without him.

ChasedByBees · 27/03/2013 23:38

Just read this. So - you were being ridiculous and over reacting at messages which were clearly a joke, but if you share that joke you're putting someone's marriage at risk? So which is it? Are these messages things which can potentially ruin a marriage or just some harmless fun? Because they can't be both.

He is an arse BTW.

melezka · 27/03/2013 23:38

'Why? Why? Why?'
He's been listening to CeeLo again hasn't he?
And even CeeLo knows he sounds silly.

onefewernow · 27/03/2013 23:43

Oh, golf clubs at the ready AND advice to OW on how to cheat on her h so he doesn't find out, and how to cover her tracks.

Jesus, you couldn't make it up.

I swear this man is a natural. He's done it before, and got away with it.

And I just love jus disappointed paternalistic tone.

Not to mention the near violence under threat of your disobedience on Friday in daring to disbelieve him.

Dear oh dear.

I almost wish Eggyfucker was still up. She's have a coronary.

WinterMymble · 27/03/2013 23:58

Joy you are awesome. Full of bravery class and, yes, grace.

Please ltb. He is seriously delusional to send a text like that. And frankly a scary bully - I am v uneasy about how he broke the bag. Please stay safe. X

Teeb · 28/03/2013 00:00

Never said this before, but leave the bastard. He just sounds like a nasty piece of work quite frankly, while you are a witty, articulate woman who shouldn't be around a waste of space like that any longer.

Sailormercury · 28/03/2013 04:25

He and his OW are absolutely vile. I hope you're ok Brew

Chubfuddler · 28/03/2013 05:07

You'll go stir crazy trying to 1) get him to admit the full extent of everything that has gone on 2) get him to accept personal responsibility for his actions.

He isn't going to joy. Hell will freeze over first.

This isn't a criminal trial. You don't have to satisfy his burden of proof to justify your feelings of hurt, anger and betrayal. You know what you know. I don't think forgiveness and repair are really possible here as he has no intention of admitting what has happened and working with you to rebuild your relationship. So. It's a simple choice.

Do you let it slide, and he carries on behaving like this on and off, chucking occasional Mont Blanc pens and other pointless material things your way.

Or do you leave.

It's one or the other sadly. You aren't with a man who is going to realise he has majorly fucked up and put in the hours to fix this. That text tells you everything about his attitude you need to know.

mathanxiety · 28/03/2013 05:23

Joy, though you may feel wobbly and afraid to rush to judgement and all that, that text looks to me like the ultimate dealbreaker.

You are only two years into marriage that he says he values so highly, and you have another two years before that when you and he were presumably in the thick of passion together. Four years is not enough to want to salvage after that anger and blame and all the crap you have had thrown at you since you first posted. Cut your losses.

You know everything you need to know about this pathetic, delusional sadarse. Just be thankful you learned it while you are able to up sticks and not have to consider children.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 28/03/2013 05:27

What a Grade A shit he is! I think I would be out of there without a backward glance.

He looks like a total fool as well as he was giving her advice on covering her tracks and it was him who got found out... ha ha!

I don't say this often, but LTB.

ArtVandelay · 28/03/2013 06:11

Joy, I've lurked on your thread hoping that your H would be decent. I'm just posting now to send my virtual support to you.

That sms he sent you is pompous and ridiculous, short of him having a neurological illness, I couldn't excuse this or his other behaviours.

You sound immensely strong and intelligent. Good luck, Joy.

ProphetOfDoom · 28/03/2013 06:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SocFish · 28/03/2013 07:17

Joy

I am IN NO WAY condoning your husband's behaviour. I think your relationship is sunk, but I definitely think you have played a part in the downfall. And perhaps a lot more than you are letting on here.

If I found my husband secretly reading "Should I stay, or Should I go", I'd very much doubt he was that invested in our relationship.

How soul destroying to find your spouse reading a book like that.

Why do you want to stay with him? You were obviously considering leaving anyway? Why all this attention seeking?

AgathaF · 28/03/2013 07:35

"You really overstepped the mark". You did? You?

What the fuck does he think he did?

Deluded twat.

Xales · 28/03/2013 07:38

SocFish you don't think Joy may have been reading that book as her H has disconnected as he has emotionally put his emotional energies in to another woman and tried to arrange to meet her at the expense of putting into his wife and marriage? He will have been doing that a while, maybe as long as they have had issues as it is probably the cause.

She is reading that book because he has disconnected not he is contacting other women because she brought that book.

If that upset him he should have knocked the sexy flirting with another woman on the head and talked like an adult about their marriage.

OP first posts are about how she hopes he realises what he has done and they can sort their marriage.

OP has said there were issues in their relationship not hard to see why when he lies through his teeth, blames her and tries to get in other women's pants so she read a book to try and help herself get to the bottom of it.. Her H says there were issues so he tries to get in another woman's pants.

Funny both you and he are saying how hurt he would be over a self help book. Not how devastated OP would be to find her H trying to meet another woman.

something2say · 28/03/2013 07:40

Not entirely sure that's fair. From the way he sounds, I wouldn't think he is that nice to her so why not read a book about the future of the relationship? He has then iced the cake by having this inline flirtation and the resulting behaviour clarity....

That book may simply have been Joys way of thinking things through. Nd I would say she needed to, based on what's come to light now.

Joy, are you alright?? Loads from everyone else but not from yow xxxx

Xales · 28/03/2013 07:40

Joy it is amazing what they give up when you stay silent.

He again reiterate that he wouldn't have an affair because he is too moral when you have hard proof he tried to and never actually said he did...

fraggletits · 28/03/2013 07:41

Socfish I've read Lundy Bancroft and am still in my marriage. It's because of having nagging doubts about behaviour, about looking for explanations for things.

I'm still here because things haven't come to a head yet like they have for Joy. We don't know everything that has been going on in her marriage obviously but I certainly don't think she's attention seeking now.

Hope you're ok Joy

Original poster
JoySchtick · 28/03/2013 07:43

mornng - v quickly to say that i am fine and I am at work.

he came home and ranted. I was safe.

thank you all so much. talk later

OP posts:
ArtVandelay · 28/03/2013 07:45

Hmmm... If I found my husband reading should I stay or should I go then I think I would probably just ask him what he was reading it for. It wouldn't really occur to me to start facebooking sex messages to people :)

Anyway, half that title is should I stay - so that says to me its a helping book. Should the Op not work at keeping her relationship healthy?

It sounds like the relationship was not perfect anyway, but then whose is? No excuses for Mr Schtick.