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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU regarding this situation? Warning: Long

75 replies

yummum19 · 15/03/2013 20:06

Hi all, I need some advice to see whether im being an utter bitch about this situation.

Basically, me and DP have a 7month old daughter who was born with significant health problems. DP also has a 3 year old son from a previous relationship. When we first met DP's ex partner had refused him seeing his son (for no other reason being she was sour he ended it) DP took her to court and he now is allowed to see him 2 days a week.

However, things have gone dramatically down hill between me and him. I would like to stress it is NOT because he sees his son. I was actively helping him get contact however DP goes every minute he has spare to see his son and his ex partner insists on coming too. They go out for day trips to the farm and meals out e.t.c all the while im at home looking after DD by myself, taking her to all her hospital appointments by my own. To add to this im not even allowed to call him when he's there (he thinks it would upset his ex) well what about me!? what if there was an emergency? When he finnally comes home she rings constantly, 'claiming' his son wants to speak to him yet he won't come to the phone and she will spend the time chatting to my DP.

The time i have with DP (which isnt very often) is ruined as i am constantly feeling down about the whole situation. He doesn't see where I'm coming from so I'm not sure whether the problem lies with me. What do you think?

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2013 20:10

He's being inconsiderate towards you and your joint dd. He needs to start seeing his ds without his ex, at set times (with flexibility on both sides for special times.)

Can you talk to him when dd is asleep? Will he listen?

Original poster
yummum19 · 15/03/2013 20:17

Thank you for your quick reply.

I've tried talking to him, we've had many chats about this. He just doesn't see my point of view. He keeps saying that im being unreasonable and jealous. He's right I am feeling jealous! Jealous that they get to spend so much time with him and we don't. What worries me more is that he should want to spend time with us. I understand he enjoys spending time with his son too and i would never be angry at him for this but id be lying if i said it doesnt bother me that his ex is there too. Whenever i try and tell him how i'm feeling it just ends in an argument.

OP posts:
WallyBantersJunkBox · 15/03/2013 20:18

Why can't he have his DS round at yours?

MyLittleDiva · 15/03/2013 20:22

This is really unfair on you. His son should be able to spend time with his dad away from his mother and build a relationship with you and his half sister. It is very wrong what he is doing and I wouldn't be happy about it at all.

kinkyfuckery · 15/03/2013 20:26

Does he have/see his DS at set times/days?

Original poster
yummum19 · 15/03/2013 20:26

His ex partner won't let me meet him and he doesn't even know he has a half sister. I have neither met nor spoken to his ex before. I would happily welcome his DS into my home and i think if this did happen it would solve alot of our issues. I would be able to spend time with my DP at the same time and i wouldnt feel so down about him spending time with his ex however she states this will never happen. She won't let my DP spend any time alone with his DS yet has no concerns for his parenting so there is no real excuse why? My guess is she is enjoying spending time with my DP too!

OP posts:
Original poster
yummum19 · 15/03/2013 20:29

kinkyfucker After going to court it was agreed he would see him tuesday and sunday. This has increased to every day that's possible for him. Infact, he's been there all day today.

OP posts:
Roseformeplease · 15/03/2013 20:29

Did your DP leave her when the child was a baby? Is he just avoiding being around during the baby stage?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2013 20:30

It's not actually down to his ex who your dp introduces his ds to on "his" time, the problem is he doesn't have any time alone with his ds, you're right. Do you know anything about why they split? It does sound odd that she wants to play Happy Families.

How much help is he to you when he's home?

Original poster
yummum19 · 15/03/2013 20:34

His DS was around a year old when he left. When he is with us he is a brilliant dad with our DD. She absolutely adores him and it was only about a month ago this all started so up until then we were a perfect little family. I do think at the moment he enjoys spending time with his DS more as he is at the age they can play and have conversations e.t.c whereas with our DD she can be a little ratty at times as she is in alot of pain due to her health.

OP posts:
MyLittleDiva · 15/03/2013 20:35

He is not showing any respect for you the way he is behaving. You need to have another talk and find out what he really wants. Do you think he has any feelings for his ex?

EllaFitzgerald · 15/03/2013 20:37

You're definitely not being a bitch! It sounds to me like she's trying very hard to get him back and he's choosing not to see it because he knows she'll cause him problems seeing his DS.

