Did I do the right thing

[alifelessordinary]

So I'll try to keep this short. DH and I have been married 2 1/2years, together for 4 1/2. Things were fantastic when we were dating. He was attentive, kind, funny, etc. However that's changed since the marriage. After we were married he started pressuring for sex (apparently every 2 days wasn't enough) and he started groping me all the time, touching my boobs and genitals (only when we were alone together) even though I said no.

He also started bringing up my ex boyfriends all the time (I've dated significantly more than him ) as if the fact that I dated before I met him was something I should feel ashamed of.

This stuff all bothered me, but I figured eventually he would grow out of it.

Fast forward 2 and half years, 1 DS aged 16 months and another on the way, and he hasn't grown out of it. He still gropes, around DS, he talks about sex (especially anal, which we've attempted several times after a great deal of pressure from him, because he thinks of it as the one thing that I never did with any of my ex's, but it hurt a lot so we've never managed to actually do it, and it's become a sticking point) around DS all the time. I tell him this isn't right, he stops for a bit but then starts up again. His attempts to change have included using the "code word" lana when he talks about anal in front of our son and groping me under the covers because DS "can't see."

He also still brings up my ex's around DS, which I don't like because I feel DS will be raised to not respect me.

We went to see a counselor about this, and she basically sided with him, saying that he's a young man with "needs" and I should try and not get naked in front of him if DS is around, and if I don't want sex at the moment giving him an exact time for when I'll want sex. She also suggested that I try to "branch out more" when I discussed the pressure for anal. So basically she sided with DH.

Lately, he's totally shirked his fatherhood responsibilities. He used to get up with DS during the week (so I wouldn't be too tired for work) while I took the weekend. This has changed to him never getting up with DS. Or if he does, it's only after a great deal of arguing. He never changes diapers anymore, he never feeds DS, he barely plays with him.

Yesterday the S* hit the fan because he'd promised me he would take DS to swim class. Instead, he stayed up all night playing some computer game and didn't come to bed till 3:30 am. By the time it was time to get up to take DS to swimming (7:30 am), he was too tired. So I took him. I then proceeded to do all the groceries, etc by myself, because he slept till 12:30pm. I was (and still am) exhausted. When I got home he asked me why I was "moody" and I lost it. We haven't spoken since then.

I just sent him a text (i get my thoughts out better through writing) saying that if he doesn't start helping more with DS, doesn't stop the groping and the sex talk and doesn't stop bringing up my ex's that he can start looking for a new place to live.

Is this the right move, or should I try counseling again? Give him more time? What?

I don't want him to leave because I'll miss him, his companionship, his general (when he's not being a sexually forcefull twunt) personality, watching him play with DS (supposing he steps up with that again), I don't want him to leave for loads of reasons.

However I'm tried of the sexual abuse, and he's got to stop or he can leave. I've given him an ultimatum and I intend to stick by it.

This is not VERGING on sexual abuse, it IS sexual abuse.

Bringing up the exes and in front of your DS too, that is manipulative and abusive.

the helping out to an extreme is also a weapon of choice for some men too. it's designed to make you feel redundant, and useless. He'd done that now, is now demeaning you sexually, and now has opted out of all child care. If hi genuinely were a decent dad, he would step up, and support you, not undermine you.

this is only going to get worse, because he feels entitled to think you are his object, and only worth what you have to give him.

He has no respect for you, your body, your pain, your boundaries.

You don't owe him a thing, you have to get rid of him, this man will screw you up, and teach your own son to be just like him. I know you don't want to leave him, none of us do, but it will destroy you. He will destroy you, he won't stop. When Lundy arrives, you will understand everything.

This is not you love, none of this. It's not a normal healthy relationship, far from it.

You're avoiding answering the porn question. Why is that?

Sorry didn't see the porn question. Doesn't watch porn so far as I know.

If a friend was telling me all this I'd tell her to give her DH an ultimatum.

Hissy he was sexually demeaning me before he stepped up (and now stepped down) from childcare. And he's never undermined me or made me feel redundant as a Mom. I was just saying he helped out a lot until recently.

I'd say his sexual behaviour points to porn use. I'd be frankly amazed if he hasn't been watching some really odious stuff and it's leaking out into his own sexual behaviour.

Who in the name of Elvis was this 'councillor'?

Stick to your ultimatum, and I'd add if he brings up 'the councellor said it was ok' your reply is it's a deal breaker for you, and use the phrase "sexual abuse" tell him he's abusing you, tell him he's teaching his DS that it's ok to abuse a woman (16 month old take in a lot). tell him that you aren't going to back down on this, so he's got a set length of time to turn it around or he's out. And mean it.

