My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

[JoySchtick]

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

he sounds scared actually, while pretending to be angry.

I think she has been on the phone to him crying about the risk you pose to her marriage and he wants to have a go at you for upsetting her.....that's how it reads to me.....

don't know when he will be home.

the other night, monday, when i confronted him was first time he got physical. it was not good. he didn't back away when i asked him to, so that i could pick up my bag. followed me upstairs and started telling me how i goaded him and i didn't know how irritating i was. it felt very wrong to me and i realised that if i wanted to get out i would have nowhere local to go.

Joy, calm down

What are you saying ?

you have jeopardised your marriage ???

no, you haven't

he has been messaging other women in a sexual manner

that isn't compatible with a monogamous partnership

are you forgetting that in your panic ?

why are you frightened ?

you haven't sounded frightened before...if he turns up and threatens you, call the police

YOUR putting a marriage at risk!!!

That takes the bloody biscuit, that does!!

Eggy, isn't she quoting the messages??

EF

Those are the messages he left for me. sorry wasn't very clear in my typing.

I do need to calm down.

Yes, I realise she is quoting the messages, and I am countering them as she should be (in her head....no way should she be responding)

She chose to send messages to your H not you. You did not force her or him to do this. They chose it. Her H could have found out about it all without your intervention. You haven't said you will tell her H just that she should.

You haven't done anything wrong.

The tell/don't tell OW's H is like marmite. Some are for it some hate it.

I think OW is freaking out and has asked him to make me stop.

how nice for them both if i just jolly well shut up.

started telling me how i goaded him and i didn't know how irritating i was. it felt very wrong

Have only been watching, amazed at your grace and strength. Still all that - but now I am worried.

Joy you have put nothing or nobody at risk.

She has. He has.

If they have done nothing wrong THEY HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR.

What risk is it to her marriage if it is just boredom, as you say?

They started an emotional affair and all three of you know it. If he does, so what ? That puts all four in the know.

Please stop blaming yourself for his shit. It is just worry and fear. Which you shouldn't have.

Stay strong. You have been so clearheaded up to this point, where he has made you frightened.

Don't let him control you, or her.

You have done NOTHING wrong.

Sorry just re read that.

He doesn't seem to care much about your marriage at risk does he? It is all about hers

Any risk to OW's relationship is far more important than any upset to me - clearly.

Yes it is. Do you still think he is going to come clean and this is retrievable?

Exactly Joy!

you are all helping so much.

If he does come home try and keep yourself between the phone and him ( LL )
If he does become aggressive just pick it up and hit 999 asap, even if you dont speak they will call back or send a car round , eventually.
Hope it doesnt come to that , I really do.

Do you have anyone next door to keep an ear out for you?

If you are really frightened leave , go to a hotel. If you are not there it will diffuse the immediate situation and you can get some sleep without worrying if he comes in drunk at midnight ranting.

happily i have emailed the messages to a very safe address.

Joy have the phone in your back pocket and if he won't let you get away, start dialling in your pocket if you can, just 999 and give them your location immediately, don't waste time xxxxx. After that, or if you end up leaving without calling the police, go to a local hotel. Xxxxxxxx

Well flame me, but if he hit me first, and I was fearful, then I would kick him in the nuts. Then phone the police.

Violence is intolerable but female self defence is not. In my view. Not that I have any experience mind you.

i am planning to keep my mobile in pocket. it is charged.

starting to feel calmer.

I do find ranting very difficult - and especially having little hooks thrown out to reel me in and embroil me in a fight. That is very stressful to me.

Most perpetrators will then deny they hit first, but oh look at these injuries from her!!!! Most victims will admit what they did.

No hitting perpetrators, ladies xx. They are dangerous in many ways xx

Joy do you not think you might want to take off now to an hotel somewhere? Sitting waiting for it must be a nightmare. Why not take the bull by the horns, get out of there and only come back when you are ready, or tomorrow when he is likely to be calmer?