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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advise needed, Im at my wits end

58 replies

Jiltedman · 15/03/2013 16:23

Hi all,
I'm new to forums but searching some advise, or a sounding board.
I'll start by saying my wife left me a month ago, told me via text that we were no more. Since then I have barely seen her, she has moved out of our family home, taken out a loan and rented a flat. Turne her back on everything she worked for an wanted before..... I'm lost in my own thoughts, and can't work out what has happened. I think she is seeing someone else but have no concrete proof just very circumstantial. I'm sure if she is seeing someone it has been going on for less than a month though.
I will provide some background to all this.... approx 5 years ago my wife, then girlfriend fell pregnant, but due to finances and age we both decided to have an abortion. This was a horrible event and scarred us both, making me more determined to have a child in the future conceived the 'right' way. Fast forward to summer last year and 2 years of marriage, my wife fell pregnant again (again an accident). I panicked and needed some time to process things in my head, I felt a baby would have ruined things between us, (we had both agreed to wait until we were financially sound a few months previously). I was worried about the babies health as my wife was drinking and not very healthy so was reluctant to be optimistic at first..... This threw my wife into a craze and she spent a week sobbing and throwing herself into walls. This angered me but I tried remaining calm and said whatever happened I would support her an the baby unconditionally. Sadly after 3 weeks she lost the baby. I was gutted but tried being strong, she mistook this for not caring and a few weeks later she got drunk and called me a 'baby killer' which shut me down emotionally. My wife decided to go to a psycho-therapist for conselling and against my wishes began taking anti-depressants. Things were getting between us to the point that in January we purchased a second car and made sure it was child friendly, we even looked in baby shops at furniture to get an idea. At the end of the month she asked if she could stop taking the pill which I agreed to. Unbeknown to me uring this time her anti-depressants were being increased and in January she was given 150mg of Sertraline. One day she turned round to me and said she needed space and that she could look at me without resenting the 2 lost pregnancies, she asked for space which I gave her...... 3 days later (On Valentines Day) she text me to say we were finished.
She has already asked for a divorce, moved out and taken none of her possessions with her. I'm at the end of my tether having poured my heart out for the last month and being met with nothing..... What do I do? Is it a lost cause?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jiltedman · 15/03/2013 18:46

Thank you, I may try doing that. As I say I realise Ive made mistakes and if we are over then I have to move on....
However, her actions in the last month just dont ring true with her previous actions. Either I've never really known her, or things aren't right.

OP posts:
yellowbrickrd · 15/03/2013 18:48

No, he can not make an appt with her Dr to discuss her medication without her consent -fgs!

yellowbrickrd · 15/03/2013 18:52

That's not to say that you are necessarily wrong in your suspicions Jilted, you know her and none of us on here do, but you can't interfere in her treatment.

Are you on good terms with her family? Are they concerned about her?

monkeysbignuts · 15/03/2013 18:52

I know he can't discuss her, I'm not stupid. But if her mental health is a concern then he can go and raise those concerns! She was his wife and he is clearly worried about her.

Original poster
Jiltedman · 15/03/2013 18:54

Yes her family are also concerned and don't know really whats going on..... I don't want to tell her Mum too much. But I have asked them to look after her.

OP posts:
yellowbrickrd · 15/03/2013 18:55

But how will he 'raise those concerns'? You advised to make an appt with her GP to discuss his concerns about her treatment. There's no way the GP would agree to that just because 'she was his wife', it would be an appalling breach of trust.

LessMissAbs · 15/03/2013 18:59

How bad can a 25 year old's health be from a bit of drinking and smoking? Just because you are against anti-depressants, doesn't mean her GP didn't prescribe them for a valid reasons (and two abortions in her relationship with you are about as good a reason as can be). The way you describe the relationship actually makes it sound depressing and a bit of an ordeal ("giving up things for her" - really? or melodramatic). She may be wondering what she is getting out of it.

I echo that you sound controlling, you sound old fashioned and speak about her as if she is your possession. She has her whole life ahead of her and sounds as though she is now realising that.

monkeysbignuts · 15/03/2013 19:01

He is allowed to go and say that he is deeply concerned about her and worried she has got worse since starting treatment. If her family are also concerned I really would urge him to do so.
I am speaking from personal experience and went through a similar thing (albeit pnd) after having my first baby

yellowbrickrd · 15/03/2013 19:08

monkeys What do you imagine the GP's reaction would be to the estranged husband of a patient trying to tell him, without any involvement/agreement of the patient, that her medication is wrong? What can a GP possibly say that wouldn't be a breach of confidentiality?

