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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, I think my husband has left

61 replies

pregnantandalone · 14/03/2013 14:15

I have namechanged as I feel dreadful and am embarrassed tbh.

I don't even know where to start... we argued last weekend after a frankly shit mothers day, which ended with my husband shouting at me while I was sobbing that he can't stand me, I am horrible to him, he hates married life and he just wants to be single like his mates. All his mates can go out after work on a Friday night, why should he 'have' to come home.... I am in early pregnancy and feeling really ill, plus have a toddler and an older disabled child to look after.

If he does go out after work on a Friday, it is immediately after work and involves him staying at work until the next day. I have suggested he comes home first to help with the DC then go out, but he doesn't want to do that. I have no family nearby to help me because we moved due to his job.

We didn't really speak much after the row and I slept on the sofa for two nights following it. He has since been away. I text him earlier to ask if he was coming here when his flight gets in later and he said he doesn't know, he doubts it, but he is out tomorrow night. I text him back to ask when was happening and he has since ignored me.

he has three weeks off work starting Friday afternoon/Saturday and I don't know what to think tbh. Whenever we have a row he goes off in a huff and won't answer my calls or reply to my texts. He was violent on a couple of occasions a few years ago and although he got help and is embarrassed and mortified about that (I am not 'allowed' to mention it) I feel that he uses ignoring me as a type of emotional abuse as no one can 'call' him on it, if that makes sense?

I know it seems like he is awful and I am better off without him anyway and that's probably true, but I don't think I have the strength to leave yet. I almost hope he has left and then the chpoice is out of my hands, but I have no idea what I am going to do. I can't stop crying.

OP posts:
mummywithnosleep · 14/03/2013 19:18

Oh MrsTom you got there first!

forgetmenots · 14/03/2013 19:21

Oh my goodness this is one of the saddest threads I've ever seen.

Please, let him stay away, you are being slowly broken by this man :(

mummywithnosleep · 14/03/2013 19:27

Please check this thread out it will help Some of the ladies on there offered me some great support recently.

Please keep posting, There is people here 24 hours a day if nothing else we can keep you company.

NicholasTeakozy · 14/03/2013 19:30

Bloody well done. This 'man' is acting like a child. That his 'work commitments' come before his family speaks volumes. Especially as they appear to consist of getting pissed. Keep strong, you deserve better.

balia · 14/03/2013 19:30

he doesn't mean to be nasty

Oh yes he fucking does.

You have dealt with it very well - I wonder what would happen if you started taking some of the decisions out of the entitled little prick's hands? Tell him he is moving out, get some legal advice, pack up his shit and throw it on the lawn and be completely unavailable. Email him and say that as his behaviour has been so abusive you will no longer have any direct contact with him and any communication should be in writing.

If YOU feel up to giving him a second chance at some point, you decide on the conditions - that he gets some counselling for his 'issues', attends a parenting class, whatever you think would make him a better father and husband.

badguider · 14/03/2013 19:35

I would seriously be asking him what part of being a husband and a father DOES he want to experience? Because I don't know why he's staying if he wants to live the life of a single man.

potionmaker · 14/03/2013 19:41

OP I have nothing to add to the wisdom already on here, just wanted to say you sound strong, and capable, and a million times better than this man. You don't need him, and he doesn't deserve you, end of.

Please, please, give yourself a break and recognise that your life without him will be SO much happier. It's not as if he's doing much of the childcare or anything as it is so what do you have to lose? Just a total arsehole, fear and anger, that's all. Sounds like a good deal to me.

Good luck. Be strong, do the right thing. This man is abusing you, and you don't deserve it no matter what he has trained you to believe.

Your children will thank you for it.

(Great big un-Mumsnetty-hugs)

RafflesWay · 14/03/2013 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuntGirl · 14/03/2013 20:23

He's a twat. If he doesn't want to be married with children he should have thouht about that first. Tough titties for him.

