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Original poster

DP and 'little white lies'

87 replies

Delatron · 13/03/2013 18:23

Been with DP for 7 years, have 2 young children together. On the whole we are very happy. He is kind, thoughtful and a wonderful father.

However, he has always been prone to telling white lies. Nothing serious, claiming to work late when he is actually going out for a drink is the most common one. Have busted him a few times and it is clear he just says what he thinks will cause the least hassle for him.

However, I am happy for him to go out for a few drinks after work, what I am furious about is that he feels he needs to lie. Have told him this and he agreed to stop.

I think he doesn't realise his iPhone is linked to our apple computer so shows all his messages. He changed our plans at the last minute tonight saying he had an urgent project to work on. It appears from his messages (yes I checked but was suspicious) that he has arranged to meet a former work colleague (girl), this is along with other colleagues so nothing untoward. He is driving too so I don't think he will be late.

So, he's not being unfaithful, he will probably be back at 9 but he has lied yet again! What do I do?

OP posts:
Xales · 13/03/2013 20:14

Some of us are actually really fine with our OH going out and having fun when they talk to us. Every night leaving us at home doing all the family stuff no. The odd occasion? No problem. We don't have a tone, tension or anything. We are adults. We don't make our OHs feel like they have to tiptoe around because they have been naughty Hmm

He was trying to do the best thing for him. Having fun while getting respect/sympathy from the wife who thought he was stuck working which he does for the family.

Lying is trying to do the best thing? Seriously?

Original poster
Delatron · 13/03/2013 20:16

Just spoken to him, he claims he was working till 7, he sent his colleagues to meet her at 6 at the train station and met up with them all at 7 and he is on his way home now. Still don't know if he is lying! The text says ' we are on our way' at 6.15 but he claims that he sent colleagues as he had to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 13/03/2013 20:17

He is a management consultant. Long hours, works away a lot... Trust important!

OP posts:
Xales · 13/03/2013 20:18

You can't trust a liar Sad

Sorry

Twogoodreasons · 13/03/2013 20:19

He is a liar. Deal With that reality as you see fit.

BelaLugosisShed · 13/03/2013 20:30

He's very immature with a deeply ingrained pattern of child-like lying as his default setting, most people grow out of it by teenage years, unfortunately for you, he hasn't.

Original poster
Delatron · 13/03/2013 20:41

Bela you are right. He doesn't seem to see anything wrong with it. I have seen him lie to other people too, his parents, friends. Nothing serious but just him trying to have an easy life.
I just don't know why he does it. I don't mind if he goes out for a bloody drink at 6 instead of 7!!

OP posts:
SugarPasteGreyhound · 13/03/2013 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redwellybluewelly · 13/03/2013 21:11

Thing is if DH was that way then I'd think he was treating me as if I was stupid.

And I'm not. And neither are you.

Twogoodreasons · 13/03/2013 21:45

What redwelly said.

NishiNoUsagi · 13/03/2013 21:53

OP, I think you may be married to my husband.. Grin

He was exactly the same at the start of our relationship - said he was working when he was actually out drinking, cancelling dates as he was working late when he was actually drinking with his friends (he says, "but I couldn't let them down!" Ok to let me down then!) saying he was off for a drink with a male friend when he was actually with a female (mutual) friend Hmm

And his excuses were exactly as cronullansw says - "didn't want to upset you/make you worry/make you think I wasn't working hard.." Unfortunately for him my reaction was as Bela's Smile It's immature and childish and hurtful to lie for an easy life, especially as I wouldn't even have been angry if he'd told the truth! I told him that his lying hurt me so much more than hearing the truth would have.

The last time was when I was overseas with our DC, texting DP and he epically dropped himself in it (not clever enough to keep up with his own lies). I calmly texted back if he realised he'd lied again. I got a flurry of texts apologising/excusing. I very calmly replied that he either loved me but was incapable of telling the truth, or he was a heartless bastard who didn't care about hurting me, and either way I thought it was time to look into divorce. Then turned my phone off and enjoyed the rest of my holiday! Having the space (and distance!) really did help me not crumble, and although I did go back home I texted him to ask him not to meet me at the airport, I'd find my own way home

Arrived at the airport to a very tearful and apologetic DH, it took me a long looong time to trust him again (he offered to show me his fb/phone/email anytime, tell me the truth about what he wanted to do etc). Very hard work but we did get there. He hasn't lied since..

.. that I know of Hmm

Sorry for the essay, hope it helps to hear from someone who's been in the same position.. Good luck OP.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 13/03/2013 21:55

You know he's a liar. You've caught him out again. He's not going to change. He won't stop lying. So you have 2 choices.

Either STFU and put up with it.

Or follow through with your threat that you would break up with him if you caught him lying again.

UniqueAndAmazing · 13/03/2013 22:03

you know he's lied.
you told him if he did it again you would leave him.
you know the answer.
leave him.
then you can talk again in a few days when he realizes you're not that much of a fool.

