How the hell do I react to this!?

[NotThatStupid]

Namechanged because I'm embarrassed to be married to such an idiot....

We've been together seven years, married for nearly three of those, have a beautiful DD (toddler), are discussing when to have another baby and are very happy, never argue etc. I love him deeply.

Roll on last night, and now I don't know what to do or how to react. As I see it me options are:

1/ Wait until he gets home and then tell him straight up that I snooped on his emails via his phone, found that he had registered with a nasty dating/casual sex/chat site (this weekend, on a day we spent together as a family), quickly noted the password and have been looking at his account today. He had ticked every box stating what he was looking for, had browsed a couple of profiles but not sent any messages (but had recieved a couple). I'll also tell him that after the very basically googling his username, I found another profile which I'm 99.9% sure is him on another site, stating that he was married but looking for 'no strings fun', but quoting another city. He occasionally works away. Tell him I know and see what he says?

2/ Wait until he gets home, get hold of his phone and our shared laptop, tell him what I found and demand he gives me his email password, and the password for the second site I found while googling, have a look and take it from there.

I'll let on at this point that although I don't habitually snoop, but do very occasionally when the mood strikes. This is down to nosyness, but also the fact that I caught him signing up to a similar site about four years ago and googling local hookers... I snooped enough at the time to realise that nothing came of it, and after I confronted him he was remorseful enough and I believed his story, and kind of still do, about a high stress/drunken few days and we've not mentioned it since.

3/ Bide my time and keep a track on things, see if he actually does anything

4/ The temptation to be a bit proactive and set up a profile myself to 'catch him out' is rather, well, tempting. But I don't think I'm brave enough.

5/ Something else?

Anyway, I know I'm writing this out rather coldly. The truth is, I really don't want to catch him doing anything wrong, even if it is just inappropriate chat. I keep going back and looking at these pages but I still don't really believe what I'm seeing. It doesn't make sense, this is my gentle loving DH.

After knowing how hurt I was before, how could he have such a disregard for my feelings? I've got the most pounding headache and I can't stop trembling -I can't think about this logically - Please, tell me, how mad should I be and what should I do?

Just to say, my own experience comes from a relationship with a compulsive liar who would argue that black was white until he'd worn me down into thinking it must be true. The only way I could make any sense of anything was to get concrete proof. Expect to be told that he was just looking, or that he did it for a friend, there is no incentive to tell you anything more. If he has been lying all along, he's not going to roll over and tell you the truth because you asked nicely, not in a million years.

I married a prolific liar. I thought I needed proof but I realised that no I actually don't. I knew he was having an affair. I knew he was running up a massive debt on the credit card. I knew he was with his hoor when he said he wasn't.
I remember laughing at him when he became upset that I refused to believe his pathetic lies and denials. Of course it took me a year of counselling and medication to realise hey he's a liar and a shit and proof does not weigh heavier than my integrity.
Good luck OP.

Good luck OP

NotThatStupid, how are you today? Have you spoken to him yet?
No advice other than be kind to yourself, and take your time to decide what is best for you and your DD.

How are things Not that?

Thinking of you,x

Hope you're OK NotThat.

Hi, sorry I didn't update yesterday, thanks for thinking of me

Well, I spoke to him that night. After DD was in bed, I asked to look at his phone and he handed it over (I sometimes do use it to play daft games ). I opened his emails, intending to chuck the phone back at him with the screen open, but the git had deleted his email- the whole damn inbox.

I was a bit thrown and just silently went up to bed. When he followed, I asked why he had deleted his emails. He spouted some bullshit about clearing out old messages/spam etc. I asked what was in there. He did a pretty good act of being confused as to what I was talking about. I told him I knew what he had been up to, and do you think I'm stupid? Still the confused act, and more about how he gets all kinds of spam etc and clearly I had seen something I didn't like but he didn't know what I asked if we're really going to do this, to just bloody tell me what else was in that inbox. Blank expression from him. So I told him to consider the possibility that I already knew what he was hiding and not to talk to me until he stopped treating me like an idiot, turned my back, pulled the duvet up and told him there was a sofa downstairs and a blanket in the airing cupboard. He stood there for a full five minutes before admitting that he had signed up after getting a spam link because he wanted to look at pictures of pretty girls (his words). But there weren't any unless he was willing to pay, which he wasn't, so he logged off. He said he couldn't sleep so was playing with his phone and it went from there. I didn't let on how much I actually knew, but pressed him on what else was in that inbox he was trying to hide. He repeatedly denied there was anything else or ever had been. He repeatedly denied the other profile was him (of course) even though I told him I knew he was lying and threatened to call his bluff.

