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Original poster

Did I do the right thing

70 replies

alifelessordinary · 17/03/2013 10:23

So I'll try to keep this short. DH and I have been married 2 1/2years, together for 4 1/2. Things were fantastic when we were dating. He was attentive, kind, funny, etc. However that's changed since the marriage. After we were married he started pressuring for sex (apparently every 2 days wasn't enough) and he started groping me all the time, touching my boobs and genitals (only when we were alone together) even though I said no.

He also started bringing up my ex boyfriends all the time (I've dated significantly more than him ) as if the fact that I dated before I met him was something I should feel ashamed of.

This stuff all bothered me, but I figured eventually he would grow out of it.

Fast forward 2 and half years, 1 DS aged 16 months and another on the way, and he hasn't grown out of it. He still gropes, around DS, he talks about sex (especially anal, which we've attempted several times after a great deal of pressure from him, because he thinks of it as the one thing that I never did with any of my ex's, but it hurt a lot so we've never managed to actually do it, and it's become a sticking point) around DS all the time. I tell him this isn't right, he stops for a bit but then starts up again. His attempts to change have included using the "code word" lana when he talks about anal in front of our son and groping me under the covers because DS "can't see."

He also still brings up my ex's around DS, which I don't like because I feel DS will be raised to not respect me.

We went to see a counselor about this, and she basically sided with him, saying that he's a young man with "needs" and I should try and not get naked in front of him if DS is around, and if I don't want sex at the moment giving him an exact time for when I'll want sex. She also suggested that I try to "branch out more" when I discussed the pressure for anal. So basically she sided with DH.

Lately, he's totally shirked his fatherhood responsibilities. He used to get up with DS during the week (so I wouldn't be too tired for work) while I took the weekend. This has changed to him never getting up with DS. Or if he does, it's only after a great deal of arguing. He never changes diapers anymore, he never feeds DS, he barely plays with him.

Yesterday the S* hit the fan because he'd promised me he would take DS to swim class. Instead, he stayed up all night playing some computer game and didn't come to bed till 3:30 am. By the time it was time to get up to take DS to swimming (7:30 am), he was too tired. So I took him. I then proceeded to do all the groceries, etc by myself, because he slept till 12:30pm. I was (and still am) exhausted. When I got home he asked me why I was "moody" and I lost it. We haven't spoken since then.

I just sent him a text (i get my thoughts out better through writing) saying that if he doesn't start helping more with DS, doesn't stop the groping and the sex talk and doesn't stop bringing up my ex's that he can start looking for a new place to live.

Is this the right move, or should I try counseling again? Give him more time? What?

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 17/03/2013 10:29

Personally, I think you are 100% right, he is an immature dick and that counsellor must have been on drugs.

CremeEggScoffer · 17/03/2013 10:35

so he gropes you when you don't want him to, this man is a grade a twat and you're absolutely right to get rid, why do blokes feel they can do this? This is verging on sexual abuse....no means no

almostanotherday · 17/03/2013 10:35

Yes you did do the right thing.

meemar · 17/03/2013 10:36

You do not have to put up with any of that shitty behaviour and good on you for realising it.

TurnipCake · 17/03/2013 10:36

On what planet is that counsellor on?! Angry

I don't think a verbal threat is enough though OP, he isn't going to change, he sees himself as entitled to you and your body and your son will grow to think that's a normal way to treat women.

I think you need to get into counselling alone with someone who isn't a total assclown. Maybe also get a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 17/03/2013 10:37

Yes, you've done the right thing. He sounds bloody awful.

leaharrison11 · 17/03/2013 10:39

I think that you have done the right thing , and if a man has needs that still means a women has the right to say no , as for talking about sex and groping you infront of ur DS that is out of order , who can even get turned on around there DC i cant i no that. And now lacking in his dad role... Hunny uv done the right thing give him the chance if that doesnt work atleast you can say you tried , sorry your having a bad time

PeppaFuckingPig · 17/03/2013 10:42

I'd go one step further than the text and kick his arse out now.
You've had 2 and a half years of this shit?
He sounds absolutely vile.

Original poster
alifelessordinary · 17/03/2013 10:52

Obviously he's not like this all the time and has some redeeming points. I think he would have changed before if the counselor hadn't told him he was entitled to act that way.

