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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trivial? YES!!! But what can I do about his God awful hair?

78 replies

nightfeedssuck · 12/03/2013 14:48

Just to preface this - I KNOW this is trivial. I know it is not a 'real' problem in the grand scheme of life. I KNOW it will sound very silly to you - please know that I do know this.

BUT..... here it is - I HATE my partner's hair. I have known him as a friend for 8 years as we have both gone off and done our own thing, traveled, lived our lives etc. and finally we got together Last year. When he reappeared he had swapped his lovely smart short cut for LONG girl hair - down to his nipples. Yuk. We had amazing chemistry - we still do! But he knew that I gravely disliked long hair on men (I really really do!). He cut off all his hair as a gesture to show how much he wanted to be with me (very romantic) and since then things have been wonderful. I love him. I am happy with him.

A year on - and he has stopped cutting his hair. I wouldn't have such a problem with it but
a/ it doesn't suit him at all
b/ it just looks a mess (he looks like Edward Scissor hands currently)

He is, to me, an incredibly attractive man and I miss him looking nice and smart - it is making me angrier everyday! He just looks silly.

I know you'll scream at me "if you love someone it shouldn't matter" but I greatly disagree - and there is a massive double standard. For example - he very honestly said years ago when I had brown hair he didn't like it. Therefore I wouldn't now dye my hair brown. Because I want to be attractive to him. I also wouldn't put on 5 stone because I wouldn't want him to physically go off me! I wouldn't shave my head if he disliked bald women - which i am guessing he does.

If he looked good I wouldn't give a rats - but he does not look good.

I know you can't change a man - and I don't want to change a hair on his head - except the hair on his head! Does anyone have any empathy for me? I suspect no.

(braces self for barrage of 'you materialistic cow bag!' - be kind please).

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2013 15:00

I don't think it matters that it's relatively trivial and I don't think wanting a partner to look smart makes you materialistic. It's like any other annoying feature or habit in someone. What starts out as an 'endearing quirk' ends up being a full-on irritant that ruins the whole thing. If you've asked him to smarten up once and he's slipped back into scruffy old habits then he's not taking the request seriously and therefore not taking you seriously.

I've dumped people for less I can assure you.

Hopingtobehappy · 12/03/2013 15:01

I have COMPLETE empathy for you :-)

But I cant help, sorry ! I have simply no suggestions !

kalidanger · 12/03/2013 15:03

Oh god. My ex used to get an incredibly short haircut and just didn't look as good. Same guy, same face, same everything but head like velcro Sad

I felt as weird as you do, I think. Wtaf was my freaky, shallow problem?! It doesn't matter! Luckily it grew to acceptable levels in three weeks then I'd beg him to leave it do there was enough to run my fingers through.

Have you compared the no-brunnette rule to his flowing locks?

oldwomaninashoe · 12/03/2013 15:04

I don't think it is trvial, how old is he?

Bonsoir · 12/03/2013 15:06

Find him a good barber if you hate his hairstyle. This may take time, trial and error.

ChipTheFish · 12/03/2013 15:11

I know what you mean. I HATE it when my Dp shaves his beard. He looks like a completely different person. Not unattractive, just different :(

Could you french plait it? Just to, you know...neaten it up a bit? Grin

SummerRainIsADistantMemory · 12/03/2013 15:12

It's not silly Smile

To have sex you need to find the other person attractive and he's choosing to look in a way that he knows you don't like.

But then I don't hold with the mn majority view in this. I wouldn't like dp to gain weight and I would fully expect him to be disgusted if I gained several stone. I think as sexual partners we do have a certain right to express an opinion on each others appearances, as long as those opinions aren't expressed as commands. If one of us chose to alter our appearance in a way the other had expressed dislike for it would be in the knowledge that we were purposefully making ourselves less attractive to the other and they might find us less sexually desirable.

Very few men can pull off long hair and when it doesn't work it really is revolting.

NinaHeart · 12/03/2013 15:13

Cut it off while he is asleep and deny all knowledge of the deed.
Probably won't work but at least he'll have short hair.

kalidanger · 12/03/2013 15:20

Hope you're a bit reassured now OP Grin

fluffyraggies · 12/03/2013 15:25

Sympathies OP.
My DH keeps on about having a close skin head. sigh. Like he had when he was 19 FFS. He's 35 now.

Every time he mentions it it's done in a 'shall i?' way, and every time i say 'well i'd hate it but it's your head'. Then he winges.

His mum said even at 19 it looked harsh on him, and that he looked like he'd just got out of the nick. At 35 age he'll just look like trouble!! Hmm

As with women, IMO, you have to have a 'nice head' (ie clear skin, no patchy hair and no scars) and the right face to pull off very very short hair.

Very long hair on men has it's own problems. Wouldn't like that either!

Original poster
nightfeedssuck · 12/03/2013 15:51

oh my gosh - I really was prepared to get ripped to shreds! Thank you - you right minded people!

The only consolation is that I am safe in the knowledge he is not off being pursued by other women - cause he just looks so bad!

