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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH is conducting a flirty private message chat on Facebook - not with me!

746 replies

JoySchtick · 20/03/2013 23:41

I saw on my DH's Facebook messages that he has been flirting with a woman - 'ooh you're so sexy', 'you're very cute', she putting kisses on messages.

It is definitely in no way innocent and just friends but I really don't think they have DTD. It all seems like the beginning of something rather than that they have gone the whole way.

I had an inkling there was something not right and so I snooped.

I do not have any DCs - he does, not with me, from a previous relationship.

I feel weirdly calm and shaky at the same time but what do I do?

Do I confront him? But that could just mean that he is more careful to hide it in future. I don't want to bust in all guns blazing - I want to do what is right for me! I just don't know what my options are.

I hate lies and I can't cope with them at all.

Advice anyone?

OP posts:
Xales · 27/03/2013 20:27

Hand squeeze here. Not much use I know. /hugs

Original poster
JoySchtick · 27/03/2013 20:27

What if he comes home and starts shouting and maybe even worse?

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 27/03/2013 20:28

Holding your hand from here...

You have done the right thing imo

Original poster
JoySchtick · 27/03/2013 20:28

His tone sounded like 'right, you have played right into my hands'. it didn't sound like genuine anger.

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 27/03/2013 20:28

If he does that, call the police

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 27/03/2013 20:29

Anyone you can call?

Original poster
JoySchtick · 27/03/2013 20:30

I am ignoring. I'm feeling really scared.

Maybe I should just ring and find out the worst. Maybe he won't come home (brightens)

OP posts:
Xales · 27/03/2013 20:30

You leave or if you feel threatened you call the police. Keep your phone close to you. You do not have to accept any mistreatment at all.

Original poster
JoySchtick · 27/03/2013 20:31

Shipwrecked I'm in a v bad position in that we live in London commuter belt and all my friends etc in London.

No one near here I know.

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 27/03/2013 20:31

Don't ring!

My gut feeling is that this would be playing into his hands!

Do you have a RL friend you can go to?

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 27/03/2013 20:31

Xpost!

Shame!

Ahhhcrap · 27/03/2013 20:32

Turn it back on him... If he's annoyed you contacted her, just tell him 'well you said it wasn't anything serious and I was over reacting, so as its completely innocent, then I didn't think you'd have a problem with me either talking to her, or her telling her DH' or words to that effect.

Xales · 27/03/2013 20:33

Calling could be he just shouts at you and is nasty over the phone so you can judge whether to be there when he gets home or not. That is safer than if he stews, comes home and explodes.

Unfortunately you do not see his face/actions to know if he is lying to you more.

onefewernow · 27/03/2013 20:33

Oh fuck him Joy, he isn't your dad. At this late stage I would let him talk first, or shout, if he prefers.

Than say you must be clear by now that I have far more evidence than you have been aware so far. Will you tell me in your own words what you have done?

Leave space.

If he blusters I would finally tell him that if you have to tell him, rather than him admit, then you will call a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Do say this WHETHER YOU INTEND TO OR NOT.

I bet money he will then cave. If not, start those moves. Believe me, he will spill when he sees you taking action to end the relationship.

Ps it is his car but your joint house. Also your legal home. He can't throw you out.

If he tries tell him you will call the police.

Prepare to be surprised how far he shifts once this plan is in action.

Mine caved after nearly 6 years of lies and crap and denials of his adultery, once I took this sort of firm action.

EggyFucker · 27/03/2013 20:33

Stay right where you are

If he turns up and is verbally or physically aggressive, call the police

Original poster
JoySchtick · 27/03/2013 20:36

OK. Will stay here. Will get fleeing bag ready just in case.

I know he has lied to me. I don't give a toss about finding out much more.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoySchtick · 27/03/2013 20:37

Don't think they had got to physical as one of latest messages was 'what would you have done if I had kissed you last night as I wanted to'.

Also H kept insisting that this was a woman he had met once in 18 years.

He was very keen on that bit of the conversation. Kept returning to it.

OP posts:
Snazzynewyear · 27/03/2013 20:40

Don't ring.

onefewernow · 27/03/2013 20:41

I wasn't suggesting digging for more. Get him to admit what you know to be true. He has not admitted it yet, has he?

onefewernow · 27/03/2013 20:43

Or given how far it has gone, tell him, if he doesn't admit it.

If I had to do that I would have to leave. It's bad enough to hold out on the truth, but to never admit is show you he thinks you are a fool.

Which you are most certainly not.

onefewernow · 27/03/2013 20:46

And you should NOT be frightened. He is just a man, not god.

My h was a worse shit than yours, but I have never once feared him, in 20 years.

If you have fear, after 2, even once, tomorrow ask yourself why.

something2say · 27/03/2013 21:05

Just wanted to stick my oar in to say I am here too Joy. Keep posting xxxx

SerotoninCanEatTomorrow · 27/03/2013 21:05

when will he be home Joy?

AgathaF · 27/03/2013 21:08

It is worrying that you are frightened. Has he been violent before? Keep your phone to hand and make sure it is charged.

Original poster
JoySchtick · 27/03/2013 21:08

right. have stuff to grab in flight if needed. was in pyjamas before Blush and it is cold outside.

he has called about 8 times on my mobile and also on landline.

i am being selfish. i'm putting a marriage at risk and there are children involved. i don't know what i have done. i've taken this to a new level.

it was just two bored people exchanging messages, a bored housewife. this is very, very serious and i can't do this kind of thing.

OP posts: