Did I do the right thing

[alifelessordinary]

So I'll try to keep this short. DH and I have been married 2 1/2years, together for 4 1/2. Things were fantastic when we were dating. He was attentive, kind, funny, etc. However that's changed since the marriage. After we were married he started pressuring for sex (apparently every 2 days wasn't enough) and he started groping me all the time, touching my boobs and genitals (only when we were alone together) even though I said no.

He also started bringing up my ex boyfriends all the time (I've dated significantly more than him ) as if the fact that I dated before I met him was something I should feel ashamed of.

This stuff all bothered me, but I figured eventually he would grow out of it.

Fast forward 2 and half years, 1 DS aged 16 months and another on the way, and he hasn't grown out of it. He still gropes, around DS, he talks about sex (especially anal, which we've attempted several times after a great deal of pressure from him, because he thinks of it as the one thing that I never did with any of my ex's, but it hurt a lot so we've never managed to actually do it, and it's become a sticking point) around DS all the time. I tell him this isn't right, he stops for a bit but then starts up again. His attempts to change have included using the "code word" lana when he talks about anal in front of our son and groping me under the covers because DS "can't see."

He also still brings up my ex's around DS, which I don't like because I feel DS will be raised to not respect me.

We went to see a counselor about this, and she basically sided with him, saying that he's a young man with "needs" and I should try and not get naked in front of him if DS is around, and if I don't want sex at the moment giving him an exact time for when I'll want sex. She also suggested that I try to "branch out more" when I discussed the pressure for anal. So basically she sided with DH.

Lately, he's totally shirked his fatherhood responsibilities. He used to get up with DS during the week (so I wouldn't be too tired for work) while I took the weekend. This has changed to him never getting up with DS. Or if he does, it's only after a great deal of arguing. He never changes diapers anymore, he never feeds DS, he barely plays with him.

Yesterday the S* hit the fan because he'd promised me he would take DS to swim class. Instead, he stayed up all night playing some computer game and didn't come to bed till 3:30 am. By the time it was time to get up to take DS to swimming (7:30 am), he was too tired. So I took him. I then proceeded to do all the groceries, etc by myself, because he slept till 12:30pm. I was (and still am) exhausted. When I got home he asked me why I was "moody" and I lost it. We haven't spoken since then.

I just sent him a text (i get my thoughts out better through writing) saying that if he doesn't start helping more with DS, doesn't stop the groping and the sex talk and doesn't stop bringing up my ex's that he can start looking for a new place to live.

Is this the right move, or should I try counseling again? Give him more time? What?

Well, it's a start that he's said the right thing. But he needs to show it by his actions.

And you might find it worthwhile to get to the bottom of what happened about a month ago.

"He's a lovely guy 90% of the time". Of course he is . I think you are somewhat overexaggerating there and are also minimising this to your own detriment. Denial is a powerful force granted but he is acting like this too because he can.

What happened a month ago?.

You love him yes but he does not love you at all let alone respect you and has no feelings for you whatsoever. If he did truly love you he would not be treating you like a piece of meat or treating his son with a similar level of contempt.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. I would ask yourself that question now too.

Your son won't thank you for staying within such a dysfunctional relationship.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE. Yes NONE.

I doubt he's playing 'computer games' till 3 in the morning. More likely he's a porn loser and this is contributing to his sexually abusive behaviour.

Report the counsellor to her professional body.

This just demonstrates why couples counselling is disastrous in abusive relationships, so don't even think about going near it again with him.

Go on your own, to someone who's recommended.

I very much doubt he will change, but he won't if he uses porn.

How can he change when he does not see there is anything wrong? When he started this behaviour after you got married? He believes he is entitled. So this must be related to his view on women. You being the breadwinner does not help. He needs his power kicks, elsewhere. He is letting you know who is the boss when he is sitting playing games all night, when he is not pulling his weight. He is showing you how IMPORTANT he is. When he makes you uncomfortable, he makes you feel small and him big, this is also part of his plan to erode all your confidence. Likewise when he is trying to show you that you have no rights to your body, have no boundaries for him, and that he should decide when you have sex, what sort of sex. Notice how he is making demands for sex that is hurting you. He wants hurtful sex with you, because that is something you did not have with your exes. How insane is that? How is that in any way connected to love?

This is not love. This is all about him trying to exercise his control over you.

He started school again a month ago and we moved houses. I think he's finding school and work a bit stressful.

You moved house? But the house is still in your name? Did he expect the new house to also be in his name?

What "school"? He is 28, does he not have an education?

Stress and work does not turn a nice man abusive to his loving partner, and mother of his child.

Agree with Pure.

This about power, control and putting a woman who's better than him 'in her place'. Reinforced by what he sees on screen, no doubt.

This has got nothing to do with stress.

He's getting his undergraduate degree part time. The house is still in my name, it's rented and the lease is in my name.

I don't think being lazy with helping out with DS is abusive. The sex stuff I'll give you, but the no longer being very helpful with DS isn't abuse.

He just sounds incredibly immature. All his bad points are those of immaturity. In fact he sounds like a 15 year old in that respect! He acts mature in other ways though so there is the likelihood that the immature side will catch up eventually.

Talking about sex in front of a toddler is very inappropriate behaviour and he needs to realise it. Pressuring you for sex ditto. You say he is going to step up, but there is a good chance he will just relapse if he is only doing it because you have set the boundaries for him, rather than him doing it for himself.

It may be worth seeing a counsellor again (the first one was beyond ridiculous) because no one would condone his behaviour normally. Initially on your own to begin with, and then bring him along when you feel the counsellor is in agreement with you. Sounds a bit manipulative to do it that way but you need to feel your wishes are being listened to and they understand the situation. You need to have confidence in a counsellor and I am sure they will be fair and even handed to you and DH and not take sides.

"He started school again a month ago and we moved houses. I think he's finding school and work a bit stressful".

The above is an excuse for an inadequate man who is not above abusing you sexually when he wants a piece of you. He regards you as less than nothing, you do realise that?.

Most people have stressful existances but that is still no justification for his abusive behaviour. There is no excuse or justification at all.

You probably blame yourself for his abusive treatment towards you as well. He's done a right number on you hasn't he?.

Thanks sneezecakesmum, I do think a bit of it is immaturity. He was never in a real relationship before he met me, and sometimes I don't think he knows how to act in one.

When DS was born he stepped up in a lot of ways, and, like I said, helped out a lot with DS (to the point I felt I wasn't doing enough!) but in the last month he's just slacked off, and it's at a bad time since I'm 15 weeks pregnant, so very tired.

The counselor didn't help things at all.

It's my house, I make plenty of money

Start thinking about getting rid of him then. Whats the point in him. Hes not a nice guy, his basic character and morals are lacking. He doesn't provide for you financially, he doesn't own the house you live in, so his only redeeming grace would be great company and providing support, which he doesn't. So get rid of him before the marriage goes on any longer and your divorce settlement more expensive.

I seriously wonder if some counsellors are just trained to say whatever it takes to keep the man in the relationship, at whatever cost. I went to see one and was basically told to that, my friend was told to put up with her DH's contact with the woman he had cybersex with because "it was important to him". I can't imagine many women would be that desperate for any man in their lives that they would put up with that.

I love how people here put words in my mouth. Am I blaming myself for the groping? No. Why would I? Does he regard me as less than nothing? No. In every other way he treats me with respect.

I'm fully aware his behavior is inappropriate, hence the ultimatum.

Counselling for your own self and alone is a complete necessity here.

Do not ever into any joint counselling with him ever again; the same scenarios will play out with you getting blamed, abusive men use such techniques to further ramp up any abuse at home. Also no decent counsellor would ever see the two of you together due to the ongoing abuse.

Your DS likely wonders why on earth his Dad (one of the very centres of his own little universe apart from you) is not playing with him, poor soul. He is likely confused and upset by his dad and is also too young to properly being able to express his feelings.

And as for "immaturity" why do you want to be saddled with an entitled overgrown manchild who is not above either using the word "lana" around your son nor groping you when he feels like it.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I think the immaturity is also showing itself in his behaviour as jealously of the time and attention you (inevitably and rightly) show your DC takes time from him. Attention seeking, looking for reassurance in sexual acts when you are not really interested, all point to his insecurity. Try also considering his need to be reassured emotionally and he may not need to seek it himself sexually.

The more angry you get with his advances and prying into your past, the more he may feel rejected and the more reassurance he seeks. None of this is your responsibility, but maybe understanding his feelings more will allow him to talk about them openly and the 90% you like can turn into 100% The emotional makeup of a man is different from a womans whether we like it or not!

Glad the counsellor got fired, she sounds absobloodyuseless.

You did the right thing, of course you did and I hope you follow through with it if he doesn't sort himself out. He's behaving like an immature twat, with sexual abuse thrown in. There is, IMO and IME, nothing less enticing than being hassled for sex in the way he's doing it - just puts me right off. A bit like the "jack russelling" that DH finds so entertaining (dry rubbing against me like a dog does against your leg). And forcing you into doing anything you don't want to sexually is abuse.

Are you sure you actually want to keep him around?

Another thing that might be worth considering, but only if you really want to, is that he might possibly have some medical condition that has caused this - but it's EXTREMELY unlikey, it's far more likely that he's just an entitled twat who really believes that he owns you body and soul now.

How does he exactly treat you with respect?. You're going to have to back that assertion up because I cannot see anything nice about him at all from what you write of him. What nice things does he do for you and by turn your son?.

I get companionship, friendship, and love.

I suspect he'll start helping out more with DS now that I've called him on it. I don't think he realized how neglectful he'd gotten.

It's the sexual stuff I'm worried about. That will be a bit harder to change.

Does he use a lot of porn?

If he's abusive about the groping but not about DS he's still abusive OP Just a different flavour.

Have you said in this thread "But I don't want him to leave because X, Y and Z"? I think I missed it if you did...

Until a month ago he was home with DS part-time. Did all the grocery shopping, the errands, the bills, etc. Helped with bath time and bedtime (he can't now as he's at class) and got up with DS every day of the week (and myself on weekends) when DS was first born he would take every 2 nd night with him so I could get some rest. He used to play with him a lot as well, and was with him more than I was since I worked full time.

Now however he's at work part time and school part time (til 8:30 pm every night) and he slacking when he is home.

He's always respected my opinion about financial or family things. Just not about sex.

What companionship, friendship and love exactly are you getting from him now?. None of what he is doing or has done to you are the actions of a loving, emotionally balanced person are they?.

What would you say to a friend who was telling you all this?.

You think you can rescue or change him by loving him?.