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Original poster

Is having a baby such a bad thing to help rebuild a troubled relationship?

89 replies

TheCatAndTheFiddle · 15/03/2013 09:25

I think I know it is but I need to hear it from external sources, and need to understand why.

I'm going to be brutally honest below - I have received a lot of help and support on the boards re the fling in the past.

DH and I have been through a rough patch. TTC unsuccessfully for a year, I then had a brief 'fling' with someone I work with (such a bloody cliche), I immediately sought individual counselling to discuss why I had done such a thing, I spoke honestly with DH about his own behaviour in our relationship some of which has also been appalling, 7 months on we are rebuilding our relationship and in couple counselling which has been great. I am more aware of both of our faults and needs, and at the moment I'm looking forward to a future with DH that a few months ago I thought was impossible.

We stopped the TTC in the circumstances, as is of course sensible, but now things are looking up I am desperate to start again for a few reasons. Firstly I want to 'cement' the relationship with DH that has been rocky in the recent past, secondly, my age/situation just mean my biological urges are strong, and thirdly (and this is the worst reason) I still work with the colleague and he has made it clear he is interested in me. On some level I want to send a message to him that anything between us is definitely over and that my DH and I have a future together.

Please help me - I know how stupid I'm being but I'm feeling desperate. The year of unsuccessful TTC has terrified me that if/when we ever try again it may not work for a long time or at all.

To me it seems like a baby might give DH and I something to bring us closer together, something to look forward to, a solid future. I am an idiot, I know this...

OP posts:
startlife · 15/03/2013 13:41

Echo everyone's comments but also add lack of money into the mix! DH & I coped well with the baby stages but I've struggled to adjust to the difference in career as a result of being a mum. I have had to mostly give up my career (due to a non sleeping ds) and the financial security that goes with that. The reduction in financial independence and lack of stimulation has impacted my confidence - which causes issues in the relationship.

If your working life is important to you then think about how you would realistically manage unless your DH become the SAHP.

Miggsie · 15/03/2013 13:50

A baby is not a thing you have for a bit - it is a massive life long committment and the first few years are so tough - DH and I had a solid 13 year relationship before becoming parents, twice now we have nearly packed it in - some bits of parenthood are so bloody hard it's untrue. The rewards are massive, but it is relentless, and if you are not happy now, you surely won't be happy when you have had only 4 hours sleep, you are covered in vomit and your husband is "delayed" somewhere.

My brother and his wife have had a truly unhappy 20 years of marriage, and had children to bring them closer, it didn't owrk, they don't even speak now - the last 17 years of "staying together for the children" has simply produced 2 unhappy adults and 2 unhappy children - one I would say has personality problems that will seriously impact her adult life.

narmada · 15/03/2013 13:52

If no-one has said this already...

You also need to consider the possibility that any child might have additional needs. It's not uncommon.

It seems to me that your problems would be better solved by a) changing your job (you can't have a baby to avoid your colleague!) b) carrying on with the counselling and c) getting some fertility checks done so you know where you stand and aren't acting out of panic. How old are you BTW?

It's a bad idea. Ask my SIL, who had a baby in similar circumstances (although she hadn't had an affair) and is now divorced and dealing with the fallout, as are her children.

PureQuintessence · 15/03/2013 13:54

You are NUTS to bring a baby into your rocky life to show another man that you are serious with your husband. If you are that concerned about your fling/love interest, I suggest you move on to a different job, not bring a baby into it! Shock

You want to have a baby for all the wrong reasons!

If you and your husband need to work that hard on your relationship, without a baby in the equation, you should seriously consider moving on.

VoiceofUnreason · 15/03/2013 13:59

Irresponsible in the extreme.

ToomuchWaternotWine · 15/03/2013 14:09

A wise friend once described having a baby as "throwing a small, screaming, pooping grenade into a relationship and dealing with it exploding every day for 18 years"

I would strongly advise against having a baby in the circumstances, and for the reasons, you have told us. It's not fair on the child.

Dozer · 15/03/2013 14:19

Another issue, if your issues with DH were anything to do with any of the following, they'd be likely to get worse after DC: him being grumpy/not treating you well/not pulling his weight domestically/spending excessive time working or on a hobby/drinking........

PureQuintessence · 15/03/2013 14:24

I think you also need to look back to what caused you to have an affair in the first place.

What made you look elsewhere?

This may perhaps be the clue to whether there is a point staying married or not.

fufflebum · 15/03/2013 14:30

Hello

I have not read all the replies to your post but felt very strongly I should answer the question that you are posting.

I would urge you not to have a baby as a way of cemeting a relationship. IME as a parent of two children and having a relationship with the father of these two children for 13 years I can only express how hard having children is.

Is there is any doubt about your relationship as this stage I would urge you to not try and conceive but sort through your issues with your partner first.

When a baby comes along you will not have the energy, time or physical and emotional resources to deal with relationship issues.

Please sort your issues out before you bring a baby in to the mix, for your, your DH and the future childs benefit.

Crinkle77 · 15/03/2013 14:39

YABU for thinking a baby will cement a relationship

DistanceCall · 15/03/2013 14:54

I don't think moogy was harsh at all in her first post. She was realistic. Bringing a baby into an unstable relationship to "bring you together" is selfish. No child should be brought into the world with a "role" to fulfil.

