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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How the hell do I react to this!?

64 replies

NotThatStupid · 12/03/2013 15:41

Namechanged because I'm embarrassed to be married to such an idiot....

We've been together seven years, married for nearly three of those, have a beautiful DD (toddler), are discussing when to have another baby and are very happy, never argue etc. I love him deeply.

Roll on last night, and now I don't know what to do or how to react. As I see it me options are:

1/ Wait until he gets home and then tell him straight up that I snooped on his emails via his phone, found that he had registered with a nasty dating/casual sex/chat site (this weekend, on a day we spent together as a family), quickly noted the password and have been looking at his account today. He had ticked every box stating what he was looking for, had browsed a couple of profiles but not sent any messages (but had recieved a couple). I'll also tell him that after the very basically googling his username, I found another profile which I'm 99.9% sure is him on another site, stating that he was married but looking for 'no strings fun', but quoting another city. He occasionally works away. Tell him I know and see what he says?

2/ Wait until he gets home, get hold of his phone and our shared laptop, tell him what I found and demand he gives me his email password, and the password for the second site I found while googling, have a look and take it from there.

I'll let on at this point that although I don't habitually snoop, but do very occasionally when the mood strikes. This is down to nosyness, but also the fact that I caught him signing up to a similar site about four years ago and googling local hookers... I snooped enough at the time to realise that nothing came of it, and after I confronted him he was remorseful enough and I believed his story, and kind of still do, about a high stress/drunken few days and we've not mentioned it since.

3/ Bide my time and keep a track on things, see if he actually does anything

4/ The temptation to be a bit proactive and set up a profile myself to 'catch him out' is rather, well, tempting. But I don't think I'm brave enough.

5/ Something else?

Anyway, I know I'm writing this out rather coldly. The truth is, I really don't want to catch him doing anything wrong, even if it is just inappropriate chat. I keep going back and looking at these pages but I still don't really believe what I'm seeing. It doesn't make sense, this is my gentle loving DH.

After knowing how hurt I was before, how could he have such a disregard for my feelings? I've got the most pounding headache and I can't stop trembling -I can't think about this logically - Please, tell me, how mad should I be and what should I do?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2013 15:46

Definitely 1. Any time-biding is not good for your mental health and getting hold of more passwords ditto. Have the holdall packed with his stuff before you start talking. If he's done it before this is just taking the piss and he needs to cool his heels while you think about what happens next. Gentle and loving he may be but he's also a filthy skank....

LaurieFairyCake · 12/03/2013 15:49

How do you feel about the lying?

That's what really shines out from your post to me. That he is consistently lying about who he is and what he wants.

If you knew from him upfront that he was a bit seedy and wanted to wank over inappropriate messages and flirtatious chat you might well choose to live with it providing you had full access to knowing what he was doing.

The fact is that he is hiding who he is from you and whether he's doing the above, cheating or just fantasising about it you really don't know that side of him well.

I'm telling you right now that side exists, it existed back then and it exists now - only by having a frank conversation about what it entails can you decide whether you want to be in a relationship like that.

Wewereherefirst · 12/03/2013 15:49

Number 1. I reacted the same way as you, but now, I would be calm and livid in equal measure.

Tell him to leave.

JammySplodger · 12/03/2013 15:53

1 also.

TBH it sounds like trust within your marraige was a bit shaky for you to be deliberately snooping (understandable if he's done this before). I should imagine there's not much left now at all.

Original poster
NotThatStupid · 12/03/2013 15:56

I've wanted to shout at this screen many a time before now at some stupid woman on here being taken for a mug but refusing to ltb...

But now it's me... And I'm just far too terrified to have the kind of conversation which would involve chucking him out. Because I don't want to separate. I'm numb to what he's done, and I'm doubting what I know. Don't get me wrong, I'm fucking livid, but this is my life and my family and I don't want to overreact. I know how stupid this will sound, but I don't even know how to have a blazing row with him, we never have....

OP posts:
Original poster
NotThatStupid · 12/03/2013 15:58

Laurie, that's it. That's exactly it, it's the lying and taking me for an idiot. Despite last time, I did trust him. I want to trust him now. But how the hell can I!?

OP posts:
Wewereherefirst · 12/03/2013 16:00

He needs to be open, honest and willing to actually talk and change his actions. Words are not to be trusted as he's shown to be a liar

BadgersRetreat · 12/03/2013 16:05

yes i say 1 too - get it all out in the open and make him deal with it. You lying and him lying won't help an already horrible situation

he's got form, so he shouldn't be that surprised you don't trust him...he doesn't have much of a right to be angry that you snooped - considering what you found Sad

Original poster
NotThatStupid · 12/03/2013 16:12

Ok, I definately will confront him with it tonight. I'm still not sure whether to demand to see everything though. If I don't at the time, surely I can never be 100% certain that I'm getting the full story? Maybe this all serves me right for snooping. I wasn't actually looking for this kind of stuff, just nosy about this second rarely used email address.