Anyway, I won't carry on on a word for word account. Only that he was very sorry that he got caught. There was no shouting (sleeping baby for one) but I laid out for him how hurt I was. He insisted that there had been no other occasions, and I insisted that I didn't believe him. I admit, I was as hurtful to him about it as I could be and he was upset, but I give not a shit if I've hurt his feelings, he deserves it. I tried to get him to explain why- there are better ways of looking at "pretty girls" on the internet than via a real life dating/chat site so why make it personal if you just wanted to get off looking at a random skank online (incidently, while sitting in bed next to your sleeping wife after a nice family day out). He said he didn't really know, that he was stupid etc etc.

At this point, we were interupted my DD waking up, and as she has been a bit poorly it took a while to resettle her and it was very late. I really did have a mother of a headache, so I told him that I didn't believe that I just happened to see the one and only time he had done such a thing in four years, and that he wouldn't convince me otherwise. He repeated that this was the only thing, apologised for being stupid, breaking my trust, upsetting me and trying to lie his way out of it, and then went off to sleep on the sofa.

We didn't talk any more last night, were just civil. He didn't sleep on the sofa again, but he got a very cold shoulder when we did go to bed.

I suppose I don't really know how to move on from this. I really don't think he has cheated, but he has introduced an element of doubt that I'll have to choose to live with or not which I'm very angry at him for. I don't believe him that this is the only time, but he is insistent and very convincing so again, I'll have to chose how to live with that. I was kind of waiting for him to bring it up yesterday, but of course he didn't. He probably thinks that by looking sad and not mentioning it I'll get over it eventually without further arguement. I won't. But I'm not sure what else to say to him, or what I want him to say. I'm not sure what to do now

Oh dear, that was a long post, sorry!

You poor thing. You're left in limbo, and he's not really helping you. I'm not 100% sure of the way forward myself and I'm outside it. Trust issues are so hard to resolve and need both parties to be completely committed to it. You are clearly unsure whether you want to.

Talking is key. If either of you are not willing to communicate as honestly and fully and positively as you can then there's not much can be done I think.

It does look as though he's just left it to you. How does that make you feel? If he were more active in his attitude to this - I mean, more active about how he can change his behaviour to regain your trust, I suppose - you would probably feel more optimistic about your continuing relationship.

Does his behaviour lead you to believe that he might be willing to take some definite steps to help heal your hurt? Do you think he understands the extent of the betrayal you feel when he did that after a family day out, and after his previous betrayals? Could he be so horrified at what he has done that he has retreated from it?

Communication. Nothing will get sorted without that, but if you need to retreat for a little while so that you can sort out how you feel about it, and what you want to do,, that's fine obviously, and probably quite sensible at first. However, if you let it drag on for too long, exactly what you said about it all getting brushed under carpet will happen.

Tell him that you now have this element of doubt and ask him if he can think of what he could do to make it worth your choosing to live with it, perhaps. Throw the ball back into his court.

Good luck. I do hope you find a resolution quickly and without too much pain. I shall be thinking of you.

Firstly, confront him

Secondly get him to tell you exactly what is missing at home that makes him want to stray.

Once you have established the cause, you can establish your response.

I think he's going to play kicked puppy and be sad and quiet and hope it blows over.

Because I'm gussing that has happened before?

My former DH would let me rant when he upset me (nothing this bad either), ask if I felt better, (wtf??) make some faff of an apology, go meek for a day and then act as if nothing had happened.

And then, so would I. Vicious circle.

If you want hime to 'change' or 'get the message' you need to change how you deal with it. Demand full explanation, stay mad at him and inform him that he needs to show you he is serious about his family and his marriage and not 'pretty girls.'

stating that he was married but looking for 'no strings fun',

Hardly just spam looking at pretty girls, is it? He's a liar and a bullshi**er.

I do hope he can prove his worth but I suspect he'll keep going there. It's not his first time, won't be the last.

Question is, what are you going to do?

Flowers just arrived, nice ones, with a note saying 'I love you'. Sigh. At least he recognises that it is a big bloody problem, but I hope he doesn't think it exempts him from talking about it again.

Thanks Jux. You're right, it feels like the ball is in my court (waiting for me to just get over it) and it should be in his still. Any serious discussion about life plans/feelings on certain issues/anything serious really has always been initiated by me, so obviously I know he struggles to really open up about things sometimes and say how he feels. But I'm not willing to make excuses and feel sorry for him this time, I feel it is up to him to convince me he understands my feelings and what he will do to repair the trust I have lost in him, without my prompting. He is a highly intellegent adult and shouldn't expect to be let off the hook just because I love him.

I'm not considering breaking up over this. It was stupid but I don't believe he had any intention of actually cheating. But, that belief now has a smalll % margin of doubt and that is down to him to convince me to live with and repair. I don't want to go through life not trusting my husband and best friend.

I will see what he says tonight. I want things to go back to normal, but I want him to realise the level of hurt he has caused and I am not feeling particularly affectionate towards him at the moment!

Lucy I did ask him what lacking that he thought could be fulfilled in this way- he said nothing, I'm everything he wants. I think it would be a very brave idiot to answer that question completely truthfully in the middle of a row when your wife is already pretty hostile! I wish I knew though.

