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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU regarding this situation? Warning: Long

75 replies

yummum19 · 15/03/2013 20:06

Hi all, I need some advice to see whether im being an utter bitch about this situation.

Basically, me and DP have a 7month old daughter who was born with significant health problems. DP also has a 3 year old son from a previous relationship. When we first met DP's ex partner had refused him seeing his son (for no other reason being she was sour he ended it) DP took her to court and he now is allowed to see him 2 days a week.

However, things have gone dramatically down hill between me and him. I would like to stress it is NOT because he sees his son. I was actively helping him get contact however DP goes every minute he has spare to see his son and his ex partner insists on coming too. They go out for day trips to the farm and meals out e.t.c all the while im at home looking after DD by myself, taking her to all her hospital appointments by my own. To add to this im not even allowed to call him when he's there (he thinks it would upset his ex) well what about me!? what if there was an emergency? When he finnally comes home she rings constantly, 'claiming' his son wants to speak to him yet he won't come to the phone and she will spend the time chatting to my DP.

The time i have with DP (which isnt very often) is ruined as i am constantly feeling down about the whole situation. He doesn't see where I'm coming from so I'm not sure whether the problem lies with me. What do you think?

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2013 21:16

Xposts, of cours he should be with you and dd at such a difficult time!

badinage · 15/03/2013 21:16

There is something happening here that you don't yet know.

It's easy to blame his ex DP for being demanding, but everything you've heard about her has been filtered through his lens. I'd be interested in what he tells her about you.

He spends time with her because he wants to and it's as simple as that.

I think it's possible their relationship has been re-kindled in some way, but rather than tell you the truth about that, he'd rather you blamed her. In turn, she's probably falling for the same con - and you and your relationship are being misrepresented by him to her.

WinkySlink · 15/03/2013 21:20

I might be a bit concerned that they had rekindled their relationship, in the circumstances you describe. I find it odd that his exP would want him hanging around the house all the time and then to spend so much time on the phone.

It is not acceptale that he spends so much time away from you like this, and his ds really needs to know his has a sister otherwise it builds an unhealthy secretive family dynamic. I think you need to have a proper chat with DH and get him to understand his behaviour is not healthy for either of his families, and his dd and dw should be higher on his agenda. Good luck.

WinkySlink · 15/03/2013 21:24

Sorry to hear about your DD yummum...I hope the outlook is good for her, and that you have other sources of support around you as well as DH. I wouldnt sweat it if he pops off a couple of times to see his ds, but every day might be hard.

I still cant compute him lying to his ds by omittng to inform him about dd.

Original poster

yummum19 · 15/03/2013 21:24

OldLadyKnowsNothing Would he be likely to get that result seeing as its only been a month since contact has been resumed? They said they would have another hearing in 4-5months but im not sure whether our relationship can last that long if things don't change.

badinage I worry this is the case. When he's with me he is constantly telling me he loves me and that I shouldn't worry but listening to their conversations they definitely are getting on very well. He says he has to have a relationship with her for the sake of his DS which i understand to a certain extent but its going too far now.

OP posts:

Original poster

yummum19 · 15/03/2013 21:29

WinkySlink Thank you, its been a very stressful time made even worse by this situation so ill be glad when the op is over :) I agree, i am completely fine with him seeing his DS however its the need to go over every day, the long phonecalls and the fact that me and DD are being made to feel like he is ashamed of us as he wont talk about us infront of his ex and DS, yet i have to listen to what they've all got up to every day. How can he not see that it would upset me hearing about him playing happy families with another woman when i dont get any quality family time any more.

OP posts:

MyLittleDiva · 15/03/2013 21:30

His dd needs him too, especially at this difficult time. You really don't need this extra stress. Are you going to talk to him again and make it clear that you will not put up with this? Wishing your daughter all the best and a speedy recovery x

EllaFitzgerald · 15/03/2013 21:30

You can either accept it and hope that he gets more interested in DD when she gets a bit older (although if open heart surgery isn't enough to get him interested, I can't think what will!) or tell him it can't continue and he needs to treat his children equally or you'll be off. Although if you give him that ultimatum, I suspect you know what option he'll choose. Best wishes for your DD's op.

badinage · 15/03/2013 21:32

It's unlikely you've had the whole truth about their break-up and the disagreements about residence and contact.

What he did was set up an adverserial relationship between two women and their children.

