Advise needed, Im at my wits end

[Jiltedman]

Hi all,
I'm new to forums but searching some advise, or a sounding board.
I'll start by saying my wife left me a month ago, told me via text that we were no more. Since then I have barely seen her, she has moved out of our family home, taken out a loan and rented a flat. Turne her back on everything she worked for an wanted before..... I'm lost in my own thoughts, and can't work out what has happened. I think she is seeing someone else but have no concrete proof just very circumstantial. I'm sure if she is seeing someone it has been going on for less than a month though.
I will provide some background to all this.... approx 5 years ago my wife, then girlfriend fell pregnant, but due to finances and age we both decided to have an abortion. This was a horrible event and scarred us both, making me more determined to have a child in the future conceived the 'right' way. Fast forward to summer last year and 2 years of marriage, my wife fell pregnant again (again an accident). I panicked and needed some time to process things in my head, I felt a baby would have ruined things between us, (we had both agreed to wait until we were financially sound a few months previously). I was worried about the babies health as my wife was drinking and not very healthy so was reluctant to be optimistic at first..... This threw my wife into a craze and she spent a week sobbing and throwing herself into walls. This angered me but I tried remaining calm and said whatever happened I would support her an the baby unconditionally. Sadly after 3 weeks she lost the baby. I was gutted but tried being strong, she mistook this for not caring and a few weeks later she got drunk and called me a 'baby killer' which shut me down emotionally. My wife decided to go to a psycho-therapist for conselling and against my wishes began taking anti-depressants. Things were getting between us to the point that in January we purchased a second car and made sure it was child friendly, we even looked in baby shops at furniture to get an idea. At the end of the month she asked if she could stop taking the pill which I agreed to. Unbeknown to me uring this time her anti-depressants were being increased and in January she was given 150mg of Sertraline. One day she turned round to me and said she needed space and that she could look at me without resenting the 2 lost pregnancies, she asked for space which I gave her...... 3 days later (On Valentines Day) she text me to say we were finished.
She has already asked for a divorce, moved out and taken none of her possessions with her. I'm at the end of my tether having poured my heart out for the last month and being met with nothing..... What do I do? Is it a lost cause?

Can I just say this isn't aibu. He is asking for advice and support. You're doing no harm voicing concerns. Better than ignoring them imo

So when does "voicing concerns"'cross in to being controlling and/or bad mouthing and shit stirring?

I've given advice. Step away and let her be. If its meant of be, she will find the op when she's ready. But right now she doesn't want him so my advice is let her go.

It's no longer your business how she expresses herself in terms of her personality.

I'm not saying you weren't scarred by it, but an abortion is far more traumatising for a woman than for a man - and then you abandoned her emotionally when she fell pregnant again. Accept that you failed her. She has every right to move on.

You are no longer involved in what she does. Even if she does go into a self-destruct mode for a bit. It's not your job or your entitlement to have any effect on that.

Sorry if I am being harsh - and I do realise that you are hurting. But your own actions led to this, and you no longer have any place commenting on how she lives her life.

She took ADs because she had no support in her life and was under great stress and unable to cope with an influx of painful feelings.

Ok thanks..... I didn't ever abandon her, we have had some really good times in the interim.
It's easy to judge from afar. I have backed off and wished her well, doesn't mean I have stopped caring.

Funny way you have of showing it.

Hmm I think you're going to have to leave her to it. She has obviously had a traumatic time and this is her way of dealing with it. Give her space.Please don't knock anti depressants. They helped me during a very dark time. A GP is perfectly qualified to give out ADs and on her situation it's not an unusual thing. She could do with some counselling though.

I don't think its right that you stop caring but would advise that you do it from a distance, She may have told the truth to her Dr not you about her feelings if you shut down and didn't seem that concerned to her about the loss of two of her babies. She has friends and family and professional help and support.The truth she has told them may be the real truth and you haven't listened when she tried to tell you. She is newly single working long hours and going out with people that she likes. She has changed but that doesn't mean the changes are wrong for her, perhaps she wasn't being who she really is with you?You can Keep on caring but don't interfere. Sorry you are finding this hard but she is an adult living how she wants and IME anti depressants can help things become clearer when you are struggling with trauma.

Sorry OP, but I agree with Freddie. You can approve or disapprove, but her life is nothing to do with you anymore.

To me it sounds like she hasn't been happy in a long time and is now letting her hair down. You sound more worried that she may be having a good time without you.

From what you've written, you do sound massively controlling. If she is a Mumsnetter as I suspect that's why you're here and you've come on here to try and garner sympathy, it will backfire because it will make you look like a stalker. If I'm wrong about this, I apologise.