Advise needed, Im at my wits end

[Jiltedman]

Hi all,
I'm new to forums but searching some advise, or a sounding board.
I'll start by saying my wife left me a month ago, told me via text that we were no more. Since then I have barely seen her, she has moved out of our family home, taken out a loan and rented a flat. Turne her back on everything she worked for an wanted before..... I'm lost in my own thoughts, and can't work out what has happened. I think she is seeing someone else but have no concrete proof just very circumstantial. I'm sure if she is seeing someone it has been going on for less than a month though.
I will provide some background to all this.... approx 5 years ago my wife, then girlfriend fell pregnant, but due to finances and age we both decided to have an abortion. This was a horrible event and scarred us both, making me more determined to have a child in the future conceived the 'right' way. Fast forward to summer last year and 2 years of marriage, my wife fell pregnant again (again an accident). I panicked and needed some time to process things in my head, I felt a baby would have ruined things between us, (we had both agreed to wait until we were financially sound a few months previously). I was worried about the babies health as my wife was drinking and not very healthy so was reluctant to be optimistic at first..... This threw my wife into a craze and she spent a week sobbing and throwing herself into walls. This angered me but I tried remaining calm and said whatever happened I would support her an the baby unconditionally. Sadly after 3 weeks she lost the baby. I was gutted but tried being strong, she mistook this for not caring and a few weeks later she got drunk and called me a 'baby killer' which shut me down emotionally. My wife decided to go to a psycho-therapist for conselling and against my wishes began taking anti-depressants. Things were getting between us to the point that in January we purchased a second car and made sure it was child friendly, we even looked in baby shops at furniture to get an idea. At the end of the month she asked if she could stop taking the pill which I agreed to. Unbeknown to me uring this time her anti-depressants were being increased and in January she was given 150mg of Sertraline. One day she turned round to me and said she needed space and that she could look at me without resenting the 2 lost pregnancies, she asked for space which I gave her...... 3 days later (On Valentines Day) she text me to say we were finished.
She has already asked for a divorce, moved out and taken none of her possessions with her. I'm at the end of my tether having poured my heart out for the last month and being met with nothing..... What do I do? Is it a lost cause?

She took anti depressants against your will? How dare she take medicine provided by a trained professional to help her against your wishes!

Try letting her go and get the support and help she needs.

I didn't mean against my will...... Im into homeopathy, so would rather have tried dealing with the problems as a couple. She never really expressed how sad she was, instead told me ' I had been her rock and had kept her sane'

First off, how badly do you not want it to be a lost cause? I.e. how much do you want her back? What would you be willing to do to make it work again? (tell us if you want to, but main thing is to have it clear in your head).

Hard on the heels of that (if Yes) is Why do you want her back? What about your relationship, as was, etc. If you could wave a wand and have your wish, how and where would you be right now? (again, main thing is to know for yourself).

I think by now you've realised the fallacy of "being the rock", and that you need to share your own emotions in future. Don't get me wrong - your emotions place second (arguably a distant second) to a woman's in the case of an abortion or a miscarriage, TBH. But just knowing that you were grieving might have helped a lot in these instances.

I'm a little concerned with DW's need to do things "behind your back". It doesn't sound like you've got good communication between you.

I'm also really concerned that DW felt the need to leave everything behind. Why is this? Does she really want to shed everything about her life with you?Or is it possible that she feels threatened in any way? I'm sorry if I have a bit of a red-flag-o-meter going - I've spent a lot of time on the Emotional Abuse threads, and (particularly since I haven't heard any details about, for instance, the pouring out of your heart over the last month) I'm wondering if this isn't the other side of the story.

So, the main practical thing you can probably do is to pack up her things and ensure they get to her however she wants (a third party delivering them, her coming to collect when you're not around, etc). I hope I'm wrong and that fear is not her problem, and if I am, this will help reassure her that her needs are important.

Good luck.

Thanks for the message. In answer to your initial question I want her back more than I want anything else. I would give up all I have just for another chance. I want her back as really she completes me, she has been my life for the last 7 years. I have passed up on many opportunities gladly to have made her happy (or so I thought!).
Yeah I completely understanding my feelings more, Ive done a lot of soul searching in the last month and through counselling I realise I have maybe not been forthcoming enough...... All the men in my life have always been strong silent types, so I guess I thought that was how to be. To say I didn't grief isn't quite correct, I did and we bought a rose to mark the event. It's just my grief wasn't the same as hers.
I have no iea why she feels the need to leave everything behind, it's very bizarre and out of character. She hasn't told her family the true story either from what I can gather. She has created a safe bubble for herself with work friends.
I thought our communication was good, as I say in January we were talking and planning for a baby.
I have packed up her stuff and offered to leave it out for her, or drop it into work but she is not interested.
I fairly positive that fear isnt an issue..... She has been round once in the last month and bought us dinner, and kissed and cudled me, almost as if she had never gone.
The main thing I worry about is that she isn't right, I worry she has created such a situation in her head that she feels to leave is the only option..... I don't know how to get through to her.Ultimately if we get back together or not my hope is that she becomes happy....

I think you probably dealt the marriage a fatal blow last summer with your reaction to the pregnancy and then your reaction to her grief and depression following the miscarriage.

It is very shocking that she sent a text telling you it was over but sometimes people just don't feel able to communicate face to face for fear of losing control in some way.

It certainly sounds as if she's determined to make a clean break and start a new life. There's nothing you can do other than deal with your feelings and perhaps learn some lessons for the future.