Original poster
Jiltedman · 15/03/2013 19:10

I feel like I'm taking a battering here.
A bit of smoking/ drinking isn't an issue, but its a change in behaviour. Yes I have given things up within my career as she asked me to. It was a miscarraige last year.
If anyone is interested just google 'SSRI & Marriage' it isnt balanced reading, yet isn't a leading search.
I may be slightly old fashioned. But unfortunately having been brought up that way and never having been challenged on it I wasn't to know different.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jiltedman · 15/03/2013 19:12

It is possible to mention something to doctor and they can check up on it later.... It happened with my gran, and my aunt went in and spoke to doctor.

Im not knocking medicine/ doctors but they can only act upon what they are told.... If not told the full story then they can't act on that.

OP posts:
freddiemisagreatshag · 15/03/2013 19:14

If I thought my ex husband was going to my Gp to "tell them the full stoy" I'd be fuming.

Original poster
Jiltedman · 15/03/2013 19:16

If I thought my ex husband was going to my Gp to "tell them the full stoy" I'd be fuming. ....
and that is why Im reluctant. Feel caught in a hard place, damned if i do, damned if i dont

OP posts:
monkeysbignuts · 15/03/2013 19:17

When did I suggest he says the medication is wrong?
I would be dead now if my family hadn't raised concerns about me. I am sure a gp would be very interested to hear any concerns about a patient. If she seems worse then what on earth is wrong with her husband raising that concern?
Op you do what you feel is right by your wife. I honestly think you are concerned about her and if that's the case open your mouth and say so. Good luck

Original poster
Jiltedman · 15/03/2013 19:19

Thanks monkeysbignuts..... That is my motivation. It's not about our relationship so much now as seeing her well.

OP posts:
freddiemisagreatshag · 15/03/2013 19:20

She's left you. She's not your wife any more. Yu have to let her go and lead her own life and make her own decisions.

If she wants to get drunk smoke and swing naked from the chandeliers it's none of yur business

Leave her alone

freddiemisagreatshag · 15/03/2013 19:21

My phone is responsible for the spelling mistakes.

yellowbrickrd · 15/03/2013 19:24

monkeys, you said you had personal experience of a bad reaction to AD's and being changed to an alternative because they made you worse. The OP is suggesting that his ex's change of behaviour - ie leaving him, getting a place to live, having a close circle of friends and going out - is due to her medication. Have I misunderstood you?

HollyBerryBush · 15/03/2013 19:26

my wife fell pregnant again (again an accident). I panicked and needed some time to process things in my head, I felt a baby would have ruined things between us

All I'm seeing is me, me , me .... a normal happy couple would have embraced a baby, not seen it as a barrier to the relationship.

You won't want to hear it, but she's well shot of you, you come across as controlling and needy and wanting everything on your terms. No wonder she's in a dark place.

monkeysbignuts · 15/03/2013 19:26

Freddie are you honesty saying that you would leave well alone if you were in the same situation?

If someone you love changes dramatically then you would be concerned. What harm can it do. It will be noted and next time she visits they might ask more leading questions just to make sure she is well. If she is well then no harm has been done.
I am an ex mental health nurse and we always asked the family because they know the person the most, well or unwell.

freddiemisagreatshag · 15/03/2013 19:28

Also I feel compelled to point out that if you were putting your penis in her vagina without a condom then she didn't fall pregnant. You had a hand in it.

freddiemisagreatshag · 15/03/2013 19:29

Monkeys - I would leave alone yes. She has a family. She has friends I will guarantee she's out the celebrating her new life.

I think the op sounds controlling and suffocating. And I think she's well rid and off letting her hair down and that's no bad thing and she deserves it.

Original poster
Jiltedman · 15/03/2013 19:33

Ok, maybe I was hoping for slightly more support. Essentially the thing is Im concerned as her personality has change massively. The people who are now her friends she had no time for at the start of the year.
I may appear controlling but Id say it is a fine line between caring, providing and controlling.
In regards your last comment..... I guarantee she isn't out having fun as shes working every hour going.

OP posts:
yellowbrickrd · 15/03/2013 19:34

monkeys As an ex mental health nurse you will also know that it's often the family that are the source of the illness.

freddiemisagreatshag · 15/03/2013 19:35

Ell if she's working and holding down a job then she's hardly drugged and drinked up permanently is she?

Step away, leave her alone. Let her live her life if its meant to be she will come back to you when she is ready.

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