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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is having a baby such a bad thing to help rebuild a troubled relationship?

89 replies

TheCatAndTheFiddle · 15/03/2013 09:25

I think I know it is but I need to hear it from external sources, and need to understand why.

I'm going to be brutally honest below - I have received a lot of help and support on the boards re the fling in the past.

DH and I have been through a rough patch. TTC unsuccessfully for a year, I then had a brief 'fling' with someone I work with (such a bloody cliche), I immediately sought individual counselling to discuss why I had done such a thing, I spoke honestly with DH about his own behaviour in our relationship some of which has also been appalling, 7 months on we are rebuilding our relationship and in couple counselling which has been great. I am more aware of both of our faults and needs, and at the moment I'm looking forward to a future with DH that a few months ago I thought was impossible.

We stopped the TTC in the circumstances, as is of course sensible, but now things are looking up I am desperate to start again for a few reasons. Firstly I want to 'cement' the relationship with DH that has been rocky in the recent past, secondly, my age/situation just mean my biological urges are strong, and thirdly (and this is the worst reason) I still work with the colleague and he has made it clear he is interested in me. On some level I want to send a message to him that anything between us is definitely over and that my DH and I have a future together.

Please help me - I know how stupid I'm being but I'm feeling desperate. The year of unsuccessful TTC has terrified me that if/when we ever try again it may not work for a long time or at all.

To me it seems like a baby might give DH and I something to bring us closer together, something to look forward to, a solid future. I am an idiot, I know this...

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 15/03/2013 09:51

yeah I think hes right to back off and you have time, early 30's, you still have time

dont push anything and try to enjoy each other

Original poster
TheCatAndTheFiddle · 15/03/2013 09:52

That's the thing girl I know I can't TTC without DH's agreement - I just wanted help exploring and understanding the various reasons at the moment, and to hear things for people who have been there.

Thanks for all replies.

OP posts:
GirlWiththeLionHeart · 15/03/2013 09:54

remove the romantic notion of being snuggled up as a loved up threesome with a bundle of joy and focus on whether you could survive living hell together

Grin love this. MN could work as a contraceptive !

LittleBearPad · 15/03/2013 09:59

If you're early thirties you have time to TTC in future years or deal with potential problems. A baby is a completely overwhelming thing and leaves very little time for parents to spend time with one another or on their relationship. If there are existing problems then it will be even harder.

As for OM you need to tell him to back off. Even if you got pregnant this month you wouldn't be on mat leave for 6 months. You can't use it as a way to avoid him. You may well need to look for a new job if you can't tell him to go away.

scaevola · 15/03/2013 10:03

If you're still hung up on the drama of the situation, then you are still living in the bubble of the affair.

It is unlikely the relationship with DH will improve for as long as this continues.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 15/03/2013 10:04

It's not a joke GIRL - honestly all that MyLolliPop says is TRUE!!!!!!

I went in to motherhood extremely naively (like you), and believe me, although the best thing ever it is soooooooo hard, you will get the shock of your life.

You do have time, and I don't want to put you off at all, but you have got to be absolutely rock solid for your marriage to survive.

Dahlen · 15/03/2013 10:07

What about your DH? Do you feel your DH has changed the things that led to your initial unhappiness? What incentive does he have not to go back to his former behaviour if you are tired, stressed and irritable at home and he's given a perfect excuse to behave in kind? Do you want to be caring for a baby in addition to feeling as miserable as you did before the affair? Especially as this time round you'll be unable to have an affair (nothing like a baby for preventing adultery Wink) or find any other escape route other than becoming a single parent.

Having a baby would be the most guaranteed way to put things right back to what they were in the darkest days of your marriage.

