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Relationships

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Original poster

What % of people do you think cheat?

120 replies

Hopingtobehappy · 12/03/2013 16:04

Obviously this is just a discussion and nobody will ever know the answer, but what % of people do you think cheat on their partners?

Before my ex cheated, I would have bet my life on him not 'being the type' I would have sworn that he would never do that to me etc. etc. over the years nothing fails to surprise me any more and I am much more open minded that it happens A LOT.

I would guess at 90% of men and probably about 70% of women. I am basing this on knowledge of people that I know.

This is one of the reasons that I probably wouldnt enter into a serious relationship again, unless I wasnt expecting it to be exclusive...

OP posts:

MechanicalTheatre · 14/03/2013 17:49

I have cheated (fully fledged affair) but I wouldn't now. Ever. I was young and dim and thought that it was exciting and sexy and tragic. But now I can see that I was just a selfish, immature little girl.

ChestyLeRoux · 14/03/2013 18:00

I think a lot on this thread of said it was because they werent happy. I think a lot of it maybe communication problems if its got to that stage tbh. As lucylloyd points out probably better for the risk to be reduced by not allowing yourselves to drift apart.

MechanicalTheatre · 14/03/2013 18:07

Wally, that's what I don't get. How can you go home to your partner night after night and lie to their face? How can you do it and not hate yourself?

I look back on my affair and I can see that I had no respect for my boyfriend at the time. I met him very young (16) and was convinced we would marry. I had mental health problems and just didn't have the emotional intelligence to be in that kind of relationship.

I just wouldn't be with someone I didn't respect now.

Bogeyface · 14/03/2013 18:14

As lucylloyd points out probably better for the risk to be reduced by not allowing yourselves to drift apart.

If you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and many other books on the subject, you will see that there is no "reduce the risk". People dont cheat because there is something lacking in their marriage, because they are drifting apart or because there is no sex. In most cases the marriage is fine and they have a healthy sex life. They do it because they can, because they are selfish and just for the sheer hell of it.

The number of marriages that end due to an affair are quite small, many will continue after the affair, indicating that actually they had not drifted apart at all.

Bogeyface · 14/03/2013 18:15

The theory that only unhappy people cheat was debunked some years ago.

ChestyLeRoux · 14/03/2013 18:20

I just think in a close marriage you dont want to spend hours apart. Its the closeness that keeps the bond ime. Others may disagree, and not so much in marriages but in ltrs when I was younger thats where I saw cheating. However they werent with the person they really wanted to be with.

Bogeyface · 14/03/2013 18:42

So you follow the theory of "love the one your with"? I dont buy it. If every affair happened because the people involved were unhappy, drifted apart, no sex etc then the marriage would end on discovery of the affair 99 times out of 100. The fact that most marriages continue on the discovery would say to me that the idea of spending time apart being a factor in affairs is inaccurate.

TomDudgeon · 14/03/2013 18:54

So all you who think the figures are high I assume have cheated to allow for people like me who hasn't.

ChestyLeRoux · 14/03/2013 18:58

I just think from going off mn that all situations that involved cheating I have never seen one thay said we are very affectionate together, brilliant sex, do everything as a family, loads of shared interests and lots of fun together and someone cheated.

Also if you read those things they say they changed lots to make it work and continue. They dont just carry on as before, its usually because some couples lose the loved up spark they had at the start. You dont ever have to lose the spark though imo, and if you do then the couple have either drifted for some reason or are not right for each other.

InNeedOfBrandy · 14/03/2013 19:26

As much as I don't agree with a lot of what chesty has said so far I very strongly agree that especially on MN it's a bad relationship plus cheating and cheating is just another symptom of their already fucked up relationship. Most of the time on the my DH is aving an affair type of threads he man is already a dick, does fuck all for the dc, is very very breathtakingly selfish and entitled and doesn't give two hoots for his wife and family.

IMO people cheat for lots of reasons,

Men because they want to, is accepted, their friends do and so it becomes the norm, their fathers might of been the same and even had them around different women's houses whi;le growing up, they're a man and can do what they want.

Women might cheat because they're unhappy, insecure, want validating all the time, love the attention/power, or because they want to and think they won't get caught.

