So, I think my husband has left

[pregnantandalone]

I have namechanged as I feel dreadful and am embarrassed tbh.

I don't even know where to start... we argued last weekend after a frankly shit mothers day, which ended with my husband shouting at me while I was sobbing that he can't stand me, I am horrible to him, he hates married life and he just wants to be single like his mates. All his mates can go out after work on a Friday night, why should he 'have' to come home.... I am in early pregnancy and feeling really ill, plus have a toddler and an older disabled child to look after.

If he does go out after work on a Friday, it is immediately after work and involves him staying at work until the next day. I have suggested he comes home first to help with the DC then go out, but he doesn't want to do that. I have no family nearby to help me because we moved due to his job.

We didn't really speak much after the row and I slept on the sofa for two nights following it. He has since been away. I text him earlier to ask if he was coming here when his flight gets in later and he said he doesn't know, he doubts it, but he is out tomorrow night. I text him back to ask when was happening and he has since ignored me.

he has three weeks off work starting Friday afternoon/Saturday and I don't know what to think tbh. Whenever we have a row he goes off in a huff and won't answer my calls or reply to my texts. He was violent on a couple of occasions a few years ago and although he got help and is embarrassed and mortified about that (I am not 'allowed' to mention it) I feel that he uses ignoring me as a type of emotional abuse as no one can 'call' him on it, if that makes sense?

I know it seems like he is awful and I am better off without him anyway and that's probably true, but I don't think I have the strength to leave yet. I almost hope he has left and then the chpoice is out of my hands, but I have no idea what I am going to do. I can't stop crying.

My H also goes off with no contact after a row (and becuase he has his own house it is a bit too easy)
I have found the answer (for me) it to completely ignore him. No texts, calls, nothing. This seems to bring him round rather sooner and is strangely satisfying. I recommend it as it doesn't erquire any other thought than "we are ok, don't contact him"

I do hope you are able to sort it all out soon.

However, I'm not sure why going out on a Friday means he has to stay out all night (or have I read that wrongly). That does seem a bit rum to me.

It would be better for you and your dcs if he has left, you don't need an abusive bastard in your life

Breathe. Sit down. Slow down. One thing at a time.

Firstly, this is unbelievable behaviour from a grown man and worse, while you are pregnant? Are the other kids his? Is he walking away from a wife and three kids to enjoy the single life. Let him off, you are totally strong enough for this.

I do actually think he would have done you a favour if he has left. But more likely is that he?ll ignore you, wreck your head, go off with the lads for a great week or two, then reality will hit and he?ll come crawling home to his warm house and family.

To do what? Hit you again. He?s despicable. Am really angry here.

I think you need to let him off, turn off your phone, mind yourself and the kids and do some thinking the next few days.

And be uncontactable. See how he likes it.

I think the reason he is being so difficult/ignoring me now (he has turned his phone off) is because I have 'ignored' him for a couple of days. In that, I haven't chased after him to come back or sort things out. The usual patern is he will leave in a strop, I will call/text him and he will then respond. He text me Tuesday night asking how the things/the toddler were and I replied she was fine. He then text back and said 'i meant you too' and I said I was fine too. He then text yesterday morning asking how things were to which I replied I wasn't sure what he wanted me to say after all he came out with on Sunday. He then rang me and when I answered he started shouting at me again saying how horrible I was, so I said goodbye and went.

I want to be strong and not contact him. I want to think I can manage alone, but I am tired and exhausted and ill (my pregnancy has a number of coomplications) and I am finding the DC exhausting. I feel like I want to riun away and just have some time to myself for a while, but of course, I am not in a position to do that...

Just to add, I am absolutely certain he won't hit me again. It would destroy his career and make his name mud and he knows that I would tell people. I think that is why he resorts to these tactics.

Physical abuse is unacceptable.

So is mental abuse.

And emotional abuse

and yet, us women keep putting up with it?

Sound like a complete control freak you have there Hun and that's no way to live - the mind games, the games, full stop.

Bloody hell leave him. He doesn't want to be married so give him exactly what he wants.
Are your older children his? Is he very young?

...and you're right.

A man who knows he cannot hit you again, who has the control not to; will take it out another way

first of all, are there any friends or family that you can ask for help if you are so tired.

Then - the choice does not have to be taken out of your hands - you can make the choice as to what you want to do next. You do not deserve to be spoken to like that and your H seems pretty clear that he doesnt want to me part of a family as he wants to live a single lads life. he can't have his cake and eat it too. A night out every now and then fine, but not out all night every week, not when you need support and help.

Ignore him, get some family/friends support and take some time to think about what you really want yourself.

I agree with tightfortime.
Ignore him - turn your phone off and give him a taste of his own medicine.
He really does sound like a total waste of space.
But - one thing at a time for you.
Nice sugary cup of tea and try to keep calm.
I hope it all works out for you the way you want.
Keep posting on here for the support you need.

I will wholeheartedly second what tightfortime said.

Hes abusive, and not just physically and what he is doing to you now is "making my foot itch"!!

Is there any way you & the kids can go & visit family at all?

It sounds to me like hes taking EVERYTHING out on you, and that should stop now.
Stay as strong as i know you are & turn off your phone and concentrait on you & yours.

Much love

My older DC aren't his, the toddler is. He is not young, but he has just turned 40 and I wonder if that has anything to do with this? (Not an excuse I know)

Family are a two day drive away really. I would also have to stay in a hotel as there is no room for us with any family. I have a hospital appointment on Monday and will maybe see how I feel after that.