I think he's doing the same thing here, only this time she's hearing a distorted version of you and your relationship and you're hearing more lies about her and their current relationship.

Stop blaming her and start blaming him. He is there out of choice and not just for his son's benefit. I really think you need to realise this and put the responsibility where it's deserved; not with her but with him.

I would be certain that you're being lied to and have been lied to in the past about this woman and their relationship.

badinage · 15/03/2013 21:34

Just seen your extra post. He doesn't want her to think he's happy with your family life. It would spoil the lie he's created about it.

He's probably spinning her some line about only staying with you because you've got a sick child together.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2013 21:37

Ah,no, he won't get a variation that fast. But fgs, these phone calls must stop! It's great if they can be amicable, but the mark is being missed.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 15/03/2013 21:38

OP, what a horrible time for you. You and your DD are being treated as a secret while your DP plays happy families with his ex. It really is not on. I can't believe your DP is treating you like this. I would be furious in your situation. Sadly I feel that as he cannot see your viewpoint (possibly his ex may be having some influence here otherwise he is a pig) the more you try and reason the more he will think you are being unreasonable. You are not. I would be tempted to give him an ultimatum but fear it may not end well.

Are you able to show him this thread as a way of him seeing you are not being totally unreasonable and others agree with you?

Original poster

yummum19 · 15/03/2013 21:39

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. I'm going to sit down with DP and air my concerns one final time and make him realise i'm not taking this any more. I guess i just needed reassurance that i wasnt going to break up our family because of my own selfish reasons. I feel i have failed my DD by not giving her the family unit she deserves but can see now it is not me that has caused that to happen. I can only hope he sees the error of his ways and changes.

OP posts:

LilyAmaryllis · 15/03/2013 21:42

I can't figure out why he hasn't told him DS he has a half-sister? This is the really weird bit. And its going to look really really odd if he doesn't tell him very soon, because why would he lie to DS for so long?

Really really good luck with the open heart surgery, fingers crossed for a great recovery for your DD.

Original poster

yummum19 · 15/03/2013 21:43

TimothyClaypoleLover It's worth a try i suppose but i highly doubt it. Even his family are telling him his priorities are misplaced yet he still carries on. They are being very supportive of me and they don't even know the full story so if he won't listen to me and his own family i dont know what he will listen to.

OP posts:

MrsTomHardy · 15/03/2013 21:44

Sorry OP but I agree with Badinage....I think you're being lied too.

And if he isn't lying then he seriously needs to man up to his ex.

MyLittleDiva · 15/03/2013 21:45

Hope all goes well for you and your dd. I hope he can understand the hurt you are feeling and a better situation can be arranged.

LineRunner · 15/03/2013 21:48

Good luck, OP. Sounds very hard for you and your DD. You are not being the unreasonable one here.

Original poster

yummum19 · 15/03/2013 21:49

LilyAmaryllis I have asked him this question and he said it was purely because his ex doesn't want him to know. I will make sure DD knows when she is at a suitable age that she has a half brother but im hoping by then this would have been sorted and she will get to meet him.

It is very hard as i feel i have no control over this. I cannot keep our family together and have realised i don't actually know exactly what my DP gets up to.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/03/2013 21:50

Good luck. At least now you know you're not being unreasonable or a bitch. It might be worth having a quick look here before you have that conversation, just in case...

TimothyClaypoleLover · 15/03/2013 21:51

Well he is being a dick then if others are telling him his priorities are misplaced as well as you. Really sorry but you need to consider whether he really is the DP you thought he was and maybe you would be better off without him. Agree with others that he is probably telling ex one thing and you another.

Really hope your DP comes to his senses. Good luck.

badinage · 15/03/2013 21:52

Don't keep his secrets from his family.

It's unlikely to be his ex wanting to keep your daughter's existence a secret. Or at least not by herself. His son probably thinks they are back together as a family and that's why you and his other child aren't mentioned.

Original poster

yummum19 · 15/03/2013 22:01

OldLadyKnowsNothing That link is very interesting... out of all the examples my DP says most of them!

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 15/03/2013 22:02

Not being allowed to phone him when he's with his son because it would upset the ex is completely unacceptable . Why would it? Why would he care?
Whatever happens, good luck with the op; hope your dd is ok.

badinage · 15/03/2013 22:05

Great link OLKN. How interesting that the OP thinks it fits.

He probably did it to the ex too.

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