It might be worth telling him you want him out this week to clear your head, perhaps making him see you mean it will shake some sense into him.

Unfortunately, he does sound rather immature, you might have outgrown him...

Any things possible I suppose, but he doesn't have any on the family computer and I've never seen him watch it.

You will absolutely have to follow through on any ultimatum you set as these can only be issued once. Repeated ultimatums lose all their power.

What is there really to miss about him?. You need to look at your own reasons more for not wanting him to leave.

Do you feel that you have somehow "failed" your own self here by marrying someone who has actually turned out to be not the person you thought he was?. Do you think "there were no indications, how could I have not known this was going to happen?".

Stick to your

I think 'stepping up' is a peculiar way to refer to caring for your own DC It's clear he's not truly engaged with your life together if he can step up and step down as he chooses.

You don't want him to leave because he's fun sometimes? But you don't want him to stay because he's sexually abusing you?

Sorry pressed send too soon.

Stick to your guns, op. His behaviour is appalling. Good for you for giving him an ultimatum. Hopefully he will see the error of his ways and if not he is at risk of losing his family.

He is teaching your ds that women are objects to grope whenever they like, and to talk to like shit. I'm sure you don't want this

This is the first time I've made an ultimatum with him. There's plenty to miss about him. As for not wanting to leave. As I said, I'm prepared to leave him, I don't make ultimatums lightly. I've also made sure that I'm in a power position should I leave him (something I learned to do when I left my ex fiancee 9 years ago). I won't view it as a failure, however, I will want to leave knowing that I at least tried everything within reason to keep the father of my children and the man I love in my life.

I figure an ultimatum is within the realm of reason.

kalidanger, just using the metaphor I guess, got caught in a whole step up, step down cycle.

And yes I want him to stay because he's fun and I want him to stop the abuse. If he doesn't than he isn't worth keeping around. Hence, the ultimatum.

"I won't view it as a failure, however, I will want to leave knowing that I at least tried everything within reason to keep the father of my children and the man I love in my life".

This reasoning though seems flawed to me, my friend thought the same and it took her 8 years to finally get out. She carried the dead relationship, he did nothing to save it or even tried to. Many women seem to hang on in dysfunctional relationships for years due to this same reasoning.

What has he done to try and keep you the mother of his children and the woman he supposedly loves in his life?.

"When DS was born he stepped up in a lot of ways, and, like I said, helped out a lot with DS (to the point I felt I wasn't doing enough!)"

This is why I said what I said. It's a flip side of the coin for some men that feel entitled to do what the hell they want with the mothers of their children.

He won't take you seriously. They never do. I would find the pawing at me and forcing of sex repulsive.

In fact I did.

I LTB.

He used to rub in my 'past' to me too, but he had significantly more than James Blooming Bond I did. But he threatened to tell my DS all about how loose I was. He used to shame me constantly.

He would hurt me sexually too, I would tell him to be gentler, he wouldn't listen.

Men like this treat us like whores, but berate us for it somehow. It is the most disgusting form of abuse, in that it eats away at the very core of our being.

You need to tell him to go. He won't even begin to think to change otherwise. He got the frankly dangerous counsellor on his side soon enough didn't he?

Read the Lundy when you get it, as I said, it will resonate, but it will be the most positive and freeing/liberating thing you have ever read. I think.

""I won't view it as a failure, however, I will want to leave knowing that I at least tried everything within reason to keep the father of my children and the man I love in my life".

You can try, but when you read the Lundy book, you will see that it's not about you trying. It's about him choosing to behave as he did.

My boyf has little experience with women, but he IS a hands on dad to his own son, always has been. he doesn't hurt me, he is kind, considerate and doesn't push me to do anything I don't want to do. My boyfriend is a NORMAL man.

MOST men are like him.

Yours, sadly is not one of them. Seriously.

OP you posted for advice but I feel you don't like a lot of what has been said. I can understand that. I was the same with friends in RL when I was going through this. I felt something was badly wrong and would pick out a couple of things and make excuses for the rest.
You are being very brave facing this and it is not going to be very nice for you for a while but that must be better than it not being very nice for you for the rest of your life.
Hissy is so right about the book, it is very liberating. I only read it years after my trouble and really wish I had read it as a young girl. She is also right about it not being about you trying to change anything it has to be all about him a) wanting to and then b) taking the many steps to do so that will take a long time.
I wish you well.