Let your friend help support you and kick him out. There'a no relationship here to salvage, you deserve better than this.

Diagonally · 14/03/2013 20:39

"Why should he 'have' to come home?"

My god what an entitled, arrogant, bullying, pathetic excuse for a father and husband he is.

I also imagined him to be much younger.

Peoples' values are pretty well embedded by their 40's, he's not likely to change or have the insight to understand what is unacceptable about his behaviour.

Please take this opportunity to get him out for good.

betterthanever · 14/03/2013 20:41

OP your last post sounds great - you did the right thing standing up to him, even though it was hard for you. Please try to keep that stance and re read that post if you wobble. He feels very entitled to do as he pleases and he expects sorry, demands you have to do as he says... well I am glad you are not.
You recognised that he had no remorse. Well done for planning things for yourself too. Keep strong - you friends in RL sounds wonderful.

Bogeyface · 14/03/2013 20:51

I often think I am at least partly to blame because I do argue back

Whereas if you didnt argue back, HE would be happy and you would be......what? Blissful? Or bloody miserable that you daren't say a word incase he kicks off again?

Apparently I need to change and need to stop making demands of him and he needs my support in his job, which includes him unconditionally attending all social functions, including drinks every Friday.

In other words "let me do what I want and I will............do what I want. I dont care about what you want"

I think this behaviour comes from his own insecurities and he doesn't mean to be nasty

Yes he does. He is choosing to do this because he believes that it means he will get exactly what he wants, which is his pants washed, his dinner cooked, his home cleaned and his kids looked after with absolutely no input from him whatsoever.

Tell him that yes, you agree that he should move out for a while, 60 odd years should do it. Make it 70 incase either of you makes to the big 100.

Seriously, he needs to leave and stay gone. YOur life wont change in any practical way, you are a single parent as it is. But you will not have to deal with his tantrums and abuse.

SweetSeraphim · 14/03/2013 21:43

What the ACTUAL FUCK are you putting up with this for?

< I need to change and need to stop making demands of him and he needs my support in his job, which includes him unconditionally attending all social functions, including drinks every Friday. >

Sorry but that reads like a joke. That is something my DP would say as a joke. Who the fuck does he think he is? Don't put up with this OP.

MorphsMum · 14/03/2013 21:59

I hope you get the courage and support you need to close the door on this man. He doesn't deserve to be part of your life.

Believe me from experience, it is easier to be single. Your head will no longer be messed with and that takes up so much energy, you only realize when you leave. Go to a women's refuge with the children if you have to, for a few days, so you've got clear space to think about what to do, it's safe, and other people can help out with the children a bit.

You are pregnant, you have a disabled child, a toddler, you deserve alot of help, attention, love - the opposite of what you are getting from this man. Even if he SOMETIMES gives you all that, that's not enough because he is messing with your head the rest of the time. Walk away and take time to sort everything out FOR YOU before the baby comes along.

Diagonally · 14/03/2013 22:23

As AF suggested upthread, I do wonder if he might be letting someone else down by not attending the "big night out".

He probably feels safe in the knowledge you'll be unlikely to pay him an unannounced visit there one Friday night, because you are at home with the children.

Skyebluesapphire · 14/03/2013 22:29

what is this wonderful job, in that it demands that he has drinks every Friday? Is it compulsory, is he paid for the time that he is drinking if it is part of his job?!

You sound very strong and have done the right thing i think - move out but you neednt thinking you are coming back - very good decision.

It wont be easy, but you will get a lot of support on here. Get some legal advice asap and look into maintenance etc. Not sure if OW is involved here, but could be if he wants to be out overnight regularly - open mind on that at the moment.

tightfortime · 14/03/2013 23:12

What's with this thread? I cannot post??

tightfortime · 14/03/2013 23:14

He is trying to shift the blame back on to you...you need to support me in my work blah blah.

Where is your support?

