How the hell do I react to this!?

[NotThatStupid]

Namechanged because I'm embarrassed to be married to such an idiot....

We've been together seven years, married for nearly three of those, have a beautiful DD (toddler), are discussing when to have another baby and are very happy, never argue etc. I love him deeply.

Roll on last night, and now I don't know what to do or how to react. As I see it me options are:

1/ Wait until he gets home and then tell him straight up that I snooped on his emails via his phone, found that he had registered with a nasty dating/casual sex/chat site (this weekend, on a day we spent together as a family), quickly noted the password and have been looking at his account today. He had ticked every box stating what he was looking for, had browsed a couple of profiles but not sent any messages (but had recieved a couple). I'll also tell him that after the very basically googling his username, I found another profile which I'm 99.9% sure is him on another site, stating that he was married but looking for 'no strings fun', but quoting another city. He occasionally works away. Tell him I know and see what he says?

2/ Wait until he gets home, get hold of his phone and our shared laptop, tell him what I found and demand he gives me his email password, and the password for the second site I found while googling, have a look and take it from there.

I'll let on at this point that although I don't habitually snoop, but do very occasionally when the mood strikes. This is down to nosyness, but also the fact that I caught him signing up to a similar site about four years ago and googling local hookers... I snooped enough at the time to realise that nothing came of it, and after I confronted him he was remorseful enough and I believed his story, and kind of still do, about a high stress/drunken few days and we've not mentioned it since.

3/ Bide my time and keep a track on things, see if he actually does anything

4/ The temptation to be a bit proactive and set up a profile myself to 'catch him out' is rather, well, tempting. But I don't think I'm brave enough.

5/ Something else?

Anyway, I know I'm writing this out rather coldly. The truth is, I really don't want to catch him doing anything wrong, even if it is just inappropriate chat. I keep going back and looking at these pages but I still don't really believe what I'm seeing. It doesn't make sense, this is my gentle loving DH.

After knowing how hurt I was before, how could he have such a disregard for my feelings? I've got the most pounding headache and I can't stop trembling -I can't think about this logically - Please, tell me, how mad should I be and what should I do?

Ending it on this evidence, probably not. But what you have ample evidence of is that you're with a secretive liar who conveniently changes his story according to what he thinks you want to hear, even though you know it's a load of crap. Flowers, rationalisation and an apology... he currently thinks he's softened you up and just has to lay low for a while until the dust settles. Which maybe he has, I don't know.

You see I think confident liars need a fright before they even start to think they may need to change their ways. It's why I said have the holdall packed in advance. Right now, this is just a minor wrinkle for him, no biggie ... 'she'll come round'.

One thing I said to my H when I found out about his sexting affair, when he said that he didnt want us to split up was that as far as I was concerned we were over and it was now down to him to convince me to try again. That brought him up short because I think he thought that it was just a blip that I would "get over". Wrong.

Bloody hell bogeyface I guess everybody who thinks they are in an exclusive relationship takes this risk- how would you ever know!? You have to trust people, or how can you live your life? I had a memorable conversation with a couple of friends, one of whom was crazy jealous of any woman who came within six feet of her boyfriend, was paranoid and obsessively checked his phone and snooped on everything she could and questioned him on everything. My sensible friend told her to trust him and get on with her life, or not trust him, break up and then get on with her life. But her kind of behaviour only served to "drive the bastards underground" and make them good at covering their tracks. I remembered that phrase! (They broke up, there was never any evidence he did anything wrong though!)

I don't do dramatics, nor does DH. We've never had a proper row. He has given things up to put me first as he always does in day to day life. He looks after me and I him (when he lets me!). Some of the things I've read on here which people put up with have made me seek him out to tell him how much I appreciate him and thank my lucky stars I've found such a decent partner in life! And then there's this... I want to understand, including his point of view, and make sensible decisions. I don't want to cause myself more pain than necessary or be taken for a fool.

Thanks all for reading my waffle . I'm just so confused about it all. xx

Even if you delete mailboxes or emails you may be able to retrieve the deleted messages. They may simply be in a trash account or they may be recoverable in another way. It depends on the type of account.

Ask for all his passwords - Facebook etc etc. I would be surprised if he only had one email account. Has he erased his computer history? Does your Internet security program keep a record of sites visited? Can you check you bank statements for any odd payments?

I think it is really hard to know what I would do in your situation but I think I would have to leave him. I can't see how I could ever forget or trust him again.

There are more techie people out there who could give better advise.

"I also think there will be lots of stuff you are not aware of." I have to agree with AnyFucker not that I think I've ever disagreed with her anyway. He is a convincing liar, who will only admit to the truth when it is clear that you have proof (and even then still clings to the lie). I would wonder if, when you last caught him out, his real reaction was not to mend his ways (making this a falling off of the wagon) but was to become much better at covering his tracks (making this due to his becoming complacent because he's had you fooled for so long).