I have stuck the DC in front of a DVD (only older one ois at school today as younger one has a virus) and as soon as older DC gets home I will start dinner and get bedtimes done. I think I will feel better when I can just crash on the sofa.

Thankyou for the replies, they help, because I often think I am at least partly to blame because I do argue back and he makes me feel like I am stopping him doing things. He never complains when I go out, but I very rarely can/do, but he goes out often and always takes the piss when he does. I feel so worn down by it all.

What's the other option though - to lie down and let him walk all over you (which seems to be what he wants)? He said some nasty, horrible things to you and he should be grovelling, not shouting at you over the phone.

I wonder what his single friends or parents would think if they knew he was being such a shit to his pregnant wife? That could be quite career-damaging too...

Sorry to veer off a bit but why am I seeing so many mumsnetters moving miles to be with their men, away from family and friends, having babies and ending up isolated while he's in the pub doing as he pleases? It's not co-incidence is it?

OP, it's your decision and don't rush it. See how you feel after the weekend and hospital but really, I think you know what you should do. I know the complicated pregnancy makes it so much more difficult but you must do what's right for you - and the kids.

What you don't know is how. There are always ways and means.

I would start by confiding in family or friends, even if they are away. Or the GP.

And stop taking any blame. The man is emotionally battering you with the silence, the shouting, the guilt trips, the Jekyll and Hyde routine.

How bloody dare he

He has left you on your own and the children and hasn't bothered filling his duties, which is something he clearly disregards in wanting to go out every Friday.
Because he's having a strop.
Good parents and spouses don't do that, regardless of disagreements.

What a foul man

and a poor excuse for a father

your kids are better off without this waste of oxygen

There are many more ways to abuse someone than punching them in the gob.

-The following is just my opinion -

he wants you to beg and plead forgiveness. Pleeeeeeeease come home, I'm sooo sorry.

Sounds like he's angry that you're not begging him to come home.

You're supposed to realise that you simply can't function without him and promise to be a good and obedient and compliant girl in future, modifying your behaviour out of fear that he will go again.

Instead, you're fine, the kids are fine, everything's fine.

He doesn't like that.

He wants you to beg.

I hope that you continue to not.

Nothing useful to add really, you've already got some cracking advice. Just wanted to give you a {{{hug}}}

Thankyou again.

He rang and so I have spoken to him. Apparently he isn't leaving me but thinks it is best if he moves out for a while as we have been arguing. (he has a room to stay in at work) Apparently I need to change and need to stop making demands of him and he needs my support in his job, which includes him unconditionally attending all social functions, including drinks every Friday.

I told him I didn't see how him moving out temporarily would help arguements, as it would just make me angry and resentful that he had (yet again!) left me with the children while he did whatever he wanted. He then started back tracking and saying he had work stuff to do tonight and then a big night out tomorrow, so he couldn't come back until after that anyway...

No apology for all the horrible things he said to me and he even tried denying he had said some of them. I managed to hold back the tears and tell him that if he wanted to move out then he could, but he needn't think he'll be moving back. He tried to back track a few times again, but I managed to hold firm.

I feel very wobbly, but oddly empowered that I have stood my ground. I really can't imagine my future without him and I do love him. I think this behaviour comes from his own insecurities and he doesn't mean to be nasty, but of course, that doesn't mean I should put up with it. It kills me to think of having this pregnancy and baby on my own, but I'm trying not to think of that for now.

A friend has kindly offered to sit with me tonight, but the DC are now in bed and I am going to relax and watch crappy TV. The same friend has also offered to look after my DC during nxt week's hospital appointments and I am going to book an agency babysitter as I was meant to be going out for a meal with a few friends on Monday. I don't want to have to rely on him for anything.

Instead, you're fine, the kids are fine, everything's fine.

Thankyou. I will try and keep telling myself that.

Holy crap.

Basically don't question me, Woman. I will do what I want, when I want, how I want and you will shut up at all times. you will accept whatever I decide. I will not be questioned in any way and you will simply be grateful to be graced with my presence?

Sounds like he wants one of those Surrendered Wives.

Are you going to agree to that? Sounds like you're on the verge of telling him to get knotted?

Please don't let him back.

Big night out tomorrow, is it ?

Bigger than his family ?

I hope you find that evidence of another woman (women) soon. I suspect you will move on then.

At the moment you know he is a shit. But at least you think he is your shit.

That is where you are fooling yourself, and will stay hung up on him. To your detriment.

Sorry but he's an arse and I wouldn't be putting up with it.
You deserve so much better.

Ok sorry I am so cross on your behalf (no I am cross)

This is NOT a MAN, or a DAD, or a HUSBAND he is a arse!

Oh please I will happily speak to him and set him straight ARH.

Ok please let your friend help you out, I bet you have loads of friends / local people that would help you through this.

Turn your phone off, now and keep it off, or set his number to divert straight to voice mail or ring silent.

There is a thread on this board about emotional abuse please go and have a read, there are posts on there that will help you I PROMISE.

I think you need a bit of space to grieve for the man you wanted him to be, but when you feel up to it, get a pad and pen and start righting a list of things you need to sort / need help with and then start making plans

Get to the CAB and see if there is anything you are entitled to claim etc, find out what your rights are.

Book a free consultation with a solicitor so you have the power of knowing where you stand.

Do please find an emergency baby sitter and tell your friends what is going on over a meal etc (they will WANT to here and will WANT to help so let them)

You poor love, but you sound so strong and you will be 1000% better off without this prat.

Keep posting, others will be along with much advice and support than I can offer.