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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU regarding this situation? Warning: Long

75 replies

yummum19 · 15/03/2013 20:06

Hi all, I need some advice to see whether im being an utter bitch about this situation.

Basically, me and DP have a 7month old daughter who was born with significant health problems. DP also has a 3 year old son from a previous relationship. When we first met DP's ex partner had refused him seeing his son (for no other reason being she was sour he ended it) DP took her to court and he now is allowed to see him 2 days a week.

However, things have gone dramatically down hill between me and him. I would like to stress it is NOT because he sees his son. I was actively helping him get contact however DP goes every minute he has spare to see his son and his ex partner insists on coming too. They go out for day trips to the farm and meals out e.t.c all the while im at home looking after DD by myself, taking her to all her hospital appointments by my own. To add to this im not even allowed to call him when he's there (he thinks it would upset his ex) well what about me!? what if there was an emergency? When he finnally comes home she rings constantly, 'claiming' his son wants to speak to him yet he won't come to the phone and she will spend the time chatting to my DP.

The time i have with DP (which isnt very often) is ruined as i am constantly feeling down about the whole situation. He doesn't see where I'm coming from so I'm not sure whether the problem lies with me. What do you think?

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2013 22:11

Oh, arsewanks. :( Kinda hoped I'd be wrong. Still, better you're forewarned.

Sorry, you have to leave him. He'll only get worse, certainly not better. What's your housing situation?

Original poster

yummum19 · 15/03/2013 22:18

He left living with a family member to live with me so i guess he would just move back in with them. He has threatened this a few times in arguments. It's so sad that it has come to this. Even though i feel i have already lost him (with him being out so much) leaving him completely will be much harder. I'm not sure i can cope with the stress of the seperation and DD's op. I have no doubt his ex will be delighted and will probably get back with him. So i will be left arranging contact for my DD to go join their happy family. Life sure does suck sometimes.

OP posts:

MyLittleDiva · 15/03/2013 22:26

I really feel for you, what a crap situation. I'm not sure what to say to help but I wish you and your dd happiness. Stay strong x

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2013 22:35

The timing of the split can be of your choice, keep your powder dry. He wasn't going to be much use to you during your dd's time in hospital anyway, you need to think whether whatever help he would be, would be worth the pain of putting up with this shit in the meantime. Could you rely on his family members (dd's gran, uncles, aunts?) to help out while you're in hospital, since you can't count on him?

You need to think practically about what needs to be done, who can help. If you think you can "use" him in a fortnight, dump him later. If he's just going to carry on being a drain, maybe better to pack his bags when next he visits with his ds and leave them on the doorstep. Change the lock while he's out; it's easy and not expensive to change the barrel of a Yale lock, for example.

Original poster

yummum19 · 15/03/2013 22:48

Unfortunately it has come at a time where i feel like i really need his support. I've put up with this for a while now so im sure i can last for another 2 weeks. I know in time I will be strong enough to be a lone parent as i feel like i am one already but i guess i can start that process when DD is atleast out of hospital.

Thank you very much for everyone that has taken the time to offer me advice on this thread. It is now clear what i have to do if DP does not change his ways. I just hope we mean more to him and it will not come to that.

OP posts:

Skygirls · 15/03/2013 22:53

It would be great to change locks and bar him from the house, but this would not be legal if you are married.
See www.fishermeredith.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Divorce-FAQs1.pdf

Skygirls · 15/03/2013 22:57

Basically it says that if you're married and the place you're in is the marital home, no matter whose name is on the deeds, you both have legal access to the property, so even if he moves out or gets chucked out, you must provide him with a key if you change the locks.

Sorry......

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2013 22:57

Ok, so for the next month or so you smile sweetly and say "Yes, darling, no, darling, three bags full darling." Grit your teeth, swallow the resentment, and know for certain that you have the upper hand. Because you now know who and what he is, and knowledge is power. Know - and prepare yourself mentally - that when you no longer desperately need his support while your dd has OHS and recovers, his arse is out of the door at a moment that you choose.

He can't scare you with his threats to leave if that's what you want in the end. If you can control the timing, you get the power back.

This is a book often recommended on here. You'll find him in it, and it'll give you some valuable insights to build your resolve some more.

Best of luck. You can do this.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2013 22:59

Skygirls, Op refers to a partner, not a husband. He's living in her home, she can chuck him out any time.

Have to wonder if he cocklodges too.

Skygirls · 15/03/2013 22:59

Have you spoken to him about how dd must be feeling by not seeing her dad? It seems like he's only thinking about ds.....

Original poster

yummum19 · 15/03/2013 23:04

Yes thankfully we're not married so that won't be an issue. He is deffinitely only thinking about his DS, not only does he see him more but he hands out money continuously to his DS while i pay for everything for DD.

OP posts:

Skygirls · 15/03/2013 23:04

OLKN Point taken...thought site might be helpful

Skygirls · 15/03/2013 23:07

Oh yumm, what a terrible situation for you. I don't have anything helpful to say but sending {{hugs}} and hope it all works out, one way or the other

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2013 23:10

Sorry if I was abrupt, Skygirls, I realise you were being helpful. :) But thankfully they're not married, so yummum can get shot quite easily.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2013 23:12

Gah, he is cocklodging too!

Bide your time, yummum, and when you're ready and it suits you, fir that fucker with a rocket!

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2013 23:13

fire

Original poster

yummum19 · 15/03/2013 23:15

Am being very stupid here, whats cocklodging? :)

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2013 23:21

Sorry, MN jargon.

It's when a man moves into a woman's home, does no/little housework or childcare, contributes bugger-all towards rent/mortgage/bills, and treats her like shit on top.

And it makes me really bloody angry.

Take the power back, use him for whatever use he is while you need him, and dump at a time of your choosing.

It's what he's doing to you.

badinage · 15/03/2013 23:35

I have no doubt his ex will be delighted and will probably get back with him.

Sorry, I think she's already back with him.

It sounds like he will be neither use nor ornament while DD is in hospital and so it's probably best to rely on others during that difficult time ahead.

Original poster

yummum19 · 15/03/2013 23:36

Ah i see, does make sense. Well from now on its up to him what he does, ill be focusing on our DD. I can see now we deserve better, thank you!

OP posts:

LilyAmaryllis · 15/03/2013 23:36

Thanks for reply OP - I still think him not telling his DS about his DD is a really bad sympton of the situation. So what if the Ex doesn't want DS to know!? It is a fact that the Ex can't wish away. Your DP will lose his DS if years later he suddenly finds out about the half-sister. Unfortunately it just makes me worry that he is not committed to you if he can deny the existence of his DD. Sorry, I'm worried for you

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2013 23:46

Go you, yummum, and we'll be here if you need us again. :)

AmberLeaf · 16/03/2013 00:02

Firstly I hope all goes well with your daughters op.

From reading your first post I immediately thought that he is back in a relationship with her.

He is lying to both of you.

I know you say you feel you need him, but I don't think he will be of much support to you TBH.

Jaynebxl · 16/03/2013 22:59

And if he does end up openly back with her then you can lay down ground rules like she did and say he can only see your Dd at your place and not with her. Contact doesn't have to be on his terms.

Jaynebxl · 16/03/2013 23:00

Posted too soon, meant to say how awful it must be for you struggling with your DD's health on your own while he is off playing happy families elsewhere.

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