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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

746 replies

JoySchtick · 20/03/2013 23:41

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

OP posts:
Original poster
JoySchtick · 27/03/2013 21:29

I am going to make some herbal tea. It's what won the war you know.

OP posts:
onefewernow · 27/03/2013 21:30

Fair enough. Well dial 99 and then add the third 9 if he lays a hand on you.

onefewernow · 27/03/2013 21:31

Or arrange to meet him away from him eg local cafe or pub

onefewernow · 27/03/2013 21:32

Or scream like fuck.

Boosterseat · 27/03/2013 21:34

Enjoy your Brew Joy, while he stews over your next move, he really is reeling isn't he now the balance of power has shifted!

You still hold all the cards.Please stay safe, strong and keep posting.

ProphetOfDoom · 27/03/2013 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JoySchtick · 27/03/2013 21:42

perhaps he'd like to engage that little known emotion - his conscience - and stop deflecting blame on you who's discovered her husband has betrayed her in the most hurtful of ways, and start behaving with some responsibility and self-honesty.

indeed - that is clearly a very unpalatable thought for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoySchtick · 27/03/2013 21:45

something I was on the verge of it but I think I will stay here and see how it goes.

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 27/03/2013 21:47

Good luck Smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/03/2013 21:49

He has had an earful from OW. Perhaps he fears her H will show up and confront him. Be dressed with shoes or boots on for a quick exit. Keep your phone on you. If you get the impression he has been drinking, dutch courage perhaps, do not put yourself at risk.

If as suggested above, he complains about you upping the ante needlessly, turn what he said back to him. If it was all innocent why is he even discussing it now? Why would she be upset? How could her marriage be at risk? More to the point why does he care and why does he think you would?

Any talk of stalking or bunny boiler possessiveness, any counter claim that you must have a guilty conscience to suspect him of such a thing, ask him quietly if that really is all he has to say. Sometimes not filling a conversational gap forces them to fill it.

He will feel embarrassed and thwarted and possibly fearful of OW's H. If he shows any physical or verbal intimidation, go.

Original poster
JoySchtick · 27/03/2013 21:54

I can't resist sharing this. On OW's FB page today she wrote, 'the dog has just escaped'. So apt, seeing as things have certainly run out of control for them.

I think they are panicking their little pants off.

What they need is a safe, supportive chat board type of environment where they can reflect and get some perspective.

OK, Joy, stop gloating

OP posts:
Original poster
JoySchtick · 27/03/2013 21:57

I agree that he has probably had either an earful or a terrified, teary call from OW.

Boots at the ready.

OP posts:
something2say · 27/03/2013 21:59

One right up his arse perhaps ??

melezka · 27/03/2013 22:00

I have read thread but maybe I missed it - why isn't he at home with you, trying to convince you to stay with him, rather than telling you things are very very serious and not being by your side?

Sorry maybe I missed something here - ?

Original poster
JoySchtick · 27/03/2013 22:03

Grin something you made me snort.

melezka I don't know the answer to your question above ^^. But I did like being described as having grace. Thank you.

OP posts:
Hissy · 27/03/2013 22:03

So the dog's escaped, AND the Cat's out of the bag.

Bit careless with her pets isn't she...

ProphetOfDoom · 27/03/2013 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

melezka · 27/03/2013 22:05

Fnarrrrr Hissy

I aim for grace, very rarely achieve it, hence my awe at grace and a nice turn of phrase in such trying circumstances Smile

Original poster
JoySchtick · 27/03/2013 22:23

He is not back so far. I am going to lie down and close my eyes for a bit.

I can't log on to MN from my iPhone for some reason and I don't like to do it at work. If I only do a very brief update in the morning that will be why.

I wouldn't want you to worry.

I'll have my boots by the bed but I don't feel frightened now. I can see it is mostly bluster.

OP posts:
melezka · 27/03/2013 22:25

Will check on you in the morning then.

You are great.

Xales · 27/03/2013 22:25

Stay safe and I hope you get some rest.

watchingout · 27/03/2013 22:30

De-lurking to say sleep/snooze well.

Remember YOU can set the timetable for any discussions. Don't feel you have to do this tonight. Where is he FFS?! Hoping he can catch you out in stressed out/sleep deprived mode? If he does come back, you can calmly tell him you'll discuss this in the morning. Maybe. Thanks

Jojay · 27/03/2013 22:32

Marking my place

Joy, you are an inspiration! Stay strong and sleep well x

TheEasterBunnyVsTheKids · 27/03/2013 22:32

Stay safe and get some sleep :)

whethergirl · 27/03/2013 22:33

So now it's serious all of a sudden? And you're the unreasonable one for contacting her? Is he attempting a world record at irony?

Idiot. All I can say is, at least his true colours are shining through and he is not trying to confuse you with bullshit (speaking from experience...you sound too smart for that anyway)

You're fab, Joy. You'll be fine and you'll have a much better life without him. He's the type to just roll around in his own shit for years and blame the smell on someone else.