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Relationships

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Original poster

DP and 'little white lies'

87 replies

Delatron · 13/03/2013 18:23

Been with DP for 7 years, have 2 young children together. On the whole we are very happy. He is kind, thoughtful and a wonderful father.

However, he has always been prone to telling white lies. Nothing serious, claiming to work late when he is actually going out for a drink is the most common one. Have busted him a few times and it is clear he just says what he thinks will cause the least hassle for him.

However, I am happy for him to go out for a few drinks after work, what I am furious about is that he feels he needs to lie. Have told him this and he agreed to stop.

I think he doesn't realise his iPhone is linked to our apple computer so shows all his messages. He changed our plans at the last minute tonight saying he had an urgent project to work on. It appears from his messages (yes I checked but was suspicious) that he has arranged to meet a former work colleague (girl), this is along with other colleagues so nothing untoward. He is driving too so I don't think he will be late.

So, he's not being unfaithful, he will probably be back at 9 but he has lied yet again! What do I do?

OP posts:

Xales · 13/03/2013 18:25

Send him a text back.

Enjoy your drink with (girl) you and I will have a discussion about you again lying to me when you get home.

Purplehonesty · 13/03/2013 18:26

Call him on it. Say you don't mind him going out but you can't stand being lied to. Tell him it's as good as cheating to lie about where you are going and with whom.
Plus, If there was an emergency and you needed him you need to know where he is.

Original poster

Delatron · 13/03/2013 18:29

Ahh thanks. I needed to feel like I could go ballistic. I am glad you said it is as good as cheating Purplehonesty. He will try and play it down (again).

Xales am so tempted to do that, I may sit it out and see how many more lies he comes out with when home. Have taken screen shots of the messages.

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 13/03/2013 19:16

I wouldn't call these little white lies.

He is disrespecting you by hiding things like this from you.

I would be concerned about why he felt the need to be secretive about meeting females. Don't let him say its because you are paranoid etc. I really do hope he is not thinking of cheating but the lack of honesty does suggest this may be the case...

Cherriesarelovely · 13/03/2013 19:22

I agree with you Delatron, I would find this worrying too. As you say, it's not that you necessarily think he is doing anything terrible it is just the corrosive effect of being lied to regularly. I'm afraid if my DP did that I would think "what else is she lying about". I have a friend with a DP who does this, she has now told him that if he keeps lying (similar stuff to that which you describe but also involving drink and drugs) she will break up with him. I really don't think he can expect you to accept that behaviour.

Original poster

Delatron · 13/03/2013 19:25

Thanks Mad. It really doesn't look good and you are right they are bigger then just little lies. I guess he manages to down play it.

Have just spoken to him. I tried to call him at 6.45, he texted back saying he was on a call and we could speak in 15 mins. I called back straight away and phone rang out. He called back at 7, (clearly just left pub to call me) and I ignored. Finally called back and he was outside claiming to be just leaving work and 'popping to someone's leaving' do for 10 mins then coming home...

So don't think he is planning on cheating tonight! Just for some reason felt like lying about going for a drink at 6 instead of 7. Will have it out with him later.

OP posts:

Lucyellensmum95 · 13/03/2013 19:27

its not white lies a white lie is tellin someone their bum doesn't look big in their new dress when it does. I would be apopleptlic actually. totally disrespectful

Original poster

Delatron · 13/03/2013 19:27

Thanks Cherries. Last time I said if he did it again I would break up with him. It is so hard as he is essentially lying about going for a few drinks. He is never home late and I have no other reason to suspect but it is the LYING!

Need to get it through to him somehow that this is it, no more chances. It's hard when there is no concrete infidelity etc.

OP posts:

Lucyellensmum95 · 13/03/2013 19:28

That will be a long ten minutes - why are you letting him do this?

Original poster

Delatron · 13/03/2013 19:29

Glad of the consensus here! He downplays it and I question whether it is worth the anger over a few drinks but you are all right Lucyellensmum it is disrespectful. I told him last time that it made me wonder what else he was lying about and that it made me unable to trust him.. God knows why he won't take it seriously.
Time for a big rethink....

OP posts:

SheepNoisesOff · 13/03/2013 19:35

Yes I hate to pile on but I am getting angry on your behalf just reading this!

I assume you're at home with the kids in the meantime?

My DP occasionally wants to do things after work - go to parties or whatever - and he just tell me what he wants to do and I say yep, ok! And I do the same to him. It would never occur to either of us to lie about what we were doing. That would be completely unfair - essentially expecting the other person to sit at home and provide free childcare for you while you're doing your own thing, but pretending that you're working for the family's benefit! If you want your partner to do a favour for you, that's absolutely fine, but then you ask nicely and acknowledge it as such.

He is really taking the piss.