Original poster
Delatron · 13/03/2013 22:05

Thanks for the essay Nishi! Good to hear how you worked it out. I do think the final ultimatum is what works best. The very serious threat of leaving is what it takes. Glad he saw sense in the end and changed his ways.

Am seriously rethinking our relationship. We are not married. I guess I need some distance to think now. I don't know if he can change. Lots to think about/ take in.

OP posts:
LittleEdie · 13/03/2013 22:13

It's like he fears you'll get angry, so he lies. Which makes you angry. So it's all some kind of self fulfilling prophesy that he's creating.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 13/03/2013 23:48

I also find that when my dh did this in the past the best thing was to "out" him infront of other people.

You tend to take on a bit of shame about his behavior as it reflects on the health of your relationship.

Don't. Call him out infront of friends and family members.

Incidentally my dh had a very overbearing first wife who didn't let him do anything. So he used to think he had to lie as he would presume I'd go mad about things without ever even having that prior experience!

He came home on the final night of it to find everything locked up and the doorbell disconnected. The house remained that way for 72 hours. Then he was offered a warm bed on the basement sofa.

I insisted on counselling and he felt such a giant cock listing all these schoolboy fibs infront of her. Firm actions are the only way to nip this in the bud.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2013 00:01

Don't let responses that buy into his lies sway you

He is a liar, and you are naive to dismiss the fact he could be cheating in the early evening (and in his lunch hours, and those half day holidays he lies to you about.....)

He's on his last chance already?

What are you waiting for?

Some more Piss to be taken out of you, by him?

StuntGirl · 14/03/2013 00:04

Cron darling, don't you think it would just be easier though if you told the truth?

Here's what happens in our house:

Partner: I'm going to the pub with Tim tomorrow.
Me: Ok.

Or:

Partner: Shall we watch that new dvd together on Saturday?
Me: Oh I can't, I'm going to a gig with Danny.

It's really such a non-issue. Lying however...that's a deal breaker.

cronullansw · 14/03/2013 00:41

StuntGirl,

Yes, it WOULD be easier to tell the truth, I completely agree. But I don't think op's dp sees it as simply as that, either he is a compulsive liar who thinks nothing of it or he is aware of lying to his dp, but sees it as a lesser evil than getting grief, or even thinking he will get grief, if he goes for a beer with his team. I see it as the latter and not a big deal.

Q; did his Mum / former partner / current partner nag / control him a lot? He just could be used to fibbing like this to try to avert a potential row.

As for Wally's controlling stance..... calling him out in front of his friends, Insisting upon counselling, Locking him out for 72 hours... firm actions. Wow.
That puppy won't dare widdle on the carpet again will he? He sure got a good lesson beat into him. A case of my way or the highway, lot's of middle ground compromise there!

AThingInYourLife · 14/03/2013 01:18

It's way more controlling to constantly lie to someone so you can get your own way by tricking them than it is to refuse to live with a liar.

StuntGirl · 14/03/2013 02:08

Lying, whatever your justification, is always a big deal.

We're not talking about puppies, we're talking about grown adults who habitually lie to avoid their share of responsibility. It's a twatty thing to do, and it's a twatty thing to try and justify.

NoTimeForS · 14/03/2013 03:13

If you told him he was on his last chance last time, and now you are trying to think of a way to make home see that this time is his last chance, again, why does he have any reason to listen to you? I would ask him to leave for a few days while you think about things.

ChasedByBees · 14/03/2013 03:43

I think you're right to be reconsidering the relationship. If lying is his default position when things aren't tricky, how will he react when there's an actual issue? You'll never be able to truly trust him.

Original poster
Delatron · 14/03/2013 08:48

I think he fibs through guilt/trying to please everyone. He doesn't see it as the big deal it really is. So last night he says he felt bad as he hadn't seen the boys all week. So basically if he had left at 6 he would get to see the boys, if he chooses to please work colleagues and go for a drink he doesn't, he then lies to me to appease guilt???

It's tricky now as I can't prove he was actually lying last night. He says he sent colleagues to meet this other former female colleague. All texts between them looked innocent and non affectionate. He says he left the office at 7 which is when he called me. He then went to the leaving do for 45 mins and was home by 8.50. I don't feel I have enough evidence of him lying to chuck him out over this.

What you have all made me see though, (thank you!) is that this is a huge issue that needs to be dealt with. It is changing my feelings towards him and making me not trust him. I think counselling may be the way forward. He needs to see that constant lying will erode the relationship and it is not the minor deal he thinksit is.

As someone said this is his default setting, he doesn't want the guilt/hassle. I may be stupid but I really don't think he is being unfaithful, he is very open with his phone/email. He is never out late and doesn't go out that often.

I am not sure he realises the damage he is doing though, I am thinking about whether we can have a future if he can't change this aspect of his personality.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 14/03/2013 08:56

He's not trying to please everyone, he's trying to please himself.

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