I have a horrible feeling you're right. But I cant understand why now? Why not then?
Id do anything for another chance.....The internet is littered with similar reactions whilst taking anti-depressants.
I want to help her, really I do. I can't help but think she'd be happier in the long run with me.

Is she a Mumsnetter?

Im not sure..... Im questionning everything in the last year to be honest.

Well to be fair the internet is littered with a lot of stuff that isn't very helpful and you've already indicated that you disapprove of AD's so perhaps you are only reading things that confirm your view?

Fact is many people have been helped and even saved by AD's. I think you should stop looking at that as the source of the trouble and, since are still in friendly contact with her occasionally, use those times to gently talk to her about her reasons.

Maybe thinking and planning for another baby brought back the grief for her full force and she realised she wouldn't be able to get past that with you?

Yeah I completely agree with you, maybe I am looking for someone else to blame.
Those friendly times have gone..... Now nothing, no communication at all. It's such a desperately sad situation.

HI I have to say I disagree the fact she went but left everything behind tell me she is hoping you will leave a door open for her . I know she has ask for a divorce but this might just be her testing the waters to see how you will react. Men dont in my experience deal well with miscarriage i know my DH didnt in fact he went to work the day it happened leaving me alone. So you are not alone in your struggle to express yourself. Let her know how much you love her and give her space its really all you can do.

Frankly, you may be onto something about anti-depressants. They can have a huge effect on a person. Despite my core belief (apols in advance) that homeopathy is a loada bullshit, I am kinda with you that anti depressants aren't the cure-all that a lot of people think, either. But that's not the main thing.

The main thing I'm seeing is that DW seems to see you as Not The Man To Have A Baby With. Indeed, the fact that she left you shortly after buying the child-friendly car, etc, bears this out, rather than contradicts. The closer she got to trying again, the more a part of her said 'No, not this'.

If you're not in agreement over fundamental matters as a couple, fair enough, but imagine how it would be if you had these disagreements over how to raise a child! Again, on the medical front (sorry, only example I know of in your case), that could have been a compleye bear trap. And your mention of a baby being conceived the 'right way', or being too poor or too young leads me to think you have some other fundamental differences about how a baby can be raised.

Out of interest, how old are you two? And what makes you believe you were too poor to have a child?

Ok I accept some of the above. Basically I have an inbuilt fear after losing my sister of SIDS that I always have wanted a baby to be made in the 'right' way. I know its irrational, but thats something I have always been very definite about. In terms of the money, yes I know we could have made do but I always wanted the best.....
I guess my feeling with many tablets in modern medicine is that they deal with the symptons rather than the root cause...... The tablets made her feel different rather than actually helping her come to terms with things.
I am nearly 30 but she is 25.

The other that hurts me is that since she has left she has started smoking/ drinking, and doesn't look to be in great health.....
In many ways if she had left and I saw her happy I would be able to move on..... the old addage of truly loving someone and setting them free.

So she's only allowed to move on on your terms? If you approve of how she's living her life? And what do you mean by having a baby in the right way?

Oh and as far as antidepressants go, you're well out of order. If a medical professional who is qualified to judge, decides she needs them and they'd do her good then - she needs them.

Yes, AD's deal with the symptoms it's true and in that way can help people who have become too overwhelmed by their symptoms to deal with the underlying issues. She was also seeing a therapist so presumably was in that way trying to deal with the root problems.

She was very young when you got together and she's been through a lot.

Thanks for that completely unhelpful response. She is entitled to do what she wants but I'd like her to be happy.
Doctors aren't qualified to judge, they are qualified to advice. She saw a GP..... General Practioner. Not a mental health expert.

She hasn't seen a therapist for nearly 7 months. She has been through a lot, we both have.
Like I say I only want the best for her, if I saw her happy in her new life then I could walk away..... Broken hearted, but I put her happinness above mine.

You sound controlling to me. Gp is more than qualified to give out anti-depressants.

Can I just say (without sounding shitty) sometimes anti depressants can give you the get up and go to do things.
I had severe postnatal depression after my first baby and the antidepressants almost split marriage up. I started off on citalopram and they made me so much worse than I was initially, I was then swapped to fluoxetine which worked wonders.
Not sure if this makes sense but what I am trying to say is she may need longer to recover from what's happened in the past? Or maybe the antidepressants havemade her rrealise she wasn't happy? Sorry if it's not what you want to hear. I hope you resolve your situation

Noted. Whats happened is in the past, Im asking for some avise going forward. I don't need to be kicked, trust me Ive beaten myself up enough.

Just read about her drinking and smoking and it sounds very similar to me when I was on the wrong medication. Is she being monitored by anyone? The antidepressants might not suite her?

monkeysbignuts..... I guess that is what I'm worried about. Her doctor has not tried different tablets, just kept increasing the dosage.
I'm not knocking modern medicine at all, it does marvels in the right situation. Sometimes I feel that doctors can take a slightly to simplistic view on things. anti-depressants are incredibly clever tablets but they target such specific neurones that the wrong one can be devastating.
I can accept I messed up, I should have been more supportive. It just came as a huge shock to me and I was reacted wrong.

Not being monitored no..... Her doctor gave her the dose for 3 months.

I agree that the wrong ones can be very very bad, I have first hand experience of it.
Why don't you make an appointment with her Dr and talk over your concerns. They won't give you any information however you know her character prior to all this and that could be invaluable.
Sorry I can't offer anymore I hope you find a solution. She might be feeling dreadful if it's not working correctly