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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

746 replies

JoySchtick · 20/03/2013 23:41

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

OP posts:
JoySchtick · 27/03/2013 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whethergirl · 27/03/2013 22:35

Gobsmacked.

GoodtoBetter · 27/03/2013 22:36

Just delurking to say...God, what a twat he is.

whethergirl · 27/03/2013 22:37

If I wasn't so shocked at his audacity, the bit where he talks about their "ethical values and family commitments" would have made me roar with laughter.

Bessie123 · 27/03/2013 22:37

Words fail me. What an utterly stupid cunt

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/03/2013 22:38

Took a while to compose that, perhaps OW helped if not out looking for the family pet.

melezka · 27/03/2013 22:39

Yes. That is why she did not even sound slightly surprised when you rang her. Because of her ethical values.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

TheEasterBunnyVsTheKids · 27/03/2013 22:40

Maybe report your post op, and ask for her name t be censored, just in case.

Otherwise, I agree with everyone else, your H is a twat of the first order. I hope you are still arranging your particulars, and planning to leave?

MidnightMasquerader · 27/03/2013 22:41

Good lord...

He does actually think this is all your fault, doesn't he?! Confused

Time for him to seriously cop on.

Loulybelle · 27/03/2013 22:42

What fecking planet does that man think hes on, OP i think this one is LTB situation now.

EggyFucker · 27/03/2013 22:44

No surprises there

he is racking up the Blame Game

pay no mind, Joy

DragonMamma · 27/03/2013 22:46

Fucking hell.

He's seriously deluded.

Eurgh. Such a cunt.

Hattie23 · 27/03/2013 22:48

Oh my. Had to add my voice of support for you Joy. That text is just...just... words fail me.
Stay safe. I doubt I can help but am in SE London if I can be of any use.

onefewernow · 27/03/2013 22:48

He hadnt fucked her so it was acceptable? What a twat. A self righteous twat in denial.

He actually has NO IDEA how far it would have gone. Most unfaithful people start at A and expect to get to B OR C at most. They justify each step as the adrenaline flows. They usually end up at Z.

Read Shirley Glass. Well researched, not some googled crap.

I'm sad for you, because this man is UNABLE to take responsibility.

I would now talk to his first wife too. It will all be there, no doubt.

Do not, please do not, blame yourself.

I have been on MN since Nov 2011 when getting advice on my own h's many online flings. Therefore I have seen now hundreds of threads on this subject. I have heard of men as unwilling to admit or confess- my own was one.

But I have never heard of one who was so self righteous and blaming if the victim.

Poor you x

ja9 · 27/03/2013 22:50

Huge sympathies. Just wanted to say I am thinking of you. Hoping you're managing to get some sleep and everything isn't swimming about in your head keeping you awake.

candyandyoga · 27/03/2013 22:50

Move on and find a decent man. He has serious issues. He doesn't sound right in the head.

Seriously, don't waste any more time on this lowlife.

Original poster
JoySchtick · 27/03/2013 22:51

Deleted post without real names......

Just got this text from him:

^You really overstepped the mark. Your selfishness has potentially done irreparable damage to several innocent parties. I am the sole person you need to deal with. This incident was an innocent exchange between 2 people who have a lot of issues in their lives and who engaged in harmless escapism. The ethical values and family commitments of myself and XX meant nothing would ever spill over into real life. Her values meant she could never hurt her family and my values mean infidelity is never an option. You by your actions have crossed that line, with no consideration for XXs children or husband. Why? Why? Why? Nothing happened and nothing would have happened. Why? Why? Why?^

Off to bed.

(thank you for heads up. sorry)

OP posts:
Bessie123 · 27/03/2013 22:51

He is seriously deluded and his ego must be the size of a planet. If I were in your situation I don't think I would even bother trying to work it out with him he is obviously too narcissistic to be capable of any meaningful discussion.

melezka · 27/03/2013 22:52

I've heard of cosplay and seen some serious costumes but the golf clubs were a serious prop for a "harmless fantasy" game.

I call serious bullshit. Do not accept even a speck of this spraying anywhere near you.

whethergirl · 27/03/2013 22:55

Joy, are you ok?

Mrsgorgeous · 27/03/2013 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

watchingout · 27/03/2013 22:58

What an arse.

fraggletits · 27/03/2013 22:58

Another one just stepping out of Lurkdom to lend support Joy.

Stay clear, stay focussed - don't get sucked in and believe anything he says. You are not the selfish one, you have merely uncovered their affair and you won't have the piss taken out of you.

The dream scenario? Go for their jugulars, send everything you've got to her H (if you can?), get an appointment with a family law solicitor and drop fuck faces car keys down a drain on your way.

I'm so sorry for your pain. you sound just brilliant Joy - it's gonna be ok x

CheeseAndMushroomToastie · 27/03/2013 23:02

He is such a cock. Sending you positive vibes OP and wishing you strength to get through this shit patch of your life.

Again, what a cock. Angry

watchingout · 27/03/2013 23:03

I second MrsG. An emotional affair is just as damaging as a physical affair. Maybe even more so, cos no-one can claim " I was drunk. I didn't know what I was doing..."

Wonder if its the same OW?!