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 15/03/2013 10:15

Oh I know, keepcool it's eerily spot on! Sat here with my 3 month old still thinking 'what the hell have I done?!' Grin

jasmineramsden · 15/03/2013 10:15

Don't do it. Wait at least a year after these sorts of problems (fling etc) before you even contemplate it.
I always thought I had a decent understanding of the work involved in parenting, friends and close family with babies etc, but my god, I didn't have a clue.
My little one is almost 2 and its only now I feel I'm starting to come out of the fog. Every single thing you do will revolve around the child and there have been many occasions I've wanted to throttle my DP for being so laid back and not proactive..lack of sleep and hormones thrown in to the mix with treasures like colic to deal with..emotions running high....no spontanaiety...just WAIT x

Nicolaeus · 15/03/2013 10:21

DH and I were solid and remained solid during pregnancy, birth, newborn months, moving flats....however we have now decided we have to find time for our couple because 17 months with a refluxy, non-sleeping baby/toddler means that we barely see each other. We dont argue (not our style) we're just drifting apart. DH said he feels like he hardly knows me anymore. So tomorrow we're off on a date Smile

It is hard and its a marathon not a sprint. We congratulated ourselves on surviving the first year with no arguments, not realising that a few months later work and a non-sleeping toddler would just drive us apart. We still love and appreciate each other tho - we just need to find time to be together (DS has an annoying habit of screaming when DH tries to hug/kiss me which doesnt help!)

OxfordBags · 15/03/2013 10:33

I think Moogy was right, if a bit blunt. Having a child is about THE CHILD, not you two. You can't bring another person into existence to help or heal the problems of existing people, it's v selfish. What you think or hope having a child would do for you, it won't. Because it ceases to be about you the moment that baby exits your body. And if that baby is only there to be about you then... Well, not the best start in life.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 15/03/2013 10:33

Girl - so sorry! That message was for The Cat!!

Girl - I am feeling for you, but honestly it does get better, and you wouldn't swap them for the world would you! Good Luck x

flossy101 · 15/03/2013 10:44

I have an 8 month old, and would say it definitely tests your relationship. It's hard and a less than solid relationship might not survive.

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 15/03/2013 11:38

No, I definitely wouldn't, thank you keepcool

kalidanger · 15/03/2013 11:43

Can you imagine saying all this to your DH, TheCat? That you are still a bit hung up on OM, that being pregnant is the best way you can think of to show him you aren't interested, even though you are, a bit? Also that you think some ML might be nice so you don't have to see him? So, DH, in order to paper over these cracks; will you have a baby with me?

It's not good, is it.

Viviennemary · 15/03/2013 11:43

If you can offer a baby a secure and loving home then why should you not have one. But only you can decide this.

scottishmummy · 15/03/2013 11:47

If you and dh aren't close a baby won't fix your broken relationship
If dh annoys you as childless guy,he'll not suddenly change as a father.he won't
Your affair is symptomatic you were/are unhappy. A baby wont alleviate your malaise

Lueji · 15/03/2013 11:49

A baby can only possibly make it worse.
And not good for the child when the parents eventually split, nor good for either of you if you stay because of the child.

First make sure you are on safe ground.

Kione · 15/03/2013 12:42

The ONLY reason you should have to have a baby is that you want a baby. End of.

scottishmummy · 15/03/2013 12:45

No.that's not enough.simple desire to procreate isn't indicative of sutability or appropriateness
Simply wanting a baby isn't enough.its juvenile to reduce it to wants a baby,have baby

Kione · 15/03/2013 12:46

Girl, I wanted mine badly but discovered that I am not a natural with tiny babies, each month that passed was easier, when she was 1 suddenly a huge weight left my shoulders (normal food, cows milk, not sterilising...) and I just cant leave her alone that she 3.5 now Grin
excuse the offtopic

Kione · 15/03/2013 12:49

maybe I didnt word it.right, I didnt mean that everyone who wants a baby should have one. But I dont see possible to have a baby for any other reason. Is there other validreasons to have a baby rather that wanting a child??

Trills · 15/03/2013 12:52

GirlWithTheLionHeart I find Mumsnet a fantastic antidote to any potential broodiness :)

Teeb · 15/03/2013 12:53

I think it should be a combination of wanting a child, and knowing you can provide that child with the love and care and upbringing a new human life needs.

If you don't believe you can provide that, then I do believe those people are selfish simply giving in to their 'wants' and cravings.

Trills · 15/03/2013 12:54

scottishmummy I sort of agree with you.

The only reason you should have a baby is because you want a baby, then a child, then a larger child, then a teenager, then an adult who is your child.

But that's not necessarily sufficient reason on its own.

You shouldn't have a baby unless you want one (and all the things it will become), but just because you want one doesn't mean you should have one.