It isn't down to his shoulders yet but it is on its way. It is too long to style and he sticks it up and he looks like the bloke from The Cure. I made it very very clear to him when i re-met him that although the physical side of things were fantastic (we had a sort of fling) that he was completely inappropriate bf material due to his terrible hair and bad clothes! He cut it off in this grand gesture and wore shirts - yum! All was good.

Now I am living with him and he talks about marriage - but it's like he's said F U - I am now going to do what I like! Which is ok for him to do - but part of our original agreement was that I HATE MEN WITH LONG HAIR. same as I find beards abhorrent. He has changed the terms of our agreement.

I feel like I keep myself slim - I remove body hair, wear nice make up, keep my hair nice - always make an effort when it comes to clothes. And he's just like "this is me - deal with it lady!" I think it's a power thing.

I have tried to let it go for ages but now when I look at him every morning I am getting angrier and angrier that he is taking this gorgeous sexy man and making him look like a TRAMP!! If I saw him in a pub now and we didnt know each other there is NO WAY i would even let him buy me a drink.

OP posts:
Original poster
nightfeedssuck · 12/03/2013 15:52

PS. He is 33 and we have had many many arguments abt this. he doesnt take into account the whole brown hair argument.

OP posts:
Original poster
nightfeedssuck · 12/03/2013 15:53

it angers me that he is not concerned about looking attractive to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
nightfeedssuck · 12/03/2013 15:54

OH and everyone thinks he looks bad!! his parents / my parents! people with eyes ....

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 12/03/2013 15:54

Er humm, this is why I cut dp's hair Blush

I got sick of the terrible hair cuts he comes home with plus on the other scale totally avoiding the hairdresser as he is too busy

His hair looks great inbetween short and longish so I can just trim it
But then again he doesn't mind and thinks I go a good job so unless you can do it yourself not much help !

Incidently I brought it up because really for work he should look smart and used that as an excuse first

cerealqueen · 12/03/2013 15:55

Dye your hair brown and ask does he still not like it?

prettywhiteguitar · 12/03/2013 15:56

What's his reason when you argue ? Does he think he looks good ? Can you take photos to show him how it looks ?

kalidanger · 12/03/2013 16:02

PS. He is 33 and we have had many many arguments abt this. he doesnt take into account the whole brown hair argument.

Oh dear. Does he say why he wants it long? Does he think it's his tip-top sexy look? He likes it on him and thinks it suits him? What are his arguments for it? And you say you don't like it (quite reasonably, as we've established) and he says, what? "I don't care what you think"?

As an aside, my ex didn't really think he looked hot with a skin head It was just his default barber cut. It'd grow, I'd like it, he'd cut it, I wouldn't like it, it'd grow etc and on repeat. He cared what i thought but as it was the difference of a centimetre or two it never really mattered.

meditrina · 12/03/2013 16:03

It probably bothers you so much because it seems like he's not making the effort to please you that he once did. And that's probably why you mentioned your change of hair colour, because your change to please him is enduring.

But they're not quite the same, as you'd have to actually do something to change hair colour, whereas hair just grows and it's all to easy to put off going and getting it cut.

You could, I suppose, go brown to annoy him back and explain why - but then you might be faced with redying and wrecking the condition of your way. Also, this might be the way to an unpleasant tit-for-tat stand off that pleases neither of you.

Is there any way that you can turn this into a running joke? It could be the kind of (essentially harmless) irritant exchange that actually proves bonding in the longer term.

It may be either that or headlice. I can lend you a DD who is nit central.

kalidanger · 12/03/2013 16:04

Ah crap, now Ive talked myself into the argument that if my DP liked me with a pixie cut I'd guffaw, say "Fuck off!" and keep it long Sad

catballou · 12/03/2013 16:06

I completely sympathise, it must be so frustrating when you know how good he'd look with short hair. He must be made to see the light!

CheeseStrawWars · 12/03/2013 16:09

Okay, I'll be 'that person'. He's still the same guy. Sure random strangers may judge him on his tramp-chic locks, but you know him intimately, presumably better than anyone? Isn't the sum of the parts more than the hair? I'd be incredibly hurt if DH told me he found me unattractive with a different haircut. To be honest, I probably would change my hair, but I would resent him for making me feel crap about myself.

It's coming across more as a bit of power thing on your part - he cut his hair in a 'grand gesture', in the wooing days, now you're together you feel that as he's relaxed into the relationship he's relaxed his 'hair standards' and that's a reflection of him taking you for granted, or not caring... as opposed to him just being comfortable and secure enough with you to be himself.

Do you feel otherwise secure in your relationship with him? Are there other issues here? Are 'grand gestures' the main way you experience feeling loved?

cerealqueen · 12/03/2013 16:11

Have you photos of him with short hair? Could you frame a few and say how much you loved that look on him?
Offer to cut his hair for him? Naked?

Original poster
nightfeedssuck · 12/03/2013 16:14

I think he thinks he looks really cool! I think he thinks he's gorgeous - in fact, yes, I am sure he thinks he is gorgeous. He likes it like that and apparently that is all that matters - my opinion means nowt!
I would dye my hair brown but the difference is I don't want to look unattractive. And I do with brown hair, I want to look hot!

OP posts:
MooMooSkit · 12/03/2013 16:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.