If you have a really strong relationship you know it, that bond you have when your onto something good cannot be faked.

BoyMeetsWorld · 14/03/2013 19:43

Also there is the question of are we measuring how many people have cheated in a lifetime, or on their particular partner. & then I think it makes the difference if said partner is long term / married etc or if it's a relatively short or new relationship. I for example cheated horribly when I was younger & in a 3 year relationship broke a lot of hearts....including my own and DEFINITELY know I would never do it again, least of all to my DH. So I'd be one of the 'statistic' when in fact my chance of doing it again in the future is much slimmer as a result

tumbletumble · 14/03/2013 19:43

I agree. Look at all the people on this thread who have said they've had the chance to cheat and made the decision not to. I guess a person in a very happy relationship might still cheat, if they are the type who can't resist temptation, but surely it must be far less likely?

Bogeyface · 14/03/2013 19:53

We did, we really did. That only changed after the affair started and he detached.

Sometimes someone being a bit of a selfish arse occasionally, or forgetting birthdays or not being keen the others friends/family are, on their own, issues that you can work around in a basically good marriage. However, an affair puts these things into a different light, so that in conjunction with the cheating makes it a deal breaker.

Its the old thing of "happy people dont cheat". Well they do, they just dont expect to get caught.

ChestyLeRoux · 14/03/2013 19:56

Where you together a long time bogeyface?

Bogeyface · 14/03/2013 20:19

Married 3 months! Together 5 years at that point.

ChestyLeRoux · 15/03/2013 07:05

What on earth were his reasons? Sounds like a very strange situation for him to do it at 3 months married, so definitely must have been a shock and can see why you feel like you do. Most men wouldnt treat you like that though, and hope you have another chance at happiness.

badinage · 15/03/2013 09:51

I've got quite a few friends (women and men) who've spoken to me about their cheating and all bar one freely admits it was just opportunity, not relationship problems, that led to it happening. Even the one who was in an unhappy relationship admits that it was more a mid-life thing, when other things were suddenly going wrong as well.

There must be a degree of control freakery from those who think affairs only happen in bad relationships. If you think a good relationship will somehow stop a partner from going over the side, it must be scary to realise that what someone else does is completely out of your control. I also think there's an obvious pay-off for OW/OM to think that their involvement is incidental, because it must ward off any guilt about playing a part in messing up a good relationship and a happy family life.

People who have affairs are often just ordinary nice people in good relationships, but the characteristic I'd say all the people I've known in this situation have shared - is selfishness in smaller or greater degrees. But the truth is that everyone can be selfish from time to time and I can understand why a partner wouldn't think this was a risk factor towards cheating. But it definitely is, far more IMO than a bad relationship.

tadpoles · 15/03/2013 12:17

I went on a ski trip with my partner that was comprised of a group of predominantly married men whose wives stayed at home with the children, for whatever reason.

It was quite an eye-opener, to say the least. I would say that nearly all of the men (with a few exceptions) were definitely looking to enjoy other women's company - at the very least flirting heavily. Most of them I am sure would not have turned down an opportunity for some physical action with another woman they found attractive.

Admittedly, they were mostly very much alpha male types and several were very wealthy which I think often gives men a sense of entitlement.

It was also interesting to hear them talk about marriage - not that they said anything particularly compromising in terms of their own marriages. But I got an insight into a male psyche with regards to the reality of marriage. I very much got the impression that, as far as they were concerned, they did everything that was expected of them as husbands with regard to providing for their families, being good fathers, making sure their wives had what they wanted.

And - that meant that they were also going to do what they wanted to do when they got the opportunity and they weren't going to let a wedding ring get in the way.

I also got the impression that they felt financially quite clobbered by marriage, or at least the financial implications of divorce.

Original poster

Hopingtobehappy · 15/03/2013 14:12

'Also, to look your partner in the eye is one thing, but how do cheaters carry on with their kids, kissing their children with the mouths that kissed other men and women'

Because they arent cheating on their children?

OP posts:

InNeedOfBrandy · 15/03/2013 14:14

Bogey (not stalking you but think you said DH was Jamaican on other threads?) thats the culture reason he comes under. They are brought up like thats normal and they should have a wife, baby mother or two and road girls and one night stands. That kind of culture really.

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