OP posts:
Xales · 12/03/2013 16:24

Well its the second time he has done this. If you are unwilling to separate then I think 5/

Get an STI test and insist on condoms and regular STI checks from now on. As second time caught. He isn't going to change.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2013 16:26

What more of a story do you need to see? He's a liar... that's the 'full story'. The whys and wherefores of what websites he's been visiting or what hookers he's been paying is kind of incidental. Also, it's not 'overreacting' to ask him to bow out for a short time. The alternative is to underreact e.g. have a big row about it, he apologises, promises never to do it again (again) and plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose... nothing effectively changes, he waits for the dust to settle and then carries on as normal. That's the real danger.

Original poster
NotThatStupid · 12/03/2013 16:35

I do understand. I'm not unwilling to separate under any circumstances and I won't be taken for a fool... I'm just trying to get my head around the possibility that he has cheated and the certainty that he has abused my trust and is being a dirty perv. I can't switch my feelings that quickly, and because this is my husband and the father of my child and not some dramatic teenage afffair I would like to get the actual full truth before making any decisions. I don't think that he has been paying hookers, but as I've just discovered, I am a mug so who knows.

Oh god, what a mess, I'm so stupid. Sad

OP posts:
JammySplodger · 12/03/2013 16:54

You need to change that last bit - yes it's a mess but no, you're not stupid! He's the one that's earned that title here.

Xales · 12/03/2013 16:57

You are not stupid. You gave someone a second chance. He has messed that up all by himself. You didn't force him to sign up for dating/no strings sex sites at gun point.

Ponyinthepool · 12/03/2013 16:59

Don't confront him yet, give it a couple more days and keep an eye on things. He absolutely won't give you any passwords, he'll talk his way out of it/deny the other profile belongs to him. All that will happen is he'll start hiding his tracks better in future. You are in a position of strength. The only way you're going to get any proof of what he's really doing is not to let on you have access and watch what happens.

I realise you don't actually want that proof, but whether you see it for yourself or not, it won't change how he's prepared to behave, and if you don't have conclusive proof, you will always be wondering. He may only be boosting his ego and not physically following through with anything, and if you don't watch and wait you'll never know whether that was all it was.

Jux · 12/03/2013 17:06

You're not stupid. There's nothing wrong in believing in someone enoughh to give them a second chance. There's a lot wrong with allowing someone to believe they are worth being given a second chance and then taking advantage of it.

It's definitely not you.

Original poster
NotThatStupid · 12/03/2013 17:12

What you say makes sense Pony... I think I need to deal with it fairly quickly though. I can't take this sick panic feeling, and how am I supposed to cook his dinner then sleep next to him pretending nothing's happened. Maybe I should put it off just until tomorrow when I've had longer to think it through. I'm worried if I confront him tonight I'll cry, or laugh, or believe every word without question, or something else equally stupid.

I know how vulnerable I am to this kind of bullshit, I'm a (generally) trusting SAHM and he is out at work 7-7pm. So fucking typical.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2013 18:07

I think if you put it off until tomorrow you'll have rationalised it down to the point that, when he gives you his explanation, you're already 50% on the way to believing. Why suffer? You need to locate your anger he needs to see it.

delilahlilah · 12/03/2013 18:15

If you want proof, set up a profile and message him. See what you get back. don't be too leading, just see if he starts to talk?

ThingummyBob · 12/03/2013 18:24

I wouldn't even demean myself with having a converstaion about it tbh OP Sad I'd pack his bags and ask him to leave telling him only that I know what he's been doing.

He's lied and potentially cheated before. You forgave him. Now he's doing it again.

As a wise Mner once said, when someone tells you who they are, you should listen.

He's a liar and a cheat and imo those people don't change.

Ponyinthepool · 12/03/2013 18:39

It will be lousy to feel like this while you wait it out, but consider how crap it will feel to show all your cards, be fed a story you can't refute, and then have no way of ever getting to the bottom of it because he'll redouble his efforts to conceal any secrets. You clearly don't feel you have enough evidence to drive you to LTB. But you also don't know whether you'd be made to regret staying. Which is why it's a good idea to sit tight and get first hand proof of what's going on. It will be hard but never really knowing will be infinitely harder.

Original poster
NotThatStupid · 12/03/2013 18:39

Thanks all for your replies, I keep checking back here and it's helped me to get my head round it all and to start getting fucking angry at him.

I think I'm going to have to talk about it tonight, I'll wait until DD is in bed and then tell him I know. The minimum that will happen is he gets a bollocking and sleeps on the sofa and that will be good going for him.

The temptation to somehow 'trap' him with fake profiles etc is tempting in theory, but would just mean causing myself more pain and I'm not that devious.

I need to sort DD out now, but thank you all for your kind words. I'm glad I namechanged, I realise how passive and naive I sound. I'll update tomorrow and take further advantage of mn kindness if that's ok?

OP posts:
BettySuarez · 12/03/2013 18:51

Good luck OP Sad

PipsWife · 12/03/2013 19:03

Good luck.

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 12/03/2013 19:03

God what a horrible shock, op. :( it's always easy to say ltb but when you're in that position, it's not as clear cut.