LineRunner · 15/03/2013 20:40

Hi, OP. Where does your DP live? (If you don't mind me asking.) It sounds like you don't think you see enough of him.

Original poster
yummum19 · 15/03/2013 20:40

OldLadyKnowsNothing He told me that they argued constantly and eventually grew apart. Scarily, this is where i see us going too if things do not change however that is the last thing i want as i do love him dearly. When she rings I am sitting right next to DP and can hear their conversations. If it was just about their DS i would understand but she asks him all sorts of other things for example what he is up to? I can't seem to get through to my DP that this isnt right?

I have no worries about what he is like with me and DD when at home. I don't doubt he loves me I just think he is oblivious to what she is doing and i fear that by me argueing with him over the situation all the time and his ex being so nice he will think about ending it with me and getting back with his ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
yummum19 · 15/03/2013 20:43

EllaFitzgerald That's exactly what i think! He is too scared to say anything or stand up to her in fear she'll say he can't see him again.

LineRunner He lives with me but it doesn't feel like that sometimes. Really he only comes back here to sleep.

OP posts:
MyLittleDiva · 15/03/2013 20:47

Is he worried that his ex will cut contact if he doesn't play along?

Original poster
yummum19 · 15/03/2013 20:52

MyLittleDiva Yes i think he is worried about this so it feels very damming to me that because of her selfless actions my DD and I are now suffering. It wouldn't surprise me if she did turn around and refuse contact as she gets very angry at him if he doesn't pick up the phone the first time she rings. If he is busy she will ring back straight after, 5 or 6 times until he picks up the phone and then shouts at him why he didnt pick up straight away. Rather than telling her he has a life and cant be expected to be available every time he apologises!

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2013 20:55

Oh, dear, this really doesn't sound good at all. You say he went to court, did the court make a contact order?

MyLittleDiva · 15/03/2013 20:57

She is very controlling of him as she feels she has the upper hand. Could he take some legal advice so he has the confidence that she can not stop him seeing his son?

Original poster
yummum19 · 15/03/2013 21:02

OldLadyKnowsNothing The agreed days set by the court was on a Tuesday and Sunday. Dp's ex will ring up every morning and ask if he's coming over and he will go. I have asked him out right one morning to not go and stay at home with us but he said he didnt want to dissapoint his son. What about dissapointing us? I really want to sort this out so we can come to a situation where everyone is happy and getting what they deserve i just can't see how we're going to get there at the moment. I love him so much and want nothing more than for my DD to grow up with her mummy and daddy around her but i dont know how much more of being second best we can take. I want more for my DD.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2013 21:08

Meh, my first impulse is to say switch off and unplug all your phones, but I know that's not really helpful. :( Alternatively slap dp about the face with a wet haddock and ask how he'd sort out two sets of child visitation when you chuck his thoughtless arse out of the door.

And that's not much help either. I'm sorry, if he can't see he's being unfair, I don't know what more you can do.

EllaFitzgerald · 15/03/2013 21:09

Totally understand why you're so frustrated. He's so worried about not missing out on his DS's childhood that he's completely missing your DD's. It doesn't sound like he's willing to stand up to her in any way, do you think he'd even be willing to get legal advice all the time she's allowing him access?

Original poster
yummum19 · 15/03/2013 21:09

MyLittleDiva The courts said she was allowed to be present for the first few months so DPs DS could get used to him. Fortunately this seems to have happened already and they are very close, however when DP asked his ex when he would be allowed to have him by himself she said she would not allow it as she doesnt want him to bring his DS to meet me and she certainly doesn't want him to meet his half sister which i feel is very sad. Is she allowed to make this decision?

OP posts:
Original poster
yummum19 · 15/03/2013 21:14

I'm glad i've realised im not BU and it is him in the wrong. I often sit and think about whether I should just accept that's the way it is.

To top it all off DD has open heart surgery on the 27th March. She is going to be in hospital for a minimum of 10 days. I asked DP whether his ex would be okay with no visists for the time DD is in hospital and he looked at me like i had said something awful. We would be staying at the hospital as it is over an hour away from where we live and he would be leaving us to visit his son. Is it so unreasonable fo him to think he could go without seenig his son for a few days while DD is recovering from OHS?

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2013 21:15

No, she should back off and let dp have his two days with ds and not with her; what dp does on hks time is up to you.

Would dp go back to court for a variation? So that ex can't argue she should still be accompanying them?

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