DistanceCall · 15/03/2013 14:56

And I can't tell you how stupid having a baby as a "message" to the OM is. If you want to make it clear that you don't want to have anything more to do with him, then don't. If you want to continue to see him, do. But don't bring a blameless baby into this.

sparklekitty · 15/03/2013 15:05

As someone who has a very strong relationship with DH I'd say wait. My DH and I can count our arguments in 7 years on one hand, however, the late nights/lack of sleep/stress of having a 6mo has tested us. You have to renegotiate lots of your relationship while you have very little time or patience. A baby could well put enough strain on to end a not so stable relationship.

Partridge · 15/03/2013 15:17

Just to add a contrary viewpoint - accidentally getting preg with ds1 definitely cemented our relationship. The early days were not a living hell - we loved every minute and we have got closer with each other ds (3 in total).

We were very very rocky when I got pregnant and not even living together (frequently breaking up) but the minute I showed him the positive test things got better and better.

However - the reasons that we were rocky had a lot to do with his subconscious desire to have a family and his obsession with whether I was the "right" mother for his kids. All very childish and selfish in retrospect but he couldn't be lovelier now and is an amazing dad and (now) husband.

I'm not sure this situation fits with yours though - just wanted to counteract all the horror stories of having babies. I absolutely love it and we thrive on it (sorry that sounds disgustingly smug).

I am, however, dreading the teenage years!

cestlavielife · 15/03/2013 15:55

have a baby if you both are committeed to having a baby and bringing the baby and child up. whether you end up together or apart. have a conversation about bringign a child into the world and being both commtted to the child, evn if you split up down the line.

dont have a baby to prove something - or to mend your relationship. it wont work.

TheLibrarianOok · 15/03/2013 19:43

I don't think you've fully understood the deep and lasting effects that betraying someone can have on them. I completely understand why your DH has backed off from doing anything that's remotely committing him further to your relationship.

7 months is far too soon to be having a child. You're not past the affair fully yet and neither is he.

A baby would be utter madness. Don't even think of it unless you are prepared to bring it up as a single mum.

tessa6 · 16/03/2013 00:06

Wow this is fascinating as a woman without kids in her early 30s. I'm kind of sad and intimidated because I don't think I've ever been in a relationship I would describe as 'rock solid' that could withstand the sort of onslaught you're describing. And I don't think they're particularly dysfunctional. Is this an argument for having children fairly early in a relationship? Before wear and tear begins to show? I feel rather depressed! Hope you're okay, OP. I understand your feelings but I think a baby as a way of inducing collective amnesia is clearly the wrong way forward here. I bet you just want to feel loved and loving and morally unambiguous. Don't force yourself to be a madonna or a whore. Forgive yourself the affair. Then ask yourself what you really really want.

scottishmummy · 16/03/2013 00:08

Tessa,would you advise a man to forgive himself affair?or just woman

tessa6 · 16/03/2013 00:34

SM, I'd advise anyone who had an affair, ended it, and was now working committedly on rebuilding their relationship to come to a point where they could forgive themselves. Self-forgiveness in someone genuinely sorry is actually a way of encouraging better behaviour, as proven by the confusing but proven success of confession in the Catholic church. Giving decent people a blank slate in their own minds - if they genuinely want to be a better person - helps them be so. Otherwise you can do foolish things like have a baby with someone out of guilt, or stay in a relationship you will always deeply resent because you think you owe them or betray again because you think 'well i've already cheated, so I'm already a bad person, I may as well keep on cheating since I've broken my vows already.' Forgiving yourself doesn't mean you're okay with the behavior, but that you understand it and understand it's in the past and want to commit to love for love's sake, not as a punishment.

sjupes · 16/03/2013 00:43

My aunts 3rd child was the 'sticky plaster' baby - she still ended up dovorced but raising 3 kids alone instead of 2 and the youngest has been a spoilt little brat all his life to make up for his parents not being together.

I personally wouldn't do it unless you take on board you may well become a single parent.

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 16/03/2013 00:58

A child won't cement your relationship; it forces your 1:1 bond to stretch to acc

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 16/03/2013 01:00

....Accommodate a third person. It changes the dynamic forever. If your relationship is already strained and a bit brittle, it will break.

tessa6 · 16/03/2013 01:04

So would all those here who had children and are still in those marriages have described them as rock solid? I'm scared I might never have kids if it demands a sort of perfectly timed loved up but rock solid ultra harmony...?

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 16/03/2013 03:12

It is not rock solid ultra harmony: it never was but we had been through some brilliant and some terrible times already, seen each other at our best and worst, our strongest and most vulnerable.

It can't prepare you for having 2 become 3 and being parents, nothing can.

But it meant we trusted each other, knew each other best and worst and then we always wanted children was the deciding factor.

We have one DS. Being assessed for special needs. The first 18 months nearly broke us, but didn't break us up: the storms we had already weathered gave us hope we'd get through.

WankbadgersBreakfast · 16/03/2013 04:12

Mmmh, bandaid babies. Bandaids are temporary. Children are not. A friend is pregnant with a bandaid baby. She and her H are so rocky it's Titanic revisited, only this time when they break up, she'll be a single mum of two, instead of one.

Without children, if you do break up you never have to see him again. With children, you're stuck with him being around for the next 18 years.