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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

wwyd - man with a past

87 replies

chocolatecakeystuff · 20/03/2013 21:39

I've been 'getting to know' a guy, I met about w month ago.
From the get go I was instantly attracted to him. He was nice, we get on really well & have a great time.

We agreed to go on a date, although haven't actually been yet (both been busy) we have seen each other nearly every day since we met.

However, village life being village life word got around I was spending time with him. My ex pulled one of my friends aside and told them it would all end in tears...

Que this new guy telling me he has a bit of a 'past' long story short, there was an incident with an ex 3 years ago, where the police were involved. She hit him, he hit her back.

Talking to my ex... this guy also has some issues with sex (he's not really into it because he thinks he's rubbish in bed) but I'm not overly worried about that, can be easily solved.

My friends that know this guy, have said its in the past & not toworry about it. My friends that don't know him say to steer well clear.

I really do genuinly like this guy.... but having been violent on this occasion in the past.... should I just steer clear completly, I've never experienced this kind of thing before so I'm not sure what to do?

Can men change? He seemed to genuinly regret what happened... but who knows?

OP posts:

EggyFucker · 20/03/2013 21:41

I would never get involved with a man that had previous police involvement for violence

There are other men

Leave this one where you found him

annh · 20/03/2013 21:47

Also, what do you mean - he has issues with sex but you're not worried because that can be easily solved? How do you know that? His issues might be a lot more complex that you seem to think. Could you live without sex if you ended up in a relationship with him?

pictish · 20/03/2013 21:48

Hell no!

CATSNDOGS · 20/03/2013 21:49

I wouldn't feel comfortable. I would feel a bit shitty about making such a snap judgement but on balance of probabilities, I would say I wouldn't want to get that close.

VerySmallSqueak · 20/03/2013 21:51

I would keep well away.

Original poster

chocolatecakeystuff · 20/03/2013 22:04

I'm taking my time getting to know him... if you get what I mean.

From what I know, the issue with sex is... how on earth do I say it without sounding aweful... but umm it doesn't last very long. Its something we've talked about a little bit (but most of the information came from an ex so could be hearsay)
Tbh I can cope without lots of sex as longas there was intimacy in other ways, but really think all he needs is a confidence boost in that area (have seen it with men before)

My main concern is this one incident withan ex. However.... he has had 2 girlfiends since and dosent appear to have been an issue with them... but who knows? They might have kept quiet aboutit.

I just don't know what to think? If he's done it once he could do it again...

But then I think if I had someone hit me idprobably hit them bavk too.

I don't know if it makes any difference... but before this incident she actually put him in hospital. Maybe I'm just making excuses for him by thinking because it wasn't just one sided & he retaliated once, that makes it ok... but its not really is it?

OP posts:

LemonPeculiarJones · 20/03/2013 22:07

I would steer clear. You'd find yourself wondering just when his violent temper might flare up.

And the notion that the sex issue is easily solved is very naive. It could be deep rooted.

Both bits of information suggest a problem with intimacy with women.

However - your ex told you about the sex issue, might he be bullshitting?

The DV is enough on its own for you to walk away, whether he is or he isn't.

BMW6 · 20/03/2013 22:12

"She hit him, he hit her back"
I'm with Judge Judy on this. The Sexes are equal. She was the agressor. He was quite within his rights to hit back.
Violent temper my arse,
See him.

EggyFucker · 20/03/2013 22:12

Are you a sex therapist ?

Have a magic fanjo ?

You are giving yourself rather a lot of credit for being able to "cure" his erection problems.

I wouldn't go into a relationship with so many negative vibes at the beginning. Do you have "rescuer" tendencies ? It sounds like you see him as a project. You may come to regret that very much.

Cherriesarelovely · 20/03/2013 22:13

I was also wondering how on earth it came up in conversation with your ex that this man thought he wasn't very good at sex!

I would also be very wary of the violence issue although it is possible that he and his wife were both violent towards each other. I know a couple like this, they both drink heavily and then argue violently. They admit it is both of them and that they have a very volatile relationship.

Impossible to say as we don't know him and none of us were there. In short though it would bother me a great deal to know this about someone and I would be very cautious.