OP posts:
ScentedNappyHag · 17/03/2013 10:57

He sounds utterly repulsive OP, you deserve to be treated so much better. You are not in the wrong here, at all.

TurnipCake · 17/03/2013 10:59

Of course he wouldn't be like this 100% of the time. My ex who would push me into walls or furniture would also be the first to offer his seat or help others with their luggage on the Tube.

Everyone comes with their list of pros and cons, but there are things like leaving unwashed dishes in the sink vs complete dealbreakers like groping your genitals despite you saying no. It's not 'verging' on sexual abuse, it is sexual abuse.

What makes you think he would have changed had it not been for the counsellor? If he has continued to do the same thing over and over for 2.5 years despite you saying no, I don't think he was going to have a road to Demascus moment.

It's so difficult when they start off so lovely and you think what they have turned into must be due to some external factor that can be controlled, but most often, they're just unravelling and showing you who they were all along.

Original poster
alifelessordinary · 17/03/2013 11:01

Because I don't think he thinks there's anything wrong with his behaviour, that since we're married, he can grope me as he pleases. The counselor reinforced that.

OP posts:
PureQuintessence · 17/03/2013 11:03

You did the right thing.

He has no respect for you and feel entitled to your body. He sounds utterly despicable.

Are you prepared to leave him? He sounds very immature. How old is he? Does he work?

PureQuintessence · 17/03/2013 11:04

You should put in a complaint against the counselor!

He has no right to "help himself" to your body! He cant disrespect your boundaries like this!

Original poster
alifelessordinary · 17/03/2013 11:04

I'm prepared to leave him if needs be, I'm hoping this will be a wake up call. He's 28 and yup he works. We both do. But I'm the main breadwinner.

OP posts:
Original poster
alifelessordinary · 17/03/2013 11:05

The counselor's (a she) been fired already. She says it was over a contract disagreement, I'm not so sure.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/03/2013 11:06

You did the right thing.

I'd report this counsellor; duff advice like you received is very damaging and further reinforces his abuse of you. Also no decent counsellor would have ever seen the two of you together at all due to the ongoing abuse.

Was wondering what you get out of this relationship now, what has kept you within this to date?.

PureQuintessence · 17/03/2013 11:07

It is interesting how he changed the moment you were tied to him. Legally and emotionally with a child. And now you have another on the way, and you will be more bound to him, he revs it up and stops helping with the kids.

Dont you find that a weird coincidence? To be honest, I dont think he needs the wake up call. But maybe you do?

PureQuintessence · 17/03/2013 11:08

You do realize he is abusing you, dont you?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/03/2013 11:08

Has he as yet responded to your text message?.

Original poster
alifelessordinary · 17/03/2013 11:09

He's a lovely guy 90% of the time, and I love him. And until about a month ago was very helpful with DS and a wonderful father. I don't know why the sudden change there.

OP posts:
meditrina · 17/03/2013 11:10

Yes, you did the right thing. Putting up with behaviour like this would show by your actions that you condone it after all.

But ultimatums are tricky things. If you do not follow through, then you are in a much weaker position, because it will demonstrate that you won't actually live by your stated standards.

So you need to think now about how long you will give him to respond, and then show by his actions whether he is ready to treat you in the way you want to be treated and up his participation in parenting, and what actual changes will be sufficient to convince you that the relationship is worth it.

And of course you need to remember that he will have a different view of the relationship and may not be willing to respond as you hope. And because of that, you also need to be thinking about a separation plan. That may sound drastic, but if you do not prepare for this, you'll be signing up long term for something that makes you unhappy.

Original poster
alifelessordinary · 17/03/2013 11:10

I realize it's probably sexual abuse. But I'm willing to give him the chance to stop.

Yes, he says he'll step up more and stop with the groping and the bringing up the ex's.

OP posts:
Original poster
alifelessordinary · 17/03/2013 11:11

I've got the numbers for some lawyers. Financially and everything I'm fine to kick him out. It's my house, I make plenty of money. He'll be the one struggling, not me.

OP posts:
kalidanger · 17/03/2013 11:13

You most definitely did the right thing. You know that too Smile

I hope you meant it as well. 'Shape up or ship out' is last chance territory but.... you know he's not going to change, right?

Have you thought about separating? Finances and stuff?

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