And Lucyellensmum is right, those are not white lies. They are black lies - saying something that is not true, for your own benefit. Low, very low.

targaryen24 · 13/03/2013 19:36

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him if he lied to me about things, repeatedly.

If he can lie to you that easily/often then surely it plays on your mind?

Sorry you're being put through this btw! Not a nice feeling & VERY disrespectful

Cherriesarelovely · 13/03/2013 19:40

I really feel for you. That is how my friend feels. Of course in her case there IS a more worrying aspect to her DPs behaviour (drinking and drugs) but sometimes her DP just lies about generally going out. It is really upsetting but I think she is getting through to him. He is a very nice guy, extremely loving and caring but there is always the slight element of doubt. It is a strange habit isn't it?

Twogoodreasons · 13/03/2013 19:41

I agree with what has been said. White lies are where you withold the full truth to spare the feelings of the recipient. These are full-blown whoppers designed to allow him to get his own way. Totally different.

What line of work is he in, out of interest?

scaevola · 13/03/2013 19:43

These aren't little white lies: it is repeated lying and on this occasion in order to meet a woman.

You have said you'll end the relationship if he did it again. He has. Will you? For if you don't you are telling him by your actions that you'll settle for a relationship in which he does this.

You might want to get him to read both Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends (and explain that every lie is building a barrier between you where there should be openness) and also Linda MacDonald's Who Will You Become?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 13/03/2013 19:43

" Last time I said if he did it again I would break up with him."

And he has.

Are you going to break up with him?

If not, then avoid repeating that threat because he will know it is an empty one. He'll just go yeah yeah yeah and carry on as before.

I hate being lied to, so I know just how you feel. It feels like they think you are a fool.

Original poster

Delatron · 13/03/2013 19:43

Yes sheep am at home with the kids..getting increasingly irate. Obviously those 10 mins have now been half an hour. It's so annoying, if he had just said that he was meeting colleagues after work for a few drinks then I would have been fine. Have said this to him so many times.

Thanks Targaryen it does play on my mind. What do I do though? Leave the bastard?! He has had quite a few chances..

OP posts:

redwellybluewelly · 13/03/2013 19:49

Have a bag packed for when he gets home.

Tell him you meant it about the lying.

My DH is lazy. Very very lazy. Any sometimes he gets arsey and self righteous with it. Last time he was a tosser and made me cry I packed a bag for dd and I and went away for the day leaving a polite but firm letter saying I would not stay with him if he was an arse.

He hasn't done it since.

skaboy · 13/03/2013 19:54

The little lies always lead to bigger and bigger lies if not checked-well that's my experience. You have to demand honesty and if you don't get it, consider your position with your OH

Original poster

Delatron · 13/03/2013 20:00

He is kind of on his final chance though. He could go stay with his parents for a few days. I am just sick of giving him more chances. I only find out about the lying if I have a little snoop! Who wants to spend their whole life snooping.

OP posts:

cronullansw · 13/03/2013 20:05

This is what really happened;

(inside the man-mind....) ''Hmm, I want to go for a drink with the guys after work, but I know that I really should be back at home doing the wife/kid thing, and she won't like it if I ring her up and say, 'hi Darling, popping to the boozer for a quick gargle, won't be late...' I know she SAYS, 'oh thats fine, no problem', but I can always hear that little undertone, that little bit of tension in her voice, and I hate upsetting her like that, knowing that she's not fine and not pleased, and feeling like I've been naughty and having to tip toe around for the next couple of days, and I'll have to take the kids to the movies on Saturday when I really want to be playing golf..... Ok chap, let's go to Plan B, I know it's not 100% morally correct, but it's the least worst option...

''Fuck, it, here goes, ''oh Hi darling, ever so sorry, got something on here in the office I need to finish, might be a little late home'' Right, off to the pub, couple of pints, home in time for the footy, jobs a good un.''

That is it. End of story.

He was, clumsily, trying to do the best thing.

Twogoodreasons · 13/03/2013 20:07

If you tell him to go to his parents' "for a few days" he will see it as a minor punishment. Tell him to move out- where he goes is his problem and if you choose to have him back after a few days, that is your prerogative.

Original poster

Delatron · 13/03/2013 20:09

Cronullansw. That is how his mind would have worked. That is what he will claim when I have it out with him. How can I get him to stop the lying though?

OP posts:

BelaLugosisShed · 13/03/2013 20:12

Nah Cronulla, only immature arseholes with no respect for their partners behave like that, grown up men who do respect their partners really don't.

Only liars lie.

Twogoodreasons · 13/03/2013 20:14

If this was a one off, I would allow the approach of excusing the poor little down-trodden mens. But, you have spelled it out to him - he is not forbidden from going out for a drink - you just expect honesty and openness - not too much to expect.

What does he do for a job?

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