Is having a baby such a bad thing to help rebuild a troubled relationship?

[TheCatAndTheFiddle]

I think I know it is but I need to hear it from external sources, and need to understand why.

I'm going to be brutally honest below - I have received a lot of help and support on the boards re the fling in the past.

DH and I have been through a rough patch. TTC unsuccessfully for a year, I then had a brief 'fling' with someone I work with (such a bloody cliche), I immediately sought individual counselling to discuss why I had done such a thing, I spoke honestly with DH about his own behaviour in our relationship some of which has also been appalling, 7 months on we are rebuilding our relationship and in couple counselling which has been great. I am more aware of both of our faults and needs, and at the moment I'm looking forward to a future with DH that a few months ago I thought was impossible.

We stopped the TTC in the circumstances, as is of course sensible, but now things are looking up I am desperate to start again for a few reasons. Firstly I want to 'cement' the relationship with DH that has been rocky in the recent past, secondly, my age/situation just mean my biological urges are strong, and thirdly (and this is the worst reason) I still work with the colleague and he has made it clear he is interested in me. On some level I want to send a message to him that anything between us is definitely over and that my DH and I have a future together.

Please help me - I know how stupid I'm being but I'm feeling desperate. The year of unsuccessful TTC has terrified me that if/when we ever try again it may not work for a long time or at all.

To me it seems like a baby might give DH and I something to bring us closer together, something to look forward to, a solid future. I am an idiot, I know this...

Grow up.

Deal with the mess in your life, the mess YOU caused and HOPE that your H truly forgives you. I know I wouldn't.

You are young enough to start again, and so is your H.

For the love of cheeses, DON'T bring a poor innocent child into this, if all it is is a proof to your OM that he's barking up a tree you no longer feel he should be, kin d of, sort of.

If you want to make a gesture, make one to the man you hurt (your H). Resign your job and go work somewhere else, sever all ties to the OM and park everything else.

It might work. Atm, your H doesn't trust you, and with the comments you've made, not tackling this issue properly, I don't blame him.

Cheats are selfish. Try looking at your marriage through your H eyes, and do whatever it takes to repair that damage.

You are lucky he didn't boot your arse out.

'DH has, not surprisingly, properly backed off from TTC, buying a house, anything that is a commitment!'

Do you at all worry subconsciously that he might leave you? I can understand a baby being seen (however wrongly and misguidedly) as something that would 'cement' a relationship, ie give him a reason NOT to leave.

I would echo what every single other person here has said. Our two babies almost broke us, even second time round when we knew what to expect. There were times when I actually hated my DH. I was repulsed by him physically for quite a while after dc1 (looking back I'm sure I had PND) And never wanted him to touch me again. Our eldest is now 8 and there is no question we have drifted apart a lot...but when we DO spend time alone together I know and he knows that we will be ok longer term as we are still best friends, we just need more time. The instinct to prioritise a child over your partner is phenomenal. No-one will ever explain the force or strength of that bond to you , and it is this which I believe pushes your partner away...because you simply DON'T have the same strength of bond with someone you haven't been a parent to.

We are starting to see some of our friends with kids marriages crumble. Children are the single most destructive force in a relationship...even though they are also the single greatest thing you ever do.

Hear hear, OrWellyAnn - that sums it up for me.

Recently separated with 2DC. DC2 was the baby who didn't sleep which took me to the edge with having to work full time too... two days after DS first birthday - DH's out the door!

I know we've split only recently but have realised that the focus being off DH and me needing more support than I've ever needed in our almost 10 year relationship is what killed it (other things too of course but that sealed it )

The point, which everyone else has made, is that our supposedly solid marriage didn't last more than a year of sleepless nights for me (!), no real time as a couple and working full time (again, just me!) and built up resentment which we never came back from...

I'm actually enjoying being on my own with the kids but it would never have been my choice!

Hmm. I think you probably had your fling because your hormones and your subconscious were telling you that your current H is, in fact, firing blanks. Did either you or he have any actual fertility testing during your rough patch of unsuccessful TTC? Or was the 'rough patch' partly due to you being very keen to have a baby and him being unwilling or unable to produce a performing cock at the right moment? I think there's a lot of 'Waa, waa, MONOGAMY BREACHED' on this thread, which isn't necessarily helpful or relevant. What you have to ask yourself is whether you want a couple-relationship more than a baby, or the other way round. When you've answered that question it might help you decide what to do.

SKillbo: sounds to me like what killed your marriage was being unable to ignore, any longer, the fact that your H expected the household and the marriage to revolve around him - it happens a lot because it's easy to minimize and ignore this type of attitude from a man when there isn't a baby who takes priority...

I have found personally that having a baby we have had more arguments now than we did before. But if we didn't have a solid relationship to start with it may have been too much.

Monogamy breached is very relevant: OP has not posted much about her H, other than he refuses to TTC since the affair. So it matters to him, and if she wants the marriage restored and a baby with him, it's go to be dealt with.

Of course I she wants to leave (something she has not mentioned), then restoring the relationship her H had believed monogamous becomes irrelevant.

It could help your marriage, actually. It depends on how much of a baby person you'll turn out to be. Ditto for your partner.

Our DD lights up our home. It just so happens that my DH is crazy about babies (to his utter astonishment). Nurturing together is one of the purposes of a relationship and can definitely give it meaning, provided the love and committment are present.

You'll be aware of the downside - no time together, sleep deprivation, poor, never get a lie in, rarely get to go out. That can wear you down a bit as a couple. And roles change - if you are at home more and perhaps finding things difficult, while your DH goes on as usual, the relationship will change. But you know that.

Yearning to start for a baby is a very strong emotion. I'm not saying you should act on it now, necessarily, but ignoring it is not a realistic solution either.

And as for this 'We found that having a baby nearly tore us apart and we were in a perfect relationship for a decade beforehand'... tosh.

If having a baby almost tears a couple apart after a long time together, perhaps settling into a groove for a decade is not the best introduction for the exploding grenade that is (supposedly) having a child.

But 2am it does sound to me at least as if a baby is wanted not for itself ie a new person coming into the world but as a solution to the problem which the OP faces. Ie prove to OM that their affair is over, get to avoid work for 6 month, possibly a year etc. In these circumstances a baby isn't going to help the marriage to recover.

SGB - you talk a lot of sense, as always

I don't go for this having a baby nearly tore us apart as being the norm. Though nobody can deny that it can happen. Over the years I've known a couple of really happily married people and then a baby comes along and the DH leaves before the baby is even born. That is very sad and I don't pretend to understand how on earth this can happen.

Hi

Thanks for all the responses, I've read and thought about each one.

No baby will entering our lives for some time to come, no one needs to worry! I really just started the thread to get down some thoughts that I can't easily share in real life and get some opinions.

We will keep going with the counselling - both of us want a future together that hopefully one day includes children. We both have some work to do. I will speak to DH about the unsuccessful TTC and potentially getting fertility tests without actually restarting trying.

I'm going to sign off from this thread now but am grateful to you all for your thoughts.

Good luck op, hope it works out