Hi OP, sorry to hear what you are going through.

I have been a member of casual dating sites (I'm single and was looking for possible single FWB).

A large percentage of men registered with this type of site are married and looking for affairs. In my experience the intention of registering on these sites is quite obvious, it is to seek casual sex / liaisons. If I messaged a man on such a site I would almost certainly receive a reply because (I've been told) there are far more men than (genuine) women.

I personally never had any photos posted, many members don't, so to say his intention was to ogle pictures is extremely unlikely.

Knowing what I do, I would say he is almost certainly lying to you about his intent, although men do usually have to pay so he is correct on that and perhaps he didn't take it further.

My issue would be you can't be sure of his intent so forget what he is saying and base your judgement entirely on his actions, ie what he has done, how he reacted, and what he does from this point on.

That's interesting Diagonally. I know I sound incredibly naive - but I can't imagine a woman in her right mind arranging to meet a man via a dodgy site like this, meet up, shake hands, have sex, then go about your life. Does this actually happen very often!?

From a man's point of view it doesn't seem logical: Want to look at pictures? - regular porn sites have it covered. Want random sex without having to do much legwork or leaving any evidence - fit in a hooker between meetings. Want an actual affair? - I imagine the unfavourable bored teenager/nutter/twisted perv to genuine person ratios on these sites make arranging an affair in this way an unlikely and high-risk strategy...

I wonder how many of these married men are actually sad and seedy muppets like my DH who hope for a bit of dirty chat, maybe a glimse of a bit of rude and an ego boost and don't know how else to go about it or have the guts to do so?

It would interesting to know if my perception of these sites is accurate. (I don't mean to be derogatory to you diagonally, I'm trying to understand as I've clearly had a sheltered life!)

He has done this all before including googling local strippers
You forgave him despite your pain and hurt.

He has now registered for no strings sex. You are going to forgive him despite him knowing how much her hurt you last time but caring more about himself and doing it regardless.

What is your bottom line? Please have one.

"I don't believe him that this is the only time, but he is insistent and very convincing so again, I'll have to chose how to live with that."
You plan to live with being lied to convincingly?

Sorry but I don't believe men register with those kind of sites unless they want to cheat.

There is nothing wrong with your marriage, but there is everything wrong with him

WhereYouLeftIT, I do have to live with it one way or the other. I meant I have to chose how to live with it i.e. whether that life involves a full break up, separation, changing our relationship from now on, brushing it under the carpet or any other course of action.

Xales My bottom line? That's what I'm trying to work out. You're very right, I do need one....

I'm not defending him. But the 'no strings sex' profile was on a second site which I don't have evidence is actually his. Don't get me wrong, it's not looking good for him, but even after playing my cards very to my chest and threatening that I'd seen details of it in his emails (I hadn't) and that I could go and get the laptop and prove it he still strenuously denied it despite having just admitted to the first one. This profile also gives no indication of when it was created or last visited. I can't bring myself to fully disbelieve or believe him on this, so I feel stuck.

I don't think you are defending him. I think you are fully aware of what a dodgy character he is. You are not stupid.

I do think however, that you are doing yourself and your DC no favours at all to attempt to get past this.

This is no way to live. I also think there will be lots of stuff you are not aware of.

Don't have another child with Him. You would come to regret that very much, I think

AF, I think you nearly always hit the nail on the head on threads like this. Bottom line, are you saying that it is worth ending an otherwise so far very happy marriage with an otherwise unusually supportive and loving man on the basis of the evidence here? I don't want to be taken for a ride, but I'm hoping there is a way to get to the truth and rebuild trust - or is that overly optimistic? Oh god, I just don't know anymore, I'm finding it hard to stay mad at him but I am fucking mad, if that makes sense.

Give me a little while to get on the laptop. I can't do long posts on my phone x

I know I sound incredibly naive - but I can't imagine a woman in her right mind arranging to meet a man via a dodgy site like this, meet up, shake hands, have sex, then go about your life. Does this actually happen very often!?

I am afraid it does. At the pub I used to work at there were hotel rooms where alot of contractors stayed. One in particular used to arrange hook ups in advance of wherever he was working in the country. His wife had no idea but if he was in X place for a week he would arrange atleast 2 hook ups for that week, home at the weekend for some action with his wife and then another couple of hook ups in Y town the following week. He was not the sort of person you would imagine doing this at all, and we only found out one night when he got paralytic and started talking about "date" for the following night as she had said that her husband wanted to watch! For some reason he found that to be worse than what he was doing, I felt it was distasteful but atleast the husband and wife were being honest with each other!

"After knowing how hurt I was before, how could he have such a disregard for my feelings?"

Because he knew you still went ahead and bloody married him?

You do realize this will keep happening? All he risks is 24 hours of uncomfortable silence and ranting. Then everything returns to normal and he learns to be more careful.