Bottom line, are you saying that it is worth ending an otherwise so far very happy marriage with an otherwise unusually supportive and loving man on the basis of the evidence here?

An "unusually supportive man" ? This is the second time (that you know of) he has given you grave doubt in believing he is sexually faithful to you.

That is not a supportive man. That is a person who keeps you on tenterhooks, forced to read his private correspondence to find out the truth, to trawl the internet and find evidence of his dodginess. He promises you stuff he has no intention of doing.

I don't doubt he loves you. I don't doubt he provides for his family. I don't doubt he is a good father to his children.

But he is a serial deceiver, a liar and untrustworthy. Nobody googles local prostitutes because they are a bit drunk and stressed. Nobody registers on a NSA sex site to look at a few pictures when there is tits-and-fanny a-plenty for free at the click of a mouse.

What will hapen the next time he is a "bit drunk and stressed" ? How can you trsut the words of a proven liar. Answer:you cannot.

Some women can live like this. Perhaps consider an open relationship, making sure you get your jollies too. Or turn a blind eye to keep your family together, whilst sobbing into your bottle of wine every time he is somewhere you are not sure of and you are stuck at home with a new born baby. Feel obliged to have sex with him, when you don't want to in case it makes him "stressed" and he goes lookign elsewhere (again)

Do all this, if you like. But expect him to be monogamous ? Forget it.

Between the eyes, thanks AF. The thing that upsets me is you're fucking right.

I'll go now, because I have to sort DD out and he'll be home in a few minutes. Thank you for taking the time to help me see this for what it is- a fucking train wreck.

I'll find my bottom line tonight I think, I can't let this be end of the matter and all is forgiven

xx

It is almost impossible to get your head round the fact that perfect DH is just another lying cheat and I do sympathise with the trying to minimize and saying its not worth breaking up over. Trouble is he will never change , he will just cheat again and again. Don't think its the 1st time - you know its not- and it is like an iceburg what you have discovered is a fraction of what has happened and a bunch of flowers really doesn't cover the hurt of betrayal does it? It is a comfort to lean on him at the moment and believe your world will be safe. Take your time and do what you need but please don't minimize what he has done.xx

Hope your ok

Love, throw those fucking flowers straight in the dustbin. An utter insult to your intelligence, they are.

OP I didn't use the sites to find hookups as such, more casual dating (ie proper dates but with no plans for anything serious), but plenty do use them for that purpose. I wouldn't use them again because searching for the few genuinely single people among the attached / dodgy was hard work and sometimes pretty depressing.

As Bogey described, the scenario of men working away and looking for hookups near their workplace is relatively common.

I'm afraid I agree that what you have found is likely just the tip of the iceberg. Many people wouldn't use the sites for messaging back + forth for too long but would move on to text, MSN or e-mail.

Unrelated to use of the sites but one of the hardest things to do when faced with lies of this sort is to reconcile the person you think someone is with their actions, when the actions seem at odds with what you believe.

But people are the sum of all their parts and when he shows you who he is through what he does, you've got to believe what you see.

When someone behaves in a loving and kind manner all day and then registers for no-strings sex at night they are a liar and a cheat who is good at compartmentalizing, that's all.

I would say that it could be the last time he does this, if he realises the consequences are real and serious.

That means him leaving while you make up your mind what you want to do, going to counselling (if YOU want to) and him truly regretting his actions and learning his lesson. Then, it could be the last time he cheats (and yes, he has cheated even if only in intention rather than deed).

The question isn't can your marriage survive him cheating, it's could your marriage survive you never truly trusting him again? Can you be married to the complete stranger he turned out to be? Some marriages do genuinely come out of things like this stronger and happier, but often there was an underlying reason for the cheating that the cheater didnt want to address. Bereavement, childhood abuse, bankruptcy (for eg) and they use the cheating as "time out of life". Once they address those underlying issues then they know, and their partner knows, that they will never cheat again. But that takes time and a lot of painful hard work on the part of the cheater, they have to be truly committed to resolved their issues. Most cant be arsed with what it entails so they are rare.

Selfish bastards who think they wont get caught and that you will "get over it" are ten a penny.

You need to be sure that you can live with the selfish bastard before you commit to trying again, because chances are, that's what you've got. Sorry :(

There is software available which will record every keystroke on a laptop. If you were of a mind to install it, you'd have all passwords in no time.

I suggest you make life extremely uncomfortable for him, kick him out or take your daughter and go away for a couple of weeks. Hit him where it hurts (like he has you) with a taster of the traumatic consequences should the urge to destroy your marriage strike him again. You teach others how to treat you - the lesson he's had up till now is that you'll forgive and forget, he's clearly ready for a new one.

I agree with everyone! He needs to be made uncomfortable and unhappy about what he's done. The short sharp shock, as it were. Perhaps sitting miserably in a bedsit for a while will help him appreciate what he has now and help deter him from repeating his betrayals.

Make him see it's simply not worth it. I'm not sure you can demonstrate to him the depth of your hurt any other way.