LemonPeculiarJones · 20/03/2013 22:21

Whether or not both he and his wife were volatile, or that's a load of bollocks and it was purely him being violent, he was still violent enough for the police to be called. Whether the ex was or wasn't 'at fault' is irrelevant.

ClippedPhoenix · 20/03/2013 22:30

Eww no OP. Think you know enough to steer clear here.

You're already thinking about solving his problems.

I personally don't want anyone with "problems.

Cherriesarelovely · 20/03/2013 22:36

I agree with you lemon, I am in no way condoning someone behaving in a violent way towards their partner (or anyone else).

Original poster

chocolatecakeystuff · 20/03/2013 22:39

Police were called by next door.... but main reason they responded with rapid response & in numbers is because he has a fire arms licence. (Guns were locked away as should be at the time) and he wasn't arrested (she was tho)

I don't know I can solve the sex issues
But seeing as its not looking like it will ever get that far like I said I'm not worried about it for the moment.

My ex & I see each other a lot unfortunatly. He's an arse & likes being the centre of attention. (Followed me & this other guy into town the other week) so no I'm not taking what he's said as absoloute truth.
But being in a village... you hear things. Everyone knows everything about everyone else, no sodding secrets here.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 20/03/2013 22:41

I am more concerned that you are discussing your possible new mans sexual problems with your ex. Forget his issues, I think you need to deal with your own boundary issues first!

pictish · 20/03/2013 22:44

Tbh I can cope without lots of sex as longas there was intimacy in other ways

But why should you? Why would you consider lowering your standards and having less than you would prefer, for a guy you've known one single month?

You don't have to settle for shit sex you know.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 20/03/2013 22:51

Take the supposed sex issue out of the equation. The info came from your ex - So hardly a reliable source. And btw I find it extremely odd that you'd even have that discussion with your ex.

As for the other incident, if you like him enough then proceed with caution.

Original poster

chocolatecakeystuff · 20/03/2013 22:51

The more posts I'm reading. The more I'm thinking I just need to leave him well alone. I can't be sure what happened withhis ex. So no idea if he'd do it again.

My ex mentioned the sex thing, when he told me why dating this guy was a baf idea. Wasn't discussed as such, but was something I already knew to some degree. As I said I do see my ex a lot (keep my horses on his farm)

Should just add I'm not exactly problem free myself. I have a very poorly little girl, so don't get much time for partners. (I refuse to introduce them to dd point blank)

OP posts:

EggyFucker · 20/03/2013 22:54

I say you need to concentrate on your horses, and your poorly girl and don't take on any "projects"

Also, stop hanging out with your ex. He sounds like a malign presence in your life.

Cherriesarelovely · 20/03/2013 22:54

Sorry to hear about your Dd. That must be so tough. Hope things work out for you OP.

LemonPeculiarJones · 20/03/2013 22:58

Cherries that wasn't aimed at you - X post! Was a thought on the 'Well she hit him first....' angle.

OP I think it sounds best that you leave well alone. The firearms licence doesn't fill me with warmth for him, either.

The village does sound a little claustrophobic!

pictish · 20/03/2013 22:58

Agree...if you must talk to your ex, then take it all with a pinch of salt.

Still stay away from this guy though. Apart from the possibly dangerous klaxon going off, you'd soon tire of duff sex.

Original poster

chocolatecakeystuff · 20/03/2013 23:00

Is it so wrong to want something for me? Obviously only in my free time not at the expense of my daughter.

I don't think there's a man alive that doesn't have some sort of baggage attached.

But obviously I don't want to put myself at risk from voilence etc.

My ex is always going to be around, we have the same friends, and like I said my horses are on his farm. Don't hang around with him, but we are civil to each other when he's about.

OP posts:

annh · 20/03/2013 23:03

I think you need some help in building up your own self-confidence and self-esteem actually. Why would you listen to what your ex is telling you about this man when you say that ex is an arse and likes the sound of his own voice? Why would you consider having a relationship with a man who has been violent in the past and apparently has problems with sex?

Original poster

chocolatecakeystuff · 20/03/2013 23:05

They've all got gun lisences.... its a village. Ex does as well.
Just because they have guns doesn't mean they want to shoot people/ enjoy killing things. They just have to keep the land pest free that's all

OP posts:

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