I add my tuppence worth to the other posters who have 'another woman' theory; every Friday? Sounds like a regular date with a colleague frankly. He doesn't want you going along to support him, does he? He knows you can't and is deflecting blame back on you while he does as he pleases.

Well done for holding your ground and take that sliver of empowerment and hold on tight. You could be in for a rocky road but we are here and really, the energy wasted on this man is better spent on you and the kids.

Sorry if I and others are coming on strong about dumping this waste of space but if you read back, you will see why.

No woman, wife, mother should ever have to 'keep her man happy' and get nothing in return. Added to that his previous record of being violent and now emotionally abusive and you know what needs to happen here...

tightfortime · 14/03/2013 23:15

Seems last post was too long...

Be grateful for the wonderful kids he has given you and set him adrift on his self pity. You can do it xx

Hissy · 14/03/2013 23:18

"He rang and so I have spoken to him. Apparently he isn't leaving me but thinks it is best if he moves out for a while as we have been arguing. (he has a room to stay in at work) Apparently I need to change and need to stop making demands of him and he needs my support in his job, which includes him unconditionally attending all social functions, including drinks every Friday"

My EX used to say this shit.

2 years on, i'm happier than I have ever been. he is still a shit, but no longer under the same roof as I am.

You don't have to leave him. He can stay where he is! Tell him to move out permanently, then he CAN do what he wants when he wants without question.

AND SO (MORE IMPORTANTLY) CAN YOU

You are the victim of a common or garden domestic abuser. he hit you years ago, but not anymore, because he doesn't need to.

If he did, he would, and what is more, he'd blame YOU for driving him to it.

Honestly, you can do this. If I did, so can you.

LET

HIM

GO!

You don't have to leave him, just tell him to stay gone.

Hissy · 14/03/2013 23:20

AF, I thought an OW too.

Original poster
pregnantandalone · 15/03/2013 07:49

There's absolutely no other woman. He doesn't go out every Friday night, just to clarify, just thinks he should be able to. He does go for a drink/couple of drinks after work most Fridays.

He does actually have a lot of good points too, for example, he gets up with the kids every weekend, Saturday and Sunday, so never gets a lay in himself, he will help put laundry on or tidy the kitchen, he'll take the kids out so I can have a break etc. There are no money issues, we have a joint account and (as I would expect) I can unquestionably spend money on what I want.

Anyway he rang/we text last night. Lots of excuses as to why he hadn't intended to come back here until Saturday, until he said 'OK, you fucking win, I'll just have a couple of drinks Friday then come back. Happy?'I replied that actually no, I wasn't happy and that he shouldn't begrudge doing that after his job has required him to be away all week, he should want to come home to his family, he should appreciate the strain him being away puts the rest of us under, but he doesn't and all he thinks about is himself. He tried to say he does appreciate that etc, but he blatantly doesn't. I think a lot of the problem is, he works in a male dominated culture and most of the blokes he works with treat their wives like utter, utter crap and they do go out whenever they like leaving their wives with the DC, never help in the house etc and his parents are also very old fashioned and his Mum and Grandma are 'men pleasers' (his Gran once told me she didn't want to move abroad as she would be leaving her children and grandchildren, but that was what her husband had wanted Sad ) So that is what he has been around and grown up with and what he thinks is normal.

I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him. I'm not. His behaviour has been shocking and I don't want him back here. For now I don't know whether that is permenantly or not, but it's for the time being.

OP posts:
tightfortime · 15/03/2013 09:23

What he thinks is normal. So, has he always been like this?

scottishmerlottish · 15/03/2013 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DollyTwat · 15/03/2013 09:54

My ex used to do this
Cause a row then use it as an excuse to go on a weekend bender. Bank holidays were the worst

When I recognized it was engineered I called his bluff and didn't row back one weekend. He then just disappeared anyway

Nothing you can do or not do will change his behavior if he feels entitled to go out when he wants.

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